To send or not to send. That is the question

[Ryoko17]

So my boyfriend broke up with me the other day and it was completely unexpected. We had only been dating a few months but the relationship seemed natural and fluid. And I honestly felt like he was my prince charming (as corny as that sounds). He was the perfect gentleman, super supportive, went out of his way to be there for me if I needed anything. Since the beginning of our relationship he was plagued by a family situation that would push him into bouts of extreme depression. During these times he would recluse himself for days at a time. Of course I would get concerned and check on him after work, so I know he wasn't out hoe-ing around. This happened a couple of times and he started to share witb me his troubles. And then last week he disappears again. This time it happened in the middle of a conversation, saying he was out with his room mate. And then *poof* he disappears for nearly three days. When I finally did contact him and he apologized profusely and promised he would be over after work. When he gets here he tells me his behavior isn't fair and that he feels we should break up. We talk for about an hour before he leaves. Throughout our encounter the things he discussed seemed to contradict each other. His voice would crack, he would apologize repeatedly, I could clearly see that he was holding back tears and as he left his demeanor was that of a defeated man. He said he hated himself for doing this and in my shock and confusion I let him walk out the door. I stayed up all night worried sick about him, and loathing myself for not at least acknowledging his pain. I have a tendency to write through my emotions during stressful times. It helps me compartmentalize my thoughts so I can see the big picture. In this case I wrote him a letter. When it was complete I reread it before putting it away and began to think that maybe he should get the opportunity to actually read it. I will admit that I would love to open a line of communication with him as I am still extremely concerned. And I can't lie that I 1would welcome him back with open arms if the opportunity arises again. And since I didn't act when I had the chance, I fear I left him with a cold impression. But the thought stood out mostly for me because I spoke about his troubles. He hadn't yet completely filled me in during our talks about it, so I never advised him. I didn't want to pressure him into talking about it and I didn't want to form a conclusion with out knowing the extent of the issue. I feel compelled to tell him my opinion. I think he is afraid to face it and that he needs the extra push to face it. And I think maybe the letter could be that push. But I'm just not certain if the message would be received or if it would just come off as stalkerish. I feel in my heart that he could rethink his decision and come back after he takes some time passes, though I also accept that he may never be seen again. We never fought so how can I anticipate his reaction to me reaching out. I'm torn between the fear of doing too much and the fear of doing too little.

[Lambert]

don't send it. give him space and take some space for yourself.

 

he doesn't think youre cold. when someone comes to break up, let them. there's nothing you can do in that moment. no reaction is the best reaction bc you cannot convince someone in the long term.

 

do not send it. again, i say: do. not. send. it.

 

in time read the letter again and you'll be glad you didn't send it. i promise you that. let him go and you can see what happens in time.

 

((((((hugs)))))))

[Wiseman2]

Sorry things didn't work out. After dating a few months incompatibilities arise and it appears you wanted more out of this than he did and he wanted more freedom. It seems he's been thinking of ending it for a while and although he likes you wasn't happy and tried to fade and when that didn't work, worked up the courage to end it.

 

Do not send it. It puts you in limbo. Did he get it?, did he read it?, what did he think?, will he reply?, when?, etc etc etc. Don't do this to yourself. After dating a few months it's not your job to fix him and certainly not to "push anyone to face anything". Go strict no contact and accept it's over. In the future, slow down and don't over-invest this much. Never try to fix people.

*poof* he disappears for nearly three days. When I finally did contact him and he apologized profusely and promised he would be over after work. When he gets here he tells me his behavior isn't fair and that he feels we should break up. I wrote him a letter. I feel compelled to tell him my opinion. I think he is afraid to face it and that he needs the extra push to face it.

[sputnik123]

Hi Ryoko,

 

Sorry to hear this.

 

Please do not send the letter. It will not help the situation. Lambert is spot on, you will thank yourself later for not doing so.

 

Sending you strength.

[MissCanuck]

Sorry things didn't work out. After dating a few months incompatibilities arise and it appears you wanted more out of this than he did and he wanted more freedom. It seems he's been thinking of ending it for a while and although he likes you wasn't happy and tried to fade and when that didn't work, worked up the courage to end it.

 

Do not send it. It puts you in limbo. Did he get it?, did he read it?, what did he think?, will he reply?, when?, etc etc etc. Don't do this to yourself. After dating a few months it's not your job to fix him and certainly not to "push anyone to face anything". Go strict no contact and accept it's over. In the future, slow down and don't over-invest this much. Never try to fix people.

 

Exactly this.

 

It's not your place to decide what his problems are or how he should fix them, OP. He knows his own heart and mind better than you do. He doesn't need and isn't looking for a push from you, so you would be very wise to not send this letter.

 

It doesn't sound as though he contradicted himself either, to be honest. I think he feels very guilty for hurting you and not being able/willing to give you what you deserve, but that's not the same as wanting to stay together. His behaviour actually appears quite consistent with his words.

 

I know it's hard to accept, but this guy was right: he's not in a position to be dating you. A letter from you isn't going to change that.

[abitbroken]

You onlly dated a few months. You were getting to know eachother. If you guys weren't a match, that's okay. Personally, i would accept the breakup and move on.