I found out my BF of three years might be a father

[Kotka91]

I’ve been dating my bf for 3 years. I’ve helped him with his struggles with addiction and bettering his life. His mother and father are alcoholics and do not support him with sobriety. I’ve been struggling with helping him be sober for 3 years. When he’s intoxicated he’s the worst person, constantly flirting with woman, exes, and he can be violent. After our disaster trip to Mexico I received a message from a woman I’ve never heard of, stating “ your man should pay for his 6 year old child instead of partying in Mexico”.

I confronted him about it and he did admit to thinking he might be the father of her child. He doesn’t know for sure because there was no test taken. He said she was just a one night stand.

I really don’t feel good about this whole situation and I feel I can’t talk to anyone about it. I really want to end the relationship but it’s hard...

[Hollyj]

Why do you seek men who are projects? Have you ever looked into your co dependence?

 

What attracted you to an abusive, violent, cheating drug addict? I don't understand why you got involved with this guy to begin with?

 

Get away from this dangerous loser! It should not have taken this incident for you to leave. You should have left LONG ago.

[Kotka91]

I feel trapped. Everytime I try to break it off he tells me he’s going to kill him self . He’s honestly a nice guy when he’s sober. We live in the house I own and he pays his share of bills.

[boltnrun]

Next time he threatens to kill himself, the right thing to do is call the police.

 

If he means it, he will get the help he needs. If he doesn't mean it, he will stop with the manipulative BS.

 

Most addicts are "nice" when sober. But you have to take all of him if you choose (yes, choose) to stay, not just the "nice" parts.

 

Do you want marriage someday? Children? Do you want children with someone who is horrible when they use drugs and drink? Do you want your future children exposed to how he is when he's drunk and high?

[Hollyj]

He is not going to kill himself. If he threatens it, then call the police. You are not his mother, and he is not your responsibility. Are you going to stay with him forever, because he makes these threats?

 

If he is so nice, then I guess it's not all that bad. You did a complete 180, from your original post. If yo are not going to honest with yourself, then things will stay the same.

 

Read this: https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/codependency-definition-signs-worksheets/

[Kotka91]

I’m honestly trying to explore all options before I call it quits. He’s going to AA meetings now and seeking referral for psychiatry. He’s currently on depression meds and he’s feeling suicidal at times. So those need to be changed.

His mother’s birthday is next week and he says he needs to go there and make an appearance... there will be alcohol there and I’m sure they will expect him to drink ... he thinks I should go with him so he doesn’t drink.. I don’t feel comfortable because his mother isn’t fond of me

[Hollyj]

He sounds like your child. He should be doing these things, not you.

 

Do you usually choose these types of men?

[Kotka91]

I’ve been successful in my life and I like watching others succeed. I seen a lot of potential in him but his addictions and mental issues get in the way. I do feel like his mother at times . I know it’s not normal.

[figureitout23]

I’ve been successful in my life and I like watching others succeed. I seen a lot of potential in him but his addictions and mental issues get in the way. I do feel like his mother at times . I know it’s not normal.

 

 

 

I’m honestly trying to explore all options before I call it quits. He’s going to AA meetings now and seeking referral for psychiatry. He’s currently on depression meds and he’s feeling suicidal at times. So those need to be changed.

His mother’s birthday is next week and he says he needs to go there and make an appearance... there will be alcohol there and I’m sure they will expect him to drink ... he thinks I should go with him so he doesn’t drink.. I don’t feel comfortable because his mother isn’t fond of me

 

 

If you're just going to find excuses to stay what do you want us to tell you? Honest question, I'm not being a smart ass. What are you hoping to hear? Typically when a poster counters everything said it's because they have a response they're looking for.

 

Looks like you're as codependent on him as he is on you and until you choose to seek help this is the life you're choosing to live, no use in complaining. Again not being a smart ass nor am I being dismissive, you know full well this isn't normal but you've convinced yourself you can save him, that's about you not him, and if you're ok with being a martyr instead of happy there's nothing any of us can tell you.

[Hollyj]

I’ve been successful in my life and I like watching others succeed. I seen a lot of potential in him but his addictions and mental issues get in the way. I do feel like his mother at times . I know it’s not normal.

 

Never bet on potential when dating. Ever. This is your codependence speaking.

 

Why not find guy, who offers the total package, not a lot of drama, abuse and problems. This is more about you and your poor choices in partners.

[luminousone]

I just gave this same advice yo my niece, who is in recovery. Her bf is an addict.

 

You really have to go with who the person is now, not "potential". Your bf may or may not get his life together but he is certainly not meeting that potential now.

 

Right now: he is an addict. He is also someone that has turned his back on his child - or hasn't even bothered to get a test to confirm paternity or not. How sad for that child!

 

When under the influence he has anger issues. He is manipulating you into staying in this relationship by threatening suicide.

 

This is the person he is. What is so attractive about that?

 

You deserve someone that is responsible, loving, and financially and emotionally stable.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I’ve been dating my bf for 3 years. I’ve helped him with his struggles with addiction and bettering his life. His mother and father are alcoholics and do not support him with sobriety. I’ve been struggling with helping him be sober for 3 years. When he’s intoxicated he’s the worst person, constantly flirting with woman, exes, and he can be violent. After our disaster trip to Mexico

 

If anyone is violent you should not be with them. What happened in Mexico?

[monsterdrinker]

 

When in AA they teach you how to deal with scenarios where there will be alcohol involved. If your bf is serious about wanting to give up the booze then he will. Whether you are present or not. It is something he must do for himself, you can encourage him yes but trust me, it is all on him. If there will be alcohol present it is up to him if he feels comfortable in those surroundings, not you so do not feel like you have to go there so he does not drink. To be honest it might be Best if he doesn't go either until he is at a stage where he does not need his hand held to be around alcohol. It takes 5-6 weeks to form a habit and 5-6 weeks to break it. The body of an alcoholic will be dependant on the drug physically for 2 weeks. After this time its all about breaking the habit and using tools to avoid situations. I do not recall you saying how long he has been sober? But if he's fresh, its best to stay away from triggers.

[MissCanuck]

Yikes, this guy is a mess.

 

You can't fix him, OP. If he won't help himself and get his life sorted out - including finding out whether he is indeed the father - you're completely wasting your time with him.

 

As the others said, phone emergency services the next time he threatens suicide. His problems are not the kind you can solve.