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Feeling guilty for how I treated my ex

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My ex girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago because she thought I was too lazy and smoking too much weed. She did love me more than I loved her. I kind of just accepted her and played along in the relationship. When she broke up it hurt a lot still but I was able to fake being over her right away and kept composure since then but I feel a little guilty for how I acted and how I made her feel.


It wasn't the first time she broke up with me. Three weeks before the final break up she broke up with me for the same reasons. And while I just wanted to be myself and live my life the way I want, I knew I had feelings for her, but they weren't strong. It wasn't really love as I had experiences it before, but I did care for her.


I am 37, she is 28. We met online about 1 year and a half before and moved together about 2 months after. I think we were both alone and miserable at the time, so it felt like it was the right thing to do.


Our relationship was not the greatest, I think we were both not happy with each other. We were supportive of one another emotionally and around our apartment, but I wasn't sexually as attracted to her as she seemed to me and I had to reject her advances many times. She got pretty upset over it at times, but I just wasn't feeling it. One time she even threw a pillow at me because I didn't return any sexual favors.


So after she broke up the first time, I asked her if she was sure about this. Our lifes were already so connected and I kind of didn't want to go through the whole process of finding another long term partner again. I want to get married soon and settle with one person. I have slept around before and wanted to stop doing that. She was kind of angry when she broke up and I was upset as well, but I am the type that doesn't really show emotions on the outside as much. We first didn't talk for a day but then we ended up having sex and things went back to normal.


Then, about three weeks later she did it again. She broke up because I was high too often and just wanted to stay home and watch tv that weekend. This is just who I am and I don't want to change. This time I accepted the breakup and again there was no talking for 3 days. I was pretty pissed and hurt as well. Then I packed my things and moved out to my friends place. She cried, as if she only just realized what she lost. I was sure, I wanted to be brave, leave and find someone more suitable.


She then started to send me texts, begging me to come back. I was still upset and ignored her. She asked me if we could talk about it one more time. She called me, crying down the phone. I was upset and in pain but didn't show it. I told her that she didn't mean much to me and that I didn't love her. I then hung up. Looking back, I shouldn't have done that. I decided at this point to go complete NC for good because I didn't have anything positive to say to her.


So over the past 6 months she kept texting me. I never replied to any of her texts. I blocked her on messenger. I posted only happy moments on my social media, including pictures of me hanging out with other girls, going on vacation, enjoying life. I heard that she was suicidal at one point, but to me the silence was a form of punishment. Her emails were kind of insane.


It made me feel good inside to know that she was regretting her decision. It also made it much easier to get over her seeing how she handled the breakup. Her messages became fewer and fewer, but none the less they were pretty sad and depressing, even angry at times. She even lost her job and struggled in ways I couldn't imagine coping with the breakup. After previous relationships I was in pain a lot more. I even posted here before when I was suffering but couldn't find my account or previous post.


So last weekend I got another message after almost three weeks of silence. She was still kind of disappointed/angry. I am not angry anymore, I don't feel anything towards her anymore, except for guilt because I made her feel this way. She still seems to want to talk, but I don't know about what. I guess she may still have hope but I would doubt it after I showed her how she doesn't matter to me. I haven't changed, I still smoke the same amount of weed and even had sex with others since then.


So the reason why I posted here is because I talked to a common friend and she was on her side. She said that I didn't treat her right after the relationship ended and that I should have talked to her at least to get over it and let her say good bye. She called my actions selfish, but not talking to my ex at all since then made it much easier for me to move on. My plan was to just cut her out and ignore her forever. It is her loss, she broke up.


Am I at fault here? Do I need to feel guilty? Was what I did too harsh? She broke up so why do I feel like I did something wrong? Why do I feel like I want to reply and apologize for my behaviour? Should I ever reply to her, speak to her again? I mean it has been 6 months. Was she right to act this way or is she very needy? Am I really selfish for putting my own feeling before hers even if they aren't as strong as hers? Is there anything I can or should do at this point? What else is there to say? In my opinion, when it's over it's over and there is no emotional responsibility on my part.

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Let's be honest here. You did what you did because you felt you had the upper hand and all the power. You enjoyed her chasing you and sobbing over you because of your ego. It made it that much easier for you to get over her. And now your guilty conscious is kicking in but even so you're being a total loof about it because you know it's the right thing to do by offering her some closure but instead your tap dancing around the obvious. I mean you said yourself you don't care for her. So if you don't care then why don't you call her and offer her some closure on her part so she can get the hell over you and move on. She's suffering because she knows she made a mistake and has so many unanswered questions after the abrupt end, when it all truly was sorta your fault. She was only trying to help with the relationship when all you did was the opposite and push her away. Call the poor girl, be straight up honest with her. Answer her much need questions and make sure everything is settled between you two. If she continues to act out after then at that point it's not on you anymore because you did your part to help her move on. Until then you really need to get a grip. One day it can be you who's doing the sobbing and chasing. Karma can be a biznatch like that.

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Jesus, just give her the respect of a single conversation dude, then you can go back to your weed. Stop with the power trips. It obviously won't work out for you guys but you're being a power-hungry jerk. You should absolutely feel guilty.


Recommended actions:


1. Allow her to say goodbye or to vent. You don't have to get back, but obviously she needs to say something. Have her write a letter, or have a phone call, and acknowledge that you received it / understand. That's all, you don't have to get back together.


2. Say you will go NC and that you wish her well but you need to move on. It's over.


3. Stay the course and do whatever you want.

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IMHO, smoking a lot of weed dulls your emotions - maybe you couldn't feel deeply in love with her because the drug was interfering in your emotions? anyway....


It sounds to me that there was no need for any more conversations. I don't think it's a great idea for exes to keep in contact unless they have children or some other reason why they need to. You weren't that into her, and she broke up with you because she didn't like how much you smoked pot and were lazy. Sounds like you guys were not compatible, that is fine. I don't see a need to keep re-hashing the same conversation or any need to stay in contact. I think that it's good that you blocked her on messenger and all that. I'm sorry that she lost her job, but that is not on you. You two aren't right together, and so it is good that you've been trying to move on, she needs to do the same. If she needs to talk it out, she should talk to her friends or her therapist.

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