Am I (21/F) wrong for being upset with my (23/M) boyfriends dad?

[confusedsister]

Hi everyone!

 

I'll try and keep this post short. Basically, my 23/M boyfriend's dad made me feel super awkward and embarrassed last night at a family party and I want to know if I'm overreacting.

 

So, last night we went to his cousins bday party and my BF and I were hanging out, obviously. Then his dad comes over to us halfway through the party and asked my BF if he wanted a beer. My BF said yes, then his dad said "then go get it yourself". My BF said he was comfy with me and asked his dad if he could bring it, and his dad said "What? you can't leave your girlfriend for one minute to go get it yourself?" I was confused since he kind of offered in the first place, but chose to ignore it since he's known to start conflict.

 

So, 10-15 mins passed and my BF was still outside. I felt a little tension and didn't want anymore comments being made, so I chose to stay inside. But his cousin invited me outside and I said yes. When I went outside, my BF called me over and I went and his dad immediately started saying in a stern non-joking voice "oh my god, can I have like one minute alone with my son" and I just ignored him, then he kept going (addressing everyone) saying "oh, she's not going to take it as a joke, she's going to take it seriously and get her feelings hurt" and I just replied saying "yeah." and he started mimicking my voice saying "yeah. she's like this guy hahahah" and i asked my BF if we could just go outside to talk.

 

I don;t know. He made me feel super awkward and made me feel like I was being clingy when we were engaging in conversation with everyone the whole night. I chose to stay because I hate creating conflict/drama and I always turn the other cheek. But it just really got to me because it seemed like it wasn't a joke and it was more personal. His dad does complain a lot that my boyfriend doesn't spend enough time with them, although he lives with them and they hangout at least 1-3 times a week.Do you think I'm overreacting for feeling upset and not wanting to be around his dad?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? It's a huge red flag. Your bf just stood around with his thumb up his rear during this? That tells you a lot. You should not 'turn the other cheek', you should have promptly left with or without your wimpy abuse-blind bf.

his dad immediately started saying in a stern non-joking voice "oh my god, can I have like one minute alone with my son" and I just ignored him, then he kept going (addressing everyone) saying "oh, she's not going to take it as a joke, she's going to take it seriously and get her feelings hurt" and I just replied saying "yeah." and he started mimicking my voice saying "yeah. she's like this guy hahahah" and i asked my BF if we could just go outside to talk.

[butterfly45]

This has gone on for too long. Get rid of him. That's too much baggage for someone who doesn't have your back.

[confusedsister]

Thank you; we've been dating for a little over 3 years. I've had issues with his dad in the past, so this is nothing new. I'm just really starting to get tired of it because there's always an excuse (something happened at work, he misses my BF, etc.). When it happened, my BF and I left and went outside to talk and he asked if I wanted to leave. I felt super awkward and I hate creating conflict and he made me feel like I did take things too seriously, even though I knew he was wrong. His dad definitely has some dominant, abusive relationship with his whole family and my BF has been really affected by it. But I really don't want to be around him anymore.

[confusedsister]

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? It's a huge red flag. Your bf just stood around with his thumb up his rear during this? That tells you a lot. You should not 'turn the other cheek', you should have promptly left with or without your wimpy abuse-blind bf.

 

 

Sorry, I forgot to add that my BF understood and he was mad too, but we both agreed to stay and not let him get to us to give him that satisfaction and we just ignored him and left after the party and came to my house. His dad also scares me too and I think he preys on my BF and me both because he knows were really nice people and don't like confrontation.

[Wiseman2]

The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree which is why the bf doesn't see a problem. Extricate yourself from this and tell a trusted adult, counselor, parent etc. what's going on. Sadly you've stuck around for the abuse 'turning a cheek, avoiding drama", which makes you the PERFECT abuser target. Please get counselling and read up on verbal abuse, abuse risk factors and what your bf/his father are doing in this article:Abuse By Proxy

His dad definitely has some dominant, abusive relationship with his whole family and my BF has been really affected by it. But I really don't want to be around him anymore.

[melancholy123]

Dad sounds like a jerk.

[Snny]

When I went outside, my BF called me over and I went and his dad immediately started saying in a stern non-joking voice "oh my god, can I have like one minute alone with my son" and I just ignored him, then he kept going (addressing everyone) saying "oh, she's not going to take it as a joke, she's going to take it seriously and get her feelings hurt" and I just replied saying "yeah." and he started mimicking my voice saying "yeah. she's like this guy hahahah"

This is bullying and disrespectful. I would of left the party immediately. In addition I would refuse to go to any future family functions if that man is present because he's so disrespectful to guests. You don't need to deal with that negativity at any party.

 

Your boyfriend should be standing up for you.

 

His dad also scares me too and I think he preys on my BF and me both because he knows were really nice people and don't like confrontation.

No, you don't confront him. That's not your job. Your boyfriend needs to deal with his family. He's an adult and can handle it. And if he can't, then nothing is going to change and his father will continue to bully you.

 

I felt super awkward and I hate creating conflict and he made me feel like I did take things too seriously, even though I knew he was wrong.

Oh hell no. You were not being overly sensitive. You were a guest and should of been treated as such. He pushed it by making disrespectful comments about your relationship and its become a bullying issue. There's no excuse for his outlandish behavior. You don't tolerate bullies or their behavior. And if your boyfriend makes you feel the way you described... I would tap out of the relationship. He needs to enforce boundaries too, even if it's family that crosses it.

[confusedsister]

This is bullying and disrespectful. I would of left the party immediately. In addition I would refuse to go to any future family functions if that man is present because he's so disrespectful to guests. You don't need to deal with that negativity at any party.

 

Your boyfriend should be standing up for you.

 

Oh hell no. You were not being overly sensitive. You were a guest and should of been treated as such. He pushed it by making disrespectful comments about your relationship and its become a bullying issue. There's no excuse for his outlandish behavior. You don't tolerate bullies or their behavior. And if your boyfriend makes you feel the way you described... I would tap out of the relationship. He needs to enforce boundaries too, even if it's family that crosses it.

 

Yes; his dad said the reason why he said those things to me was because he wanted to "get my boyfriend's attention". I think there are other effective ways to do this rather than resorting to attacking someone for no apparent reason. My boyfriend understood and was mad at his dad too (sorry if I made it seem different). However, his dad made me feel weird and like it was abnormal for a couple to be together during a party? I felt like his dad didn't want to include me and actually wanted me to be by myself.

[Snny]

Yes; his dad said the reason why he said those things to me was because he wanted to "get my boyfriend's attention".

BS. Hes an adult and should know better than to behave like that. He was out of line. Period.

 

Bullies are going to come up with excuses or play victim to justify their actions. He's still twisting it around against you to make YOU look like that you are being oversensitive. That is how they get away with their behavior. Still stand up against it.

 

However, his dad made me feel weird and like it was abnormal for a couple to be together during a party? I felt like his dad didn't want to include me and actually wanted me to be by myself.

Bullies will isolate outsiders. That's how he made you a target. And because this is among family, most people are not going to call him out for his behavior.

 

I would tell your boyfriend that you will no longer go to future family functions because of this ongoing disrespect. He can "be mad" all he wants- whether at him - but since he lives with them and is the child, his powers are also limited. But you don't have to tolerate the bullying and can choose to take a stand.