Mad, sad, worried

[Lambert]

Long story short or a least I'll try..

 

My new BF of less than a year had a meltdown and panic attack. we were supposed to spend yesterday together after he ran some errands. He was later than usual calling me and had been drinking. he was very upset rehashing old hurt feelings from his ended marriage. Divorced 2+years. She lives in another part of the country now and has her own relationship with the man she cheated on him. ( that's important to note.)

 

Our relationship is his first since the divorce. At first I thought maybe I'm a rebound. I quickly let go of that. Just based on his actions and the seemingly healthy progression he went thru being single over the two years, at least so it seemed.

 

He was planning to go back to therapy bc he was feeling that the relationship is hard for him. He's nervous about being hurt again. Combine that with some fairly significant professional and family concerns, I was very supportive of therapy.

 

I worried that his therapist would be my ex, a therapist in our town. I never mentioned this to my BF. I thought I'd wait until he mentions the doc and if it's not, (my ex) than who cares. my ex does want me back but I am over that and never mentioned it to my BF. This really has nothing to do with it except to acknowledge I have nervousness of relationships, too. I mean who doesn't? It's not easy for anyone to put themselves back out there. I've been hurt too. I'm taking a chance here,too.

 

so the night b4 we were to have our day... Wait it goes further back than that. two nights b4, we had a good night and ended it by looking forward to the day together..... That's when the bubble burst. The night in between our dates He got drunk by himself, worked himself into an emotional tizzy and called his ex wife in the middle of the night, and screamed at her that she ruined him.

 

I can't believe he did that. I'm mad that he did that.

 

The drinking for him continued into the day, that's why he was late calling. We did not have our day. He was upset and cancelled. (Obviously) I did what I thought was right. I tried to tell him he was not a train wreck. And asked about the therapy. It is scheduled for this week. I tried my best to calm him down. He thanked me for that. Which was weird and awkward...... I got off the phone.

 

I'm sad that he is going thru this. I'm worried about what will happen or what has happened. Is he still on some kind of drinking binge? Idk. And as I mentioned I'm mad! Like why!?

 

I have been keeping myself busy. I visited my parents. I did not mention any of this. It was hard for me to put on the act. When I couldn't any longer, i made an excuse and I came home. Haven't heard from him. I have not reached out. I'm not sure I should. For one I am mad! For the other maybe he just needs some space for today.

 

This will not be resolved overnight. I'm thinking he needs to talk to that therapist and get some professional help. As for me, I gotta keep my life peaceful. I do not do well with conflict. I tend to want to help everyone with their problems, sometimes to the point, I sacrifice too much. This is difficult.

[ThatwasThen]

Well, if he's getting drunk, calling his ex wife and screaming at her that she ruined him then he's clearly not over the betrayal and then her (I'm assuming) leaving him for her affair partner. Obviously, he needs the help to come to terms with it all and Its good to hear that he's getting the professional help he needs.

 

Hopefully talking it out with a therapist will be enough to help him over the hump and he'll be open enough in mind and heart to appreciate what he has in you.

 

Don't try to fix him. Just be a good listener if he wants to talk about it.

 

Lets hope his therapist isn't your ex. (that can pose a whole nother set of problems).

[Lambert]

Well, if he's getting drunk, calling his ex wife and screaming at her that she ruined him then he's clearly not over the betrayal and then her (I'm assuming) leaving him for her affair partner. Obviously, he needs the help to come to terms with it all and Its good to hear that he's getting the professional help he needs.

 

Hopefully talking it out with a therapist will be enough to help him over the hump and he'll be open enough in mind and heart to appreciate what he has in you.

 

Don't try to fix him. Just be a good listener if he wants to talk about it.

 

Lets hope his therapist isn't your ex. (that can pose a whole nother set of problems).

 

Thanks so much for reply. I agree. It's a hurtful situation for all. He's mad at her. I'm mad at him. And like seriously, our relationship cannot thrive in the shadow of theirs. Ugh...

[Lester]

Many men brush their divorce off.

It's a denial exercise that protects their fragile self-esteem.

 

Sooner or later something breaks and they're right back in that period.

In other words, he sounds like he's starting the healing process.

 

Time does heal, but only after acceptance.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Since it's been less than a year and he drinks to cope, is not through with his ex and seems to cause turbulence rather than joy for you, it may be best to cut your losses. Don't be a martyr or a therapist. That never works.

our relationship cannot thrive in the shadow of theirs. Ugh...

[Lambert]

Many men brush their divorce off.

It's a denial exercise that protects their fragile self-esteem.

 

Sooner or later something breaks and they're right back in that period.

In other words, he sounds like he's starting the healing process.

 

Time does heal, but only after acceptance.

 

So true. Thank you for the response.

[Lambert]

Sorry to hear this. Since it's been less than a year and he drinks to cope, is not through with his ex and seems to cause turbulence rather than joy for you, it may be best to cut your losses. Don't be a martyr or a therapist. That never works.

 

That's what I'm thinking, too. Take care of myself, as that is the only person I can control. I am not eqiuped to help him. I just have to keep my life moving forward.

 

We have not talked since the event. And it being Monday morning, I am sure he is at his office working and a communication won't come. I know I won't reach out. I've kind of been focusing on my own life and keeping my inner dialogue kind to me. I keep reminding myself I'm strong. I'm better than this.

 

I'm still mad and it's like thank you dear BF for perpetuating the cycle of hurt... From her to him to now me.... I think back on the relationship and it's all a lie. The bubble has burst and that is sad. In time I'll meet someone else and hopefully be happy again.