Repeatedly failing at no contact

[snoopie]

Hi, I’m really hoping for some kind encouragement so here goes.

 

I was dumped six years ago. 5 years ago I friended him and had the meaningless “how’s life” chat for a few days. Eventually I stopped replying and hit the unfriend button. A year later I did the same but directed the conversation towards our past. I knew I wanted him and it wasn’t going away.

 

The conversation moved on. On the surface it seemed pretty one sided so I bucked up, confessed my attraction and said that I knew he didn’t reciprocate so the healthy option is no contact. I asked him to block me to help me break this cycle I’d put my self in and said goodbye convinced that he’d do it. Blocking him on my end only, just lead to more refriending.

 

He sent a lengthy reply basically said it was a lot to deal and wanted tell me something later when he was free.

 

I called him out and said “later” was false hope for me and that there was nothing for him to “deal” with in blocking me. I said I knew what he’d say later would be he doesnt feel the same and asked him to block me again.

 

He said that wasn’t it, though IT WAS TRUE, he still felt I should hear his advice later.

 

I took that as salt in the wounds and just wanted to skip to the blocked part.

 

He said ‘I don’t think you like the real me, I won’t play games, i won’t get involved in something that will hurt you, I won’t ignore you nor chase you, I’m here if you want to say something, I think you should talk to someone else about this but I want you to hear my advice later before you decide.

 

I said he was dragging this out and asked him again to block me so I’d be forced to suck it up.

 

I blocked him temporarily so I wouldnt get any replies while I was busy. He still hasn’t blocked me. Hes not required to and I can’t make him but jeez a little help, no?

 

Like an addict wanting his dealer to cut him off. He’s available to me, so I take the bait. Is it wrong to ask the bartender not to serve the alcoholic? It’s been 6 years, why is this so hard?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. This isn't about him. It's about not having anything else in your life to fulfill you. Have you tried dating in the last 6 years? Instead of creeping his social media or expecting him to block you,etc. get on some dating apps with a nice profile and some good pics and start talking to men and meeting for coffee. How is your work going? What about friends and social life? Do you belong to any clubs, groups?

[browneyedgirl36]

Sorry to hear this. This isn't about him. It's about not having anything else in your life to fulfill you. Have you tried dating in the last 6 years? Instead of creeping his social media or expecting him to block you,etc. get on some dating apps with a nice profile and some good pics and start talking to men and meeting for coffee. How is your work going? What about friends and social life? Do you belong to any clubs, groups?

 

I agree with the above. I actually applaud him for being honest about not reciprocating your feelings, and I don't think he's doing anything wrong. He may not see the need to block you; why can't he just refrain from contacting you? I understand that you feel that if that avenue is open in any way, you won't be able to resist contacting him, but really, that's not his responsibility. Some people don't feel comfortable "blocking" others on social media, text, etc. (I know I would only do it if someone was harassing/stalking me, if I thought they were dangerous, etc.) Otherwise, I would just ignore them if they contacted me or ask them not to contact me again. In your case, I don't think the guy is "dragging it out" -- I think he cares about your feelings, and frankly, you did dump a lot of feelings and thoughts on him that he's having to process. I think he's doing his best to walk a tightrope between honesty and hurting your feelings.

 

Wiseman is right -- time to shift your focus, occupy your time and thoughts with other things -- friends, work, activities, exercise -- anything to not be focused on this guy. Now that you know for sure he doesn't feel the same as you do, you can move forward. It's rough, but it's actually a good thing to know for sure because it frees you up to move forward.

[snoopie]

Thanks @wiseman2 I have done/doing all of the above. I agree I need more. I’ve begun those steps, set myself tasks and projects. My current endeavours are volunteering, taking a skill course, keeping busy. I do lack fulfilment but I’m taking the steps to discover it. I fear my attraction to him just goes into dormancy rather that really going away.

 

A friend admitted they ‘check on the ex’ every now and again but she blocked him from the start so his curiosity doesn’t get fed, no emotions get stirred. I want that too I guess.

 

Surprisingly, I haven’t looked at his social media. It’s the talking to him directly that I’m addicted to. Some part of me wholeheartedly enjoys the way we communicate. I find him relatable, more so than other people. His personality is appealing to me.

[snoopie]

Otherwise, I would just ignore them if they contacted me or ask them not to contact me again.

 

Thanks @browneyedgirl I agree with many points. I agree with the above quote most of all. Yet that hasn’t happened.

 

I just can’t believe I was able to “shift focus” for so many years only to be talking to him again. I caved to my curiosity genuinely expecting to be ignored/asked to refrain both a year ago and now but he responds.

 

Part of me is waiting for him to ask me not to talk to me or to ignore me at least should I ask him if he would prefer me not to contact him? Do I just stop talking to him? If so, do I leave him unblocked?

[DancingFool]

It's not on him to tell you anything. Stop putting the responsibility for yourself and your feelings on him. He isn't responsible. You are. Delete and block yourself and then focus full time on actually moving on.

[Hollyj]

What is the with the masochistic behavior!!! You are not helpless - block and delete. forever! This is ridiculous. It has been six years.

 

Do you have a social life?

[snoopie]

Well just Ive devised a systematic approach to this and it’s as simple as (but clearly painful and difficult):

 

1. I must relinquish all room for him in my life.

 

Since the only external space Ive given him is messenger then yep he just has to go ✅

 

2. I must empty the emotional space I’ve given him

 

3. I must accept/acknowledge the empty space is actually empty.

 

And I do, I’m lacking something for sure

 

4. I must identify what the emptiness actually is.

 

So far, I’ve recently identified I have low self esteem ✅

 

5. I must accept that this emptiness can be refilled. In a variety of ways.

 

Low self worth can definitely be improved, so yes this emptiness can be refilled ✅

 

6. I must accept that filling it in healthy ways takes a lot longer than filling it in unhealthy ways.

 

Yep it does ✅

7. I must identify and choose the healthy way for long lasting recovery.

 

I really want the healthy way ✅

Healthy ways that can help build self esteem that I haven’t seen all the way through yet

 

Behavioural Therapy

New and recent accomplishments

Helping others

 

8. I must create steps to actively Persue the healthy ways

 

Contact a therapist

Meditate

Continue my skill course ✅

Contact a volunteer organisation ✅

 

9. I must do the steps however difficult.

 

10. I must not focus on expectations but enjoy the journey.

 

That’s all I have so far. Any recommendations for groups/forums where people can keep in touch while they work on this kind of stuff? Any forums you’re part of? I’m asking for buddies on the internet don’t judge me haha.

 

Also if this post needs to be moved out of breakup/healing forums that’s cool.

[Hollyj]

Seeking a therapist should head the list.

[Wiseman2]

Yes. Take the list to a qualified therapist to start the dialogue about what's going on. You realize it has nothing to do with him, right?

Seeking a therapist should head the list.

[snoopie]

Thanks @hollyj and @dancingfool I was feeling good about my plan ^previous post^ then I read your opinions which are pretty cruel and unhelpful imo but hey nothing I can do about it but it stung like a b***** to read that level of annoyance towards my problem.

[snoopie]

I did ask for kind encouragement in the OP

[Hollyj]

It only hurts, because it is true. You have wasted six years on this.

 

Time to be pro active and change your life. Seeing a therapist is a positive move, as it will force you to address your issues.

[snoopie]

It only hurts, because it is true. You have wasted six years on this.

 

Time to be pro active and change your life. Seeing a therapist is a positive move, as it will force you to address your issues.

 

No, as I said this came up just a year ago, so I haven’t spent 6 years dwelling on this. Man, you sound like you’re out for blood. There’s a human behind this screen y’know.

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry that you feel that way. See yourself as a strong woman, not a victim. This mentality is what has kept you stuck.

 

Good luck.

[DancingFool]

Thanks @hollyj and @dancingfool I was feeling good about my plan ^previous post^ then I read your opinions which are pretty cruel and unhelpful imo but hey nothing I can do about it but it stung like a b***** to read that level of annoyance towards my problem.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way. There is absolutely zero annoyance in my post. My message to you was empower yourself. When you post about how you wish he would do this or that, you are taking power and choice away from yourself. When you take responsibility for your choices, recognize they aren't the best and start making different choices, you give power back to yourself. Your follow up action plan is excellent and I hope you do follow through. It will improve your life and I wish you well truly and honestly.

[sonar40]

Hi, I’m really hoping for some kind encouragement so here goes.

 

I was dumped six years ago. 5 years ago I friended him and had the meaningless “how’s life” chat for a few days. Eventually I stopped replying and hit the unfriend button. A year later I did the same but directed the conversation towards our past. I knew I wanted him and it wasn’t going away.

 

The conversation moved on. On the surface it seemed pretty one sided so I bucked up, confessed my attraction and said that I knew he didn’t reciprocate so the healthy option is no contact. I asked him to block me to help me break this cycle I’d put my self in and said goodbye convinced that he’d do it. Blocking him on my end only, just lead to more refriending.

 

He sent a lengthy reply basically said it was a lot to deal and wanted tell me something later when he was free.

 

I called him out and said “later” was false hope for me and that there was nothing for him to “deal” with in blocking me. I said I knew what he’d say later would be he doesnt feel the same and asked him to block me again.

 

He said that wasn’t it, though IT WAS TRUE, he still felt I should hear his advice later.

 

I took that as salt in the wounds and just wanted to skip to the blocked part.

 

He said ‘I don’t think you like the real me, I won’t play games, i won’t get involved in something that will hurt you, I won’t ignore you nor chase you, I’m here if you want to say something, I think you should talk to someone else about this but I want you to hear my advice later before you decide.

 

I said he was dragging this out and asked him again to block me so I’d be forced to suck it up.

 

I blocked him temporarily so I wouldnt get any replies while I was busy. He still hasn’t blocked me. Hes not required to and I can’t make him but jeez a little help, no?

 

Like an addict wanting his dealer to cut him off. He’s available to me, so I take the bait. Is it wrong to ask the bartender not to serve the alcoholic? It’s been 6 years, why is this so hard?

 

I applaud the guy for being honest, respectful and giving you good advice. He has done nothing wrong but your behaviour is questionable. 6 years and cant let go must be very painful for you and it doesnt make you a bad person continually reaching out to someone that obviously does not feel the same. These are ur choices, ur decisions - not his. You Chose this direction, irrespective of how difficult it is, not him therefore all responsibilty lies with you and you only.

 

I seen your list of to do's to help yourself which would have been fine if that was in the first 6 months after the breakup but after 6 years I think you will find it too hard without help from a professional. We can give you advice here but it wont be enough as you have a ssrious attachment issue among other issues that will be best resolved/managed through the help of a therapist. That should be the only to do on your list right now.

 

I really do feel for u as im going through a bad time at the moment and i too have urges to contact her all the time and she doesnt care about me. i will be getting a therapist and weve only just broken up.

 

I wish u well and hope u get the help u need.

[sonar40]

No, as I said this came up just a year ago, so I haven’t spent 6 years dwelling on this. Man, you sound like you’re out for blood. There’s a human behind this screen y’know.

 

Disagree. These people are giving you good advice. They have taken precious time out from their lives to help a person in need - they are not out to annoy you on purpose. Ive been annoyed too by things people have said to me but not annoyed at them, annoyed by the truth.

 

You may not have been dwelling on it for 6 years but its a huge unresolved problem for 6 years. Your attachment issues and yearning for contact for this guy is not normal, even moreso when you havent been dwelling on him for 5 years of it. Seek a therapist. Your issue will unlikely be solved here by advice alone without the aid of a professional.

[Hollyj]

Disagree. These people are giving you good advice. They have taken precious time out from their lives to help a person in need - they are not out to annoy you on purpose. Ive been annoyed too by things people have said to me but not annoyed at them, annoyed by the truth.

 

You may not have been dwelling on it for 6 years but its a huge unresolved problem for 6 years. Your attachment issues and yearning for contact for this guy is not normal, even moreso when you havent been dwelling on him for 5 years of it. Seek a therapist. Your issue will unlikely be solved here by advice alone without the aid of a professional.

 

Spot on!!!!!!

[boltnrun]

Your analogy of a bartender not serving an alcoholic doesn't really hold water. In reality, the alcoholic must take steps to avoid going to bars. And the alcoholic can't blame the bartender for not closing his bar so the alcoholic can't come in.

 

If you know contact from this long-ago ex hurts you in some way, change your number! Yes, you can. I did, and it helped immensely. It only took me about 15 minutes to text my new number to the people I wanted to have it. Bingo, no more meaningless contact from the ex!

 

Asking your ex to ensure you don't attach yourself to him anymore is backward thinking. YOU have control over what you choose to do or not do.

 

Aren't you tired of feeling like this? Then end it!

[Hollyj]

Your analogy of a bartender not serving an alcoholic doesn't really hold water. In reality, the alcoholic must take steps to avoid going to bars. And the alcoholic can't blame the bartender for not closing his bar so the alcoholic can't come in.

 

If you know contact from this long-ago ex hurts you in some way, change your number! Yes, you can. I did, and it helped immensely. It only took me about 15 minutes to text my new number to the people I wanted to have it. Bingo, no more meaningless contact from the ex!

 

Asking your ex to ensure you don't attach yourself to him anymore is backward thinking. YOU have control over what you choose to do or not do.

 

Aren't you tired of feeling like this? Then end it!

 

She is the one reaching out to him.

[boltnrun]

She is the one reaching out to him.

 

I understand that, but she is blaming him for not blocking her.

 

In essence, she is blaming him for the contact because he replies when she contacts him.

[Hollyj]

I understand that, but she is blaming him for not blocking her.

 

In essence, she is blaming him for the contact because he replies when she contacts him.

 

But, even she gets a new number, he can still respond.

[boltnrun]

But, even she gets a new number, he can still respond.

 

So she can exercise some self control and stop messaging him instead of insisting it's his responsibility to end the contact.

[Hollyj]

So she can exercise some self control and stop messaging him instead of insisting it's his responsibility to end the contact.

 

 

But, that would make sense.