Ended it while we were happy

[STL]

Hey guys, I just went through a breakup and I don't know what to do. Sorry about the huge post. I was just in the best relationship of my life. Both me and my boyfriend were. Let's call him D. We had the best connection to each other and were both very happy together. We are both in our twenties and I thought this guy was going to be the one I ended up marrying and he told me the same thing a week or two before we broke up.

 

I've known that he's been struggling with bipolar depression for quite a while. There was recently something that happened to a family member of his which sent him on a downward spiral and he ended up breaking up with me about a month and a half ago. His reasoning was that he cared way too much about me to see our relationship go to while he was busy dealing with his own issues. He said he couldn't give me the affection and care that I deserve and didn't want to make his issues my issues. While he was breaking up with me, he said he really wants to see us get back together and that he would be sad if I just stopped talking to him. So I stayed around because I wanted to be there for him through this rough time. We would still tell each other 'I love you' and acted as if nothing happened.

 

Now, I feel like I'm pushing him away and I'm not sure how or why. We don't talk as much or as in depth as before and the breakup has been eating away at me. I couldn't stand to not talk to him every day. It would be a different story if we ended on bad terms, but we didn't. I know the fact that he is seeming distant is due to what he is going through, but I can't help but to feel like I am doing something wrong too. He is hesitant to see me in person and he just doesn't seem the same anymore. I'm not sure exactly how I should talk to him, which does seem stupid, given the fact that we had such a good connection and communication before.

 

I confided in a friend of both me and D, J, telling him that I'm in a very low point of my life too, who then turned and told D that I said D was treating me badly. This made him mad at me for sucking him into drama that he has no energy to deal with and that made things worse. All of our friends (we have the same friends) have told him that it was stupid of him to break up with me, someone who they thought would be there for him 100% of the time. His reasoning is always, "well they don't know what's going through my head. I'm sure it makes no sense to you." I keep hearing from them as well that they think we will get back together, but I'm just so unsure about everything.

 

How do I help him? How do I understand exactly what's going on? Or how should I even deal with this? It's eating me alive. He's too special to me to let go. He is perfect to me, and I know he cares about me the same. It's all just confusing. Again, sorry about the long text.

[reinventmyself]

How do I help him? How do I understand exactly what's going on? Or how should I even deal with this? It's eating me alive. He's too special to me to let go. He is perfect to me, and I know he cares about me the same. It's all just confusing. Again, sorry about the long text.

 

But you are broken up.

Daily communication, understanding and caring goes hand in hand with a relationship.

You are no longer in a relationship with this man and grasping to have all these things in spite of the obvious is only going to continue to torment you.

He doing what I would call a slow fade and hoping you won't notice.

 

He needs to help himself. That's why he ended it. He likely cares about you but you need to take him at his word that it's over. He is not your responsibility.

 

If there was any chance of this working out sometime in the future, it would be after he gets a handle on his issues and realizes that in your absence, life is better with you than without you. He will never experience that if you are up in his business and trying to rescue him.

At this point, he let you go and is willing to risk losing you. This is the reality of what you have.

 

Staying in limbo, holding his hand and consoling him through his break with you . . . that he instigated, bytheway,is ridiculous.

You remain available, while he weans himself from you. Add in you are willing to put yourself on shelf and taken down if he changes his mind.

 

He broke up with you. Do both of you a favor and discover what it feels like to be detached from a relationship that no longer exists.

That will either motivate him to come back and/or help you on your way to healing and moving on.

Right now there is no motivation for him to work on himself or change. Why would he. He pushed you away but has you at his beckon call.

At the rate you are going you likely end up resenting him. Why not leave now before it turns sideways?

 

And along the way he looses respect for you because you are willing to be demoted to his therapist and buddy.

You want his respect? Tell him that you are respecting his decision and walking away. Tell him to get in touch with you in the event he works out his stuff and changes his mind. Until then you need to take care of you.

[iamwaffles]

I've been through something almost exactly like this! In fact, I'm still going through it. What seemed to work for me in getting closer to him again is not necessarily looking at him as a guy who was your boyfriend and love very much, but rather a friend who is hurting. Because that's kinda what you are right now: just friends. It sucks, but it's gotta be accepted. Hurting people cope in very different ways. Some people push away the ones they love most while trying to conceal all weaknesses as much as possible. Some go towards other people for help. It sounds like D doesn't. I would say be there for him, but don't be hanging all over him. Text him as much as he texts you. If you know he is having an especially rough day, let him know you're there to talk, but don't try to force anything from him. Sometimes when someone is constantly there when they're trying to push people away, it makes them angry at that person or annoyed with them. Best of luck, I hope you get back together

[Starlight925]

But you are broken up.

Daily communication, understanding and caring goes hand in hand with a relationship.

You are no longer in a relationship with this man and grasping to have all these things in spite of the obvious is only going to continue to torment you.

 

He needs to help himself. That's why he ended it. He likely cares about you but you need to take him at his word that it's over. He is not your responsibility.

 

If there was any chance of this working out sometime in the future, it would be after he gets a handle on his issues and realizes that in your absence, life is better with you than without you. He will never experience that if you are up in his business and trying to rescue him.

At this point, he let you go and is willing to risk losing you. This is the reality of what you have.

 

Staying in limbo, holding his hand and consoling him through his break with you . . . that he instigated, bytheway,is ridiculous.

You remain available, while he weans himself from you. Add in you are willing to put yourself on shelf and taken down if he changes his mind.

 

He broke up with you. Do both of you a favor and discover what it feels like to be detached from a relationship that no longer exists.

That will either motivate him to come back and/or help you on your way to healing and moving on.

Right now there is no motivation for him to work on himself or change. Why would he. He pushed you away but has you at his beckon call.

 

And along the way he looses respect for you because you are willing to be demoted to his therapist and buddy.

You want his respect? Tell him that you are respecting his decision and walking away. Tell him to get in touch with you in the event he works out his stuff and changes his mind. Until then you need to take care of you.

 

This is all great advice, particularly the bolded.

 

I'm sorry he felt the need to leave you, but he's doing you a favor, I promise. He knows he needs help, and he'll hopefully get it. You can move on, get back into the swing of your own life, and if you find each other again, it will be from a much healthier place.

[DanZee]

It's difficult dealing with someone who is bipolar. Ultimately, it's in the hands of the bipolar person to work on his illness and take his meds. One of the big triggers is stress in their lives, so what your boyfriend has said about getting stressed rings true. And pushing you away is part of the illness too.

 

What you can do is be around and be available. Hopefully, if your bf pulls out of the depression, he may seek you out again. Also get him to go out and do things rather than hide away in his home. If he doesn't want to do it with you, then do it in a group to get him out of the house. Get his friends to hang out with him and distract him until he can recover himself. That's about all you can do until he's more himself.

[pippy longstocking]

Sadly many people fool themselves into thinking the person who just dumped them out of their lives , then wants love and support ...and the person who got dumped then breaks a leg to be therapist , confidant , best friend and go to person in an emergency and the realty is ...they don't want that , that's why they end it .

[Annia]

But you are broken up.

Daily communication, understanding and caring goes hand in hand with a relationship.

You are no longer in a relationship with this man and grasping to have all these things in spite of the obvious is only going to continue to torment you.

He doing what I would call a slow fade and hoping you won't notice.

 

He needs to help himself. That's why he ended it. He likely cares about you but you need to take him at his word that it's over. He is not your responsibility.

 

If there was any chance of this working out sometime in the future, it would be after he gets a handle on his issues and realizes that in your absence, life is better with you than without you. He will never experience that if you are up in his business and trying to rescue him.

At this point, he let you go and is willing to risk losing you. This is the reality of what you have.

 

Staying in limbo, holding his hand and consoling him through his break with you . . . that he instigated, bytheway,is ridiculous.

You remain available, while he weans himself from you. Add in you are willing to put yourself on shelf and taken down if he changes his mind.

 

He broke up with you. Do both of you a favor and discover what it feels like to be detached from a relationship that no longer exists.

That will either motivate him to come back and/or help you on your way to healing and moving on.

Right now there is no motivation for him to work on himself or change. Why would he. He pushed you away but has you at his beckon call.

At the rate you are going you likely end up resenting him. Why not leave now before it turns sideways?

 

And along the way he looses respect for you because you are willing to be demoted to his therapist and buddy.

You want his respect? Tell him that you are respecting his decision and walking away. Tell him to get in touch with you in the event he works out his stuff and changes his mind. Until then you need to take care of you.

 

Amen. A 100% this.

[katrina1980]

Amen. A 100% this.

 

I agree. Good stuff reinvent. Spot on!