YIKES!

[lelou]

this is my first time to write here (in break ups, and not getting back together). and here it is 3am. i went out with my friends, who all have boyfriends. my boyfriend used to be the sweet guy. now he is my ex and he has by far been a jerk. after twelve years of knowing someone, and eight of those going out, how do you move past someone literally changing. he went from my world (and treating me so good) to the typical jerk. i could have never seen this. and here i am left in shock while he talks to another female. i am so sad. so how do you get over it? how do you get over being the center of someone's world for so long, to be nothing? i have always been confident and happy with myself. i could not see this coming. this is the first time in my life i feel small and helpless. my ex has the nerve to tell me he has hope for the future and loves me, but is talking to another girl. why do i even care. ok too much .

[Belinda]

It's a weird feeling isn't it? I kinda get jealous of my ex talking/seeing/sleeping with other girls... yet I wouldnt want to touch him with a ten foot pole.

I guess old habits die hard.

 

It'll get easier as time goes on, the healing process takes different times for everyone... but Im sure that eventually you will see the colour come back into your world. And gradually you will forget the pain, and re-experience the true happiness of being single again.

[smallworld]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. From an outsider's viewpoint, I'd say, the "jerk" is who he really is, while Prince Charming is who he appears to be when he gets what he wants.

 

You care because you sincerely cared (past tense!!) for this person and can't believe that someone you loved can be so selfish and manipulative. There's nothing wrong with that. But just like it takes time to fall in love with someone, it takes time to fall out of love and give up our fantasies of living happily ever after with this person.

 

The way I got over it was to cut off all contact and start writing down every cruel thing my Ex ever did to me (whether intentional or not.) Every time I started to think nice things about him, I'd reread the list and add a few things. And pretty soon, anytime the slightest romantic memory popped into my head, my brain would automatically rattle off the list. After a few weeks of that, I really convinced myself that whatever he had to offer me wasn't worth it and started to think about him less and less. It took 3 months for me to get to the point where I thought about him once a week or even less, but believe me I was estatic when I finally reached that point. Good luck and hope you get there too!

[cremebrulee]

smallworld is spot on. writing is a great outlet.

 

It is really tough to let go of all the dreams you created with that person in mind. I just spent 4 years with a guy i've known for 8 years, we were shopping for engagement rings and out of the blue he sends me a text message to say he's leaving me and refused to say why, then in the space of a week changed his number, moved house, changed his job and has not considered anyones feelings other than his own. Just like yours he was mr sweetheart all the way through up to the last day we were together, no indication that there was any problems at all.

 

It is very confusing i know. Especially when you know that they are a jerk but still get cut when you see them with another girl. It definitely takes time to fall out of love with someone but there will come a time when you couldn't care less what he is doing or who he is dating. It is a slow process but smallworlds idea is great, write it all down. when you're feeling sad about it all just think of all the cruel things that were said or done. In time you will look back and realise that he didn't deserve you and you can and will have a better future.

[DN]

I find it hard to believe that someone literally goes from being Mr Wonderful to Mr Jerk just like that - seems counter-intuitive. I think it's a combination of several things:

 

You were overlooking any faults while you were with him and now the faults seem worse than they really are.

 

Anything he does, especially seeing other people, is going to be seen by you in a bad light. Your emotions are raw and very sensitive. He thinks he is just moving on and finding a new relationship - you see it as flaunting 'some girl' in your face to make you feel bad.

 

You are not yet over him and it hurts to realise he is over you - that makes him seem heartless, whereas he was probably withdrawing emotionally from the relationship some time before the actual break-up.

 

He is over-reacting. He wants to make sure you know it's over and so he treats you badly. This can especially happen if you are trying to get him back, or keep trying to contact him about anything. The other side of that coin is that he didn't want to hurt you and 'wants to be friends'.

 

I would like to make this point as well: It is really important when recovering from a break-up not to put all the blame on the other person, at least until you have done some honest soul-searching. You feel betrayed, hurt used, etc. "How could he do this to me after all the good times we had, all I did for him, etc."

 

But if you do not do some self analysis to see if there was anything you did in the relationship that damaged it, it will not help you in any future relationship; you could easily make the same mistakes again and find another relationship going pear-shaped.

 

Also realise that the relationship was not working for him - maybe it was not anybody's fault as such - it just didn't work. This is not to excuse cheating or treating people badly.