iwtsmm Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 hello my name is JT I have never done this before and I have read a few old forums on here that sound very similar to what im going threw. I am looking for maybe a little advice. my wife and I have been together for 10 years we have lived together for almost 9 of them and we have been married for 6. we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. as far as our relationship goes its great we hardly ever fight we love being together and we both love to hunt, fish, golf, and camp together. our sex life has never been great its always felt more like a chore. I was blind to all of that until recently. we always blamed it on hormones or child birth or something like that. now she is telling me that she isn't sexually attracted to me or IN love with me and she doesn't think that she has been for a long time. she feels that we are missing the passion and we have only just been friends for this entire time. we were only 18 when we started dating and we skipped a lot of probably important steps. my big problem right now is that she says that passion isn't something that you should have to work on it should just always be there and now she wants out. I am trying everything I can think of I am trying to get in better shape and trying to get her to talk with me to a therapist. fill free to ask me more questions I know I probably didn't tell everything thanks Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 It sounds like she has been thinking about this for a long time and has checked out of the relationship. Have you let yourself go? Have you worked at the relationship or just cruised along? Have you listened to her worries and complaints or blew them off? Has she changed recently? Lost weight? New clothes? New friends? New work hours? One her phone all the time? Protective of her phone? The thing is that you cannot change her mind or fix this just like that. It has taken years to get here and it will take a long time to make it better. Your best bet is to work on yourself right now but make the improvements for yourself, not to trick her into staying. They need to be real, not some desperate attempt to save the relationship. Lose weight if you need to, eat healthy, stop your bad habits, be clean shaven all the time, spend time with your daughter (get involved in her school, her life), start taking care of things around the house you have let go, go do things with your daughter just the two of you. Basically do a total 180 and be the father/man you always wanted to be but never seemed to achieve. Do all this but NEVER do it in front of your wife like you are trying to prove anything, just do it because you should be doing it. Hopefully she will notice. Next stop talking about "US" with her, if she talks to you about it tell her "Thank you for telling me how you feel, I am going to take some time to really think about what you have said and how you feel" Then leave it alone. But you need to really think about what she says so when you do get a chance to talk you will know how you really feel, not just talk like a guy that is afraid of loosing everything. Stalling her leaving is your best hope. Time can be your friend or your enemy, remember that. Lost Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 . my big problem right now is that she says that passion isn't something that you should have to work on it should just always be there and now she wants out. I am trying everything I can think of I am trying to get in better shape and trying to get her to talk with me to a therapist. Her thinking is really naïve and unless there is something else to this story - she'll be very disappointed when she goes out into dating world only to find herself in the same exact situation some time down the road. A marriage or relationship of long duration is something you need to work on. Add in daily routines, challenges, children and passion gets put up some where on shelf sometimes. It waxes and wanes and it's always something that you need to work on. I hope for the sake of your family that you two at least get into marriage counselling before she's made her final decision. Link to comment
iwtsmm Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 thanks for your comments I am not fat but I am not fit either I am skinny fat I guess you could say but I have hit the gym as hard as you can for the last three weeks and it is starting to show she has bought some new clothes she tells me that she loves me but shes just not in love and there is something missing. I am positive that there isn't another man. I just cant understand why she isn't willing to try a little. Link to comment
iwtsmm Posted March 28, 2018 Author Share Posted March 28, 2018 we talk and spend a lot of time together we love being with each other. she has just never mentioned anything of this sort to anyone. her family and mine and the few friends that know about it are absolutely blown away because we are so good together. but she wont listen to anyone because she says that they don't understand and they don't know how she feels. and unfortunately everyone I mean everyone is on my side and she is starting to build a wall between all of it. I think that she has thought about this for so long that she has already made up her mind and she is comfortable with her decision and she doesn't want to change her mind. she tells me that she has always been happy its just that we are missing that passion that she thinks should just be there without effort. Link to comment
sky09 Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Sorry, dude. For a large number of the folks that got the ilybnilwy, there usually was somebody else that she was "in love" with. How is her phone habits? Is she being secretive with it? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Sadly she is describing the dreaded roommate-zone. When is the last time you went on a date night? Got a baby sitter and went to a restaurant? Went away for a weekend to a romantic place? When is the last time you cleaned up, shaved, smelled nice, dressed nice and took her out? Start acting like the guy you were when you were dating and the romance/passion was there. She may have her eye on some guy she has a crush on. Do whatever it takes to be that exciting guy again. When your partner sees you as a friend or roommate, it's a warning sign to do something. now she is telling me that she isn't sexually attracted to me or IN love with me and she doesn't think that she has been for a long time. she feels that we are missing the passion and we have only just been friends for this entire time. Link to comment
sky09 Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Sadly she is describing the dreaded roommate-zone. When is the last time you went on a date night? Got a baby sitter and went to a restaurant? Went away for a weekend to a romantic place? When is the last time you cleaned up, shaved, smelled nice, dressed nice and took her out? Start acting like the guy you were when you were dating and the romance/passion was there. She may have her eye on some guy she has a crush on. Do whatever it takes to be that exciting guy again. When your partner sees you as a friend or roommate, it's a warning sign to do something. I like how people assume it's always the man that needs to get his act right lol not calling you out specifically, wiseman. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 It's very common for people about to bail to convince themselves they were never in love. She's just trying to justify bailing in her own mind. Sounds like Walk-away-wife syndrome. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 There have been tons of people on this forum that were positive there wasn't somebody else in the picture only to discover they were dead wrong later. Don't discount the possibility. Tell us everything she is doing differently in the last year. You listed new clothes, what else? Be factual and we can help you see what is really going on. Lost Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 It's very common for people about to bail to convince themselves they were never in love. She's just trying to justify bailing in her own mind. Sounds like Walk-away-wife syndrome. Re-writing the history of the relationship is very common to ease guilt or lay blame somewhere else. Which is easier for someone to live with? "I have been in love with you our whole relationship and been happy but I want out" or "I don't think I have ever been IN LOVE with you and it isn't fair to go on like this" In the end something pushed her over the edge. Sometimes it is a newly divorced friend telling stories of the fun single life, some guy flirting with her, online romance, old flame looking her up on FB you name it but most of the time there is a trigger. Lost Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Yeah...my ex wife ..I never ever would’ve thought there was someone else, after 24 years and 2 kids and house and 2 dogs and cat ..and all our ups and downs..THEN I got the I’m not in love with you, and it NEVER really felt right, and I want to be single I’ve always been a mom and wife etc etc..but yes there WAS someone else. And it didn’t take long for her to move in with him. They rewrite history, and I think they hide it probably because they don’t really want to hurt us that bad, and then they’ll play it like they didn’t cheat they waited till the breakup but it’s all BS, it’s the same ol story. This site and plenty others are full of this same scenario. Link to comment
Lester Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 She's seeing or fantasying about someone. They have talked often. Can you account for most of her time? Has she spoken highly of some man you both know in the past few years? Read James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book, and don't confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today's vengeful/watered down versions. ) Don't make the mistake thinking this can't be happening to you. It can! Link to comment
galessmith16 Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Sounds like y'all have being together for a long time. Like fire -does not matter how strong it is at the begining - time will ensure to put it out. In order to keep up the fire both of you must feed it. The daily routine over time will destroy the passion with in us. Women are always approach by men, and she is probably finding some exitmen with some one else. You would too if an attractive women would want some thing with you. It's natural after having the same partner for years. Try talking to her and give each other the fantasy you both want. Y'all being together for a long time and now days we see sex everywhere. Wen we go shopping for clothes, all the post, commercial, God almous all the girls dress sexy, every were you turn there is a sexy girl. It's a really competitive sex world for both men and women. The worst part is that if you're marry you can only be with one person. Right? Or at least that's how we have being raise. That does not mean we have to fallow the tradition - has anyone here tried open relationship? being married and having a relationship with others it's not for everyone but a lot of people doit because it keeps thing sexually interesting for them. Good luck my friend! Link to comment
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