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Why Does he Keep Saying This?


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Just wondering why STBXH has said several times in messages and an email "I don't hate you, i just hate what we've become". The last time was last week when I kindly gave him a lift home and he got angry at me as i refused his proposal to help with repair costs to the car. After he got out I got this line in a text and have had it 3 or 4 times over the last 6 months.

 

To me it seems a strange thing to keep telling me......I'm in very LC with him and am certainly more in the "he did me a favour by leaving as the outside view has made me realise what an a$$hole he is" camp......he sent me a long winded message about his proposal for payment of repairs to the care (after i had already told him no thanks) which I couldn't be bothered reading all the way through TBH (get to the point please, I have a new life to be getting on with!!).....I don't even form sentences if I can help it. It's really beginning to pee me off he keeps saying this, why does he keep mentioning it???? Any thoughts??

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Many people have a belief that it takes two people for a marriage to fail.

The words, "I hate what we've become" might translate to > I never wanted to be a divorced person. Our marriage started off well, and as time went, it wasn't perfect but I don't hate you, but I wish we could have worked it out.

His anger is likely emotionally backed and gets escalated from the separation/divorce.

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Because you were married for a long time, have kids together, and are a permanent part of each other's lives? Because that's what people who care about each other do?

 

I think you know why he's doing these things, as it's very obvious to see the motivation behind repeated kind gestures or attempts to establish a peaceful friendship/relationship with an ex partner. You're being intentionally clinical and not just emotionally separating yourself, but also putting up a huge wall in order to avoid being hurt again

 

I think what you're really doing by asking this question is trying to affirm to yourself that you couldn't care less what he does (which is obviously very untrue, or else you wouldn't ask the same type of question repeatedly on this forum). I think deep down you want him to want you, not necessarily so you can be with him, but so you can be cold to him and feel like you won after he walked out

 

And I imagine his response is frustration and also some form of retaliation/rebellion, because it's impossible to get anywhere with someone who has your attitude (completely closed off to reconciliation). I'm becoming increasingly convinced that you have unconsciously encouraged the breakdown of the relationship for a long while, for whatever reasons. And I am confused. Since you obviously wanted this on some level, why be so cold now?

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An emotional reaction to the breakdown of the marriage. When you refuse his help with whatever, you are rejecting him in particular, at least in his mind. You are openly cutting ties. This leads to these emotional outbursts. In a way, it's normal. Divorce IS emotional even when it's the right thing to do for all involved.

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Hopefully you both have gotten attorneys to work out the divorce and division of assets. Let him go through your attorney and stop hanging out with him, giving him rides, acting married and shooting off anger at each other. Work with your attorney and counselor/therapist to work out a way to disengage and get through the throes of divorce as little damage as possible. Unless you have kids, no reason to communicate whatsoever.

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It doesn't matter why, and isn't that odd of a thing to say, but what matters how you are feeling and reacting. This is why people advocate going No Contact at this phase. Set your boundaries based on where you are in this. Ask yourself "Why am I hearing this? Why am I putting myself in a position to hear this when I know how I feel about it and what I think about him?"

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thanks for the replies so far.

 

I'm sorry I can't do the quote thing so I have copy/pasted your answers and added responses!!

 

Betterwithout I think you are probably spot on but I'm tired of hearing it. He's already told me how he felt several times and i told him I get it. We are not (supposed to be) in communication about anything except kids and bills and that's the way I like it.

 

Glitterfingers No I don't actually know why he is doing this. he has an OW and has had for at least several months so there is no need for him to express to me anything except feelings to do with the kids. he has moved on and I have too. I wished him the best and ,for my part have maintained as stated above, contact with him purely about kids and bills. There was a period of nearly 4 weeks without a single message about anything between us and it was fantastic. No drama, no arguing, no nagging, nothing. I felt loathed when i had to break that NC to speak to him about a bill issue. yes i have a barrier up because I am processing the hurt in my own way. i am still seeing my therapist and so i am understanding more and more each time about myself and what we both did wrong in the relationship. i just don't feel the need to go over feelings with him as it is no longer relevant. and yes i am completely closed off to reconciliation but he doesn't want one anyway, he has said from the start he wants divorce and reconciliation/some form of counselling is not an option. I decided several months ago that even if he wanted a reconciliation it is not something i can do as i am not willing to be with someone who has been with someone else already. To me, it is a sign that he had left the relationship a loooonnggg time ago and that 20 years was of no value because he could move on after only 3/4 months of separation (unless she was an EA before he left which i believe to be the case). I really don't care what he does unless it annoys me which it does when he does selfish things because he is basically, a man-child that i have allowed to get away with many,. many things for many, many years. i think you are correct with saying that perhaps I too subconciously thought that it was best to end things but didn't have the balls to do so.

 

Dancingfool Yes, he has always been this way when he gets annoyed. he "throws his toys out of the pram" and is upset because I don't automatically agree with him, tell him he is right and agree to his every whim. It appears that this is still his reaction even when it's not supposed to be as he has moved on......

 

Wiseman2 No attorneys yet, for me anyway and certainly none that i know of for him, as per my previous posts it is too delicate a situation for me to file for divorce here and so it will have to wait about 4 more months. He has started the "money game" last week though as I am apparently only entitled to half of what was in the joint savings account up to the date HE DECIDED he was leaving last year.....as indicated by the proposal for the car repair that came through by text after I had told him thanks, but no thanks for the offer of help.....so it would appear that all i am entitled to is 2000 euros from the total of the joint savings account as was at end of July 2017.....nothing more nothing less.

 

For the record, i do not hang out with him. I can't even look at him because I am filled with so much bitterness, anger and resentment (although this is subsiding more with more therapy). The only time I see him is when he is collecting or dropping off the kids. He lives 10 minutes away in his own apartment and could easily walk but it's not his style to walk and so he asks for a lift. So am i supposed to come across as even colder and refuse to give him a lift to his face? What reason would I give? That creates more ammunition for what he writes as the reason for divorce on the paperwork IMO. For example, he had the kids last week, i had to collect them with my car. he texted me to say his motorbike had a flat and could he use the electric pump in my car to pump it up when i was there picking up the kids. Should i have said no even though i was there anyway? Yes i am a cold woman with barriers up but i have no idea what "reason" i would give for refusing that request? any advice on how to do so would be greatly appreciated!. It really annoys me in situations such as the "electrical pump scenario" as i would have asked a friend to help me if roles were reversed....but then he has no friends here that he can ask.....he got angry in the car the other day about the repair proposal, and |i certainly tried not to react the way i normally would. I was calmly answering and asking questions whereas before I would have been getting heated myself. Indeed before he got out of the car he said "get off your lazy a$$ and get your F$$$ing car fixed", to which i replied "Please don't talk to me like that, you are no longer my husband and I don't have to listen to you talk to me that way". in fact, as well as saying he hated what we had become he also said in the same text "I just can't seem to talk to you without it turning into an argument and for that i apologise". there is no way on earth that i am acting married with this man, certainly if I can help it. i am acting as a co-parent and even that is strained but that is another story.

 

journeynow i would love to be able to be full NC but not possible as we have kids and bills together. My boundaries are, we talk about kids and bills, nothing more nothing less. i have told him this from at least 1 and a half/2 months in. he doesn;t respect those boundaries sometimes. this means when he starts all this apology talk and i hate what we've become it annoys me as I quite frankly, have no interest in hearing it. he could have gone to counselling but he decided it was too late. he walked and found an OW. That was his decision not mine. but nearly 7 months in I have accepted that, i am getting on with my life and making plans for me and m kids' future. i have no need to hear about what he is thinking and feeling as it's not going to change anything and it's not of any importance, nor my business now either.

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If he says it again, say "Is this about kids, or bills?" to make your point. And then focus on kids or bills, and not on anything else he brings up. Part of NC is what goes on in your head. When those ponderings happen, those thoughts pop up, those questions...tell them to leave you alone and go. Mentally shut the door on them. It's part of letting go and moving on, the internal energy you allow to be jerked around. Don't let him dwindle there. Good luck. You sound like you are on your way.

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If he says it again, say "Is this about kids, or bills?" to make your point. And then focus on kids or bills, and not on anything else he brings up. Part of NC is what goes on in your head. When those ponderings happen, those thoughts pop up, those questions...tell them to leave you alone and go. Mentally shut the door on them. It's part of letting go and moving on, the internal energy you allow to be jerked around. Don't let him dwindle there. Good luck. You sound like you are on your way.

 

Thanks Journeynow, that makes a lot sense! x

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Divorces are typically emotionally charged.

Things that come out of our mouths during this time rarely make sense.

Just know he's purging some unresolved grief.

 

Probably true reinventmyself, I asked my therapist a couple of weeks ago how it is possible that he could move on so quickly after such a long relationship...she said he has not processed his grief properly......and one thing, she says for sure, is that you cannot cheat grief and so it is likely he will have issues in the future....

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Probably true reinventmyself, I asked my therapist a couple of weeks ago how it is possible that he could move on so quickly after such a long relationship...she said he has not processed his grief properly......and one thing, she says for sure, is that you cannot cheat grief and so it is likely he will have issues in the future....

 

I watched my ex monkeybranch immediately into another bed.

When that crashed a year later, the grief was still there, right where he left it waiting for him.

Now compounded with additional disappointments he was a hot mess.

I often say. . `Deal with it now, or it will deal with you later'

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reinventmyself exactly... i know I was not perfect in my 20 year relationship and so i am fixing me.....he apparently has not done so according to my my therapist and so it is likely he will crash at a later time.....his concern, not mine. I want to fix me for any future relationship I may have (TBH I'm quite happy on my own and with the DCs and am certainly not proactively looking for a new relationship as i am not ready and thus it is not fair for a new partner IMO)

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reinventmyself exactly... i know I was not perfect in my 20 year relationship and so i am fixing me.....he apparently has not done so according to my my therapist and so it is likely he will crash at a later time.....his concern, not mine. I want to fix me for any future relationship I may have (TBH I'm quite happy on my own and with the DCs and am certainly not proactively looking for a new relationship as i am not ready and thus it is not fair for a new partner IMO)

Good for you!

You'll be just fine, no doubt.

I remember when the ex crashed and our sons came to me asking for help because `dad was not ok'

My oldest got upset with me when I told him in a very nice way that it wasn't my place to help their dad. (basically, he wasn't my problem)

Ugh. . I don't miss those days.

You are far better off than I ever was.

Stay on course.

and keep your distance :)

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Good for you!

You'll be just fine, no doubt.

I remember when the ex crashed and our sons came to me asking for help because `dad was not ok'

My oldest got upset with me when I told him in a very nice way that it wasn't my place to help their dad. (basically, he wasn't my problem)

Ugh. . I don't miss those days.

You are far better off than I ever was.

Stay on course.

and keep your distance :)

 

 

Thanks reinventmyself i hope I will be fine and I am feeling positive for the future. It would seem i need to learn more about detatching from what he says and hopefully I will get to the stage where what he says does not annoy me!

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It seems you are over invested in his every action and move and who he's dating, etc. Your therapy sessions should be about You, not speculating about him. Your therapist should not be entertaining this armchair musing about his dating life. You are paying her to help you process things and reduce the anger of divorce for you, not speculate on how he will fail at dating, etc.

he apparently has not done so according to my my therapist and so it is likely he will crash at a later time.
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It seems you are over invested in his every action and move and who he's dating, etc. Your therapy sessions should be about You, not speculating about him. Your therapist should not be entertaining this armchair musing about his dating life. You are paying her to help you process things and reduce the anger of divorce for you, not speculate on how he will fail at dating, etc.

 

 

 

She actually doesn't bring him up, it's only if I have something i want to say to her about him or get off my chest in a session. I don't always have friends available to vent to if he has done something to tick me off. It annoys me that some of my time is wasted on him and the whole session is not about me. This sentence you've highlighted was her opinion of course, which she gave me when I said to her it felt like the last 20 years was wasted and had no value to him because he had moved on so quickly.

 

I am certainly not over invested in him and what he does, it is this specific thing that annoys me and that is why I brought it up on the forum.I have no business to know what he's doing, where he's going, who he's with etc etc as it's nothing to do with me. The only thing i know about his relationship is that she doesn't live in the same country as we do, as i asked whether she had been around my kids when i went on my solo trip to Rome. I find not knowing anything about his new life helps my healing. I ignore messages that are not about kids and bills. My messages to him are only about kids and bills. he and all of his family/our mutual friends are all blocked/unfriended on FB and have been since just after Xmas, so believe me i am not over invested in him at all. The only time OW will be of concern to me is if there came a time when he wanted to introduce her to my kids.

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