Should I leave her?

[Zel9088]

I'm in the most difficult relationship of my life so far since one year ago. I'm from Eastern Europe and my girl is Chinese so there's a pretty big cultural gap in some cases between us. I slowly learned how not to judge her for seeing things differently but in some cases I can't do it. When we got together I made a huge mistake by telling her I don't have female friends ...I had one. That one female friend was really a friend and nothing more to me, we knew each other since three years ago. But she had a serious role in my life since I met her after going through a breakup that knocked me down seriously. Her job is to help people with psychological problems (addicts, unemployed, homeless, ect...) so she used this knowledge to help me getting up from the ground. My girlfriend hated her since the beginning because she was jealous of her. She literally told me she can't accept me having a female friend at all, especially not that girl. First I thought I could explain the situation to my girlfriend by telling we were just friends and I realy wouldn't want to turn my back on someone who helped me when I was on my lowest (I did horrible things to people, even almost killed someone). The results were the opposite of what I expected. She went full blast against my friend (not personally, she were fighting me because of her) and told me I have to cut every communication with the girl. She was complaining about everything from basic jealousy through facebook pictures to the fact I was renting a flat together with this friend and her boyfriend (I had my own room). I decided to stand up for myself and told her if she can't accept my friend she could leave. This made my girlfriend back off and I told her there was only one way to fix this: They must get to know each other to understand they are not enemies (my friend knew about this conflict since she was the one I told most of my problems about cause she was my only friend who got gave me a professional answer to these kind of questions). I organized activities together with the four of us (my girlfriend, my friend and her boyfriend) trying to build up a better relationship between them but it didn't work. My girlfriend came back with the fights and forced me to move out and move in together with her. I did it cause I thought it will make her calm down. It didn't. A little later, after I helped my friend's boyfriend to move some furniture and got home she told me I must cut every communication with my friend. I loved her so I made the decision and told my friend and her boyfriend personally that I was sorry but I had to do this. They both accepted but gave me one last advice to be careful and don't let myself to be abused.

Time passed and things seemed to be okay but my girlfriend started fights againl. Last time after a company party I had with my coworkers. I left on Friday and came back on Saturday (it was supposed to be okay, she knew it was a stay-over activity, not just a dinner). When I got home she went against me again for not being able to contact me on phone until Saturday morning. We had this kind of issue before cause she's the kind of person who basically has her smart phone attached to her body, she doesn't even go to the toiled without it. On the other side it's me who basically hates smart phones and the pressure I have to be online 24/7 because everyone thinks if I'm not online and answering it means I'm dead. I just can't accept that phones and social media is turning people into freaks competing with others 24/7 because of their insecurity and I told my girlfriend about it multiple times. I told a long time ago I'm not the kind of person that can be contacted any at any time any day cause whenever I can I don't keep my phone in my pocket. I'm working in IT so at least for 8 hours a day I'm online. After that I go study together with my girl then even go to the gym together. The only things I do without her are playing video games or going out with my friends (who I barely meet since I moved out from my hometown). So she went full blast against me didn't stop even during the night. I had a friend with me, he visited and we went out to a concert, he would've stay for the night but my girlfriend wouldn't let us sleep, she wouldn't stopped screaming. At this point I couldn't hold myself back and grabbed her ready to punch the out of her face. But I didn't hit, just let her go after holding her for a few seconds. As drunk as we were with my friend we decided to have coffee and drive to my hometown. Same day I got back to my place but the only thing I got from my girl was that I'm too f*cking loud. At this point I told her we were done and I started to pack my stuff. She stopped yelling and asked me to stay. I asked her why I should stay. I wasn't just mocking her, I really wanted to know why she wanted me to stay after all of this. So she explained. I was listening to her for hours and got to know the following:

 

- She was jealous of my female friend because she was socialised this way. Where she comes from it's not okay for a man in relationship to have female friends. I obviously can't accept this cause it sounds like living in the medieval ages.

- She feels like I'm constantly trying to look for reasons and right decisions in our relationship while her point of view is to deciding based on feelings for each other and doing things we might not want to do but we do it cause in exchange our partner will do things too. I simply can't understand how it is better to decide based on feelings when there's logical explanation to something. I'm willing to do things I wouldn't do if it wasn't for her. But if I have to make sacrifices I don't understand (because instead of explanation I have to accept her irrational feelings) it will stay in my head and will be a loss I blame her for. I literally told her about this.

- She told me she can't calm down quickly just because I agreed on turning away from my female friend because it was painful to her for too long, therefore (she said) I have to accept she's gonna fight me from time to time because of this frustration. I can't accept this as a valid reason backing up an unrealistic anger. If I walk up to someone and tell them I want them to keep jumping on one leg for two days I can't just tell them 'If you don't do immediatly what I want I will break your legs later, just so you know'. If someone won't accept my unrealistic requests it doesn't give me the right to hurt them just because I warn them about the consequences.

- She's planning to have a future with me, even buying a house together in a few years, even moving her parents to my country from China if necessary. These are not new information to me, she told me about it before. She told me she got huge pressure from her parents and family not just because this is the Asian way to raise kids but because she's the only child of her parents so it's making it even worse. I told her I thought it was a horrible way to treat kids but also I made sure she can understand I would never ask her to let her parents down. No matter if it's about stuying, working or family. She already got one university degree and is doing the second one in my country so she's doing pretty good with the study part. But most of her female friends are married and/or have kids already and we're talking about Chinese people so it's extreme pressure because of this. Many times I tried to make her understand it was okay to make parents proud and feeling the need to compete with others but if it gets to the point when it's turning her into a raging beast attacking me for no reason it might be the time to start not giving a sh*t about those competitions. She absolutely couldn't accept this advice not even after I explained I understand this is not a thing in Chinese culture and that most of the time it's only part of Western culture so I understand why it's hard for her to do it. I try not to go policital with her cause her views on politics totally match the communist government propaganda except for living abroad and having a European husband. It's not always necessarliy the communist propaganda itself but the fact that criticism of leadership is not allowed at any time. So I don't talk about politics with her if it's not a must. I can accept her being frustrated but I can't accept her going against me like this because of her frustrations. I think I'm not the one putting that pressure on her, she says I put pressure on her buy not accepting these rages after understanding why they happen.

 

I'm aware I like to think I'm smarter than others so I often feel like I can correct them. I do it in relationships too and I hate myself for it, I'm really trying to change it. Once we've ended up in a fight with my girl because I couldn't hold myself back from making fun of Xi Jinping. I told myself 'What the f*ck is that? I don't give a sh*t about Xi Jinping. Why did I had to do it?' So I still have much to change, I know it. I believe everyone should be allowed to say whatever the hell they want and it makes me frustrated when I'm facing censorship in a relationship but I also undetstand that just because I have an opinion it doesn't make it necessary to let the other person know about it. Yet it's still frustrating cause it makes me feel like my words are censored in a relationship and I explained it to my girlfriend very well.

I'm also aware I have a self-destructive way of thinking in relationships wich I probably learned from my parents' bad marriage. My mom is... well basically she's like my girlfriend, freaking out every time she can't get what she wants and having really low self-esteem making her attack family members verbally often. My girlfriend doesn't do exactly these things yet but I'm afraid she's going this way. My father is an alcoholic with low willpower to make progress in life and my mom's behaviour is making it worse. So I understand, as a kid I had a very negative image of how relationships worked and I know it makes my subconscious looking for such a relationship, I'm trying to fight it. But exactly because I know I have this negative image planted in my head I'm afraid I'm gonna end up like my father since I'm showing similarities to his personallity. And I feel like this relationship is going the same way as my parents'. But this is just a feeling and if I'm wrong I will throw away the chance to have very good life and a stable family with someone who'd never leave me behind.

 

 

To anyone who read all of this, thank you for your patience. Do you have any suggestions?

[DanZee]

Do I have any suggestions? Sure. Pack your stuff in the middle of the night. Slip out the door and never look back. This girl will make your life a living hell because things will only get worse. She and her parents will control every minute of your day and every action you do. They will tell you how many kids you'll have and even what kind of car you have to buy. Oh, and don't expect too much affection from her. You're actually in the honeymoon part of your relationship right now. She'll be more like a supervisor of your prison sentence than your wife.

 

So your girlfriend actually gave you a good lesson in cultural differences, but she left out the "why." So here's what's going on. There's a lot of pressure on a Chinese girl to get married right after she completes her degrees so she can start bearing children. The parents also put a great deal of pressure on the girls to marry successful husbands, and a lot of Chinese girls are turning to Westerners, particularly because simply having a car and a house makes you the equivalent of a millionaire in China. And don't be surprised if she moves her parents in to live with you. She was correct about that. A typical Chinese house has multiple generations all living in the same place. And marrying a Westerner gives the parents the opportunity to get visas and move to the West.

 

And believe it or not, her jealous and controlling personality is the typical stereotypical crazy Chinese girlfriend. In the West, we would call what she's dishing out emotional abuse. But it is designed to totally isolate you and cut you off from all your friends, including your female friend. She will hammer you every time you try to go out and do anything you want to do because the point of that is to make you give your wife and your family your complete attention.

 

That part about forcing you to do things you don't like to do is totally an Eastern point of view. What it's doing is demonstrating her control over you. If you drift from the path she's set, there's going to be hell to pay. You've already experienced her explosive arguments.

 

So what she is doing is turning the relationship into a totally traditional Chinese relationship. Have you ever seen any Chinese husbands smiling? I haven't. You won't be smiling either if you stay involved in this relationship.

 

The sad part about this is that love usually isn't in the equation. A married couple is suppose to have children. They don't have to love each other to do it. And parents will often break up love affairs if the guy isn't successful enough or if they think the girl is too silly.

 

Anyways, I think your experience with your mother may have been responsible for you being willing to accept this relationship a lot longer than most people. You've experienced emotional abuse and you've probably developed some tools to deal with it. But you saw how your father turned out. He used alcohol to deal with the abuse. You might turn to alcohol too.

 

But as I've suggested in the beginning of this post, you should get out of this relationship. She will turn you into a living ghost, someone who is barely alive. You'll be just a shell of yourself. And there's nothing you can do unless you stand up to her like you did when you called her bluff about breaking up. But if you're a nice guy, you just won't be able to keep it up and she'll wear you down. But you're feeling bad because of the emotional abuse you're suffering from. You can Google emotional abuse and read more about it. Hopefully, you'll make the right decision about your relationship.

[Zel9088]

First of all, thank you for the detailed answer. It was very helpful. But of course the story you've read is only my side of the story. I was pretty much angry and frustrated when writing it so it's missing some important parts. I'm not the kind of person who's making good decisions on his own. I've been struggling with university for 9 years now. For many years I've been a complete disaster, blaming others for everything all the time, never wanted to study or work, I've had around 10 girls in my life before her (wich also totally freaked her out). So my life started to go upwards during the last two years, I've been working in the US and now I have a decent job at an IT company trying to finish university, working out, stopped eating trash food and drink only a few times a year. I've been together with my girlfriend since one year ago and I realized she can be inspiring because of how hard she's working on going ahead in her life. And by this, she's dragging me forward with herself. But exactly because of this, there's another, hidden fight going on between the two of us. This the fight between her attitude to go ahead and my inner caveman who's afraid of everything new and complicated. This inner caveman (or subconscious, I don't know a better word for it) is the reason I've been failing in my studies so many times, the reason I never had a decent job before, and the reason I've been running away from the real world to video games. It's like it's driving me into failures on puprose. The problem is that I don't know if my girlfriend is dragging me out this swamp or I'm climbing out myself and I'm with her just because I'm trying to push this responsibility on her so I don't have to drag myself out alone. I've strated improving myself a year before I knew her and that female friend I've mentioned has taken a great part of pushing me forward with her psychological mambo jambo that made me understand myself better. So it looks like we are using each other with my girlfriend. She's using me to rule in a relationship and I'm using her to take the responsibility of making the good decisions.

 

At this point I'm completely lost in my thoughts so maybe it's just bs and I'm trying to escape the responsibility of breaking up (I only broke up once in my life, all the other times I've been dumped).

[Lester]

To get more response, use paragraphs.

[Zel9088]

To get more response, use paragraphs.

 

I'm sorry but what do you mean by paragraphs?

[Zel9088]

To get more response, use paragraphs.

 

Never mind, I get it... But I can't edit the thread anymore :(

[john1565]

:D abdolutely right you are! I am afraid to read such long post

[john1565]

I'm aware I like to think I'm smarter than others so I often feel like I can correct them. I do it in relationships too and I hate myself for it, I'm really trying to change it. Once we've ended up in a fight with my girl because I couldn't hold myself back from making fun of Xi Jinping. I told myself 'What the f*ck is that? I don't give a sh*t about Xi Jinping. Why did I had to do it?' So I still have much to change, I know it. I believe everyone should be allowed to say whatever the hell they want and it makes me frustrated when I'm facing censorship in a relationship but I also undetstand that just because I have an opinion it doesn't make it necessary to let the other person know about it. Yet it's still frustrating cause it makes me feel like my words are censored in a relationship and I explained it to my girlfriend very well.

I'm also aware I have a self-destructive way of thinking in relationships wich I probably learned from my parents' bad marriage. My mom is... well basically she's like my girlfriend, freaking out every time she can't get what she wants and having really low self-esteem making her attack family members verbally often. My girlfriend doesn't do exactly these things yet but I'm afraid she's going this way. My father is an alcoholic with low willpower to make progress in life and my mom's behaviour is making it worse. So I understand, as a kid I had a very negative image of how relationships worked and I know it makes my subconscious looking for such a relationship, I'm trying to fight it. But exactly because I know I have this negative image planted in my head I'm afraid I'm gonna end up like my father since I'm showing similarities to his personallity. And I feel like this relationship is going the same way as my parents'. But this is just a feeling and if I'm wrong I will throw away the chance to have very good life and a stable family with someone who'd never leave me behind.

 

 

To anyone who read all of this, thank you for your patience. Do you have any suggestions?

 

Wow! It's amazing to see your level of thinking! Personally, I think sometimes in that way and that's why I feel that who can see his own fault is worthy to get honour!

 

Now come to the solution. I think you should consult with a family/relationship/couple therapist. If you don't know anyone, just go to a psychologist and ask to help you. Best of luck!

[Zel9088]

Wow! It's amazing to see your level of thinking! Personally, I think sometimes in that way and that's why I feel that who can see his own fault is worthy to get honour!

 

Now come to the solution. I think you should consult with a family/relationship/couple therapist. If you don't know anyone, just go to a psychologist and ask to help you. Best of luck!

 

Thanks for the help. Going to a pshychologist is not really on option around. They are far too expensive compared to our salary in this country. I mean the good ones. I've been visiting one before as a kid cause of my anxiety problems but didn't really help. Never figured out why exactly I had that problem.

Talked to my girlfriend about our situation and turned out she feels like I don't want to talk to her about feelings or my interests. Part of it is true. I barely talk about my feelings to people in person (as you can see it's much easier to me online with strangers who I never meet personally), not even with people close to me. And it's even harder to talk about feelings to the person I have those feelings about. Everything's fine until I have some doubts or negative feelings cause then I need someone who can see the situation from outside. Trying to tell her about negativities is like asking "Hey, you mind I stab you in the heart?"

 

Also realized I'm resisting her unnecessarily in a lot of situations without any real reason. Sometimes I do it passively, like when we agree on going to the hills for walk during the weekend then we don't go because she's waiting for me to bring it up but I'm okay with it not happening. Of course in this case it feels like we're both creating a problem in a passive way by just waiting for the other to say something. She really likes walking outside or go to an expensive place wich are things as far from what I like as possible. I know hating on walking outdoors is stupid (feels like I'm going somewhere just to walk back home... If I want to move, I go to the gym), I try to change my attitude about it. For example I really like going to the beach during the summer. But for example going to an expensive place to eat feels like a complete waste of money to me. I like it much more to make food together at home.

 

What makes things hard is the lack of common experience. We don't like the same movies, tv series or music. Although I think it shouldn't be that important in an adult persons life since we have other things to care about like our future, family and work but these are the things I'm interested in when I have free time. Sometimes we can go to the cinema together but she literally told me she likes it because it's something we do together and doesn't really give a about the movie. It sounds very nice from her but it also tells me we're doing two completely different things if you know what I mean. Except for sex and cooking we don't really enjoy things together just enjoy being together.

[Zel9088]

I'm still struggling although I see a little more clearly now. I decided to make pros/cons list about her:

 

pros: cute, smart, self-confident, family-centric, trutworthy, pretty, supportive, friendly, planning ahead, easy to satfisfy sexually

 

cons: agressive, misunderstanding, we don’t have much in common (cultural), language barrier (we both speak Enlgish though), sexually undeveloped (too cute, like a girl instead of a woman), doesn’t care about reasons when argue, too traditional, pubic hair (I’m sorry but this freaks me out…), won’t trust me

 

Do you have any further suggestions?

[Wiseman2]

Let her go. You are way to incompatible.

[abitbroken]

sexually undeveloped (too cute, like a girl instead of a woman)

 

Do you have any further suggestions?

 

Thats not a very kind thing to say or think. she is fully developed! If she is petite - she just has smaller breasts and a smaller figure.

She is no less of a woman.

 

There is probably even more pressure for her to marry if she was born under the one child policy - she doesn't have brothers and sisters to share the load of caring for her parents in old age or to take the pressure off of her having kids.