AryaEnya Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Hi there I hope I can explain my problem properly and that someone might help me... I've been in a relationship for 1.5 years and it is the best! But a year ago this "thoughts" started coming up. Actually they started when my boyfriend (let's call him John) said "I love you". The thoughts go like this: "Are you really sure you love him? Aren't you faking it? Is he truely the one? Do you love him the same way he loves you?" The thing is in the beginning they didn't bother me that much but after time they started hurting alot and when thinking those things I get so sad and I'm not happy at all. It shouldn't get them I know it isn't supposed to be this way in a relationship, but the thing is, I love him, I really think that I do! Right now we're on a break because I need to sort through my thoughts. I want to be happy with him, but this thoughts make it nearly impossible. I really don't know what to do. John is perfect (with all his imperfections) and so caring but I can't continue to hurt him the way I have been doing (We've talked multiple times about these thoughts and after talking with him I see that they are so irrational, but afterwards they come back they always have and they are always hitting when I'm vulnerable (during kissing and sex). Yesterday I was sure I have to leave the relationship for both of us, but today I really don't want to because I am so not happy without him! I want to be with him but these thoughts are killing me... Has someone experienced the same thing and may offer some help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cope Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I'm not a doctor, but it does sound like an anxiety disorder, like OCD, you should check up with a therapist. I was diagnosed with it, yet I didn't have those kind of feelings, but I've read other peoples stories and they match yours a lot. Again, I'm no doctor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AryaEnya Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 hi hm I don't think I do, yes I'm more anxious than other but I truely don't think so... It's a struggle I have with myself and it's agonising Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasedonot5 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I think you're getting too caught up in normal relationship doubts, and putting too much value on 100% perfect awe-inspiring magical love, when in reality love takes many forms. You're 1.5 years in, so it makes sense that some of that magical butterfly love might be fading, and the companion, admiring, long-term caring love is taking over. Alternatively, your gut is telling you he isn't the one, yet you're too scared to admit it. Which one do you feel describes your situation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AryaEnya Posted March 5, 2018 Author Share Posted March 5, 2018 I think you're getting too caught up in normal relationship doubts, and putting too much value on 100% perfect awe-inspiring magical love, when in reality love takes many forms. You're 1.5 years in, so it makes sense that some of that magical butterfly love might be fading, and the companion, admiring, long-term caring love is taking over. Alternatively, your gut is telling you he isn't the one, yet you're too scared to admit it. Which one do you feel describes your situation? Both I don't know... I mean he is perfect and I love him so much and still this thoughts come up and at the same time I know that I cannot be without him. Sometimes I think I make all these thought up but at the same time it cannot be true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasedonot5 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 You probably would do just fine without him, in time. What are your biggest concerns about the relationship? For the moment, just play along and assume your thoughts are correct in telling you something is bothering you about the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Have things become stale or mundane? It's best not to coast along with complacency when your inner voice is telling you that you have doubts. It's better to break up and not string anyone along or "take breaks" while you sort yourself out. be honest with yourself and him. Right now we're on a break because I need to sort through my thoughts. I want to be happy with him, but this thoughts make it nearly impossible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Both I don't know... I mean he is perfect and I love him so much and still this thoughts come up and at the same time I know that I cannot be without him. Sometimes I think I make all these thought up but at the same time it cannot be true... Why the emphasis on "perfect?" -what does that have to do with compatibility? Is he perfect for you? A very different question. I'd be careful about thinking of this in terms of "I cannot be without him" - ask yourself if you like him (forget about love) -do you like hanging out with him? Is he fun to be around? Do you have private/inside jokes? Think about specifics not about the abstract "but I love him" or the romanticized "because I cannot live without him." So I went through something similar and while I caution you about getting others' opinions (other than an objective outsider and preferably a professional or even a religious figure if you tend that way) I'll share my perspective. Doubts are normal if they do not cut to the core and are resolvable without much overthinking at all. Fleeting thoughts, noticing an attractive person or hearing from an ex and fleetingly wondering what your life might have been like with that person, feeling annoyed by or needing space from your partner BUT knowing it's temporary -this too shall pass - not doubting the entire relationship. When the Doubts rocked my world/shook me up/intruded constantly I had to realize that it probably wasn't the right person even though I felt strongly about him, felt love, and it was terrible because he was also perfect on paper (and it happened with more than one person). I also got physical effects- stomach trouble, insomnia, panicky feelings. And often. It's not rocket science, it's not black and white - you have to decide where you draw the line. With my husband I did at times feel doubts, feel anxious and nervous because we got back together after being serious bf/gf in the past so I was apprehensive about it not working the second time around. The huge difference was that they were lower-case doubts, fleeting, and I felt secure about our commitment, our foundation, our future. One other thing - you want to feel that sense of security and comfort because -I've never really thought of it that way -you need to give yourself permission to be annoyed/angry/frustrated with your partner without feeling like your whole world is caving in "uh oh, if his constant humming annoys me does that mean I don't love him???" - you need to have your own sense of security -not one that is given to you by his reassurance -it's not his job (sure the reassurance is nice but not as a crutch) -you have to be able to remind yourself "this too shall pass" and if you're really in a crappy mood or PMSing "ok right now I'm not feeling that lovin' feeling but I know it will be ok". If you take a break to get to the root of it it has to be without dating others or trying to date and experiencing life without him for at least a few months. And giving yourself permission to feel what you feel. So I've given the opinion I told you not to listen to - I am not "right" just can relate. And collecting many opinions made it much worse for me - sometimes a temporary bandaid -but as a whole much worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pleasedonot5 Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Why the emphasis on "perfect?" -what does that have to do with compatibility? Is he perfect for you? A very different question. I'd be careful about thinking of this in terms of "I cannot be without him" - ask yourself if you like him (forget about love) -do you like hanging out with him? Is he fun to be around? Do you have private/inside jokes? Think about specifics not about the abstract "but I love him" or the romanticized "because I cannot live without him." So I went through something similar and while I caution you about getting others' opinions (other than an objective outsider and preferably a professional or even a religious figure if you tend that way) I'll share my perspective. Doubts are normal if they do not cut to the core and are resolvable without much overthinking at all. Fleeting thoughts, noticing an attractive person or hearing from an ex and fleetingly wondering what your life might have been like with that person, feeling annoyed by or needing space from your partner BUT knowing it's temporary -this too shall pass - not doubting the entire relationship. When the Doubts rocked my world/shook me up/intruded constantly I had to realize that it probably wasn't the right person even though I felt strongly about him, felt love, and it was terrible because he was also perfect on paper (and it happened with more than one person). I also got physical effects- stomach trouble, insomnia, panicky feelings. And often. It's not rocket science, it's not black and white - you have to decide where you draw the line. With my husband I did at times feel doubts, feel anxious and nervous because we got back together after being serious bf/gf in the past so I was apprehensive about it not working the second time around. The huge difference was that they were lower-case doubts, fleeting, and I felt secure about our commitment, our foundation, our future. One other thing - you want to feel that sense of security and comfort because -I've never really thought of it that way -you need to give yourself permission to be annoyed/angry/frustrated with your partner without feeling like your whole world is caving in "uh oh, if his constant humming annoys me does that mean I don't love him???" - you need to have your own sense of security -not one that is given to you by his reassurance -it's not his job (sure the reassurance is nice but not as a crutch) -you have to be able to remind yourself "this too shall pass" and if you're really in a crappy mood or PMSing "ok right now I'm not feeling that lovin' feeling but I know it will be ok". If you take a break to get to the root of it it has to be without dating others or trying to date and experiencing life without him for at least a few months. And giving yourself permission to feel what you feel. So I've given the opinion I told you not to listen to - I am not "right" just can relate. And collecting many opinions made it much worse for me - sometimes a temporary bandaid -but as a whole much worse.I think this is excellent advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Last Gentleman Posted March 6, 2018 Share Posted March 6, 2018 but afterwards they come back they always have and they are always hitting when I'm vulnerable (during kissing and sex). Yesterday I was sure I have to leave the relationship for both of us, but today I really don't want to because I am so not happy without him! I want to be with him but these thoughts are killing me... Has someone experienced the same thing and may offer some help? This ! I'm sorry but you don't love the guy, I tried once having a FWB kind of relationship with a fantastic woman on paper, that did understand things and think exactly like me, but after getting intimate for weeks I felt like running away after sex or kissing. This is really good indication that you are physically rejecting the person and rationalizing the whole thing too much not to face solitude, but you should break up with him be honest the guy seems great so respect him too ! This also tells me you aren't happy by yourself, too many people get into relationships with the idea it will "complete" them, this is all wrong, if you can't be happy by yourself you can't be happy with anyone, it's no one's job to make you happy but yourself, so it will not be easy but you have to improve yourself, nothing is ever perfect be gentle with yourself as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCSK Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Could I just ask, have you been in a relationship before where the guy has been lovely and all was well and then over time you fell out of love with him but didn't really know why? This could lead to you questioning yourself now and almost second guessing that your feelings will undoubtedly lead this way again eventually. Also, if you were with someone in the past that you were physical with but had lost feelings for, that intimate experience and how you felt at that time could be manifesting itself into how you feel when you are intimate with this guy. The other option is you are just not in love with him. My late partner, whom I loved very much, died of cancer. A year later I dated a lovely guy who I almost trained myself to fall in love with (more like convinced myself) as on paper, everything was 'perfect' but I was never really in love with him and over time intimacy became a real issue to the point as I was having to be drunk and feeling a sense of relief when it was my time of the month. But we were good friends and had fun etc. But that's no way to live and more importantly no way to treat a nice person. I ended it and at the time he was upset but we are now friends and he is married, really happy and with a baby and I am also in a committed relationship with someone I never question my love for, three years down the line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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