Getting over a 4 year affair

[bluebirds]

When you read this please dont judge me on what I have done, I am aware than anybody of how wrongly I beheaved so the last thing I need is a lecture on morals.

 

I have been with my wife 7 years, married for 3 years and mainly happy in the begging. 4 years ago I started having an affair with a married woman at work, at first it was just fun and great sex and I could cope with two lives, one fun no commitment and one serious with my wife to be.

 

Even when I got married 3 years ago my lover was the one in work who organised the the wedding present from the staff and bought the card etc, the affair ending for about 2 months after I married and we got on great at work.

Then we got back together and things started to move from fun to serious stage and month by month we got closer and closer, it was october 2003 when she first told me that she was in love with me, at the time I wasnt in love with her but I did feel strongly for her.

 

The affair drifted on until about march 2004 when things started getting very very serious and she told me that she wanted to leave her husband and start a life with me.

 

Now until this stage I thought I was in control of everything but I knew that soon things were going to change in a drastic way.

Anyway she left him in June and I told her I wasnt sure that I wanted to commit to anything with her, she was devasted and went home to New Zealand for a month to spend time with her folks.

 

During that month I felt total dispair and missed her so much, when she came back in September she had decided that she had to move on from me and that it was better we ending everything properly.

 

At that time i moved jobs so we were no longer working together, Can I just add that everybody we worked with hated the fact we were having an affair and that put huge pressure on us.

 

In October 2004 we met a few times and eventually slept together and got back together, but she told me that I had to leave my wife by Jan 2005 or that was that.

 

For the first time I thought about leaving my wife and setting up home with my lover, but I still wasnt sure and although it may sound crazy the main reason was that I didnt think I could trust her as I had see all the lies she told her husband.

 

Jan 2005 came and went and I didnt leave my wife, my lover broke up the relationship again, but then asked me to sort things out by April, That didnt happen.

 

5 weeks ago she told me she was going back to New Zealand for 3 months to have some time to herself, at first I thought it was a good idea and would do her good.

 

Its 4 weeks in and we are in a very bad peroid, huge arguments on the phone, and the cummunication is rubbish.

 

Just before we left we spent 4 full days together and it was fantastic, but during that time she said to me that she might sleep with someone when she is back home, that felt like a knife through my heart and it still rings in my head now.

 

We are at present broken up and I think this time its for good, she isnt interest anymore and says we have to many issue to ever be together.

 

Last friday I got my head around things and told her if its over then never to call me, text me,email me..contact me again. She agreed, then this morning she sends me a text saying, I hope u r ok.. why why why did she do that, since then I have called her and she isnt interested in getting back together, why is she playing stupd games with my head.

[djedix]

Can i ask you a question. Not to be all rude.... but do you think your behavior.... and the way you treat your wife is justified?

[RayKay]

I'll try to refrain from any comments about your infidelity but I have to say about your mistress - I don't blame her. She made a choice to end her marriage for you, and asked you to do the same, you kept promising you would and kept failing to do so.

 

I think you treated both your wife and your mistress very poorly and would not blame either of them for leaving....only since I guess your wife is not aware of what is going on she had not had the chance.

 

It sounds like she got fed up, and realizes she deserves better than this, you held her at a double standard then yourself, expected her to be with you, but could not commit to her more because she WAS with you cheating on her partner while you did the same thing with her....

 

I don't think she is playing games, she likely does care for you but has decided to stand up for herself and move on. She just wanted to see if things were ok with you, as it does not mean she stopped caring for you all of a sudden.

 

Let her go, and start working on yourself....and your marriage, I feel absolutely horrible for your wife in all of this as well...your girlfriend, well at least she was a willing party in all this and so the end was not a total surprise...but your wife, well you have not really been part of this marriage really for the most of it....

[bluebirds]

Firstly of course my behaviour isnt justified, I am aware that it is totally imoral and at the start of the affair and for the first year or so I had huge guilt, but you dont understand it was my lover who was the driving force in all this not me...thats the truth.

 

I agree she did it coz she still cares for me, she sent a later text telling me she loves me, I told her the only way for me to get over this and get on wife trying to sort out my life with my wife was for her to stop contacting me.

 

You see when I told her last week that if we didnt have a future then I was going to give it a go with my wife she hated that, but still didnt want me!!

 

I understand your comments, however the purpose of telling you all this was for some help in moving on, not a lecture.

[tiger_lilies]

I'm doubtful that you will find many people on this forum who will support you or feel pity for you and what you've done.

 

You've essentially dug your own grave and deserve the confusion and pain you are now feeling.

 

But since you are asking for advice or opinons on how to move on, the only suggestion I have is to cut any contact with your lover and concentrate on your wife! Although I'm sure you don't deserve her anyway!

 

 

 

Firstly of course my behaviour isnt justified, I am aware that it is totally imoral and at the start of the affair and for the first year or so I had huge guilt, but you dont understand it was my lover who was the driving force in all this not me...thats the truth.

 

What????!!! Are you trying to place the blame of this affair on your lover??? It takes TWO to make an affair work, not one.

 

You are now suffering from the pain of a breakup. The only way to get over this is to stop all contact with your lover. There is no easy way out of this...or any breakup for that matter.

[Lonleyone]

First take a good look at your wife! Are you still in love with her? If so try and take the energy from the New Zeland chic and put it into your wife. You think she does not have a weird felling about the afair? Trust me she may not know all that has happen but she has a notion. Just try and not open any text from her take any phone calls or e-mail avoid it all around. It is going to be hard but you can put all your love into your wife. Today is a new day. Clean slate. Keep your head up and remember you need to do the right thing.

 

Lonelyone

N.C

[bluebirds]

I do love my wife but I am in lover with my lover if that makes sense. God I was i wasnt, I wish none of this had ever happened.

 

Re your comment on my wife having any idea of this, yes I think she knows a fair bit of it, she is very bright and dosent miss a trick, however I know she would never mention it as she dosent want our marriage to end and would be scared to mention any of it.

 

You see there is the sex also, with my wife its boring and I find it hard to get turned on, but with my lover even after 4 years its so fantastic.

 

She has been taking advice from her family etc and I havent told anyone who could give advice, thats why I feel so desperate.

 

I just need to be very strong, but the problem is that I know if we were together things would be fantastic.

 

God I am confused.

[DN]

for the first year or so I had huge guilt, but you dont understand it was my lover who was the driving force in all this not me...thats the truth.

 

The way to move on is to accept the blame in a real sense for what you did. The statement above is self-serving. Putting it bluntly - you are a big boy and should make decisions as an adult, taking responsibilty for your choices - and make no mistake, this was a choice you made.

 

If you pretend to yourself, never mind anyone else, that you had no will of your own but were tempted into this by your mistress you are using the same defence that Adam used for tasting the apple "Wasn't my fault - Eve tempted me!". Not good enough by half.

 

Summon up the willpower you should have used in the first place to concentrate on your marriage and get over the mistress. You didn't treat her well, but, oh, well!, she played with fire and got burnt. Too bad, she knew what she was doing as well.

 

The only punishment you are suffering is guilt and missing her. Suck it up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and face up to your responsibilities. Then maybe, after some soul searching, you can move on.

[Iceman26]

If you have ever loved your wife at any point in the 7 years you have known her, you would be honest and upfront about what you have done, and divorce her.

 

I also notice that the biggest thing for you here is the sex. Why not divorce your wife and sleep with whom you please, as it seems like sex is the driving factor for you here.

 

I think you should get a divorce, get together with this New Zealander, and not get married again, since you cant trust the New Zealander and she couldnt trust you either, after what the both of you have done to your spouses.

[bluebirds]

I have taken on some blame for it, but you have to believe me she was the driving force, her marriage was doomed before she met me and she has now wrecked my marriage, with a lot of help from myself.

 

How would you feel if you had just made love to someone and they said, I MIGHT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHEN I GO TO NEW ZEALAND.

 

I then got up and tried to leave, she started to cry and told me she loved me so I stayed.

 

Just for the record, sex isnt the main thing at all, I love her but dont want to love her!!

 

I need to tell you all a little trick I played about 6 weeks ago, when we were still together.

 

I made up a person on a yahoo email address and sent it to my lover saying that we had met a a work function ( one I knew my lover had gone to and got very drunk at in Feb this year) and that we had spoken and I really wanted to meet up for a drink with her.

 

Now this person was totally made up...it took me an hour to get a date with her the next day.....an hour!!!!!

 

I called her and asked her what she was up to Saturday, she said shopping, so then I told her, and told her where to go.

 

2 days later she calls me crying and saying she was sorry and she loved me...Yes you guessed it, I forgave her AGAIN.

 

so understand when I feel that now she has got her friends and family around her in NZ , that I feel a little hurt that she chooses its over for good..great timing, she could have decided 6 weeks ago when I gave her the chance.

[Wimpy]

Man alive stop trying to justify yourself. The ONLY person I have any sympathy for in all of this is your poor wife. You can't treat people like that and hope to get away with it.

 

And to come on here and start wingeing about how sorry you feel for YOURSELF.

 

Take some responsibility and ownership of YOUR problem.

[lady00]

If you want to be with your ex lover so much why did you let her break up with her husband for you and then not leave your wife? What prevented you from leaving your wife? I think honestly, as far as you ex goes, you had your chance to be with her and you chose to stay with your wife. I find it impossible to have any sympathy for you in this situation but if you want your ex to stop contacting you how about changing your phone number? Instead of getting upset every time she calls or text messages you, just make it impossible for her to do so.

[bluebirds]

I have taken responsibility and I know what I have done to my wife, but with all due respect she isnt the issue at the moment.

 

Have none of you ever loved 2 people at the same time and not known where to turn, who to choose.

 

I would have choosen my lover last you, but for the fact I saw the lies she told her husband and then even when they split still met up with him to discuss small talk, utter nonsense and her way of getting over her guilt I guess.

 

I bet if any of you guys had been in a similar situation you would be exactly like me, you cant help love it just happens.

[Iceman26]

I for one wouldnt be in a similar situation, period.

 

Quit fooling yourself; you dont love either of these women.

[DN]

Now you are turning on the people who are advising you. This is precisely about your wife. The only thing she has done wrong is to love you!

 

This will be my last post - you don't want help , you want validation.

[lady00]

Bluebirds,

I am a little confused.

What do you want right now? If I understand correctly, you want to stop contact with the ex and work on your marriage right? Regardless of loving both women, as you say, you have chosen your wife, correct? So, what you need to do is stop worrying about the ex...who cares if she's playing games or not...it takes two to play...you need to find out how to control the way that you react...and essentially, you need to stop reacting to her emotionally...I reiterate, change your number otherwise the confusing text messages and phone calls will continue.

 

Or...maybe I am getting this all wrong...do you want to get back together with your ex lover? Some of your posts make it seem that way and then others make it seem like you want to be with your wife...which is it? I understand you say you love them both but you also say you don't trust your ex, right? In some cases, love is not all that matters and in addition you know that your ex doesn't want to be with you so this should be enough information for you to take steps to make it impossible for her to contact you and for you to dedicate yourself to your marriage.

 

From what I understand, you and your ex are not going to get back together and you say that you can't trust her (which I will NEVER understand since she lied to her husband to be with you and that is why you don't trust her---sounds totally ridiculous). But whatever you had with your ex...it's over now and there are too many issues between you for it to work again (you can't be with someone you can't trust). So, stop worrying about her and move on with your life and your marriage. If your ex contacts you, ignore her.

[CarrieB123]

Sorry if I offended anyone, I shouldn't swear, I just have a hard time feeling sorry for someone who cheats.

 

And I also am wondering exactly you are asking, we know you dont want to get lectured, but what do you want?

[bluebirds]

Lady..

 

The truth I dont know what I want...umm Everybody to be happy but thats never going to happen, the damage has been done.

 

I just want to wake up in the morning and be over this sorid affair, but I do have a lot of resentment towards my lover, she has said so much and I gave her the chance to walk away 6 weeks ago and she told me she loved me and wanted me, and now she is secure with her family and friends in New Zealand she decides that is that...

[Mun]

Your lover lied to the man she made vows to love and be faithful to--what did you expect honey?

 

bluebirds, I suggest you start working on your marriage--which you have obviously neglected to engage in this affair--before you find yourself without a wife and home.

[Hope75]

I have taken on some blame for it, but you have to believe me she was the driving force, her marriage was doomed before she met me and she has now wrecked my marriage, with a lot of help from myself.

 

 

OK you both have equal responsiblility in the destruction of your marriage. No matter how tempting your ex is the fact is you made a consious choice to cheat on your wife to be with her, no one forced you to do anything.

 

 

How would you feel if you had just made love to someone and they said, I MIGHT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHEN I GO TO NEW ZEALAND.

 

Probably the same way your wife feels when you "make love" with her and then went to your lover.

 

Do you see why it's hard to feel anything but disgust for what you've done?

 

You don't even seem remotely remorseful for betraying your wife all these years.

 

This is a perfect example of what goes around comes around.

 

and before you accuse me, YES, I have been in love, and YES I have been a victim of cheating and NO, although at one time I was falling in love with someone else while still in a relationship, I ENDED the relationship before acting on my feelings for the other person.

 

I at least had the decency to respect the feelings of my then bf and the sense to recognize that it was unfair to continue with him when I fell for someone else.

 

There is a distinct difference between being in love with two people and thinking and acting like you can be in a relationship with both people. These are people's feelings, not a game.

 

I feel no sympathy for you. you made your bed.............

[Iceman26]

If you want to talk about someone who is unqualified to talk about being in love, take a look in the mirror buddy.

[tiger_lilies]

It sounds like you don't care about your wife at all, you only care about the pain you feel from her rejection of you. That is incrediably SELFISH!

 

Open you eyes and see what is in front of you. Your wife! Do you not care about the pain she is feeling from your affair???

 

I think that after four years of having a wife plus a girlfriend has spoiled you into thinking that you could live life like this permanently. You are hugely mistaken.

[marijo2480]

It's simple...here's what you need to do, step by step:

 

1) Do your wife a favor, come clean,

2) tell her about your mistress,

3) tell her how boring you think she's in bed,

4) tell her that you're in love with her though, and your mistress,

5) tell her that your mistress doesn't want you anymore,

6) but also tell her that you feel guilty of the fact that you have lied to her all this time and have not kept to the vows you read to her the day you got married so...

7) because you do love her and want what's best for her (and it's not you), you're filing for a divorce.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S. Oh, and...if you don't file for a divorce, so long as you complete 1-6, I'm sure she will!!

[Hope75]

marijo,

 

well said!

[itry]

aahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! iwant to scream when i read this. a part of me is crying for ur wife..the other part is for ur lover and the other part is for YOU.

 

 

#1 dont think ur wife doesnt know...she does. and ur right..she wont tell u or ADMIT that she does know because the reality of facing the hurt would be too much....but she does know...

 

#2 ur lover..yes she loves u...in a very unhealthy way. she left her husband for u. and quite frankly..who cares if it took an hour to get a date with her through email. if it were me and i were in her situation, it would have taken less. when u love someone and cant have them..u do what it takes to 4get.

 

#3 u need to make up ur mind...go to therapy. ur going to destroy THREE lives (possibly more if u have children...) if u dont put ur foot down. as far as the boring sex...... go to sex therapy.

 

 

from reading.. i can tell that ur with ur wife for a couple of reasons... u trust her...its stable...and more than likely...she is a good hearted person. this lover of urs...the fire..the passion..the heat... its all a distraction. no u dont love her. u love the excitement and the feeling that ur wife could never provide......

 

dont be surprised if ur wife is also cheating on u...or would leave u out the clear blue. ur paying too much attention to ur lover to notice ur wife......

 

step back from the situation...look at both women....and really really picture...who will be by ur side when u are old..when u have trouble taking a piss...when ur lonely and want a fulfilling conversation. who will honestly be there...? look back long and hard.... who has been there for u...?

 

also.... ive known home-wreckers...ur lover..will never make any man truly happy... she will get bored easily and leave YOU when the excitement dies down. trust me...i can read this whole damn soap opera like a book....

 

listen to me...wherever in the world u are behind this computer screen...

u DONT love your lover...u LOVE the excitement she brings.... try to sort out whats real. all this good sex..good head and fun is just on the surface...

 

u and ur lover both have deep issues...and i have no choice but to take ur word when u say she is the driving force...if she really is the driving force..then she has no respect. she is classless in morals and ethics (*ahem* u dont fall too far behind but im sure u already knew that ) u get no lectures from me.... just listen to me when i say step back from the whole situation...take a deep breath and think.

 

go for a drive..stare at something calming...turn off ur phone...everything and zone out.....

 

 

and again...u dont love her...

 

 

good luck...and ill pray for all three of u...