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My negative thoughts are ruining my relationship .. Help please !!


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I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now on april 19th.

We love each other, but my problem is that I am always thinking negative. We go in the same school, different class. But for an example, a week ago we were together at his house, and he said that his friend asked us to go out with him and his girlfriend, but I was tired so I said to him "I can't tonight, you can go out if you want to". And he said "is it okay with you?" And I said yes. Then a little later I got mad and said "i just dont understand why you said earlier today that us two had a deal tonight, just staying home after a long day. He said "I can also say to him that I won't come. I want to be with you" then I said no and that I was just going at my friends house so. So I drove him to the cafe where his friends was waiting, and he kissed me and said he loves me, I said I still was irritated and that Night I was cold over SMS. And then 4 days later at school (we go in same school, but different class) he got free from school and said he was on his way home, and then I became cold over SMS and asked why he didn't say goodbye to me and was not having me in his thoughts. He got mad that I always making conflicts out of nowhere and says it is not worth discussing about.. I understand him, I just dont know why I have this tendency to be like this and be so cold to him. He said he feels like I was judging him. This was an example, it has been like this in 4 months now, always over small things and always me overthinking. We also had our first quarrel one time, where he was so mad he said he didn't want to be with me until I hugged him and cried, because I was so sorry. But yeah.. after that they where he got home and where I was mad over him not texting me to see me and say goodbye in school, I got over at his house after so we could talk. We have searched appartment 2 weeks ago, we were thinking to move together after summer in another City, but yeah then he said he got Tired of me always bahaving like this and that he dosen't want to live together if I continue being this way. He asked me what I thought we should do. But I dont want to breakup, I love him and I know he loves me. I cried so muh, I dont know what to do. I asked him why he is with me, if he can't take this anymore. He said because he loves me, but he wants a relationship where it works and there is peace always. He thinks I need to move out, because I always cry when my parents discussing, and therefore he thinks that maybe it is causing me to be like this with him..


Now I am scared that he will break up, if I behave like this again.. We have never had sex, we tried, but I am scared it will hurt. And still I want him to be my first, but now I am just thinking of if I also should do it with him after our diskussions, and my thoughts of that he will leave me one day.. Someone help me please! I am so bad at communicating with a partner. I had a boyfriend before, he cheated on me in all the time we were together (6 months), maybe it is therefore I overthink everything? How can I talk with my boyfriend about this.. That I am insecure if he will leave me, and how can I make him happier and our relationship even better?

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Well, yeah, I think your boyfriend is having trouble dealing with the drama you create. You might be suffering from depression or are bipolar. You might need to see a therapist about your negative thoughts. Also you should see a gynecologist to see if your problems with sex are either physical or psychological. Sex is important for intimacy and it will very much affect your future relationships if you can't experience this. So you should have that checked too.

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It's better to be honest, straight forward and confident. Using passive-aggressive tactics to make people guess why you're pissed is poor communication, confuses people and reveals underlying hostility and lack of self esteem. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not seethe then explode with guessing games, etc. Learn communication skills and confidence skills. Perhaps ask your parents to help you with therapy and/or find/attend classes that improve communication.

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Oh dear, lovely lady - you really are high-maintenance, aren't you?


If you want to make your relationship better, you need to start by loving yourself. At the moment you're looking to your boyfriend as the source of all the good things in your life and though our partners should be adding something positive, ideally, you need to be able to make YOURSELF feel good, including when he's not around. If you're feeling unhappy, learn to soothe yourself - though he can help, that's all he can do. Self esteem is something which needs to come from within; another person can't make us feel better about ourselves in the long term. Any more than they can eat or sleep for us.


If it's possible, think about therapy. Otherwise there are LOADS of online resources about building up self esteem, and they're there to be used. I know this sounds strange, but I don't think you should be considering moving in together until you're confident that you can be happy on your own. The reason for this is that if you aren't, you'll be looking for him to provide something which you can only do for yourself - you'll be unhappy because he isn't providing it, and he'll be frustrated because he's already doing his best and it isn't working. Not only is it not working, but you're asking the impossible of him.


So take a step back, look at what you need to do to put your own life in order... replace negative thoughts with affirmations like "I am lovable and wonderful!"and let yourself know you are taking the first steps towards a fabulous adventure. Or to put it another way, feelings of love come from a full heart, not an empty one.


So now you need to fill your heart with good things, concentrate on taking care of your own wellbeing - and let the relationship take care of itself.

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You need to catch yourself before you think in terms of `shoulds'


He 'should' have acted a certain way or he 'should' have called you when he didn't.


He isn't you therefore he is operating in his own way. Not a bad way, just his own. He's also not a mind reader.

Whenever you feel insecure and thinking he has done something wrong, instead of being punishing him passive aggressively by something you thought he `should' have done, ask yourself what you think his intention was.


Whenever I second guess my boyfriends actions, I stop myself and remind myself just because I think he `should' have done something a certain way doesn't mean it even occurred to him. I remind myself of what his intentions are and I trust that his intentions are always kind and respectful. So when I didn't get that call when I thought I should have it doesn't automatically make it a negative. It's just a difference. Not right or wrong. . just two different people that see things differently.


Outside of what I just mentioned. . you do need to work on your insecurities some. That will alleviate you constantly scanning the room looking for something he did or didn't do and interpreting it as something wrong. It will eat away at your relationship, as you are already experiencing.


In the meantime put all that focus on the things he does right and the things you like about him.

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