Got dumped? Maybe this could help you!

[Morello]

Hi friends

 

We're always trying to find new ways to cope with a break up. Most people here are dumpees that want to move on while still holding onto hope to get the ex back. I've been reading this forum a lot and watching videos about the psychology of break ups and healing. I thought of the following, please jump in to comment or refute my 'theory':

 

Let's assume your ex broke up with you and you have at least a little interest in rekindling your relationship. What if I told you your ex is going to revisit the idea of getting back to you in 6 months? In reality, it appears that most dumpers do this at some point. I'm using the 6 months mark as an example. And it also appears that the majority of dumpers do initiate some sort of contact with dumpees later on, especially when NC is in place.

 

Now I'm not saying this contact is an attempt to get back together. They most likely will use an indirect approach, such as "How's that cute little dog of yours going?" or "Did you manage to get that job you we're hoping to get?", or even "what's the name of that movie we watched that time at your house?". Most people get a cold "happy birthday". The reason being, they fear rejection like anybody else. If they are indeed interested in getting back together, they wanna test the waters first. See your reaction. If not, they might be guilty or just bored. But still wanna test your reaction. Get something out of you. See if you are still the old clingy and desperate or arrogant cocky person. Obviously there's a chance they will never be in touch with you again, but for the purpose of this exercise, let's assume they will. Because chances are they will. And you're going to use that little hope of yours as your main motivator.

 

So, again, let's assume it's been 6 months since the break up. And let's assume you did what some people call active NC, which is working hard on yourself, becoming better. Let's say you did all of this for one and only reason. That when you see or talk to your ex again, they see how much of a better person you have become. You will obviously just act cool and just say you're working on yourself. But deep inside you know you're doing all of this to reattract them. Doesn't matter as long as they don't know. Stuff you might have done:

 

At the physical level: you started working out or practicing more sports. You started a diet. You got great results because you wanted to show your ex a new and more physically attractive version of yourself.

At the professional level: you either got a new job or got a promotion. If not, you can be proud of telling how you changed your approach to get better at what you're doing. Or how much of an extra effort you have been putting in getting a new job or opening a new business.

At the emotional level: you read books on self-growth, perhaps started doing therapy. You assessed what went wrong in your relationship, identified problems and have been working on them. You found new ways to cope with anxiety (meditation, for example), which is seen by some as the major cause of most break ups.

At the spiritual level: you used your time alone to think about your life purpose, how you can be more positive, less attached to outcomes, less worried, less stressed, more of a positive person to be around.

At the personal level: you started a new hobbie or got better at an old one. You started doing something different. You decided to cycle to work instead of catching the train. You decided to wake up earlier. You decided go on a travel alone, maybe for the first time. You decided to stop smoking.

 

Now an important issue here is that the stuff you decided to improve on are things that YOU think are important. You're not gonna impress your ex by doing things they find interesting or important, except for the parts that were directly related to the break up. You're gonna impress them by improving on things YOU find relevant. They will see you as independent and goal-driven. Your ex doesn't want you to become a buddy with same interests. They want a confident and valuable partner.

 

After working hard on yourself during those 6 months (again, as an example), you have obviously become a much better version of yourself. You did it hard, because you knew you had only 6 months. You did some hardcore stuff. You were not joking around. You will be feeling like you're moving forward, regardless of feeling like you're not moving on. You may still love your ex deeply but you will have that great feeling of completeness because you are achieving some goals. Regardless of how hopeless you think your situation with your ex is, you're holding to that 0.01% of hope your ex will contact you again. You don't care how little your chances may be, you wanna be prepared. You don't want to blow your chance when and if you have one. And chances are you might have a chance to at least chat a bit with them again. It could be in 6 months. It could be more. It could be less, so you need to spend as much energy as you can (and have time to) becoming better at many of those levels, as quickly as possible. The more you work, the quicker you become better.

 

Now, after 6 months since you started making all these beautiful life changes, one of these things will happen (or have happened):

 

1) Your ex contacts you. They're desperate for a chance to get back to you. They don't even know the changes you made. Great, right? You will be in a much more confident position to deal with the new relationship. Go and grabd what is yours!

 

2) Your ex contacts you. They wanna meet up and catch up. You set a date. When you meet, you don't brag about the new you. You wait for them to notice. You answer questions. Some changes will be visible. Some won't. You slowly let them discover the new you. If you did your work right, you will be more confident and this will help.

 

3) Your ex throws what people call a bread crumb. An 'indirect' approach. You answer politely without any rush. You're not desperate. You have become better, you are more fit and more confident. More attractive. You still love them, but after all this work on yourself, you have slowly started to realise you have other options. They might not be better options than your ex but now you know you won't be alone forever as you thought after the break up. If you respond, and they never respond again, you leave it there. If they contact you again, good. If not, you keep working on yourself. At this point, you'll be the best judge wehter you still have hope to get back together or if you think your chances are now 0. Either way, you keep working on yourself. It's easier now. You know how to do it. You've been doing it for 6 months and are probably enjoying seeing your new self. This will work for you, either if you ex re contacts you in the future or to attract a new partner when you feel ready.

 

4) Your ex gets in touch and even set up a date. But they still don't wanna be together. They might have someone else already and just want to be friends. Or just wanna see how you're doing to alleviate guilt. Or just curious, that's likely. Humans are curious. Very curious. You're gonna judge whether you wanna keep seeing them as friends. Probably not. But you'll be a much better of you than the one they dumped. And, boy, this won't give them a good feeling at all. Do you remember when you saw an ex again after sometime and this ex has become more good looking, confident than when they were with you? Regardless of wanting them again or not, it gives you a bitter taste. Your ex will probably feel bad that you have become better after the relationship. It will give them a feeling like they were the problem. They will feel they were what was keeping you from becoming great, hampering your true potential. At least it will give them a bitter taste of not being with you when you were at your best. They had a second division of you. Whoever you attract now will have the new you, which they didn't have a chance to have. Your best is saved for someone else now. A bit of revenge, why not?

 

4) Now, there's a chance they won't contact you. Ever. Again. Nope. Scary, right? You can cling onto hope for another 6 months and use that hope to keep improving. But the reality is, after 6 months of NC and if you really put that extra effort in becoming better, it's unlikely that you haven't started to move on. You still think about them, but now you value yourself more. You start to feel worthy again. You feel that you deserve to be happy again. You deserve to attract someone again. You did all this work and you're probably at one of the best versions of yourself since you were born. Or at least that's how you will see it, because the break up trauma helped you see life diferently. You can take a hit and now you know it! You'll see things with more optmism. You 'used' your ex to become better. The one who messed up with your life is the same one who, indirectly, gave you strenght to get out of the rock bottom and becoming a 2.0 version of you, built on previous experiences. Never better.

 

Possibly the only great thing about being dumped is that it gives you a kick in the butt and makes you realise you need to change. Either to get back with your ex or reattract a new partner. If you just stay miserable and not work on yourslef, chances are neither of them will happen. Sometimes it takes weeks, or months, but at some point we all realise we need to take action. It's probably hard to think this way right after a break up. Don't worry, take your time. But know that clock is ticking. Your ex might get in touch in one or two months. The harder you work, the better are your chances for them to see you improved. Maybe not much, but who cares. What is important here is to show them you CAN improve. And that you will keep improving, because now you know how it's done!

 

Your ex might be in touch tomorrow, in 6 months, or never. You don't know. No one knows. Not even them. The universe has its funny ways and I personally think that if it's meant to be, it will be. But if and when they do contact you, you wanna show them you have improved. This will give you bargaining power. They will know that they are not your only option anymore. They will know that regardless of still loving them, you can and are slowly moving on. Isn't this a great feeling? They might not like the feeling though, I tell you

 

If nothing else, after 6 months of working hard on yourself, you may think you deserve someone better, as you have yourself become better. Trust me, this will be a liberating feeling. And the first step to a bright future. Go and grab what is yours. You deserve it.

[SweetGirl28]

Right. Or they get back in contact, and then you, as the dumpee, end up blocking them

because they want to play little mind games with you, with no intent of being together again.

 

If it takes an ex that long to contact you again, why bother returning a message?

Best case scenario, the dumpee has already moved on and feels indifferent, and does not respond.

[wgmitch]

This is really great and a good motivational read. Thanks for taking the time to share. No Contact is your time to improve, it's your power over a seemingly powerless situation.

 

My ex contacted me after almost 4 months of NC. we got together and she said everything I wanted to hear. When she saw me without my shirt on (yep we slept together as she requested) she said "man you are ripped! I liked it when you were fat, it took the pressure off." Two days later she told me she wanted to date me and other men. Moral of my story is my ex is a complete and utter narcissist, egotistical maniac, bordering on a sociopath and a**h***! ;-)

 

Do no break No Contact even if they contact you, it doesn't work. Even if the remote chance that you get back together, you will be walking on egg shells waiting for them to dump you again. Trust me.

 

I have recently met a wonderful person that loves the fact that I'm ripped and that I've taken good care of myself.

 

Mitch v2.0

[Elavohra]

LOL 😄 since I know my ex is never ever going to call me or talk to me, I don't care to make any improvements for him. Once an ex is always an ex.

Anyway, I just loved reading it and I truly believe in working upon yourself, improving yourself is always good. Yes, I myself seeing changes in me. And when changes are positive I appreciate the break up happened. And I am glad being dumped, I am glad that I had to go through the pain of separation.

I am glad I am changing affirmatively. 😇

[sputnik123]

Mitch v2.0 is the man!

 

Great read Morello

[hawk2347]

It's anybody's guess. I walked away to deal with some family issues she never gave me the space I asked for there was no NC. I went back with her urging 3 months later to find out there was a "friend" who meant nothing. She got rid of him and we were together for exactly one month I thought all was well. One day she said I made a mistake I do have feelings for him I didn't think I did. Now I'm out I'm a strong believer in things happen for a reason, sometimes there just isn't an answer. I'm still hopeful someday things will work out for us but right now as hard as it is I have to move on plain and simple. The worst part is she put him down in so many ways and told me how much better I was but yet he's with her and I'm not. I have begun seeing someone in a very casual way but its not the same.

[Sweet Sue]

Great advice, Morello! Thanks for sharing :-)

[Freefrost]

My break up is still pretty fresh (a little over a month ago), but I'm already getting to the point where I don't think I'd take her back assuming she ever would contact me. I'd need a lot of answers and a lot of time to even consider it.

 

She was "with" a new guy who lives 4+ hours away days after breaking up. A mixture of GIGS and rebounding I suppose but after 5 years to end it the way she did was so dirty. It was a complete secret and I called her out on it then got blocked everywhere lol. It'd be one thing if we had a toxic relationship but aside from the last few months (distance) it was a great relationship.

 

Every situation is different, but I've learned never to wait for them, ever! Assume they're married or moved away with that person.

 

Set short and long term goals to motivate yourself and keep you focused elsewhere. I've lost 25lbs, have a new job lined up and am hoping to move to a new city (ex never wanted to) next year.

 

If they do come back make them work for it; they're the ones that created the situation. Don't settle, either. If you plan to move to a new city or do something different with your life don't stop just because they all of a sudden have regrets. Give them an ultimatum and if they don't choose you again the picture should become clear.