how to leave the past behind?

[Positivity19]

I'm young (19) and yet I've experienced a lot of things in my life, more than most people have... in fact, perhaps a bit too many. Don't get me wrong, I had a beautiful life and all the struggles I went through have been great lessons and helped me grow as a person. But... nevertheless, there's one thing I simply can't manage to learn. You know, when someone looks at the past they tend to blame someone, they either play the victim, blame themselves or do both. But I couldn't care less about whose the blame. All I care about, is that I miss it. I miss everything. And I just can't move on. Everything reminds me of it. I don't even remember when was the last time I spent a day without thinking about it. I try and try to move forward, to let it go, but... I can't. How do people do this? I'm starting to believe nobody manages to. They just ignore it, but never forget. And every once in a while, something completely unrelated, or just a moment alone makes them remember everything and it feels like a blade through the heart. What's your opinion on the matter? Please give me any sort of advice.

[rosephase]

How long has it been since "it"? Getting over things can take a long time. Hell, it can take a life time and you still might never get fully there.

 

I'm still working on processing difficult things from my childhood and I'm 33. But it gets easier. You learn new skills and new experiences start to redefine how you think of yourself. It takes work. But it's worth it. When I was in my early 20s I couldn't go a day without thinking about my childhood sexual abuse. Now? I think about it once in awhile. It'll still come up at strange moments. But it doesn't hurt nearly as much. It doesn't paralyze me with shame and guilt. But that took time. And it's not fully gone. It's a part of me and probably always will be. But I can learn to contextualize and move through hard emotions, I can learn to take care of myself, I can learn how I process emotions and actively work on them. It's a muscle or a skill. You can get better at it.

[melancholy123]

What is it you are wanting to get past? You won't ever forget anything that is etched in your brain, so please dont think that is possible.

 

If I am focusing on something negative from years ago, I force myself to thing of something else, do something else, basically distract myself. Generally i works but you have to be diligent and work with yourself to turn your thoughts elsewhere.

[Positivity19]

Thank you so very much for sharing your story and for telling me this. I know it doesn't change anything and that maybe it could even bother you, but I'm very sorry for what you went through. I truly am. And although I don't know you, I know that you've been kind enough to give an advice to a confused, 19 years old fool. And I not only respect you, but am proud of you for that. Life throws the worst at us, and to stay kind is the ultimate challenge. God Bless You.

 

As for what regards me, "It" isn't a bad thing in my case. It's a good thing. At least, it used to. It's a period of my life from years ago. At first I thought it was just a person from it that I missed. A girl I loved to the point that nothing else mattered to me. But now I realize, that it really isn't about her. It's about how life used to be back then. It's about the kind of person I used to live, the kind of life I used to have. Heck, I did a lot of mistakes back then, but I regret none of them. However, I've changed. I can't afford to make the same mistakes anymore, to live the same life or be the same person I used to be, even if I wanted to. I just feel empty, everything I used to know and love has changed, and I feel alone despite being surrounded by people. I just wish I could feel the same way again, but I really have to idea of how to do so. I can't control life, only go with the flow. And the flow, is the unknown, it's scary, exciting and will be lonely for an undetermined ammount of time. More than anything, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to love the same way again.

[Positivity19]

Thank you very much for the advice. "It" is a period of my life. The kind of person I used to be, the kind of feelings I used to have. And despite how much I'll try, I'll never be able to get that back. That's why I'm trying to move on.

[rosephase]

Thank you so very much for sharing your story and for telling me this. I know it doesn't change anything and that maybe it could even bother you, but I'm very sorry for what you went through. I truly am. And although I don't know you, I know that you've been kind enough to give an advice to a confused, 19 years old fool. And I not only respect you, but am proud of you for that. Life throws the worst at us, and to stay kind is the ultimate challenge. God Bless You.

 

As for what regards me, "It" isn't a bad thing in my case. It's a good thing. At least, it used to. It's a period of my life from years ago. At first I thought it was just a person from it that I missed. A girl I loved to the point that nothing else mattered to me. But now I realize, that it really isn't about her. It's about how life used to be back then. It's about the kind of person I used to live, the kind of life I used to have. Heck, I did a lot of mistakes back then, but I regret none of them. However, I've changed. I can't afford to make the same mistakes anymore, to live the same life or be the same person I used to be, even if I wanted to. I just feel empty, everything I used to know and love has changed, and I feel alone despite being surrounded by people. I just wish I could feel the same way again, but I really have to idea of how to do so. I can't control life, only go with the flow. And the flow, is the unknown, it's scary, exciting and will be lonely for an undetermined ammount of time. More than anything, I'm afraid that I'll never be able to love the same way again.

 

Hey, relax. You are 19. You are going to feel so many different ways. You aren't stuck here. How you feel will keep changing. You are going through a low point. And it sucks and you can remember when it didn't suck. But it will feel better. And then worse. Then amazing. Then kinda lonely. Your feeling state keeps changing. Pay attention when you are feeling better. Take time to notice. And know you aren't stuck. It just feels that way.

[Capricorn3]

At least, it used to. It's a period of my life from years ago. At first I thought it was just a person from it that I missed. A girl I loved to the point that nothing else mattered to me..

Is this the girl you "fell in love with when I was 7" ? Some actress?

[TWG]

Find out what you care about right now, and give that energy, focus, and attention. Nurture the part of you that is moving forward. Get to know yourself, and do some free writing in a notebook about the future you'd like to live in, if everything worked out perfectly. Find your inner path, and then start to reflect this by feeling positive emotions, even if you have to pretend. Be honest with yourself, but if you know what you like, after inner exploring, pretend you're already living that life. What would that be like? Nurture that part of you and it will help you to move on.

[Positivity19]

Thanm you very much for the advice. Perhaps you're right. I just have to wait.

[Positivity19]

Thanks for the advices. I'm already doing all of this, but I can't help but miss the past.

[Positivity19]

I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but yes. However it's more complicated than what it seems, it's not just a "celebrity-crush". It was more like a "hope". You were right, I know nothing about her and she isn't the kind of person I thought she was. It's just that, truth be told, I did have great connections with many girls, love, heartbreaks, a relationship which ended up badly. This actress to me seemed like the ideal person. The perfect girl. You know the saying "nice guys finish last"? Well, that was my case. I tried and tried to "conquer" the girls I like. To always help them, be supportive. To be a good boyfriend. But no matter how much I tried, girls simply had fun with me for a while, used me for their own goals and then, as soon as they didn't need me anymore, the relationship ended. All I want it true love, a relationship with someone who actually cares about me and likes me for who I am. And, since those past relationships didn't end well, I had kind of given up and "escaped" by imagining my dream girl. I'm just looking for someone faithful, kind, intelligent and with a good sense of humor. And yet, these qualities have becomed quite rare among girls. I'm afraid that maybe I'll never find love.

[chrissyh23]

I'm young (19) and yet I've experienced a lot of things in my life, more than most people have... in fact, perhaps a bit too many. Don't get me wrong, I had a beautiful life and all the struggles I went through have been great lessons and helped me grow as a person. But... nevertheless, there's one thing I simply can't manage to learn. You know, when someone looks at the past they tend to blame someone, they either play the victim, blame themselves or do both. But I couldn't care less about whose the blame. All I care about, is that I miss it. I miss everything. And I just can't move on. Everything reminds me of it. I don't even remember when was the last time I spent a day without thinking about it. I try and try to move forward, to let it go, but... I can't. How do people do this? I'm starting to believe nobody manages to. They just ignore it, but never forget. And every once in a while, something completely unrelated, or just a moment alone makes them remember everything and it feels like a blade through the heart. What's your opinion on the matter? Please give me any sort of advice.

I personally believe this happens to remind us. We need to hang on to the memories and remember the feelings associated with them in order to learn and grow.