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5 year relationship over. Advice please


Jelyse11

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So my boyfriend of 5 years ended it 5 weeks ago. We have had a bit of a roller coaster relationship but loved each other so much. He did a lot for me and vise versa. We have always stuck together through very hard times which is why I’m so shocked he has given up on me and us. He always said I was his for life, that we would get married and even got my name tattooed on his wrist last October.

 

Well in November we started having problems. We were fighting more and he said I had become negative that he felt taken advantage of and that he didn’t like being around me. He expressed all this to me end of November and I panicked and got really clingy with him. Even with thise issues he said he still loved me and we can work on it.

I have to agree with what he said as I had changed in that time. I had a new job that was stressing me out, money issues plus insecure about putting on weight which I can see I took all out on him.

Come around to January and we hadn’t worked out our problems and my anxiety was through the roof. I know now that it was because he was pulling away and I was clinging for dear life. I should of been working on my issues instead of focusing on him. Anyways we had our last fight as I said he was making me feel crap and it escalated from there and lead to the break up.

 

He said he wasn’t staying at our home anymore and needed to get away for a couple of days. I begged and did all the wrong things and this pushed him further. He went and stayed somewhere else for a couple nights and when he came back I asked him what he wanted to do. He was so angry still from our fight and said he doesn’t want the relationship. I asked if he loved me and he said he dosent know. My blood went as cold as the look on his face. I was hysterical but he stood his ground and slept on the lounge that night.

 

Well he has been on the lounge since except when he takes off to his friends some nights to get space. For the first two weeks I was a crazy person. I kept trying to change his mind and was in denial. We had sex those first two weeks but no affection from him and he was still cold. Well after being a complete wreck for those two weeks I realised I wasn’t getting anywhere acting the way I was and stopped wth all the craziness. I still cry everyday and I have to see him everyday as we are still living together. He says he is moving out in a couple weeks which I feel relief over but also devastated about as well.

 

We have talked about the relationship a lot over the past 5 weeks being broken up and I can definitely see why he ended it. I have told him I want to change and I know he still loves me but that he is just over it and he said that is probably true. Anyways the past week the tension between us has gone. He rang me Monday morning while he was at work to talk about stuff from the weekend. He still cooks my dinner and lunch. We lay on the lounge and watch movies (no affection though) plus he still does other little gestures that are caring. I told him I downloaded a dating app as he has been telling me to move on and he reacted by saying “well you just gave me a green light to sleep with other girls”. I could definitely see he was jealous. I told him I would delete it as I’m not interested in anything but just needed a distraction. I know he has been thinking about it because he asked later if I did end up deleting it. He said he dose care if I’m with other guys but since he broke up with me he has no right to care. Which is true I guess.

 

I guess what I need advice on is how we can make this work and how I can get him back? I have a lot of time to reflect on myself since the split and can see my short comings. I have been seeing a psychologist for a month now as I believe a lot of my problems come from my anxiety disorder. I’m medicated for it but I knew it was time to see one. I have lost a lot of weight due to the break up so there goes my insecurities about that. And I can see that by being clingy it kills the relationship. I can see I need to be happy by myself and not rely on someone else for my happiness. I do know I will be ok without him but i truly know we love each other. I don’t want to force him into anything or make him feel the way i did in the past again. I love him unconditionally. He knows I want to change but said I should of done that a few months ago.

 

Do you think once he moves the space between us will help things cool off more and give us time to work on ourself to come back stronger? I have said to him that maybe it is good we split for now so we can work on ourself but maybe in the future me and him will be together again and he said who knows and anything can happen. This sounds cliche to me but is better then when we first broke up and he said there was no chance.

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Are you guys in your twenties? If so, then it's understandable that a "breaking point" has been reached, but it's not necessarily because you're not compatible, it could very well be because of his young age and the peer pressure to live it up. If not, then there could be deeper issues at hand.

 

However! Both cases should be dealt with the same way: NC! Time apart will make the both of you realize where it went wrong, why it wrong, and what you truly want from life...whether it be love or freedom. But it needs to be serious NC. You can't be wishy washy with it or else you might as well remain clingy. There's no telling what'll happen with HIM with NC, but it's a guarantee that your wounds will heal over time.

 

To add a little brightness to the mix, it's evident that he still finds you admirable, he just doesn't want to commit anymore. Also, you've been together a number of years so it's clear that there is a connection there. You have a lot going for you in terms of possible reconciliation, but do NOT expect it to happen, because it might not, for whatever reason.

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Thank you for some insight. I am 27 and he is 28. I think we are past the stage of living it up and wanted to settle down with each other. But yep your right, once he moves I’m going to have to go NC as there needs to be time for us both to properly heal. I know I can be ok without him, which feels so good to finally feel as he did become my whole life. I’ll just miss him so much. I already do and I have to see him everyday.

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Thank you. I have so many mood swings all day. Sometimes ok and others I just cry. IÂ’m so scared we wonÂ’t work it out and all the bad times and fights and things he said keep playing over in my mind. He loved me so much, I know this but then I canÂ’t understand why he would risk losing me for good. Like I do understand but itÂ’s a mystery to me how you can give up on someone you had such a connection with. It hurts so much, I want to be strong but itÂ’s crushing me.

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It's not about giving up on or risking losing someone. It's about acknowledging you don't feel the same way anymore and doing the right thing by setting them free. That's where his mind is at now.

 

The important thing is that you interact as little as possible now until he moves out. Don't watch TV together. Don't let him prepare your meals for you. You need to be doing these things yourself now, and if he questions it, you can explain that him doing these things is giving you false hope.

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Thank you. I have so many mood swings all day. Sometimes ok and others I just cry. IÂ’m so scared we wonÂ’t work it out and all the bad times and fights and things he said keep playing over in my mind. He loved me so much, I know this but then I canÂ’t understand why he would risk losing me for good. Like I do understand but itÂ’s a mystery to me how you can give up on someone you had such a connection with. It hurts so much, I want to be strong but itÂ’s crushing me.

 

Oooooooh boy. Do I relate with this. You are definitely gonna go through waves of emotions, but it's completely natural. The more you allow yourself to vent your feelings of anger, betrayal or misery instead of suppressing them, the quicker you'll be able to let go. Sometimes letting yourself cry or scream makes you realize that moving on is your best option because, heck, why would you want to retain those feelings if they make you feel so bad? Why would you waste time on someone who thought you were so loving and caring that they could take advantage of your virtue? Listen, if you know you really loved him, then he'll also know. But by the time he figures it out and wants you to be a big part of his life again it'll be too late because you will have realized that you could replace selfish people like him with self-less people instead

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It’s so horrible hey. I felt ok for a couple of days like I’m not going to be a victim anymore and haven’t shown any emotion around him lately but I ruined it today. It started over talking to him about him moving out and I just lost it. He got angry with me and then I started crying and asking him to hug me. Which he did but it felt empty. He finally stopped being angry when I calmed down but things he said are going through my mind. That he hates staying at home and can’t wait to leave. I know a lot is out of frustration but I feel so angry at myself now for acting that way and like I totally have blown it now.

 

He walked past my room to go to the bathroom while I was crying in bed about it all and he came in a rubbed my cheek and said I will be ok. But I don’t want his pity which is all it was. I want him to have that love back. I know we need this time apart and I said that to him and I’ve asked maybe in the future we will end up together and he said he dosent know. I just wish I could shut up.

 

I feel so broken right now.

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It’s so horrible hey. I felt ok for a couple of days like I’m not going to be a victim anymore and haven’t shown any emotion around him lately but I ruined it today. It started over talking to him about him moving out and I just lost it. He got angry with me and then I started crying and asking him to hug me. Which he did but it felt empty. He finally stopped being angry when I calmed down but things he said are going through my mind. That he hates staying at home and can’t wait to leave. I know a lot is out of frustration but I feel so angry at myself now for acting that way and like I totally have blown it now.

 

He walked past my room to go to the bathroom while I was crying in bed about it all and he came in a rubbed my cheek and said I will be ok. But I don’t want his pity which is all it was. I want him to have that love back. I know we need this time apart and I said that to him and I’ve asked maybe in the future we will end up together and he said he dosent know. I just wish I could shut up.

 

I feel so broken right now.

awwww... pls don't beat yourself up. break ups are hard and it a thousand times harder when you still live together. there's no safe place to go.

 

after reading this whole thread, my advice is to do your darnest to block him out... as others said:

 

don't let him make your food

when he is home go to another room and shut the door

do not engage in any small talk

 

ignore him! ignore his comments. he cant wait to move? you can't wait for him to move, too!

 

show your strength. you broke down. its ok... don't do it again. once he leaves he will have no insight into how you are doing. so show him now that you have decided you want and deserve better! if you get back together in the future so be it, but you're going to be happy.

 

i know its heard and it's a little fake to start but if you do this you will heal faster. don't wallow in the past. start the future now.

 

when he is home go to a book store... get a coffee... go to friend's. don't tell him where you are going. move on for yourself while he is there. don't drink as this will lower your resolve and add to your anxiety.

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Thank you. It helps so much talking to people with an outside perspective. I feel like I’m doing my friends and family’s heads in the past weeks going on about this.

 

I’ve got a festival on Saturday which he is going to and we are getting the same bus there with friends. This is going to be hard but also a chance for me to prove I can be normal. I just have to keep my game face on. I have his sister going who I am very close with so she will keep me in line as well. I just want to take back some power in this whole situation. He hasn’t had to miss me or anything like that as we live together and he knows he can have me back in a heart beat. I would do anything to be with him again but I want to keep some self respect as well. I don’t want him to only remember the bad stuff.

 

But my god this hurts, I can’t eat my stomach is in knots. I keep thinking what if he meets someone else and it makes me feel physically ill.

 

I’ve known him since we were 14 he has always been in my life and as we have mutual friends I will still see him. I just want to make this right.

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I never felt lonely in the relationship. He was loving right until the end up until that last fight. Even with all the problems I could see it was bothering him and the guilt of not fixing it before it was too late consumes me. I hate myself for pushing him to that point. Sometimes I hate him for not trying to fix this together but I guess everyone has their limit. I keep looking at our pictures and messages he sent me and can’t believe this is where we have ended up. I truly truly thought we would always be together, by choice at least. How do I break down his walls so he lets me back in. But I know I need to change myself for him to see before he ever forgives me. Words mean nothing to him at this point.

 

It’s so hard to be my best right now while going through this.

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I don't have experience with being in a relationship that includes mutual friends, but I do know the experience of feeling betrayal. From going to one end of the spectrum to the other. It's very surreal, but it can be so rewarding once the pain is gone. After time has passed you'll learn where you went wrong and he will too. Sometimes breaking up is necessary for those of us who need a reality check. You might even discover you don't need a partner in your life to be happy.

 

I know you are still attached to him, but realize that he is no longer a source of joy, he is now a source of misery and you need to back away from it. I don't suggest you go to that festival with him. You should go out and do your own thing. Show him that you won't settle for less, because as you said, words mean nothing anymore, and I'll tell you why: there's nothing you can say or do right now to erase the past and the bad moments you two shared. It's all too fresh, and as long as he sees that you haven't really changed, as long as he continues to SEE you, he's going to be reminded of the flaws. That's why you need to disappear. Fix those flaws, but do it for yourself, not for him. He's got his own flaws to fix as well.

 

I promise you, if you truly loved him, then, yes, it'll be more difficult to detach, but you'll grow so much more and be such a better person after it all, you'll be the bigger person :)

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Thank you. Yeah we definitely needed a reality check. Like I’m at the point where I wouldn’t want to go back to how our relationship was the last couple of months we were together. Now I reflect on it and can see it was bad. This was probably the only way to break out of that bad tine. I do want to work on it with him though, wether we need to be apart for a few months or whatever. Even with having to see him everyday my mind has gotten clearer with what the issues were. Which was impossible when we were together.

It’s juat so hard. I can’t think about anything else and feel sick all the time.

 

I really do want to go to this festival though plus I have bought my ticket. Even if he wasn’t going it’s something I really enjoy every year. I just have to keep a cool head.

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If possible try not to interact with him then, just to make it easier on yourself. Ignore him as if he were simply an innocent stranger, this'll get his attention in one way or another and also help you accept the new reality.

 

I can tell you really wanna work things out with this guy. I resonate with you. I was with my ex for 4 years and conformed myself so much for him. It was a slap in the face to watch it all end, but I at least learned to accept the collapse with dignity, knowing that I was loyal, caring, and genuinely in love. He still cares about me and wanted to remain relevant in my life, but I reached a point where I had to block him, because there was no way I was gonna downgrade my status with him. I didn't work so hard for him to just end up a friend. If he's leaving me, then he's leaving someone who loved him to the moon and back.

 

I hope your weekend goes well. enotalone is always here to offer support no matter what happens!

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Yeah that must of been hard. I wish I could block him but I know even when he moves out I won’t. I really want it to work out between us. My gut feeling tells me this isn’t the end but then there are so many things that make me think I’m crazy to think we will be together again.

 

I want to be like that as well. Have my self respect and dignity even if I’m still in love with him. I hope he realises that our problems can be worked out. I don’t want to be his friend either, not after what we had.

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So the festival went good. We hung around each other the whole time, it was a more of him wanting to be around me and talking to me than me chasing him. We also had conversation where I told him he is the love of my life and he said “you are probably mine as well deep down”. There is obviously a lot of resentment still on his part but under that the love is there. But even though I kept my cool all day we are still the same, broken up. And he is meant to be moving next weekend. I can’t handle the pain of him leaving our home. I love him so deeply, I’m such a wreck over this. I’m now alone and just crying. It feels like I’m in physical pain.

 

Where do I go from here? How will I cope with not seeing his face everyday or hearing his voice. I’m breaking up inside constantly at the thought. This isn’t how we end, I know it isn’t.

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Glad it went well, even though it didn't change anything. When he leaves, you need to keep your mind occupied with interests and goals and then you need to pursue them. Unlike wasting your time with him, you can expect change by doing the opposite.

 

You're in a good place. You can leaving knowing that he still admires you and you admire him. Like I said earlier, sometimes breakups are reality checks. The time away from him will help you work on yourself, and working on yourself is something you must do if you want a chance to reconcile. Of course, reconciliation might not happen, but you never know. Just do what's best for you.

 

So don't contact him, don't respond to him, don't snoop on him, don't wait on him. Those things will not promote change and growth.

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Yep I am trying very hard to see this as a lesson and to make myself a better person in the long run. I seriously need to start training again as over these past weeks I havenÂ’t been eating so I havenÂ’t been able to go to the gym. I might write out a healthy eating and training plan for myself as I am feeling physically weak.

 

I am so scared when he moves his stuff but also there is some feeling of relief as it wasnÂ’t changing anything by seeing him everyday and was probably making it worse. Plus if we do ever have a future together then we need this space.

I really want to go at least an hour and not be thinking of him. He is constantly on my mind and I want to go one day without crying over this as well.

 

I know he cares for me and does love me but there hasnÂ’t been enough time for change on either end. Mainly me in his eyes.

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