aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 My girlfriend and i met up in january 2017..I was so into her but i had thoughts of her liking my best friend,anyway i decided to give it a go and we dated for about 5 months and i was so in love with her and she seemed too.After 5 months we broke up,because i was jealous about my best friend flirting with her and believing she liked too ...about one month after the break up i was devastated and i was talking about my feelings to this friend and he always was telling me that ''i don't have to worry ,she is a ,and don't get so sad etc...then one night i decided to stalk my ex girlfriend and i saw her entering my friend's house around 4.30 am ...I was so devastated about the betrayal of my best friend and my ex that i wanted to commit suicide ...the days passed by and i told some other friends that i saw her entering his house at night and all that he was saying me was lies....after that about a month ago my ex called me to get together ,and i like a fool went at her house ...when we talked about how many lies she said to me and that i saw her entering in my best friends house ,she refused it big time...So i gave her a second chance and we were together again secretly for a month and a half ,until she went at christmas to her parents for holidays ...we were very good in this 1 and a half month ,until i learned that y best friend went secretly in the same city she went...and when i told her on the phone she just broke up with me for silly reasons like ''i am tired ,nothing is happening with your friend ,you are so jealous of him,i never went to his house etc...so she came back and i decided to stalk again and guess what ...i saw her 2 weeks ago entering his house AGAIN afternoon .... The thing is she played e so much and my best friend too ....she played with my emotions and my head ,and i can find a reason why really ....now she is with him secretly..and i am alone with no friends because nobody believed me when i told them that they are together ....i am so devastated thinking all the tie y ex sleeping with y best friend and i am left alone like the crazy ex boyfriend who is delusional and all that stuff...i don't know what to do really .....sorry for my bad english Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 She didn't play you! You knew she was cheating and lying, but you kept going back for more. That's on you! You're not a victim! Get rid of both of them!!! Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 it's not exactly like this ...the thing is she was showing signals that she liked my friend when she was with me ,and i once asked her what is happening and she reassured me that ''i am with you ,i love you ,i just feel a little sympathy for your friend and that's all'' ...i saw the red flags but never believed that she could do this ...dating me but wanting someone else.I tried to get rid of them ,but the thing is w are living in a small town and i have to see them now and then .and i cannot withstand this .and yes she played me big time i think ...because she got back just to make me believe that she was never in my friend house ..and then again dumped me to be with him . Link to comment
Carus Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Painful stuff indeed and you will need to heal from this.... The first thing to do is remove yourself completely from both of them....No more contacting her or them...You will get no answers from them... The answers you seek will be found in turning away from them and start focusing on your own life and health... Are you working? Do you have income coming in...? Carus* Link to comment
nao Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Sorry, you have to go trough this, but I am afraid there is not much you can do here, allow yourself to heal, don't beat yourself too much over how fool you were, it happens to anyone, and move on, find a new girlfriend, new friends, you will see, life goes on, bad friends, bad girlfriends happens all the time... next time you'll know better Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 i work in my father businness.not much money but it's ok because i live in my own house.I just started antidepressants 4 days ago after i visited a psychotherapist and psychiatrist,because i can't stand the pain ...I now doubting myself for almost every aspect.She left me with questions unanswered.Why be with me and making plans with me saying she loves me so much etc.If she doesn't want me ...why all these lies from her AND the betrayal from him??? Why she got back with me for 1,5 month and then got back again with him ??it's just a sick situation .... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 it's not exactly like this ...the thing is she was showing signals that she liked my friend when she was with me ,and i once asked her what is happening and she reassured me that ''i am with you ,i love you ,i just feel a little sympathy for your friend and that's all'' ...i saw the red flags but never believed that she could do this ...dating me but wanting someone else.I tried to get rid of them ,but the thing is w are living in a small town and i have to see them now and then .and i cannot withstand this .and yes she played me big time i think ...because she got back just to make me believe that she was never in my friend house ..and then again dumped me to be with him . You saw him going to her house at 4:30 AM. That should have been it. I don't know how much more info you would need. Your eyes don't lie. You should have been done, after that. You are not a victim. You should have been done with both of them. I don;t care how small the town is. Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 i feel like will be not next time ,i am 29 and ive lost all my friends ...she works in a bar that i used to go for about 10 years and meet my friends there ...they just continue their lives and i can't stand to go again there where she works ...it's difficult to make new friends in a town of 9000 population and i just don't have the energy to try ....so i am working all day and the nights i get back to get some sleep ,and they just party and dancing at nights like they don't even care a little ...for heaven's sake she was my girl (even for five months) and we did so much together ...and HE was my best friend for 13 years . Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 i am the victim.I know that i let her act on me the way she acted.i really know that she treated me so crappy and my ''friend'' also ...the problem i am going through is that she destroyed my self esteem making me thinking all day that if she returned to me only to make me believe that my friend and she weren't sleeping together and when she realized that i will not change my mind after seeing her in his house ,then she dumped me and went back to him .I know it sounds stupid but it isn't because ican't cope with the situation i am going through..every day i am questioning myself like ... is he so good at sex that my girlfriend did all this just to be with him,even secretly ? why tell me so many lies instead of breaking up with me and going with my friend? all the things she said ''i love you so much'' ''you are the best sex ever'' ''i see you and my heart melts '' ''i miss you so much baby'' ''i want to be with you '' ''do you think i am to sleep with your best friend ?'' ..All these thoughts make me feel like zero ...i made the mistake to get back with her only to realize it was a plan and nothing else ...maybe all the time we had sex not only she didn't like it ,but maybe deep inside she was feeling gross for me ...that's the thoughts i am going through everyday , and there they are ****ing each other ,talking about me and laughing at me and going out like nothing is happening between them so all the people i used to hang out ,they hang out with them ...why she did all of these things...was ever real emotions for me ?was i a good love partner as she was saying to me ?why she didnt stay with me as she said ? i am not an ugly guy really but the ''friend'' is ...i can't find any other reason dumping me but better sex with him ...and now they mocking me ,i am sure of it, with their friends reading my messages with her and laughing...it is so sick the situation and i cannot find a solution ...i don't even know how am i gonna react if i see them hanging out together some day ...sorry for my bad english ... Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 What they did was disgusting. This is not the end of the world. Have you tried to expand your social circle beyond a bar? There must be other things/people, in a small town. Maybe. it is a good time to expand your sole interests beyond dancing and drinking - sounds really boring anyhow. There must be some groups or clubs that may interest you, or you can go over to neighboring towns. Are there Meetups in your area. I know that you are depressed, but there is so much more than these, too. They are awful! I cannot believe you are giving up at 29, over these two. C'mon. They are not worth your time! This is your signal that you really need to expand your life. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 Have you considered returning to school, so that you can get out of that town? Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 thank you very much ...i am at the beggining and i am really afraid ...no,this town is very small ...we have like 5-6 bars and full of cafeteria's ..but you know that it is difficult to make new friends .No one is waiting for me to become his friend...Usually in small town you make friends from school and you keep with them ..either way my self esteem is sooooo broken from this girl... Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 3, 2018 Author Share Posted February 3, 2018 i am sorry for my bad english but i am from Greece Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 No. I am 54 years old and have made many friends since college, as I have made the effort by getting involved in things- I make new friends every year. I have made many friends through volunteering and through mutual friends. Listen, you can see yourself as a victim, or YOU can make an effort to improve YOUR life, by making changes. I can't believe that you would flush your life down the toilet, due to this POS, you call your ex girlfriend. You dated 5 months, and you are going to give everything up? If a friend or brother were sharing a similar story with you, what would you advise? Listen, make an effort to get to know people in a neighboring town and outside the bars. Expand your education, so that you can get a better job and make more money. You are responsible for YOUR happiness! Link to comment
beebs82 Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 They sound like awful people! But consider this a blessing in disguise. You don't need people like that in your life! In the grand scheme of things you hadn't dated for that long. I wouldn't be surprised if she came back again but please be strong. You don't deserve that. You don't need her breadcrumbs. You deserve the whole damn loaf. I would rather have no friends then sucky ones. Hang in there it will get better! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 i am sorry for my bad english but i am from Greece Your English is very clear. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 I make new friends all the time and I'm in my 50s. My friends range in age from near my age to young 20s! So yes, it is possible. But you definitely won't make new friends if you don't leave your home and if you insist on imagining that everyone is talking about you and laughing at you. Trust me, people have their own lives and aren't that focused on what you're doing. Link to comment
Annia Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 You've lost all your friends? Why? I don't understand. And if you lost all your friend they weren't all that good friends to begin with. But on the subject, you need to block and delete both and keep away from everything related to them. You also need to expand your social cycle or at least developing interests and participate in activities. But of course, it's normal to take a time first to grieve and process it all. But after that you need to get up and work towards healing. Link to comment
Annia Posted February 3, 2018 Share Posted February 3, 2018 I moved to a really small town on the other side of the world and though I don't know many people I've met quite a few that I might be calling my friends in the future. It's possible but you need to get out of your comfort zone. Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 yes i know and thanks for all the helping . The thing is i have my job here,my family here ,my home here,and there is no way i can keep away from things related to them because my social circle is almost the same to hers...Also we go out at the same bars and cafeterias cause there are not many here in my town ...As for moving in another town ,its very difficult now that i am on antidepressants ...i don't have the energy to go to the supermarket for example ....i will try to fight on my own to save myself and my soul ,i know it will be difficult cause i am thinking of him and her making love and cuddling and saying its other love words and its ruining my ego and my self esteem...She never had feelings for me and i don't know why ....i am feeling that i was doing something wrong .You see ,the pain is unbearable when you dating the woman you like and deep down in your stomach you feel that she only thinks of your best friend ,try to be close to your best friend or mention his name sometimes.You feel that every time you have sex with this woman she just thinks of your friend ....and in the end you seeing her entering his house at night ,your whole world collapses ,you see in front of your eyes the betrayal of 2 people who you thought they are ''solid''...then your self esteem reaches below zero and you are questioning yourself all the time like ''am i ugly'' ''was i bad at sex'' ''am i boring '' ''why all this apathy from these 2 ?'' ''he is uglier than me ,and he had only one girlfriend in his life '' ''am i suppose to feel bad for me now?'' ''all the things she said to me was all lies and now they facking each other like animals and they talking about me and the messages i had with my girlfriend and our personal life ,and they laughing i am sure'' ''and the songs she sent to me like ''beautiful trauma'' or ''love on the brain'' was meant for him not for me '' etc etc...sorry for the long post really Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Then expand your social circle. Good God!!! These are not the only people in your town!!!!!!!! You are making your whole life about this, and this shows you had very little going on. This was five months of your life. You need to put this in perspective. And, your friend is a real piece of garbage. I cannot comprehend why you are placing all of your self worth into this? These are not the only two people on the planet. And yes. you could move to another area. You could find another job. I have always lived far from my family. What's the big deal, you are 29, not 18. This is not the end of the world. Make your life more full. Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 thank you very much for your replies...i will try to do my best and stand on my feet again ....thank you...anyone with a similar story or with helpful tips ,,,is welcome to reply .. Link to comment
Carus Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 All that thinking about them that you are doing is totally normal...It is your brain trying to process what has happened.... I can sense the state you are in so I am going to throw in my 2 cents and say don't make any big decisions right now. Yes you could pack up and move towns or jobs etc but I would just focus on healing yourself a bit first....You can move but the pain and the issues will all pack up and go with you.... You are only fresh into this and you are hurting so just take it one day at a time for now ok? Make sure you try to eat and sleep the best you can...Very important* Carus* Link to comment
aytocancan Posted February 4, 2018 Author Share Posted February 4, 2018 that's what i am thinking about ....it's the only solution (?)...i will try to continue psychotherapy to heal myself first ...and up my selfesteem ,cause even if i leave ,just as you said ,it will not help me at all...only the reason that will make me leave will remind me of this f@cked up situation .... Link to comment
Carus Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 Traveling is good and it does help, but it would be better for you to heal up a bit first rather than trying to sweep it under the rug with traveling or shopping or eating or drinking etc etc... If you don't heal properly then it will only come up again later if you find yourself in a similar situation.... Stay Strong Carus* Link to comment
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