I want her so much.. but I don't know what to do.

[krustykrab001]

Okay, backstory: I'm 19. Met this awesome girl almost 8 months ago. We hit it off perfectly. Admittedly we did rush into going out (within a few days), however we seemed to click - our personalities are very similar and we share the same opinion on many subjects. Over the past 8 months I've grown to really love her and care about her, and I'll readily say that I would do just about anything for her. I realize how cliched that all is, but it's not even something to be questioned, for me. We've talked very deeply about moving in together, marrying eventually and so on, and it's always just seemed like the right thing to do.

 

Now, that all sounds well and good, but here's the problem - she has serious depression and anxiety problems (I'd rather not go into detail, but very serious). Due to this she often overreacts and/or is overemotional with things. This overemotion often comes out in the form of anger. Basically, this has led to us having quite a rough relationship. Rough, in that we've fought at least once every 1-2 weeks for the past 8 months. These fights often stem from something very small, and due to her depression, lead to her saying some very hurtful things (think along the lines of "I hate you, I wish I'd never met you, you just guilt-trip me into being with you, we're broken up, **** off"). Thing is, I've always tried to take her problems into account and thus give her a lot of leeway with these things - I realize even day-to-day life can be extremely hard for her and she's only human, emotions aren't an easy thing to control (I'll be the first to admit that - I'm not great at it either). Anyway, although compared to other relationships these fights and such things that are said might seem extremely serious, they've (sadly) sort of become the norm for us. Our fights rarely last more than a few hours, let alone days, and we always come back to each other. We both always apologise, and when we aren't fighting, can say without apprehension that we love each other dearly.

 

I realize how dumb everyone must think I am, that I keep going back just to get severely hurt every time. Thing is, the majority of the time we ARE happy - and when we are, it's just amazing. If it wasn't for these silly fights (most of which stem from nothing and are just a result of her clinical depression and my own overemotion) we would be, well, perfect together. Because of such awesome times, it's just so hard to not go back. I know that I keep getting hurt, but I still love her to death and I still cling to the hope that we can be happy together - and I know that we can be, because it's been shown time and time again.

 

Anyway, we had a huge fight last night (at her house). Again, it stemmed from basically nothing, and led to some extremely hurtful things being said from both sides (her to me: "I hate you, I hope you die, I'm never forgiving you for this"... me to her: "you're a selfish b**ch, just **** off"). I slept on the lounge, and I guess was able to swallow my pride and tell her in the morning before I left that I loved her and that I was sorry for what happened (which was the truth, despite how much some of the things she had said had hurt me... I cried for hours). Earlier tonight, over the net, she happily told me (despite what I said to her in the morning) that she wishes she'd never met me and that was the end of it.

 

I hope (and am somewhat sure) that she still loves me and in her heart wants to be with me. The number of times we've "broken up" and then gotten back together in the past exemplifies it.. she just goes too far with what she says, but usually doesn't mean it. I do still love her so much, and I know it's stupid for me to keep going back (and I'm not gonna run back to her begging for her to take me back, don't get me wrong) and getting hurt, but all the same I know we can be happy together. What should I do?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Rozanne]

Sounds like you're being too nice.

 

Depression is a serious thing but it doesn' t allow her to treat you this badly. By letting her treat you in this way and always apologising to her - you are crossing the line between being understanding and being a doormat!

 

Instigate NC - she will come back.

 

But take some time to yourself and think about whether this is really what you want for yourself and whether you are happy to be treated in this way for the rest of your life. Something has to change or else it will only get worse.

 

Best of Luck

[DN]

Don't contact her again. Assume she means it this time and start the moving on process.

 

If she contacts you and wants to reconcile again, tell her that this cycle has to stop. Tell her that the next time she tells you it's over - it will be over for good. And mean it.

[SLMitchell918]

My husband and I use to be like this. It can wreck your life. Sometimes the things you say in a heat of the moment always stick with you even after you have made up. Never backfire with something hurtful just because she hurt you. That is like putting out a fire with another fire.

 

First and foremost, if you feel that her depression is totally wrecking her life, make sure she gets help.

 

Never go to bed mad at each other. It makes for an awful night & somehow the problems never get resolved. But they always linger over your head.

 

I don't believe you have broken up for good. Somehow she is still upset, but I do believe she needs help. Have you ever thought that maybe she likes the drama? She likes making you upset? Don't let her get to you. If she blows up ( I know this is hard) remain calm. If the problems are as small as you are making them out to be, then it shouldn't be hard.

 

--- Good luck.

[derk01]

Man, I feel sorry for you. Thats a very rough situation and I hope it all works out ok.

One thing you should never do is fire back with something hurtful. It only makes the situation worse. No matter how much she hurts you, you should not vent your anger on her. Always let her know you love her.

It may be harder than it sounds, but trust me, it will pay off in the end.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[krustykrab001]

Thanks for the help so far guys! We had a pretty good chat last night and I think it'll be okay for the moment. However, that leads me to my next question - how should I go about saying that all the crap has to stop, basically? I mean, it's a very easy thing in theory, but actually saying it to her - she has (and I can see how) sort of taken it as an insult, ie. her taking it as me just telling her to somehow stop her depression, or "get over it", which simply isn't possible with clinical depression (as you may or may not know, it's a mental problem, there's nothing to "get over"... the depression isn't caused by anything, so it's extremely hard to get past it as it's just *there*).

[Rozanne]

I also have depression that doesn't really appear to be caused by anything and it has wrecked relationships.

It does make life tough but she can't expect you to be her punching bag for whenever she's feeling bad - trust me - I learnt this the hard way.

 

From this point of view, all I can say that is to be as honest as you can with her and let her know, although you love her, the effect that this depression has on YOU! You can't expect her to hide her feelings but she will have to learn to deal with them in a less disfunctional way. Perhaps you could suggest counselling and see if she would like you to go with her.

 

Let her know that you love her and that you want to support her through this but not at your own detriment.

 

Take care.

 

xx

[simon_uk]

I understand exactly what you mean. I had the same problems with my ex, felt like Iw as walking on eggshells all the time and we would fight like you do over insignificant things. But I also understand how you love her so much becasue I feel the same way. My girlfriend said it was over with me numerous times but we always got back within hours or at the most days. This time howver she has said its over and it has been 5 weeks so I guess it really is. I am probably better off without her in all honesty but I do love her and do want to save her from a downward spiral but only she can do that, I now realise. It is heartbreaking I know and I dont know what to suggest, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

 

Take Care

 

Simon