I can’t get over my ex and we are loosely back in touch as friends and it’s hurting me

[Anon333]

I dated my ex for about 2 and a half years. I’m 38 and have never had much luck in falling in love or long term relationships. He is the first and only person I feel I fell completely in love with and miss him all the time. He was both the best boyfriend when things were good but ultimately he was awful to me and broke my heart over and over again throughout the last year and a half. The last time we were todether was last April. He begged me he wanted it to work and even said he wanted to Mary me. Told me how much he loved me every day, even went to therapy.

 

We had a trip planned to meet out in Europe while we were in separate trips with friends. I questioned his relationship with one of the woman he was with and he pretty much broke up with me and didn’t want to see me or talk to me. It was one of the most painful things I’ve had to go through. He treated me like I didn’t exist and told everyone I was crazy.....

 

He tried to apologize but when I didn’t forgive him right away he didn’t try much more. Eventually I pathetically tried to be back with him but by then he found someone else within a month and threw it in my face. I believe he is a narcissist.

 

My problem is that I connected with him and had the best times of my life with him and no matter how many people I try to date no one compares. We shared moments I don’t think I’ll ever have as special with anyone else. He could be the sweetest most loving and fun person and I have always felt connected with him. We didn’t speak for almost 6 months and I still cried about him all the time.

 

Recently we are loosely back in touch. He says he is so happy to be friends again. But basically he texts me every few days and says “hope you are well”. Asks how I am doing sometimes. I try to play it all off like I’m great and this loose friendship is fine but really I still love and miss him and this loose friendship hurts me. But I can’t cut contact. I just can’t tell someone I love To go away and I know my advice will be to do so but I can’t.

 

Part of me wants to tell him I still have feelings for him and that friendship isn’t working but I don’t want to give him the ego stroke I feel he is searching for and also don’t want to lose that little bit he has in my life. I know he wasn’t changed and would probably hurt me again so I shouldn’t even think of being back with him. But it hurts how casual he is with me when just last year he cried for me to be with him and he wanted to Mary me. I think he is just stringing me along for back up.

 

I don’t want to say anything heavy to him. Every time I hear from him I want to ignore him but I can’t. I can’t ignore someone I love. I hope so much to find someone else and forget about this guy for good but so far I can hardly even go on a date without comparing my connection with him to someone else. It will have been about 10 months of us being separate. I go to therapy, but I have been depressed for almost 2 years over this relationship. Both while I was in it and now that it is over..

[Mikey383]

Who initiated the first contact after the break up?

You or him?

[Anon333]

Who initiated the first contact after the break up?

You or him?

 

I initiated contact back in October and wished him happy birthday and said I hope we can be friends. He wrote back that we are friends and we should get together some time. But then nothing came if it and I didn’t push it. Then I’m ths went by and he wished me a merry Christmas and I wrote back a week later saying I just got his message and hope he is well, to which we had a late night text back and forth for awhile, sending photos of our cats and saying we should get together some time.... we planned a get together and I tried to make an excuse to get out of it but he talked me out of it. We met for coffee and we connected right away. We didn’t talk about anything serious just friendly and hugged long after and he said we should meet up again. That was a month or two ago. Since then he sends me texts every few days or once a week saying he hopes I’m well, sometimes we will text back and forth. But pretty loose communication..... he wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. I try to keep it very blunt and respond back similar. But it was painful for me to think he was with someone else on Valentine’s Day...it’s like I will be sad if I cut complete contact with him but also this “friendship” feels weird when I have such strong feelings still... yet I know I should never date him again.....sorry that was a lengthy response...

[Mikey383]

I initiated contact back in October and wished him happy birthday and said I hope we can be friends. He wrote back that we are friends and we should get together some time. But then nothing came if it and I didn’t push it. Then I’m ths went by and he wished me a merry Christmas and I wrote back a week later saying I just got his message and hope he is well, to which we had a late night text back and forth for awhile, sending photos of our cats and saying we should get together some time.... we planned a get together and I tried to make an excuse to get out of it but he talked me out of it. We met for coffee and we connected right away. We didn’t talk about anything serious just friendly and hugged long after and he said we should meet up again. That was a month or two ago. Since then he sends me texts every few days or once a week saying he hopes I’m well, sometimes we will text back and forth. But pretty loose communication..... he wished me a happy Valentine’s Day. I try to keep it very blunt and respond back similar. But it was painful for me to think he was with someone else on Valentine’s Day...it’s like I will be sad if I cut complete contact with him but also this “friendship” feels weird when I have such strong feelings still... yet I know I should never date him again.....sorry that was a lengthy response...

 

No worries.

You mentioned that you are certain that he is a Narcissist.

So, I am trying to evaluate.

 

I dated someone that was Narcissistic and Sociopathic... We broke up for the second time over 6 months ago, she jumped immediately to someone new (Narcs will do that) but she hasn't contacted me since, and NO WAY that I will do it again.... However when we broke up the first time, I also initiated contact after 3 months and then she pursued me again (same as he is doing it to you), and she lured me back for 3 more months, just to walk out again and find a new source of supply immediately... Narc's are good like that... It is their pattern... He knows that you still ping for him... he figured it out by now... So, he is with his new source of supply (yes it is just a supply) and he has you hooked on the side... Yes, you are another source that he can keep in his pocket... Narc's are charming, sexy, amazing etc... at the beginning... It is all smoke screen... Both men and women alike... My ex was like that as well... She pursued me like madness until she got me where she wanted me... Then discarded me... You have been discarded also... But you are being kept alive for future use... My ex tried that, but I was smart and called her out on it... I believe she will resurface... Not that I care.... 1. Narc's are great at making people fall in love with them... 2. Contacting them strokes their EGO and allows them to suck you back in, into their sick game... And once you get sucked in, you are vonruable again... I was... I made that mistake the first time we broke up... I contacted her, and she did the same, she began pursuing me again... Go on-line. There are tons of articles on Narc's... and Sociopaths... Read as much as you can so you can be educated... So he does not pull you in again and hurt you again...

[Mikey383]

In most cases Narc's will not contact you... They see themselves as objects of such great demand that they wait until you initiate contact first, and then they will bombard you with messages to pull you back..... It looks genuine, but it is not...

Eventually, after a long time of NC they will contact you...

Best thing to do is NOT TO REPLY... If you do, either way you stroke their EGO....

Remember: It is all about them...

[DanZee]

You know, it amazes me the depth of a woman's love, especially for guys who basically abuse and mistreat them. Apparently a lot of women get addicted to both the highs and the lows of an abusive relationship and a "normal" relationship doesn't compare to it. You have to realize that you were in an abusive relationship and you became emotionally dependent on this guy. It's not real love. It's dependency. It's like an addiction and you have to go through withdrawal. Everyone on ENA recommends people go cold turkey and stop contacting their ex. You won't heal if you keep contacting him.

[SweetGirl28]

If having him back in your life, even though it's now texting, is setting you back and preventing you from being able to be in anyone's company, or find yourself comparing, then you need to ease up on the contact. Try not to initiate it. Reply to him if you don't want to ignore him, but no more meet ups. I don't cut my exes out if we had a fairly nice relationship, but I've no issue with cutting out toxicity, which is what it appears he was to you for quite a while. You need to make a list of what you are gaining vs what you are losing by having contact/no contact. If you're not moving forward, then now isn't the time to try to be all buddy-buddy with him.

[Anon333]

thank you all for the responses. Yes I aw pretty sure he is a narcissist. Everything I read about narcissism fit exactly how our relationship went. It was confusing and unbearable and a lot of heavy words and acts of love and craziness followed by cold ignoring me and blocking me and calling me crazy. There were times when he told me he thought he was crazy and couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away. It was very complex and heavy and i tried so hard to make sense of it all. I obsessed over reading articles on narcissism. It was painful to read and yet helped me make sense of things. I tried so hard to move on. But I still felt crushed with him out of my life even months later....its been ten months and I still think about him constantly and cry for him almost every day. Even when we were not talking for months I found life so hard to get though, I thought that maybe just having him in my life as a friend would make it better. Part of me knew it was weak of me to reach out when he treated me so awful.. Staying his friend right now is like I have accepted the horrible way he treated me. I know all of you are right that I should stay away from him but I don't know if I can. I don't initiate contact, at least not recently. I can't ignore him. I can't cut him out of my life, I already tried and every day for months I could hardly bare it. Im going to therapy. Ive been in love before, I know it can take a long time to get over someone. Its funny when it finally happens you lose attraction to them and could care less if you stay in touch or not. I want so bad for something to snap in my head when I don't have this intense attachment. Thank you for listening and responding everyone.

[Carus]

I tried so hard to move on. But I still felt crushed with him out of my life even months later....its been ten months and I still think about him constantly and cry for him almost every day. Even when we were not talking for months I found life so hard to get though, I thought that maybe just having him in my life as a friend would make it better. Part of me knew it was weak of me to reach out when he treated me so awful.. Staying his friend right now is like I have accepted the horrible way he treated me. I know all of you are right that I should stay away from him but I don't know if I can. I don't initiate contact, at least not recently. I can't ignore him. I can't cut him out of my life, I already tried and every day for months I could hardly bare it.

So sorry you're going through this. It's been the same for me although my situation only went on for about 4 months....and now she's gone.

 

I too am still very traumatized and devastated by the whole thing but perhaps now the real healing can begin.

 

You say you can't cut him out but your post is actually a good reminder why we must... I think the contact keeps us hanging on to Hope for longer than we should. Meanwhile they get to go out and get on with their life as normal.

 

Once they are gone the finality bites hard and I feel like I'm wading through waist deep mud and find it hard to breathe every day, but again your post reminds me that it's probably for the best.

 

I'm glad SweetGirl* has posted here because she has just been through a similar thing over the last 7-8 months.

I want so bad for something to snap in my head when I don't have this intense attachment.

Yep, me too...

 

I do hope you find some strength soon to get out of this horrible limbo.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Carus*

[Anon333]

Thank you again for responding. I know there is not much I can do to stop feeling somdown and depressed. It’s been so long since we dated and yet I woke up crying this morning as though we broke up yesterday. Ultimately my question is how do I work on cutting him out of my life and moving on? I wish I could move on and accept we can be loose friends but it seems to bring back longing and awful feelings. When he isn’t in my life it is worse but I still know I need to do it. I just can’t ignore him with no explanation when he does contact me. That would destroy me inside. Should I just tell him I thought I was ready to be friends but I realize I wasn’t. I know that will give him power and an ego trip but it’s hard to just cut someone you love out of your life. Part of me just wants to keep doing what I’m doing and respond loosely to his texts even though I am still in pain hear No from him. I when we reconnected part of me really hoped for him to tell me he realized what a mistake he made. Instead I feel he is just doing this “hovering” thing that narcissists do. What would be the best thing for me to do without hurting myself too

Much completely but also not stroking his ego?

[Anon333]

I’m sorry if I am taking over this post right now. But would this be sufficient to write to him? “Hi, hope you are well. Just wanted to let you know I think it’s best we don’t contact each other anymore. I wanted to be friends because I still have feelings for you and it has been difficult with you out of my life, but being loosely in touch like this proves worse for me. I’m still working on moving forward from a different life I had with you and both the good and bad of it all keep me back at times. Maybe it’s because I haven’t met anyone right for me yet. I do wish you the best. You seem happy and I don’t think it should matter too much if I am in your life here and there or not. Of course if I see you around I will say hello but it will be easier for me this way. If our feelings matched more, both while we were dating and now as we try to be friends, all of this would have been so much easier. All the best! “

[Carus]

It’s been so long since we dated and yet I woke up crying this morning as though we broke up yesterday.

Firstly, thanks for posting that^...I hate to admit it's the same for me...but it is, so at least we know we are not alone or completely nutso! :)

Ultimately my question is how do I work on cutting him out of my life and moving on? I wish I could move on and accept we can be loose friends but it seems to bring back longing and awful feelings.

Well what worked for me was: I called her up and took her for lunch. I told her that I really missed her and still had a lot of love for her....Never heard from her again after that...lol

 

But on a more serious note, I would go with what you suggested. That you thought you could be friends with him but now know that (for now) you cannot...

 

If he gets an 'ego trip' over knowing someone is in pain then he's not much of a Man anyway to be honest*

 

This video might also help you ~

Part of me just wants to keep doing what I’m doing and respond loosely to his texts even though I am still in pain hear No from him.

Of course there's that part of you that is struggling to let go...But you will find that once you can start to work on Acceptance, you will eventually start to feel better. If you continue on as you are then who knows how long it will take for you to move past this....

 

Please know that breaking up with someone we love is like withdrawing off some hard drug....and those withdrawals are brutal.! But it can be done....

 

But also, moving on from someone is also giving you the best chance at rekindling something new with that person further down the line should that chance arise.

 

Right now you are stuck in that horrible limbo...I remember it well... :-/

When we reconnected part of me really hoped for him to tell me he realized what a mistake he made.

I know...I did too...Most of us did....But all they are doing is alleviating their own guilt over the breakup. If they can see that you are ok then it makes the breakup ok...Cruel but it's true.

 

But that has passed now and I think you need to start to turn your focus onto yourself and your path forward from today onwards...

 

Keep posting Anon. I'm right there with you and will keep an eye on you ok?

 

 

Carus*

[Anon333]

Carus, thank you for replying to my posts. It helps a lot. Im sorry you have been going through similar situation. I read a few of your posts and see you were married and now still trying to get over the separation. how long has it been? I truly feel stuck, that this grief has turned into full blown depression I struggle with every day. I know a lot of me hanging on to him has to do with me not being satisfied with my life and experiencing some of the best times in my life with him and having this ideal fantasy of us being together and it working out. I guess I wonder if I should even tell him after 10 months have gone by and he is (possibly) with the same person he jumped into a relationship with from the beginning, if I should tell him it is still hard for me to be just friends. I don't know how much power that gives him. It seems to me the only way to cut contact again. I would like to tell him not to contact me unless he ever saw a possibility of things working between us, but at this point it might even seem pathetic to him that I am still lingering in these feelings. It puts me in a weak position but the alternative would be me just ignoring him (almost impossible) and hoping he gets the clue? I guess I hope if I tell him I still have feelings he will tell me what he is feeling....Even if it is blunt and painful.... Also Id like to add, I don't think emotionally I could ever trust him or be with him so I am wishing to be with someone who has hurt me too much to trust again....And part of me would hurt myself all over again knowing he will do the same, just to be with him again... :( Do you think that letter is pathetic?

[SweetGirl28]

You're worried about stroking his ego, and meanwhile you are in so much pain. This isn't right.

From what you've written, you really need to break contact with this guy, and I'm not a big fan of no contact, so coming from me, know I truly see this going to a bad place for you if you continue. Be strong. You had life before him, and do after.

There's someone out there so much better for you, and staying stuck is impeding you. Do not allow this guy yo consume your thoughts any longer. He's okay, you're suffering. You need to get proactive and put a stop to it. I'm sorry to sound harsh but honestly a man who made you feel so crappy isn't worth this.

[Anon333]

Thank you. I know everything you say is correct. The truth hurts but maybe I need to keep hearing it. Its really hard to be strong today. Some days I feel so much stronger than others but part of me is starting to give up hope that Ill ever find love or happiness again like I did with him. I know I need to move on and I still haven't been able to be as angry as I wish I could be. I still miss all the amazing times and things he did for me and way he made me feel and at the same time still traumatized by the way he hurt me. Part of me is looking to heal through him or find some kind of understanding. I know just stopping contacting or replying to him would be what I should do. But I think Im torn on whether i should say anything. Every time I tell myself I need to ignore him I can't resist responding to his texts. They are therapy for me for a short moment and then it is painful. So I am just wondering what would be best to say that would force me to stay away from him and for him to know I don't really want to hear from him.

[SweetGirl28]

Thank you. I know everything you say is correct. The truth hurts but maybe I need to keep hearing it. Its really hard to be strong today. Some days I feel so much stronger than others but part of me is starting to give up hope that Ill ever find love or happiness again like I did with him. I know I need to move on and I still haven't been able to be as angry as I wish I could be. I still miss all the amazing times and things he did for me and way he made me feel and at the same time still traumatized by the way he hurt me. Part of me is looking to heal through him or find some kind of understanding. I know just stopping contacting or replying to him would be what I should do. But I think Im torn on whether i should say anything. Every time I tell myself I need to ignore him I can't resist responding to his texts. They are therapy for me for a short moment and then it is painful. So I am just wondering what would be best to say that would force me to stay away from him and for him to know I don't really want to hear from him.

 

Make a list of the things he did that hurt you, and post it on your mirror. You'll have to look at it every day, and that constant reminder is worth it. You will find better. Giving up hope is giving up on yourself. Don't ever do that.

The other person cannot be your source of happiness, that comes from within. And the person who hurt you so deeply is never the answer for healing the hurt. That comes from within too. Hopefully you will reach the point you get really strong and leave this a memory. The relationships I ended that were toxic I never gave a second though to. when I'm done, I'm done. I hope you find that inner strength too :)

[Anon333]

My problem is that even though I know he really treated me crappy, for every ty thing he did to me that destroyed part of me, there was some magical memory of him going above and beyond what I ever had with anyone else. Of course if the whole relationship was awful and he treated me awful I wouldn’t be missing much but I truly miss the friendship and laughs and connection and beautiful moments we shared that I never experienced with anyone else. I know that is no reason to keep a toxic person in my life and I know he left me and chose someone else and I shouldn’t let him Hoover or try to be my friend or whatever it is he is doing. I want to tell him how I feel and then cut him out of my life but I’m guessing the high road would be to just not respond to his texts anymore asking how I am doing and wishing me a good day. I wish I was okay being his friend without it hurting this much. I wish I could forgive him and not care if he is with someone else.

[SweetGirl28]

My problem is that even though I know he really treated me crappy, for every ty thing he did to me that destroyed part of me, there was some magical memory of him going above and beyond what I ever had with anyone else. Of course if the whole relationship was awful and he treated me awful I wouldn’t be missing much but I truly miss the friendship and laughs and connection and beautiful moments we shared that I never experienced with anyone else. I know that is no reason to keep a toxic person in my life and I know he left me and chose someone else and I shouldn’t let him Hoover or try to be my friend or whatever it is he is doing. I want to tell him how I feel and then cut him out of my life but I’m guessing the high road would be to just not respond to his texts anymore asking how I am doing and wishing me a good day. I wish I was okay being his friend without it hurting this much. I wish I could forgive him and not care if he is with someone else.

 

Until you reach the level of indifference, you can't be in contact. Feeling indifferent means being okay they are with someone else, being okay with occasional contact, being okay if you you text and they don't reply for a few hours or a day. It's complicated, and not everyone can handle it. I'm in the situation now, I'm doing well now but initially it was hard. He was just looking for me again last night, I got back to him today and we talked for hours. Now I know I won't hear from him for a bit again most likely, but it's okay. I never initiate. You have to be strong, and you're not there yet. It hurts you too much. Picking off the scab will prolong your healing. I know it hurts but you have to look out for yourself now. It's easy to recall the good times and happy memories as time passes. But you must remember the hurt too because it will strengthen you to push forward.

[Mikey383]

thank you all for the responses. Yes I aw pretty sure he is a narcissist. Everything I read about narcissism fit exactly how our relationship went. It was confusing and unbearable and a lot of heavy words and acts of love and craziness followed by cold ignoring me and blocking me and calling me crazy. There were times when he told me he thought he was crazy and couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away. It was very complex and heavy and i tried so hard to make sense of it all. I obsessed over reading articles on narcissism. It was painful to read and yet helped me make sense of things. I tried so hard to move on. But I still felt crushed with him out of my life even months later....its been ten months and I still think about him constantly and cry for him almost every day. Even when we were not talking for months I found life so hard to get though, I thought that maybe just having him in my life as a friend would make it better. Part of me knew it was weak of me to reach out when he treated me so awful.. Staying his friend right now is like I have accepted the horrible way he treated me. I know all of you are right that I should stay away from him but I don't know if I can. I don't initiate contact, at least not recently. I can't ignore him. I can't cut him out of my life, I already tried and every day for months I could hardly bare it. Im going to therapy. Ive been in love before, I know it can take a long time to get over someone. Its funny when it finally happens you lose attraction to them and could care less if you stay in touch or not. I want so bad for something to snap in my head when I don't have this intense attachment. Thank you for listening and responding everyone.

 

What you are going through is called the Narcissistic/Sociopathic spell...

 

Example: My ex has been divorced for 11 years or so... Multitude of relationships and men have come and gone in her life like revolving doors... However her ex husband pings for her constantly... Like a little dog pulling at your pant leg... I recall one evening, I saw a text message from him to her... (She actually showed me that message, as if she took pride in it).. He was insulting me, calling me his competition... At first it angered me, but then things did not add up... Why in the world is this man still so hung up on his ex wife????... A mystery... Well, after I began to research things, just to get my own closure, I read about the "SPELL"... I realized that she discarded her ex husband, blamed him for everything, made him look like a bi-polar whack job, destroyed his self worth, but kept on playing with his head (Head F****ry) just to keep sucking off him while she was in search of her better than OK life... A great site that has helped me "Sociopathhell.com/sociopathlife.com"... Great articles on that site on why you are so vacuumed to them and unlike any other relationship that can go sour, ending one with a Narc/Socio is by far harder than any love you have ever been in... These people are a drug... And you need them like a fix...And they know, that they got you sooooooo hooked, that with a flip of a finger, you are at their mercy... The more you get pulled into this unhealthy life, the harder it will be to break away...The longer for you to heal, the longer for you to run into a great person that does not spew venom into your life... Trust me... I am over 6 months of NO CONTACT... And even if she ever initiates any, I won't even reply... The key is to DO NOTHING... DO NOT REPLY... Even as a friend... Cuz even as a friend they have you hooked, and they are masters of that game...Think about it... Do you really want someone that shallow to be your friend????? Do you want to end up like my ex's ex-hubby? She told me one day: "I can snap my finger and he will be at my feet (meaning the ex husband)"... Yes she did, but I was so stuck with my head in the clouds (under that spell), that I never realized what a loving person I was getting involved with... Eventually I caught on to her game... And guess what? I was discarded and replaced quickly... And still I was abused... But this time I took a stance... The drug (as powerful as it may be, wore off)... And FYI: She is not so happy with her new source... That is because Narcs are never happy... You need to cut all contact or this guy will destroy you piece by piece....