My wife and I are newly married and we're having terrible fights

[zeffirelli89]

My wife and I got married in October. Before we got married for almost our entire relationship, we've been having fights almost every other week. Many of them ended in me blowing up and throwing things or punching walls. For about 4 weeks before the wedding we were doing well and things seemed to be getting better. I really felt like we were making some progress and better able to communicate. Shortly after our marriage the fights started again and we seemed to get into a cycle of almost getting in a big fight every week. I have been going to therapy to try and deal with my anger issues and it seemed to be working for a while, but last night we got into another blow out fight. I threw a glass against the wall and put another hole in it. We get in screaming matches often over things when I feel that my wife is trying to control how I act or what I do. For example, I wanted to go to a brew festival, but my wife thinks that i've been spending too much money on beer and activities that don't always involve her. After she expressed her frustration about money, I texted my friends that I was supposed to be going to the event with and told them I didn't think I could go because money is tight and we need to save. My wife got mad at me for jumping to conclusions instead of talking to her and taking action without having a conversation about the whole situation. I told her that she seemed upset and clearly didn't want me to spend money on the beer festival so I don't understand why now it became something we need to talk about. I thought it was clear that It was going to upset her if I spent money on it. Anyway, from there things escalated. I called her names and we were yelling at each other all night. I'm lost on what to do from here. I feel terrible about the whole situation, but it keeps happening. I don't know what to do to solve our issues. It seems like we've passed the point of no return and now I'm thinking that getting married might have been a mistake.

[ControlDenied]

Look, you both are in trouble but you are seeking help and that is very positive.

Understand this, you will need to upgrade yourself to husband 2.0 and your spouse to wife 2.0 in order to make it work.

That is the only solution.

What upgrade??? Where to adjust??? That is a journey that you both need to do together! Don’t try to fix her. Work as a team. My advice is that you both read and re-read until you memorize the book ‘Non-Violent Communication’ by Marshall Rosenberg. He is the Yoda of Communication... learn only from the best.

[Seraphim]

Throwing things and punching walls is abusive. Time to get help.

[DaisyMayPorter]

When you were getting into fights all during your relationship, did you ever think it was unhealthy? I just don't understand how you could have big blow out fights every other week and still get engaged and still get married. It's great that you are going for anger management therapy, but it doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for marriage. Sorry to say. As for spending too much on beer - are you drinking all the time and that's what is causing these fights? Or does she mean you spend too much going out? Either way, I don't think you two were ready for marriage, and should probably spend time apart working on yourself.

[Imho]

You're in therapy so I'm sure you know punching and throwing things is not a healthy way to express yourself.

 

I'm wondering if she was more upset about you Not including her than actually spending the money.

 

Instead of instantly engaging with her have you tried walking away and having the conversation at a later time when there is less tension?

If things start getting heated again just walk away again. Don't engage.

 

What does your therapist suggest and is your wife attending also attending therapy? It needs to be worked on from both ends.

[zeffirelli89]

Thank you for your insight. I'm not drinking a lot, more that I like collecting craft beer, which can be an expensive habit. We got engaged and were engaged for over a year before getting married. We went back and forth about a month before the marriage trying to figure out whether or not we wanted to go through with it. We didn't want to give up on the relationship and didn't want to quit. I agree with you that we aren't ready for marriage. This isn't what I imagined a marriage to be and I don't want to continue being in a relationship that is going to be abusive and constantly fighting. We made the commitment to each other though, and I feel like I can't give up without putting my all in trying to fix our problems.

[zeffirelli89]

Imho, when I try walking away from the fights, often my wife will accuse me of walking out when I don't like what is being said to me. Which, then I feel that I need to continue talking to her regardless of whether or not we're yelling. That often creates the escalation. I feel guilty leaving the fight when she has expressed to me that when I walk away it feels that I don't care and that I'm just walking away when I can't handle whats being said to me. The accusation of me walking away makes me feel guilty, which makes me anxious, and puts me in some kind of panic mode. Fight or flight. I feel like i'm stuck staying there talking to her, even when sometimes i know the best thing is to walk away.

 

My wife is not going to therapy with me, I have suggested going to therapy and she is open to it, but her schedule at work does not leave much time to come with me. It's been difficult to find a therapist on Monday nights, the only night during the week that she is available for counseling. My therapist has been working with me to be more aware of my feelings coming on. Instead of letting them continue to stew to recognize and walk away when I feel them coming on. There was a good 6 weeks up until last night, that we were doing well and i felt more in control of my rage and outburst. I felt I was able to remain calm, however, last night they surfaced again and I lost control.

[melancholy123]

I think you should keep on with your anger management therapy plus sign up for individual and couples marriage therapy. You two do not seem to communicate very well at all.

[Lester]

"I'm not drinking a lot,..."

- I find that a little to hard to believe.

 

If you want to stay married, stop drinking and stop arguing.

When she talks, listen, nod, rub your chin and think about what she just said. Unless absolutely necessary don't react or respond. Instead, take quiet deep breaths and keep listening. She will most likely throw even more irritating barbs at you. Repeat the above. (Why you may think? She has bad habits too)

 

If you don't want to be married to her, just keep doing what your doing, she'll take care of the rest.

 

 

PS, For any of my suggestions work, you must be sober, and not just when your home! Sober is your brain. Brains don't change in just few hours.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with this. Just because it's dressed up as 'brew festivals' and 'craft beer' it doesn't mean that alcohol isn't significantly contributing to your problem.

One day a shard of glass will hit her when you are raging and arguing about your drinking....Then you'll be in jail.:nightmare:

"I'm not drinking a lot,..."

- I find that a little to hard to believe.

[zeffirelli89]

"I'm not drinking a lot,..."

- I find that a little to hard to believe.

 

If you want to stay married, stop drinking and stop arguing.

When she talks, listen, nod, rub your chin and think about what she just said. Unless absolutely necessary don't react or respond. Instead, take quiet deep breaths and keep listening. She will most likely throw even more irritating barbs at you. Repeat the above. (Why you may think? She has bad habits too)

 

If you don't want to be married to her, just keep doing what your doing, she'll take care of the rest.

 

 

PS, For any of my suggestions work, you must be sober, and not just when your home! Sober is your brain. Brains don't change in just few hours.

 

Thanks for your advice. I will say that I am not a drinker, and I wouldn't say that i have a problem with alcohol. Though I will admit as it is related to alcohol it can be a problem and eventually turn into more than just a "hobby." I agree with your advice and think that it takes a lot of patience in order to allow this to work. My rage is a problem and I am working to try to find the root cause of it. I want to continue to being married to her, and your advice is well taken. Thank you.