Someone please advice

[someone new]

Hi, I need some advice please. I am 36 years old(woman), and i have been divorced 10 years back ( that part of my life is completely over). However i am still good friends with a bunch of my ex husbands friends. One of them has always been a good friend, however over the years(post divorce) we got closer in terms of talking and discussing everyday details (completely platonic). In the last 1-2 years, he has often told me many times how he has thought about us together and that the only thing holding him back is the fact that he would never be able to tell his friends about us (he feels he is breaking some sort of a bro code by being with his friends ex wife) . I although never have had a romantic inclination towards him, but did mention to him every time he would give this reason, that if he could not cross this hurdle(of being able to tell the friends) then there is no point in even discussing this as i felt he needed to be able to stand up for me and not think of such things. Anyways, considering we stay in 2 different continents, i met him recently a month back (he comes every 3 years back home) and to my suprise i was completely attracted to him, more emotionally and also physically. I really felt that the guy had matured (he did have a difficult time in the past with one relationship that did not work with whom he wanted to marry) and was totally into me. We then decided to vacation tofgether, and the whole month that we were together , there was nothing but pure chemistry. However when we left for our respective countries, he completely has withdrawn. At times i feel he is confused because he says things like" good we didnt spend more time together as it would be toxic" and then then he says things like" there was a girl who was ready to have a one night stand with him but he passed it". I also did tell him how i was ready to take this forward as i felt what we had was fantastic and that we should consider ourselves seriously(assuming in my head that he is ready for it too), however now he says he is not sure about firstly marriage , and secondly if he wants to marry me. I am so lost , because this is a guy who told me a year back that he was ready for marriage and not is doubtful about it. Can someone please help me to understand what do i decipher from this ? Please note- he has told me that he would never want to loose me in case we dont get married as i mean the world to him

[MissCanuck]

It seems like he'd built up a fantasy in his head, but after spending time together in person, he realized there is something that doesn't work between you two.

 

I am sorry OP, but you will be best to let this one go. For whatever reason, he doesn't view you two together like he once did. Keep in mind he was making grand plans before really even spending time with you, which is never a great way to start. It sets expectations too high with no real foundation.

[LootieTootie]

I agree w/ MissCanuck.

 

I think while on vacation with you, he wasn't that in to you as you were in to him. His present (non)actions are tell-tale signs that you should move on. Also this guy seems to have a knack for "wanting to marry" ppl... I would not take this guy seriously at all.

[someone new]

Hi Canuck, Thanks for your reply. I guess you are right, however i just wanted to know, every-time i think i will stay away, he will send me a "drunken" message trying to say how he is into me. Like these days all he keeps telling me is that we HAVE to go for another vacation this year itself. Or some other message somehow telling me how we can meet or be together. My thing is , if you arent sure about us ,then why behave like this.

[MissCanuck]

He does this for attention and validation when he's feeling the need for an ego-boost.

 

You can't take this man seriously, OP. Sending "drunken" messages is not any sign of serious intent. Neither is suggesting a vacation together when he's already made it clear he doesn't see a future with you.

 

You need to stop communicating with him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. It may be best to date local men who you can see consistently and who want to build a relationship with you. This man is not interested. Don't waste any more time communicating with him.

we stay in 2 different continents.

[Silverbirch]

I think he is probably a commitmentphobe, and therefore advise you not to have any further emotional or sexual contact. He claimed to gave feelings for you when he thought you were unavailable. Then you became available. Oh,mand the distance thing, a commitmentphobe so dream!