Sometimes They Come Back

[workingon]

I am not sure if this qualifies as my ex coming back, it's kind of an odd situation. However, I thought I would share for anyone who was looking for some hope.

 

My breakup from my gf of two and a half years or so was almost a year ago, we tried for a couple months after but it didn't work. My ex got into a rebound relationship quickly, but (other than a couple stumbles) I stayed single and tried to work on myself. Stayed away from her social media, unfriended on everything, strict NC. After a few months she contacted me a couple of times. We talked over the phone once, talked about missing each other and whatnot. She was still with her boyfriend at the time, so I told her she couldn't contact me again unless she was single (we were both drunk. Not a good excuse for us talking, but it happened).

 

Now a few months later from that drunk phone call, she contacted me asking to meet. Turns out she is newly single (but a mutual friend told me she has been wanting to talk to me for weeks and weeks. She went on a trip and got me a souvenir over a month ago). We met and talked for a few hours. She wants to get back together, but says she needs to be alone and heal. After she works through her issues, she asked if it would be alright to reach out and see if I would be interested in trying again. She asked me to block her on social media and on my phone since she had been looking at my profiles regularly (I have a public IG) and can't get herself to stop looking or drunk dialing me on her own. We just left email open for communication if she does want to reach out eventually. Said that she knows she has no right to ask me to wait considering how she went into a rebound, but if I was single she would like to try. It took me months to sort out my issues, I am sure it will be as long for her. I won't let it stop me from pursuing something with someone else, but I would want to work on things with her if I'm not with someone else.

 

It's a confusing situation for me all in all, I have no idea if we will get back together. However, the desire from her is there at least. She initiated the breakup both times and still (sort of) came back. Strict NC and working on myself helped a lot. I didn't do any tricks or try to play games and she still contacted me. So it is possible.

 

I'll try to come back if something happens either way so people will know. I said in a previous post that the getting back together thread helped me tremendously while I was hurting, so I wanted to leave some hope for people who are hurting now.

[Clio]

They do come back often in the form you mention. Imo that is not a real come back though. 99% of the times they do it when things are not working out for them (e.g. their rebound failed) and it is to soothe their own anxiety and loneliness i.e. for purely selfish reasons. Most of the times they leave again once they are back on their feet/ find someone else, hence all the cynicism one encounters on the getting back board. Having been used as plan b by an ex like that is double the hurt. Then again, once they have demonstrated that they are capable of abandoning you, replacing you etc you are making informed choices... Taking back someone who tried to replace you is going against some pretty bad odds imo... Especially if they have abandoned you more than once. You sound like a decent person. Imo, you deserve better than that.

[workingon]

They do come back often in the form you mention. Imo that is not a real come back though. 99% of the times they do it when things are not working out for them (e.g. their rebound failed) and it is to soothe their own anxiety and loneliness i.e. for purely selfish reasons. Most of the times they leave again once they are back on their feet/ find someone else, hence all the cynicism one encounters on the getting back board. Having been used as plan b by an ex like that is double the hurt. Then again, once they have demonstrated that they are capable of abandoning you, replacing you etc you are making informed choices... Taking back someone who tried to replace you is going against some pretty bad odds imo... Especially if they have abandoned you more than once. You sound like a decent person. Imo, you deserve better than that.

 

I can understand that viewpoint, I have been wondering if it has been for selfish reasons myself. I would say I'm cautiously optimistic only because she is taking the time to be alone and work on her issues first. In talking with her, it sounds like she realizes she has to be happy by herself before she can be happy with anyone else. We only really broke up once, I should have worded that differently. After the "official" breakup, we only stopped talking to one another for two days and tried to make it work.

 

She's not a bad person, so hopefully she can sort out her issues and have an awesome relationship with someone. If it's not with me, it's not with me. Things are going pretty well, so I'll be fine either way.

 

I appreciate your thoughts! Sometimes I need to hear some reality, I tend to see rainbows everywhere. Even when I shouldn't.

[Keyman]

I'm with Clio on this. She has shown she is not entirely committed to your relationship by trying to get out of it twice. And unfortunately, she will do it again.

 

 

She's not a bad person, so hopefully she can sort out her issues and have an awesome relationship with someone. If it's not with me, it's not with me. Things are going pretty well, so I'll be fine either way.

 

I think this shows you level of understanding of her situation and a degree of maturity that can be found post healing. You are right, she is not a bad person, only a person seeking a certain level of happiness that she could not find with you. It is sad to think of it that way, but it is true. She does find comfort with you, but I guess there must have been something missing that she is seeking.

 

That she tried to replace you with someone, sounds like a harsh way of putting it, but in truth she was hoping this person had what she was missing in the relationship with you, but she was also looking for a way to stop the pain from the breakup. But it is short lived, and now she not only has to deal with healing from your break up, but also a failed rebound. She is reaching out for you because she is hoping to find some form of status quo to help her recover and that warm safe place she was cared for. But given time, she will remember why she wanted to leave in the first place and it will happen again. Give her help, if you wish, but do not get too attached.

[workingon]

I'm back to NC, she said she knows she needs to heal on her own if we are ever going to have a chance. Obviously, I am hopeful but I am trying not to dwell on it. I may not hear from her for months or I may never hear from her again.

 

If you don't mind reading a bit of a story, does the manner of our breakup change anything?

 

I/we made a pretty big mess of a big decision. I was thinking about going back to school to work on my PhD, but my ex didn't want me to get any more student loans (or so I thought). I was working full time and in school part time getting a second Masters when a professor told me about the PhD program and how I would be on an assistantship that would pay my tuition and a small salary. I told my ex that I wouldn't need to get any more student loans, so I was going to apply. I got accepted and told them I would join. Our relationship was never the same after that, we went on for nine more months but it went downhill. We both started withdrawing and were practically roommates at that point. We had talked marriage and kids and my ex wanted that on the timeline we had said. By going back to school, I pushed it off five more years. When she said she wanted me to wait and save to not get more loans, she really meant she wanted to start our family before I went back. Then I came in saying I was going to apply and she felt like she didn't matter.

 

This didn't get sorted out until after we had broken up and were trying to make it work, but it was too late at that point. In one argument we had at that time, she told me that if she had it her way we would be married and trying to have kids already. It got sorted, but again, it was too late by then.

 

I actually broke up with her about a week before we called it quits the first time (which she initiated). We were so far withdrawn both of us could see it from a mile away. When we tried to make things work, things improved a lot. She couldn't get over her anger/frustration about how I entered the program though and ended things. That was when I really struggled with the ending. The only way she can come back now would be if she could really let all of that go. She also said she needed to forgive herself for what happened after we broke up. Who knows.

[Keyman]

Our of interest, how old are you two?

[semaj281]

I'm back to NC, she said she knows she needs to heal on her own if we are ever going to have a chance. Obviously, I am hopeful but I am trying not to dwell on it. I may not hear from her for months or I may never hear from her again.

 

If you don't mind reading a bit of a story, does the manner of our breakup change anything?

 

I/we made a pretty big mess of a big decision. I was thinking about going back to school to work on my PhD, but my ex didn't want me to get any more student loans (or so I thought). I was working full time and in school part time getting a second Masters when a professor told me about the PhD program and how I would be on an assistantship that would pay my tuition and a small salary. I told my ex that I wouldn't need to get any more student loans, so I was going to apply. I got accepted and told them I would join. Our relationship was never the same after that, we went on for nine more months but it went downhill. We both started withdrawing and were practically roommates at that point. We had talked marriage and kids and my ex wanted that on the timeline we had said. By going back to school, I pushed it off five more years. When she said she wanted me to wait and save to not get more loans, she really meant she wanted to start our family before I went back. Then I came in saying I was going to apply and she felt like she didn't matter.

 

This didn't get sorted out until after we had broken up and were trying to make it work, but it was too late at that point. In one argument we had at that time, she told me that if she had it her way we would be married and trying to have kids already. It got sorted, but again, it was too late by then.

 

I actually broke up with her about a week before we called it quits the first time (which she initiated). We were so far withdrawn both of us could see it from a mile away. When we tried to make things work, things improved a lot. She couldn't get over her anger/frustration about how I entered the program though and ended things. That was when I really struggled with the ending. The only way she can come back now would be if she could really let all of that go. She also said she needed to forgive herself for what happened after we broke up. Who knows.

 

Families can be started at any point when two people are settling down but assistantships like the one you're mentioning may only come once in a lifetime. I think you guys made the right decision by breaking up. If she has been wanting a family, her biological clock isn't going to change overnight, or even after months. So her coming back may have been for selfish reasons.

[workingon]

Our of interest, how old are you two?

 

Both of us are in our late 20s