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I don’t know what to do


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Hi there,


This is my first time posting on here. But I feel on the verge of a breakdown and need some voices from the outside.


2 and a half years ago, my mum passed away. I was 23 at the time, I’ve just turned 26. I was with my boyfriend, let’s call him J, and have been ever since. We’ve been together for 4 and a half years now. When my mum passed away, it was very sudden, very unexpected, she had a cardiac arrest and died within minutes and I was the one that found her. Afterwards, I chucked myself into being busy, redoing the house etc.


2 and a half years later, my boyfriend has moved in officially into my house that I own outright because of the will. He made everything official 3 months ago. His mum, dad and brother moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and everything was sorted. I was really happy for him to move in, and was excited for the future. I woke up one day lying next to my boyfriend snoring and a thought popped up. “Is this it? Is this life now? There’s things I haven’t done, things I haven’t seen” And I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. It’s like there’s a switch in my head that’s suddenly turned of panic and resentment.


A new manager, let’s call him, M, Started at my work place and we instantly got along. Then a crush started on both our sides as we both started talking to each other over facebook. Things have progressed, and I have kissed him. There’s a passion there between us that I never had with J, even in the beginning. It’s like this raw animal chemistry I’ve never felt before. The butterflies I lost have come back, the drop in my stomach whenever I see him, the feeling of just wanting to grab him, to jump his bones when he looks at me. All the things I lost with my boyfriend when I lost my mum and everything settled down. For so long I’ve felt very hollow, and this new guy has popped up and it’s the first jolt of desire I’ve felt since.


I’ve been chewing myself up about this and it’s eating away at me. I haven’t been myself over the last couple months. Ive stopped sleeping properly, I’ve stopped by eating properly and subsequently lost weight. I spend my time with J wishing I was alone or with M. I’ve missed my mum terribly and it’s like the dust has finally settled, I’m settled, I haven’t got any money worries and it feels like my mums loss has hit me very very hard 2 and a half years later. Everyone said I got over it very quickly, but it feels like it’s suddenly hit me now. I’ve got no distractions from the grief anymore.


I’m not happy and it’s becoming more difficult to pretend that I feel something i don’t anymore. I feel so numb and hollow and I can’t stop thinking about M, and it’s all made me realise that although I love my boyfriend terribly I don’t think I’m in love with him. J is nothing but caring and kind and he doesn’t deserve any of this. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I need a break, but he’s just moved in and he’d have nowhere to go. I’ve spent my Christmas wanting to be alone, and praying J doesn’t propose because I knew that I would say no. I don’t want to break his heart and I will break him. My dad always said that in relationships, one person loves the other more. It used to be I loved him more, then mum died and I went numb and it’s been flipped around. His Christmas card to me this year had “to the love of my life” emblazoned on the front. I just don’t know what to do.

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Sorry for the loss of your mom. My dad died a day after my 25th bday, and it was sudden also.

I did the same as you, burying the grief by keeping busy. It backfired. :(


What you are feeling for your co-worker is lust, and you need to consider if he would ever be able to

trust you and see you as serious relationship material, as he knows you are cheating on your BF.

It may very well be lust on his end also. Do you really want to risk losing what you have for something

unknown? If you truly are not in love with your BF, let him go. But be certain. It would be helpful for

you to seek counseling to work through your feelings. Your coworker has become a distraction for you

and honestly when having feelings for someone besides your partner, it's nearly impossible to want

to stay with them. You'll only focus on the negative of him, while finding all the positive in your crush.

The best thing is to step away from the coworker and sort everything out for yourself.

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Sorry to hear this. It seems during/right after a stressful time, he moved in and now the reality of that decision has sunken in. M is just a symptom of the larger problem which is that living with this bf isn't what you really want. Be kind and tell him you don't feel the same and give him 30 days to find a new place. Don't pursue M.

I was really happy for him to move in, and was excited for the future. I woke up one day lying next to my boyfriend snoring and a thought popped up. “Is this it? Is this life now? There’s things I haven’t done, things I haven’t seen” A new manager, let’s call him, M, Things have progressed, and I have kissed him.
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If M had never come into the picture would you be content and happy with J? Seems that your crush has caused all of this anxiety because you think that infatuation and lust means more then infatuation and lust.


You don't know M past the stolen moments you take with one another where life doesn't get in the way. I suggest that you back totally away from M... No texting, no emailing, no sexting, no kissing at work when you THINK no one is looking. Go cold turkey withdrawl from him.. get a new job if that is what it takes for you to stop this betrayal to YOURSELF and your long term boyfriend. If after six months of no contact (other then professionally at work) and you putting your focus back on your boyfriend you still feel the same then break up with your boyfriend and date again with other guys besides "M" who is a bit of an A**H*** if he is coming onto you like he has been when he knows you have a boyfriend.


If he'll do it with you, he'd do it on you as well is the saying that goes with men/women who help someone to cheat.


In the meantime, get yourself into some grief counselling so that you can process your loss and get yourself back to some normalcy.

Grief can make you do crazy and have some off-normal thinking...


*So sorry for you loss.

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