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been feeling weird about getting back on the dating scene


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I've been single for a few months and i'm slowly emerging from being under that "i want to be back with my ex" shadow. It feels great. I've no ill feelings for her. I've those minute feelings of panic and shizz once in a while, but overall i'm slowly moving on and it feels great.


anyway, i've been feeling a bit weird about the dating scene lately. I feel like, there's no one for me out there. I know I know, there's plenty of fish in the sea and i'm no stranger to this. it's not the shortage of available women or sex or lovers that i crave. it's partnership.


Up to my recent ex, i never really thought of how I am as a partner or how i contribute to my relationships. Countless lovers and exes have come and gone, and up to this point (i'll call my most recent ex, LC for Life Changer) i operated under the presumption that I'm in the right, that I'm not wrong for feeling or acting a certain way. I was selfish to LC. I was selfish with my love. Granted, i wasn't a bad person, but how i acted during the relationships i've had didn't do much to make my partner feel better. With LC, it just drove a knife down her heart to create an irreversible, deep wound that ultimately caused us to break up.


It set me on a path of self reflection. I joined a gym, do yoga (although, i've to do it more consistently), eat healthy foods and started to travel more. I started to think of how I am to my partners and relationships, i know i can do better with my partners this time around. it's self evident with my non romantic relationships. I've grown closer to my friends than i have ever been.


Now, for whatever reason i'm starting to feel dread or anxiety. I know anxiety over this is a completely unnecessary feeling but it's there, and here i am writing my feelings off. I'm not completely devoid of social interactions. i date, and have a few non-serious relationships that I would see from time to time. However, I think i'm ready to be with someone whom i could share a life with on a more serious level, I'm throwing it out there, universe! The people whom I date are a short one quality or another and it's just not hitting the mark for me.


The other thing is, on the slim chance that I do meet someone i want to see, i get this weird feeling that I'm not good enough all of a sudden. With the people whom i'm not serious with, it works. I'm not overly well traveled but I have been in certain places. I've got a higher education and use it in a moderately thriving career. It's enough. i'm good at what i do. I'm also very self sufficient. I live alone, do my own laundry, cook my own dinners (my friends want me to go to cooking school to pursue a career in cooking), take care of plants and 2 loving dogs. I camp, i'm failry active and I do have a nerdy side. I'm a funny mfker. I'm pretty good with my roots and respect those who are older than me.


The other night i went out with this one girl. One whom i'm fairly interested in potentially seeing. But, since i like her, self doubt kicks in. I get wobbly dobbly and keep second guessing myself. i tend to settle for fixer uppers because well, i feel less intimidated by them, honestly. (sorry for being blunt)



anyone feeling the same way? what do you do?

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yea! that's my problem. the one's i get interested in, i act hecka dumb. all my game goes out the window!


And no, i didn't mean it like that, no. I see the general goodness of people. I really do. I love people and their energy in general.


what i meant by fixer uppers are the ones who actually have issues that make it difficult for them to sustain relationships themselves, create drama and difficulty; the ones who aren't etablished; the ones who have substance issues.


Sorry. Oh god, i didnt mean to sound judgemental! I'm the furthest from it, i swear! i only mentioned such to describe my situation. I'm so sorry :(



.... i don't think i can say anything else to get the foot out of my mouth, can i?

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