Mentioning Money During Arguments?

[Solange]

I've received some really good advice on this site before, and I really appreciate it. Sometimes it really helps to have an outside opinion for tough relationship situations (even though we usually end up NOT taking the advice, lol).

 

Here's the thing: My man has a habit of bring up (more like throwing-in-the-face type of thing) things having to do with money when we argue (out of nowhere).

 

I've been working really hard to pay off school debts, but not fast enough. For any of you who've been in debt with the bank, they usually don't want to hear about your problems/ don't care. Anyhow, my boyfriend helped me out financially and co-signed for a loan so that I could get everything paid off. This is something that I did not ask him to do, but was trying to figure things out on my own. He offered to help, saying that he trusted that I would be responsible. I've upheld my end of the bargain for the past two months.

 

What's been bothering me, is that I'm starting to wonder whether or not he only agreed to do this to have control over me. The reason I've suspected this, is because every time we get into an argument now, he says something like, "it's okay, just leave me with your debt" (which I would NEVER do).

 

Last night, I was tired after working on my feet for 7 hours, and he started in on me about the whole debt thing again. I can understand his need to discuss it, but even after I had told him that I was exhausted, he persisted. Again, he said "I've had to cover for you, you're so immature, and are probably going to end up screwing me on this" (or something like that). It hurts to hear things like this, especially when I work my butt off at a not-so-great job that leaves me totally spent 6 days a week, just so I can keep up every payment.

 

I'm getting tired of him throwing his "good deed" in my face, every time we scuffle about something completely unrelated. I obviously have nothing to say in defense, because it's true; he DID help. But why bring it up twice a week? To make me feel like crap? I don't get it.

[DN]

Is there any way you can raise the money somewhere else to pay him back?

 

I would also tell him that if goes on like that he will make a self-fulfilling prophecy - because you will leave him.

[cleverme123]

Yep it's a control thing, been there. It starts with something petty out of the blue and before long everything will become your fault. Ya better be careful or you will see an ugly pattern start to arise.

[Solange]

Wow, thanks for the super-quick reply DN!

 

Unfortunately, I'm really doing the best I can right now. I live in a city away from family (they don't have the money to lend), so I'm paying rent, bills, food, transportation, etc. It's tough to come up with thousands of dollars, even though I'd like to be able to.

 

I don't get why he would offer to do it in the first place if it was going to be such an issue. I've made every single payment without question, and will continue to do so.

[DN]

I would guess that he is insecure in the relationship and is saying those things to guilt you into staying with him - a sort of pre-emptive strike, if you see what I mean.

 

Other than this, has he any reason to think the relationship won't last?

[cleverme123]

He offered to show you what a nice guy he was, neverthought twice about helping you out. Now it's a power card for him, there is nothing else to pull, so he uses that. Later it will be other things, don't be surprised if he tries to get you fired or to quit from your job. Then it will really be an issue. Please be careful, I have been here too many times.

[annie24]

How about if you two signed a legal document, which is notarized or something, that says he purchased some things for you and that you promise to pay him back $x a month until the entire debt is paid off (regardless of whether you two stay together). Sign some kind of document that would hold up in court.

 

That way, you're getting your power back. He will get his money for sure, so he doesn't have an excuse to say to you things like, "You'll leave me with this debt one day!"

 

I think if he keeps it up after signing the document, then yes, you have a real control freak on your hands. Good luck!!!

[annie24]

Yeah... the more I think about it, it doesn't have to be a very complicated document. Just something that says, for example, that he loaned you $2000, you have already paid him back $500, and you promise to pay back the remaining $1500, by paying him $150 a month, for the next 10 months.

 

Type a document like this out, and then the two of you should go to a notary, to witness your signatures. Most banks have a notary. If you are a bank customer, they probably won't charge you. Otherwise, most notaries charge $10.

 

Hopefully, this will clear up the problem. But, I have a feeling that this is about something deeper, as Cleverme said, more like control and insecurities.

[Solange]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

And to Annie: I know for a fact that he would never go for the whole 'official document' thing. Plus, if I we have to result to something like that, going to a notary (which is basically a lawyer) and such, that we're headed for some seriously hard times in the future. I just don't think that we should even be together if we can't just work something out without signing something.

 

don't be surprised if he tries to get you fired or to quit from your job. Then it will really be an issue. Please be careful, I have been here too many times.

 

You mean in the sense that he would have even more control over the relationship by me being fired and having to depend on him completely?

[cleverme123]

You got it. It may seem like such a nice thing to do to begin with you don't have to work just take care of things around the house, but then it becomes a power point. But yes it becomes control and then it starts affecting every aspect of your relationship. Be careful.

[annie24]

A notary is nothing like a lawyer. They're just a person who views a signature, and puts their official stamp on it. I've had notaries who have stamped documents in foreign languages for me. They just attest to the signature.

 

Anyways, I do happen to agree with cleverme. I mean, it's hopefully extreme, but it seems like it's something that can grow out of your current situation.

 

I just don't think that we should even be together if we can't just work something out without signing something.

 

But.... you're saying he keeps saying that you're going to default on your loan. This is one way to show him that you're not. Yeah, you two came to an agreement when he loaned you the money 2 months ago, and even without missing any payments, he's already accusing you of being immature and that you're going to leave him with all the debt. That sounds like a really bad situation to me.

 

If he doesn't want to sign a document that gaurantees his money back, it really does sound like what cleverme said, that he's trying to control you to stay with him. That sounds scary to me....