Sex now confused!

[rubys]

I’ve been dating a guy for a month or so, he’s everything I’d look for in a guy, super caring, loads of time for me, generous etc. I definitely fancied him, but something inside me wouldn’t allow myself to do anything more than lust after him.

 

We had a massive heart to heart last night. We talked about our childhoods, parents, grandparents, I told him my ex and I broke up because he wanted to move away and I didn’t. He then told me that although his job is great in the city we’re currently in, it’s not what he wants to do forever. He wants to move to London to work for a much more prestigious organisation.

 

We then had amazing sex, twice. It was close and coupley.

 

I couldn’t sleep last night while he was still in my bed, post sex, because I had such a panic that I was getting myself into something that wasn’t going to end well, and I wasn’t all that interested anyway, so we chatted it out, and he said he really liked me as a person so would love to be friends. I said that would be fab! We agreed to catch up soon, and if the friends with benefits situation arose, we’d make the most of it.

 

Now, he’s left, and all of a sudden I feel devastated, as if I’ve let the best guy go! It seems like since I’ve been honest with him, it’s made me more attracted to him!

 

Help!

[DaisyMayPorter]

He's left where? Your house? The city?

 

He told you he wanted to be friends and that was it for now, so you didn't "let him go." Does that make sense? Or did more happen?

[SweetGirl28]

This is a mess in the making. You should not be his fwb, unless you can handle it emotionally.

He has plans to move, so why invest time in this?

[Cope]

I definitely fancied him, but something inside me wouldn’t allow myself to do anything more than lust after him. [...]

 

I couldn’t sleep last night while he was still in my bed, post sex, because I had such a panic that I was getting myself into something that wasn’t going to end well, and I wasn’t all that interested anyway, so we chatted it out, and he said he really liked me as a person so would love to be friends. I said that would be fab! We agreed to catch up soon, and if the friends with benefits situation arose, we’d make the most of it.

 

 

Your gut instincts were telling you that this relationships is bad news. You didn't exactly trust it (it's hard) and you talked about it with him. This conversation ended up with him making the decision instead of you.

 

Am I getting close? What you are describing or at least how I read it, is exactly what I went through my last short term relationship. I KNEW it was bad news almost from the get go, yet I didn't trust my instincts and in the end he left me for another woman. I am extremely disappointed in me about not trusting my instincts again.

 

It's very hard to just dive into a decision based on your gut, I still don't know if I can do it, but I'm working on it.

[rubys]

Your gut instincts were telling you that this relationships is bad news. You didn't exactly trust it (it's hard) and you talked about it with him. This conversation ended up with him making the decision instead of you.

 

Am I getting close? What you are describing or at least how I read it, is exactly what I went through my last short term relationship. I KNEW it was bad news almost from the get go, yet I didn't trust my instincts and in the end he left me for another woman. I am extremely disappointed in me about not trusting my instincts again.

 

It's very hard to just dive into a decision based on your gut, I still don't know if I can do it, but I'm working on it.

 

 

Not totally right...he was sad to hear that I had found it all a bit much after sex, but said that if that’s my decision that he’d accept it but would love to still be friends because we got on really well.

[Cope]

Not totally right...he was sad to hear that I had found it all a bit much after sex, but said that if that’s my decision that he’d accept it but would love to still be friends because we got on really well.

 

Good!! So you were basically the one that ended it. Seriously, be proud! If you were panicking over continuing this with him, your gut feeling was trying to tell you something. It's normal to have doubts, but in the end you would've split up for at least the same reason you split up with your ex, right? You did good! If it's meant to be, it will! Maybe try to stay away from the FWB thing right now?

[DaisyMayPorter]

Oh so you ended it? Well, did he want a relationship? I’m confused.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure some will disagree, but once you've slept with someone, you can't go back to holding hands...so to speak.

 

With that said I'd write this one off, and look at is as, the longer you take to get to know someone, the better you will be able to see them without sex clouding your judgment. JMO....

[katrina1980]

OP, you sound confused. Don't feel too bad, so am I.

 

Anyway, you went from lusting for him, having hot sex, acting close and coupley, to having a panic attack because you sensed something was off, not going to end well, which didn't matter anyway because you "weren't all that interested." Your own words.

 

So he proposed a friendship, you're on board, but then after he leaves, you're devastated and he's suddenly the best guy you've ever met?

 

Do you have a fear of intimacy/closeness? Cause it seems like after you had sex and got close, you weren't interested, but then after he left, and distanced himself, you're back to being interested again!

 

Have you explored this possibility?

[rubys]

I don’t think I do...I think that before sex I’d decided he wasn’t the one for me and i was fine about it so when he said his goal was to work away from where I live, I didn’t mind. Then we had sex which I thought I was fine with, but apparently I wasn’t because as soon as we had sex I felt differently. He’s very easy to talk to so I told him pretty much as soon as we woke up in the morning, that I felt more than I had hoped I would during sex, he was very understanding that it could hurt me in the long run because his goal is to move away. So after I said this he said that it would be a shame to waste a friendship seeing as we got on so well. Is it just the post-sex attachment feelings happening to me?

[katrina1980]

^ This is different from what was presented in your original post but in any event something about this entire situation sounds off.

 

Yeah women become attached after sex, but there's usually an attraction and interest there

before sex!

 

In your case, you said there was no interest before sex. but then after sex there was?

 

May I ask, since you had no interest, why did you have sex with him in the first place?

 

I'm sorry if I'm mis-interpreting things, I am trying to follow your thought process and apparently failing miserably..

[figureitout23]

I don’t think I do...I think that before sex I’d decided he wasn’t the one for me and i was fine about it so when he said his goal was to work away from where I live, I didn’t mind. Then we had sex which I thought I was fine with, but apparently I wasn’t because as soon as we had sex I felt differently. He’s very easy to talk to so I told him pretty much as soon as we woke up in the morning, that I felt more than I had hoped I would during sex, he was very understanding that it could hurt me in the long run because his goal is to move away. So after I said this he said that it would be a shame to waste a friendship seeing as we got on so well. Is it just the post-sex attachment feelings happening to me?

 

I think we're confused because you weren't really interested but you slept with him anyway... that makes so little sense and this is coming from someone who gets attached from sex very easily, so I get how that switch can just flip. You had a heart to heart with him and then had sex, that's not the actions of indifference, I mean if you were sleeping with him just for sh*ta and giggles I'm the last person who would judge you, but that seriously doesn't add up here.

 

Were you maybe trying to keep emotions out, but failed? That sounds more... realistic?