My boyfriend is making me feel guilty about wanting to breakup

[madelinery]

Hello this is my first time posting to this forum and I am in desperate need for advice. Let me preface this by asking to excuse my grammar mistakes and messy writing.

 

I am a 18 year old senior girl in high school. Some information about me to better understand my situation is I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder and major depressive disorder. I have had relationships before, but they have either ended awfully or we weren’t very serious. I am in a relationship ship now, and have been for about 4 months, and it’s the first serious relationship that I’ve been in. My parents love him and he is a very nice and likeable guy. Now here’s the problem:

 

My boyfriend and I met at the beginning of the school year. He had an awful break up over the summer over text and I had been cheated on over the summer. After being flirty friends for a week he decided that he was ready to start dating, and I thought I was too, but I don’t think I was ready in the way he wanted. He explained what a relationship to him, which is being committed completely to each other like we’re married, I felt uncomfortable, but I thought I could do that for him. At first I thought what he meant by dating is going on a couple dates and then deciding if we should further the relationship to boyfriend/girlfriend status, but after a couple days he called me his girlfriend and I felt uncomfortable but didn’t tell him. Two weeks later he told me he loved me, I was uncomfortable once again and didn’t say it back. A couple days later he explained what love meant to him. He said he feels one kind of love for everyone. He feels the same love for his friends as he feels for a partner. I was a little weirded out but stayed quiet. 1st mistake on my part: staying quiet.

 

For the first month things went at a slower pace and I felt comfortable. Then him and his dad found out that their mom/ wife cheated on his dad and things went downhill. His parents would fight and yell almost every night, so doing what I do best I comforted my boyfriend throughout that time and having him over all the time. He started coming over uninvited. By helping him I pushed away my mental health problems. My 2nd mistake.

 

Throughout that time he would come over every single day after school and I didn’t have much time to myself or to think and being an introvert made it very hard on me. Also there were some days where he would just be sad and I couldn’t do anything so that would bring my mood down and it effected my mental health greatly. This happens all the time. He’s just sad.

 

Finally after 2 months of this, in October, I set some boundaries to help with my mental health. I said that I can’t help him because I need to help myself and I’m not mature enough to be his only support. He took it well and gave me space. But he still had random bursts of sadness where he wouldn’t talk to me while we were together. I also noticed that when I’m not around or at school because of doctors appointments he seems happier and when I come back his mood goes down. I asked my friend and she said she noticed it too.

 

I confronted him about it and he said there were things that I would do/say that would upset him and he would get stuck in his own mind thinking and analyzing what it was that I did. So I tried to do better as a girlfriend.

 

Another problem we have is that earlier in the relationship I loved cuddling and holding hands and stuff like that, but I soon got extremely uncomfortable and I dont know why. I took the Love language test and I was a 0 on physical touch. My boyfriend is all physical touch. We decided that he would not be extremely physical so I was comfortable and when he needed comfort I would cuddle with him on the couch even if I was extremely uncomfortable. He was very understanding and felt bad if he made me uncomfortable.

 

I think I have fallen out of love with him. I don’t feel the same I used to. I don’t think I was ready, mature enough, and mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. Keep in mind it has only been 4 months.

 

I told him I thought we needed to take a break and he convinced me to not think like that and kept on talking about commitment like we are married. We are still in high school, I’m not ready to think like that. After talking with my friend she said I needed to express more of my thoughts.

 

Today at lunch we started talking and I brought up taking a break and explained that I don’t think I have romantic feelings for him anymore and that I wasn’t ready for the relationship he was asking for. He started to guilt me by saying he explained it from the beginning and that I knew what he wanted I tried to communicate that back then I thought I was ready. He kept on asking me to not do this because he needs something stable in his life, that he can rely and that we just need time to think and we should just throw this away. He also kind of blamed my bipolar disorder. He also mentioned something that he has sacrificed for me by not having a lot of physical touch and by giving me time alone for my mental health. I just want a fun/carefree relationship, because I’m still young, and he can’t give that to me. I feel like he is guilting me into staying with him and I feel awful.

 

Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. If there are any questions I can try to elaborate or explain answers that are needed Thank you in advance.

-Maddy

[abitbroken]

The best advice i can give is to be firm. Of course, anyone that someone is breaking up with wants to convince the other person to stay. Yes, you did know what he wanted from the beginning, but even when people want the same things, they can decide the other person is not the right person (i.e. two people can both want marriage but they find that they are not the right person to marry). Do you have friends you can sit with at lunch? Sit with them so he can't sit with you - and keep reinforcing that its over. He is confused and grieving about his parents and is trying to hold on. I am glad you are doing what is best for you - just be strong.

[madelinery]

Thank you for the advice :). In your opinion is there anyway to still be friends with him? I don’t want to abandon him completely because of what he is going through.

[abitbroken]

Thank you for the advice :). In your opinion is there anyway to still be friends with him? I don’t want to abandon him completely because of what he is going through.

 

You can't be friends with him because he has feelings for you. "Friends" works if you go out with someone and after a date or two, you realize you feel more like brother and sister and you BOTH feel the same. A friendship cannot happen at this time with him.

I don’t want to abandon him completely because of what he is going through.

 

Nip this thought in the bud. it leads to codependency. He is not going to be abandoned. he has school counselors, friends, teachers, relatives, etc -

[madelinery]

Thank you for your advice :)

[MissCanuck]

No, you won't be able to remain friends right now.

 

He doesn't recognize and respect appropriate boundaries and is only really looking out for himself and what he wants. As such, you are likely to be railroaded again into more of a commitment than you want if you offer friendship. It is not your responsibility to rescue him from himself or an unhappy home life, though it is obvious you care about him and don't want to see him suffer. But what he expects of you is unrealistic and unhealthy at your ages and in your mental health condition. Talking about a marriage-like commitment at just 18 years old and 4 months is ridiculous, though I imagine he does this in an attempt to get you to stay in his life and grasp at some sense of stability. But that's not a healthy approach to relationships. It suffocates the life right out of them, as you're seeing now. Friendship isn't going to work under these circumstances, either, as he'll continue to guilt you and depend on you. He first needs to learn to be happy on his own.

 

You are going to need to be very firm with him and tell him you are ending the relationship. He won't like this and won't let go easily, but you need to do it for your own well-being.

[catfeeder]

We all need to play the role of 'bad guy' to end relationships that aren't working for us, and most of us will encounter people who try to manipulate us with guilt or anything else that will 'work'. You may as well consider this s learning experience, because staying trapped in bad relationships to avoid feeling lousy about breakups means you're not mature enough yet to handle relationships.

[No1]

You are getting some good advice. Simply put, you two are on two different planes when it comes to what you want in a relationship. I think your BF wants to balance his chi. His parents don't have a stable relationship so he is using you to fill in that part. And you want to have fun and keep things light. Two different levels.

If you give in to the guilt, this is what will happen. You are very in tuned with where you are. You are very aware of the now and that is great. So if you give in to guilt, you are going to try your best to be a good GF, but eventually the anger from giving in is going to bubble up to the top and its going to cause problems because you are going to take it out on your BF. The end result will be a break up.

If he doesn't use guilt, he might use reasoning, bargain with you, maybe get mad, make you think of the past and say we can have this again. He is going to use all types as long as you are being nice and there. Eventually it is going to frustrate you. As Catfeeder said, you just need to be the bad guy.

In the end, he will find someone who he needs but right now you are not that person. He is not what you need. Breaking up is the best thing to happen to the both of you.