Sex, emptiness and depression. Trying to find myself...

[Solomun]

I feel like I have never really found myself and I feel empty.

 

Last year I went through a breakup that got the best of me. (See my first thread for more details). For months I was in pain and not able to sleep, eat, or even let go of my ex. I lost my job (ended up replacing it with a better one), and started drinking, smoking weed, and using cocaine more often (managed to reduce all three back to a more "healthy"/recreational level at this point). I also went party more, spent a lot of money, and went on some vacations to distract myself from the pain.

 

The breakup triggered something in me and I felt completely lost and helpless. I kept texting her and it only made my situation worse as she only ignored me, never showing me any signs of care while I kept pushing her away. I struggled with anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and started seeing a therapist for help. I am not completely over her, I still panic occasionally, but it has now been 2 months of complete NC and I have started to accept the fact that my future will be without her.

 

Since then, I went online dating and I had many sexual relationships. I had around 30 on and off, fwb type relationships and hookups in the past 7 months. I even had to create a calendar to keep track of my dates. Last Saturday I had three hookups in one day. Before this breakup, I only had serious relationships so this is all fairly new to me. And as much as I enjoy it, I am often left feeling lost and empty.

 

It feels like an addiction to other people, sex, and relationships. Like I am using the admiration and physical intimacy I am getting from these women to fill a void and to determine my own value. I also feel that I often depend on others emotionally and I don't like being alone with my thoughts. When I am alone, I always have several things running in the background to distract myself, or I am texting with some random girl about meaningless, repetitive things that I already talked to 100 other girls about before.

 

I think that I lost a big part of myself after the breakup. I have a hard time believing that I cried for someone for so long who may or may not have been with me to take advantage of me. I can also only blame myself for letting someone move into my home who is not good for me after knowing them for only weeks before. The fact that I let her into my life after barely knowing her shows how needy I was to get people's attention and care.

 

If I think back at the way I acted after she walked out of my life, it may be the case that I have never found myself in the first place. I mean, what kind of a fragile world I had created for myself? One that would so easily fall apart when someone who never treated me with respect, love and care, who could just throw what we had away, who seems to have stayed with me only to take advantage of me, walks out of it.

 

Even if I wasn't coping well at all, I still managed to do some positive things with my time and I am overall in a much better place than I was before the relationship. I started learning a new language and got a much better job. I work out frequently and talk to my friends and family more often as well as a therapist. I try to be more open with everyone around me, helped others who are in need, and volunteered once a week at a homeless shelter.

 

Last night I went on another date. I didn't even care anymore. I didn't shave or shower. Didn't dress up or wore perfume. I didn't make jokes or try to engage the woman I was with. I didn't care about her looks, her life, her feelings. She still ended up sleeping over and we had sex, and to me it didn't feel good at all. I didn't even orgasm despite the fact that I am sure she was a wonderful person as she did look very attractive. I just couldn't appreciate it. When she left this morning I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I was drained. I was completely empty.

 

I can enjoy all the new things I was able to achieve, but none of them make me feel like I am really happy. Other people wonder: "you have so many things, you achieved so much, you are young, good looking, healthy, have money, you are so much better off than the vast majority of people in this world. You should be happy,...!" But the truth is: I never was completely happy, I never had a feeling of complete satisfaction and content.

 

How do I get there? I have tried so much already. Where do I go from here? What can I do to discover who I really am? Does my life have a deeper meaning or purpose? How can I find myself? Who am I? I feel like I am stuck, I feel like I am empty, and I feel like I never had a true sense of direction in my life.

[Jibralta]

Do you have any friends?

[Vexna]

Sounds to me like you have a fear of abandonment. You're just scared of being left alone. usually stems from low self esteem, how is it in that department?

 

Doesn't really sound like all of these hookups are due to seeking confirmation but to not have to be alone. Working of the selfesteem is hard though and I wouldn't know how to raise it. Have tried many things but only one worked for me and that was to fake it 'til you make it.

 

One thing's for sure though. You can't keep this up. You'll get diseases, get someone pregnant who might try to trap you bc of your money or good looks or you'll met some psycho chick that'll stalk you forever. Travelling could be useful but it's still running.

 

What you're doing is dangerous, my friend.

[DanZee]

It does sound like a sexual addition. People who have it say exactly the same things that you say. The more sex you have, the more empty you feel. You might want to Google "sexual addiction" and see if that's what you're feeling. You can contact various groups, clinics and hotlines to seek help. Ironically, you may be hooking up with women who feel the same way you do. But do seek out help because you need someone in your life who cares about you and who you care about.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this . It does sound like you are frantically trying to avoid life and pain. Also 'cutting back' is not going to help you get clear. The coke and weed are going to cause highs and lows and numbness and the disinhibition and bipolar-like symptoms and activities you are describing. Hopefully you are still talking to the therapist. Have you gotten a good physical lately?

I have been to therapy for 6 weeks now and talked to my friends and family about this many times. Yet I still cry sometimes or get pretty upset and depressed.

[wgmitch]

"If I think back at the way I acted after she walked out of my life, it may be the case that I have never found myself in the first place. I mean, what kind of a fragile world I had created for myself? One that would so easily fall apart when someone who never treated me with respect, love and care, who could just throw what we had away, who seems to have stayed with me only to take advantage of me, walks out of it."

 

A lot of times it's not the person, but the act of what they did to you that hurts so much. I know this is what hurt me the most in my break up. The other big fact that hurts so much is that you have come to the realization that you were wrong. You were wrong about this person.

 

You were so wrong about this person and that hurts. You thought so hard about the situation while it was good and you made decisions, but they proved to be all wrong. That is what really hurt me, how wrong I was.

 

Forgive yourself. Slow down or stop the dating. Definitely need to stop any substance abuse, that won't help anyone.

 

You are not alone. I have felt the same way for months, even the sex and dating issues. We are here for you.

 

Mitch

[Young mind]

Mate, this echoes to me and believe me more than 75% of the guys breathing this moment.

 

What is going on here is a brutal overcompensation. You have tried to mask the pain in your own way thus you do not feel the positive feedback you would normally feel from working out and having dates and sex, so these activities now become a 1/0, you either expect them to be good or bad, you don't expect anything in between, sometimes we also try to replace the past which unfortunately, isn't gonna happen.

 

I'm very glad you are cutting the drugs and alcohol, and seeing a therapist, but why not try something different in addition, instead of pre-planning the night, talk-sex-go home!, why not chose a few of these girls and go on some dates, I mean a walk in the park, some ice-cream, whatever, just talk! It's amazing but we humans just wanna talk , just talk, talk about how you feel, it will help.

 

The coping mechanisms you applied haven't been so good, speak to your therapist to give you some other alternatives.

 

I tell you man, I was te same a few months after my breakup, and I just needed to SLOW DOWN, and live, just breathe and live , do work and things which give you a positive feedback in your mind