3 days NC post-breakup - feeling okay or in denial?

[tryingtobe]

I'm 26 been with my boyfriend(31) for about 10 months and we broke up 4 days ago. The relationship started off great - my family loved him, my friends loved him but then things started changing once he started a new job about 4 - 5 months ago. We went from texting everyday and seeing each other every evening/weekend (we went to the gym together) to only seeing each other on the weekends and texting sporadically throughout the day. We met up once and I jokingly asked if he didn’t have time for me anymore because of the new job and he just said ‘What’s more important the job or texting you?’ - well, obviously I don’t think I should take priority over the job so I told him that and we just left it at that.

 

We started having more and more disagreements (mostly, me getting upset over not speaking so much and trying to bring it up and he’d get mad and give me the cold shoulder if I ever brought it up until I apologized) and I started feeling more and more insecure. Sorry, I don’t really know what the point of writing this all out is but I just feel like getting it all out.

 

Some things that have happened (these aren’t all the upsetting things that have happened…just the ones that stick out most in my mind):

1. He never complimented me on how I looked (even when I made an effort to dress up for dates) and once I’d jokingly (yes, I seem to ask needy questions in a joking way - working on fixing this) asked him if he thought I had nice legs and he said ‘No’. And I was pretty upset by this. He then asked me if I was upset and I said yeah, a bit and he just said ‘Do you want me to lie to you?’. Never asked him again for any thoughts on my appearance.

 

2.He started getting really obsessed with Pokemon Go and would spend all his free time meeting up with people from the game (he’d cut dates short just to go meet up with them and we ended up texting even less because he’d ignore my texts to play the game…) and when I told him it feels like on his list of priorities it was: work, pokemon then me. He agreed - gave the reason that the game helps him destress so he wouldn’t take the stress out on me.

 

3.On one date (a few months ago), we started talking about people making an effort in relationships (I don’t even know how this came up) and he turns to me and says ‘I think I’ve made all the effort, I can’t think of any nice things you’ve done for me apart from buying me KFC that one time’. I was really hurt by this…I mean, I wasn’t keeping score of who did more of what but I’d been taking him out for dinners, planning nice dates for us, getting him nice gifts and most importantly, helping him find the new job (that he currently has) and I felt like he didn’t appreciate any of that at all. Stupidly, I ended up crying and he tries to comfort me saying that he was ‘joking’ about me not making an effort

 

4.We’d planned to have a nice dinner at my place one night at 8.00pm so he’d have to come over after work. He shows up almost 40 minutes late (the whole time I was just sitting around waiting for a text from him to at least let me know he was stuck at the office or stuck in a jam but nope, radio silence) and tells me he’d left the office at 8.00pm (It takes about 30 - 40 minutes to get to my place with the after work traffic and he knows this). Didn’t bother apologizing until I brought it up.

 

5.I’d brought up the communication issues multiple times and he’d always brush it off saying he already texts me in his free time, he’s really busy at work and I just sort of accepted that. But about a month ago, the texting became more and more sporadic (we could go maybe one or two days without exchanging anything other than ‘Good morning’ and ‘Good night’ texts) and we saw each other even less. The thing is he kept getting ill because he’d been working overtime ever since he started the new job (mostly because of the money - he started becoming more and more obsessed with getting more money) and I looked after him while he was ill (I.e. taking him to the doctor, buying and dropping off food for him, medicine) and the last time that I brought food over for him, I lost it because I’d gone out of my way to bring the food over and he didn’t even say ‘thanks’, just said ‘okay’ took the food and went back into his house. I know I was probably being unfair since he was ill - which was the excuse he gave me for not saying ‘thank you’ once I confronted him about it - and he gave me the cold shoulder for about a day until I apologized for getting mad at him for not saying thanks.

 

6.I’m a very emotional person and (I cry like a LOT - it could be over anything…seeing stray puppies, arguing with my sister) the boyfriend knows this and I went over to his place to spend his birthday with him (at this point, things already felt like they were going downhill, we barely spent any time together, barely spoke to each other apart from the usual ‘How was your day’ exchange). We ended up watching some tv show and I thought one character’s backstory was pretty sad so I said ‘Awww that’s so sad’, he then turns to me and out of the blue says ‘Go ahead and cry, I know you’re looking for an excuse to cry’. Then after he told me he plans to spend his free time over the next 3 years at home to save money. I was pretty shocked, I mean we don’t go out as it is and he wants to just stay home for the next 3 years and I just sat there and said ‘Okay’ and then he turns to me again and says ‘Don’t cry about it’ [bTW, I didn’t end up crying either of those times]

 

7.I tried to bring up our communication issues again (told him I’d been really unhappy with this) and he got angry saying maybe he’s just tired of texting, he has to do chores, he doesn’t have anyone helping him do his laundry or iron his clothes and then he just gives me the cold shoulder until I reached out a day or so later and this whole issue was just ignored again

 

8.So another 3 weeks go by, haven’t seen each other the entire time and we’re still barely speakingand this time we haven’t spoken in about 3 days so after a good morning text that he sent around 11am on Saturday (the day of the breakup) and I replied to around 12pm, I don’t hear back from him at all. He doesn’t work Saturdays so he was probably at home. The conversation then goes like this:

 

Me (around 6pm): another busy day where there’s no time to talk?

X: No I was in the toilet

Me: You were in the toilet from this morning til now?

X: I worked til 3am yesterday

Me: You have no work life balance. I feel like I’m not even on your list of priorities anymore. Before you complained about us texting too much and you being busy so I compromised with talking less, now you’re so busy that we can go for days without talking, I don’t know what else I can compromise on

X: Yes I have no work life balance

Me: That’s all you’re going to say? I would like it if you could just tell me if you have no time for this relationship so you don’t waste your time and you don’t waste my time

X: Since you think this is a waste of your time then I won’t waste your time

Me: Why wouldn’t it be a waste of my time when I’m unhappy so much? I love you but I keep trying and trying to talk to you about communicating more and it doesn’t get me anywhere

X: Yes, sorry for wasting your time

Me: Thanks

X: Me2 *then he promptly deletes the message*

Me: Huh?

 

Haven’t spoken to each other since. I know I played a part in the relationship breaking up what with me being insecure and needy with the lack of communication (he couldn’t seem to find the time to text me but was constantly on FB messenger or going ‘online’ on whatsapp for ages and never reading my messages but whenever we were together, he was always checking his phone) and I don’t blame everything on him. I know I've got a lot of growing up to do so I've been focusing on myself and not looking to start dating or rushing into anything new...I've been feeling okay on and off but I'm not sure if I'm actually slowly healing or just stuck in denial about it. Any tips on how to better yourself after a breakup?

 

P.s Sorry this post is long and rambly...just felt like I needed to get everything out!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. After 10 mos incompatibilities come out. It would be best to reflect on your own life in terms of your happiness with work, friends, family, interests, etc. Make sure there is enough going on in your life so you don't make someone the center of your universe and smother them to death.

I'm 26 been with my boyfriend(31) for about 10 months. I jokingly asked if he didn’t have time for me anymore because of the new job and he just said ‘What’s more important the job or texting you?’

[11moreweeks]

My thoughts:

 

1: I don't think you were terribly needy, and I think you did a fine job communicating (based partially on your communication on this thread). I don't think you have that much growing up to do -- I think he does, though. You tried to communicate. You put in effort in the relationship. You didn't use silent treatment or other childish tactics to "get your way" / avoid confrontation. There's nothing wrong with being a person who has emotions or does better with better communication, more quality time, or verbal reassurance at times. Some people just love that way and feel loved that way. Some insecurity can be an issue, but I think you're over-blaming yourself. He had a habit of making you take the blame for anything that wasn't pleasant in the relationship, it seems.

2: The 4-5 months new job probably aligned with the loss of the honeymoon phase. Don't blame the work entirely.

3: Stop calling your ex your boyfriend. Surprisingly, it helps a decent amount.

4: 3 days is nothing. Do not even worry about "healing" rates until at least a couple months down the line.

5: Good on you for opting to not date and focusing on a single, improved (based on your own opinion of an "ideal self") you. If you don't want to be as "needy" as you are currently deeming yourself to be in a relationship, then do that for your own perception of what constitutes a good relationship, not based on how things went with this ex-boyfriend. Also, be careful to trust your own judgments and perceptions for a while still. Clarity and confidence are different things, too.

[Ziggy123]

He sounds absolutely terrible. I hope you can see that in time. So happy for you that you are out of that relationship even though it hurts now.

[DanZee]

I don't think you realize that a girl should never be treated this way by a boyfriend and you shouldn't have allowed this guy to treat you like this. I don't see how you played even a small part in this other than allowing him to walk all over you. You may need to boost your self esteem because no one would allow Pokemon Go to be considered more important than themselves. He was the one that has a lot of growing up to do. You're sweet and kind and he took advantage of that.