Is it even worth trying again?

[Ralipotso]

Long story short, we've been together a bit over 2 years, it was my first proper gay relationship, he's Australian, I'm British, he's 25, I'm 27.

 

The break up came a bit out of nowhere, but I knew that things weren't quite right. I didn't expect a break up, I just knew we needed to talk more. Post break up, there were ongoing texts and calls when he'd say he wasn't sure what he wanted, that he thought about me a lot etc. The two main issues seem to have been his commitment problems relating to his upbringing and his parents' relationship, and sex. For a long time, he said he was unsatisfied with sex because he could tell I was so anxious and in my head. Now I can see that he is actually correct. I can never just relax and enjoy and he said he always knew what I was going to do next.

 

We ended up going to a spa together all day about a month post-breakup because it had already been booked and it was a good opportunity to talk. Here, he said that he could now see that he was making himself unhappy because of his commitment issues. He also said that he really wanted to have his strong feelings back for me because he loves all these things about me and wants to be the one to snap me up before someone else does. He was saying all these lovely things and we talked in depth for many hours about what we were both missing from the relationship and what we could try to improve things. If we were to try again properly, I feel that we are now much less naive and in a much better place to try again. I'm now much more aware of my problems with sex and hopefully this is now something I can work on and help satisfy his needs, as well as my own.

 

However, due to the sex being a big problem for him, he was admitting to me that he felt he needed to have sex with other people. He's now on a ski trip with a large group of friends, one being another gay guy. Before we talked seriously about trying again, he told me that he had seen this guy as an opportunity to satisfy his short-term needs. Although once we talked, he said that he wanted to prioritise long-term and how he'd regret for the rest of his life not trying again, I am still so worried that he's going to fool around with this other person before we even get the chance to give us a real go again. It's been 3 days out of his 10 day trip and it's driving me crazy. I so want to be able to trust him again after he broke my heart with the breakup. We still have so many things in common and love spending time together. I know there's nothing I can do whilst he's away, but it's eating me up. It's not like we're 'on a break' either. It was 4-5 days before he left that we said we would try again and go slow. It's bad timing in lots of ways, but I suppose if he does something, it's a good test and I know that he's just not ready for this relationship...

[Hollyj]

"He said the commitment thing was like a huge wall inside him and a huge barrier that he didn't know how to knock down."

 

He has commitment issues and wants to sleep with others. He is not relationship material. Nothing has changed in little over a month.

 

Move on or you are only setting yourself up for a lot more pain. Find someone who wants you.

[Hollyj]

Having common interests, means nothing! A common set of values is the most important thing in a relationship!

[DanZee]

Well, this is why people on ENA advise that you go No Contact with an ex because texting and meetups only reopen the wounds again. He's young and he still wants to "sow his oats" so to speak. You want to pair up in a relationship. He just doesn't want that. You just can't force him into something he doesn't want. Go NC and look for someone else. Stop hurting yourself.

[MissCanuck]

This isn't going to be the guy for you, OP.

 

Sure, you might have some anxiety but he also has own issues that hinder a long-term, monogamous relationship. He is not able or willing to commit at this time in his life, and he is sexually active with others. You two want totally different things, and I would not recommend trying again.