Worried About Progress

[11moreweeks]

My ex left me almost 4 and a half months ago. For the first 2 and a half months, we had heavy contact, but I knew that she was starting to get close to some new guy that she was talking to me about before the breakup. Almost 2 months ago, she finally revealed to me that she was dating him, and so since then, we've been almost completely no contact (I replied cordially to a happy birthday text 1 month ago, but that's it). I was with her for 8 years and I was very emotionally invested in the relationship because I had great reason to think it was going to get monumentally better soon (in May) after a few years of things being very difficult due to external factors & issues in my family. I still have to deal with these external factors every day and will have to for at least 2 more months, so that doesn't help my recovery much at all. It's also my first breakup, so I don't have that much experiencing regarding over how I should be feeling as I heal.

 

All things considered, I feel I've done pretty well with moving on. I only think about her for about 20% of my waking hours now and I'm not nearly as emotionally invested in her.

 

But.. I still cry about 2 hours every day over losing her and the relationship. This hasn't changed that much since the breakup first started, though I do feel it hurts less. I've also been stabilizing into a really depressed state -- I just feel like a lot of my purpose in life is gone and like the light in my life has burned out.

 

I'm worried about this becoming a longer-term new normal. I have so many things I should be able to look forward to, but it's very hard to do that consistently, even with cognitive behavioral therapy and serious improvements in other areas of my life.

 

I guess I can't fully judge myself until I can improve my life more, but acknowledging that doesn't quell my concerns.

[DanZee]

Hmm. What were you guys arguing about that broke you up after 8 years.?

[11moreweeks]

Hmm. What were you guys arguing about that broke you up after 8 years.?

 

Nothing. It wasn't a break up out of an argument. We rarely ever argued. She wanted to break up for.. probably a while, and it was arguably fair for her to do so (too much strain on the relationship from my home issues lead to me not being a worthwhile boyfriend for too long). My first thread is an absurdly long read, but goes into the details of it all.

 

It honestly seems like she broke up because she found someone else, or perhaps stayed with me out of concern for my well-being (for who knows how long) until she felt comfortable to leave.

[Carus]

Hey 11* Unfortunately there are no timelines to grieving a loss and the fact you still cry is totally normal and understandable. I mean, you've read my thread right!?

 

But so long as you hang in there and take care of yourself then day by day, inch by painful inch you will eventually heal...

 

It's the worst thing I've ever had to cope with in this life and I've done my fair share of it... I wish there was someway I could reach into your chest and pull that splinter out, but I can't....Your heart will just have to absorb it and heal around it...and that will take time.

 

Here's a vid for you to watch to keep your mind off things for half an hour at least:

 

Sending you Strength Brother*

 

You've been wounded. You need to heal.

 

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Hello 11,

 

As the wonderful Carus points out, we are in this mess together.

 

I am 5 months post b/up and my emotions are similar to yours, maybe except the crying (some do, some don't, really).

 

The pain is always nearby.. Yes, there are great high's amongst this too, but my thoughts are never far from her, in some aspect.

 

Be thankful that she was at least honest with you in the end.. some people don't even get that!

 

I have probably fully accepted the break, but it doesn't automatically stop it hurting.

 

From what I've seen of your posts, I have no doubt you will make someone else a great b/f.

 

Chin up, stay strong and keep moving forward.

[11moreweeks]

Carus: Thank you. I appreciate that, and the video was refreshing, especially the importance of not letting people who think you should just "get over it by now" get in the way. Being a university student, most of my peers and support network simply don't understand what it's like to lose a relationship/bond that develops over such a long time -- they, at best, can compare it to 2-3 year relationships that, while perhaps very dear to them, were unlikely to have been so intrinsic to their world for so much of their development.

I do expect that I will eventually "heal", but I am concerned about what exactly constitutes healing. I was pretty much a child before I started dating my ex, so I don't know what kind of baseline I should be returning to. It's almost as if life didn't exist before her, so it's hard to imagine what life is going to be like going forward. As I find myself healing in some ways, I find myself quite unhappy with the new status quo and how I feel about it. I hope this heals as well.

I'm not sure which thread you are talking about, though -- you have quite a few threads.

 

Sputnik: Yeah, the crying thing is definitely very disheartening. That, and I also still get that very physically painful feeling in my chest/heart from the breakup pretty frequently. I'm not sure how I feel about her honesty -- it's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" thing. More so, I wish her honesty and openness applied more to the things that actually mattered, like the cause of the breakup and/or relationship strain, her explanation for her decisions, and what she even wanted from me. I wish she'd had a serious conversation with me about the breakup, especially when breaking up, rather than a couple minute phone call. I just can't rationally determine why the breakup even occurred or what's going to happen moving forward. Talking to her was like being ghosted despite heavy contact (all the contact was meaningless. She gave me almost no information to work with). My being so dumbfounded over the whole situation has been quite a hindrance on progress/healing as I've always preferred knowing as much as possible.

I also appreciate the comment that I'd make someone else a good partner. I don't know if I want to date someone else or not, and I don't trust my emotions, so I'll stay mostly closed off to others for probably quite a while longer (probably 1-2 years), but it's elating to think to myself that I did the best I could and it wasn't all my fault (thankfully I don't think that too often anymore). It's been tough thinking "the next relationship will be better because X" as I've felt more like I'm mourning the death of a family member than the loss of some position someone else has in my life. It's kind of like.. you wouldn't mourn a brother who died by saying, "The next brother will be better."

[RayRay63]

11, I was out last night... actually it was a very long lunch... and my buddy's partner arrived after work. I had talked to her after the break up to get a lady's POV, but that was about 7 weeks ago. Anyway she wanted to ask me about how things had progressed - 3 weeks LC, 4 weeks NC. Well the tears came mate. It happens. There is nothing wrong with it. And you know what - she and ex were FB friends - she unfollowed her "because I don't want to know what she is doing - I did this to support you".

 

F***ing top woman, even if she did suggest I was drinking to much :unconscious:

 

Don't put a time on it. You'll know it when you're no longer thinking of her.

[sputnik123]

Hey 11,

 

Ray has hit the nail on the head.. we don't need to put a time-frame on the healing itself.. it will happen naturally..

 

I was left in the dark by my ex for the first 6 weeks.. "it's just not working etc", I got via text after 3 years together. Then I was reliably informed that she had been seeing someone else the whole time anyway...

 

Looking back, I was in shock about it all, most of the time. It also came at a time n my life where so much else was changing too.

 

We don't always get the answers or response we think we deserve. We need to come to our own conclusions and hence, closure.

 

Knowing that you did the best you could do is a wonderful starting point and you can have no regrets.

 

Make it your "purpose" to be the best you can be, move forward the whole time, keep strict NC and everything else will sort itself out, in time.

 

You will find happiness again soon, no doubt.

[11moreweeks]

Thank you both. Yes, I expect I will find happiness again. It's just a very new experience to me -- It's been so long and I was so young before that I don't really know what it's like to be single / not be in a committed relationship with my ex. I expect my own recovery to take a couple years, so no real rush -- I'm just anxious over what it feels like to be single.

 

Yeah, constructing my own narratives has been all I could do. I tried to have complete forthrightness and sincerity with my ex when we were still in contact, but she didn't reciprocate. I definitely did the best I could do, and did nothing wrong, and her decisions after the breakup are a consequence of her traits rather than my actions.

 

I really like putting purpose in quotation marks. Even if it's not totally sincere at all times, if I make it my purpose (and tell myself that) to be the best I can be, just for the sake of being the best I can be, then things will get better for me. I needed to be reminded of this.