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No matter how much time passes, nothing changes. I just want to give up.

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It's been almost a year since my ex broke up with me, and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of her. I've always suffered from severe depression, anxiety, and loneliness. When I met her everything changed, for the first time in my life I felt like I loved myself, like I was truly happy. Part of me thinks that she saved me, and that had I never met her I might have ended up committing suicide long ago.


But now I'm back into all the self-hatred, the manic depression, talking to myself like an insane person and sobbing myself to sleep every other week. There is no hope of getting her back any more, she made that very clear. And when she did I took the advice of everyone in my life and cut contact with her, though she continually tried to contact me and begged me to keep talking to her, which only made me feel worse. She would call me, text me, she even tried to come to my house, but I kept rebuffing her. Because she said she didn't want me, and I knew she didn't want me.


In the year we've been apart I've accomplished so much, I've gone back to school for a job I'm truly passionate about, gotten a much better job in the mean time, and moved away from my roommates into my own place. And yet though I recognize the accomplishments they feel hollow, I don't care about them. I can't feel pride, I feel like I don't deserve any of it. I've gone to therapy several times throughout life, and I never feel like they've ever helped me. I never felt like they actually cared about me or could relate to anything I was going through.


I've called the suicide hotline so many times out of fear that I might hurt myself, but I don't do that any more because I got so embarrassed of continuously breaking down crying on the phone with complete strangers.


No matter how much time passes, no matter how much I fill my thoughts and mind with success or hobbies or friends or family...it just never helps. I've been to therapy, I call the hotlines, I go onto the forums like these. I've even hooked up with a girl since her, and it just made me feel even worse. And I know I have to WANT to get better, and I'm trying so hard. I really feel like I am. But every time I think I'm making progress I'm reminded of her somehow, I just want to see her again. I'm so tired of breaking down crying alone in my empty apartment.


Nothing helps, and I'm getting increasingly scared I'm going to hurt myself during a weak moment. I feel like I've done everything I can do and nothing helps me. Thinking about not being alive genuinely helps me cope, it lets me know that there's always an escape from all the suffering.

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Stop beating yourself up. You want to end your life just because your ex doesn't want you? You want to kick your post breakup achievements just because your ex left you?

Now, listen about my life-

I have been failing in competitive examinations since I've finished my masters. I am 25 years old and I still don't have a job and because of that I have not yet able to cross a single thing from my bucket list. I don't know how to drive, I don't have my own personal achievements. I am not even good at single sport or game. I have a very loud and sharp irritating voice. I was also being rejected by my ex. I had also lied to people because of my failures. So that I can sound quite good to them but I hated it myself later on.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Why do want be suicidal for someone who doesn't want be loved? Why do you want to be depressive for the one who's bold enough to take a right decision for themselves?

Can't you be just smart enough to learn from their action and become the better version of yourself? Just because of a person, you want to ruin your life and disowe your achievements?

Come on kid! There are many people who've seen the worst.

Come on dust off yourself and become the awesome version of yourself. Life is beautiful! And some lessons are worth learning.

Not every loss is a loss, period!


Stay out of this relationship drama sh*t for time being. Focus on yourself and your growth. With time you'll meet your significant other. Don't forget to have faith on God loves, yourself and your loved ones.

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For me it has been just over a month since she left but I am feeling the same emotions you're feeling including the suicidal thoughts. I've been focusing on my work, rediscovering my hobbies, eating better, and going to the gym regularly but none of that external work translates to any progress internally. Suicide seems to be a viable solution in times like this because of the feeling of hopelessness and it seems to be the only way to end the pain. I have been breaking down and crying at random times of the day, every other day, and I don't know if this will end. I may be in your position 11 months from now dealing with the same problems.


But depression is also a choice. There has to be at least one person in your life whether it's a family member, friend, or co-worker who needs you around not just for their own benefit but because they genuinely love and care about you. When you leave this world you leave a huge void in their life and you cannot undo suicide. I don't know the relationship you had with your ex, but if there is any inkling of the stars lining up and her coming back to you, you are throwing away that chance if you die. Not saying this to say you should wait for her, but I'm pointing out a possible perspective.


If you speak to a psychiatrist about what you're going through, he/she may want to put you on an SSRI or DRI to help balance your brain chemicals. I was told stressful/traumatic experiences move all your serotonin or dopamine resources to one area of the brain and you may need medication to normalize things.


On a final note, if she is still contacting you, it's time to cut her off especially if she's made it clear there is no chance of reconciliation. At this point she is talking to you for her own sake so she can find closure while she does healing of her own. You are not obligated to help her heal post-breakup but I think you realize that already.

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Hey, to make you feel better this is what happened to me. After I broke up with my ex I went into absolute catastrophic meltdown. So much so that within a few short days my depression kicked back into full gear and no soon after, panic attacks. Oh man, the panic attacks. I would have them at least once per day, sometimes twice for 3-4 months! I simply wasn't getting better. Worse and worse I was getting. I read up on this and apparently the brain goes into panic mode because it thinks that we're in danger so it releases huge doses of cortisol. Cortisol is the chemical in your brain that actually is there to help you. Ya, sounds crazy but it's true. It's a fight or flight chemical. It thinks your in danger so it's your brain's way telling you to RUN! Unfortuantley it has major side effects such as panic attacks. Unfortunately it's not something that goes away in a short while. It can last for a long time. Anyway, I dealt with my panic attacks for a long time. Seemed forever when I think about it. I thought I would have to get back on medication again. I was dreading the thought. I promised myself to never get back on them from when I gave them up many years ago, but here I am at a threshold almost ready to start back up. I instead decided to go on more natural supplements so I went and got 5-HTP with vitamin B6. And although I wasn't 100% the supplements did help a little. My panic attacks were almost gone but I still was deeply, deeply depressed. After a couple months I noticed a change but I still felt that I was on the verge of an attack if I wasn't careful. So I maintained my intake of 5-HTP. Meanwhile I was bouting with the attention of my ex, which wasn't helping but every so often I would win mini battles that sorta helped me. Well, weeks turned to months and months turned to 1 year. Btw, what I missed the most was caffeine. See, before my breakup I used to look forward to my morning tea and coffee and on occasion soda but with these panic attacks I had to stop cold turkey cause they especially used to trigger my panic attacks so man did I miss drinking them. All I drank was water, had no choice. Then suddenly, I think it was like 1.3 years later, my depression just went away. I don't remember how it happened but it did. And the panic attacks completely disappeared. I literally felt myself happy again. I stopped the 5-HTP completely. Now, I'm back to my old self again. No more panic attacks. No more depression. I'm back to drinking my tea and coffees again! lol. I LOVE IT! My brain chemicals re-balanced. The cortisol has reversed and my happy chemicals came back. See, it takes time my friend. Subconsciously I was still addicted to my ex but in due time I guess my brain just gave up on the notion that I was ever to get back with her and so it left. Now, it's been 1.6 years since the breakup and I'm like 95% healed. I still think about her everyday but my obsession is literally gone. And yes, I too had many, many thoughts of suicide. But I just new in the back of my head that that was the absolute worse options. For one thing you can't be selfish because you have family and friends who love you, even though you think you might not have relationships with them. If you do anything to yourself to harm yourself for good, like death, well, it will absolutely devastate them. So, essentially you're destroying other people's lives for a problem that will soon self fix. Just be patient brotha. It's all about time. Time is the ONLY heal. Time is your only way out of this hell hole. Until then just deal with the depression and panic attacks. Deal with the constant thoughts. Deal with the constant comparisons. Deal with the constant memories. Deal with the constant regrets and self-blaming. Deal with the shouldas, couldas. Just DEAL with it. Eventually, you will win. Please believe me. I did it and so will YOU.

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I would encourage you to find someone or something to take care of. Adopt an abused pet. Become a mentor to an impoverished child. Tutor at a school for disabled kids. Volunteer to pack meals for the homeless. Go to a cancer unit and visit with sick children. Read to blind kids. Go to a vet hospital and volunteer. Call a school and offer to pay overdue lunch fees for children who have parents who can't afford to feed them. Go to a church and offer to pick up trash or clean windows. Go to an AA meeting and just listen and then give some money to help keep the meetings going.


Get out of your head. Go do something that will make you realize you are needed. Go give some love to someone who is worse off than you.


There are people living under bridges. They would love to be in a warm house with food heartbroken like us.


I'm not saying that your problems aren't real. I'm giving you a way out. A way to help others and help yourself.


I know it hurts. It's excruciating. It's the worst pain. But it is not worth ending your life over. No person is worth your life, My Friend.


Sending you light and love.

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