7 years ended. Need advice

[ashley928]

Hi All,

I'm having an extremely difficult time getting through this breakup of a 7 year relationship. My ex ended things a month ago, 2 days after he got out of rehab and is completely loving the single life. Some back story: 3 years ago we moved in with each other to a new city where he was going to start school. I had a very difficult time making friends and became pretty codependent. He would get frustrated and brought up his issues constantly. I am very conflict-avoidant so these issues were very stressful and most often going in one ear and out the other the second he wasn't upset about it. This stress on the relationship also caused stress in our sex life (a HUGE issue for him). This past year he absolutely couldn't deal anymore and starting using drugs and drinking as a means to cope because no matter what he tried, things were not getting any better and he did not know when enough was enough. He is now 2 months sober and my extreme hurt and impulsive reaching out to him is really triggering him to want to throw that all away. Like I said, he is so happy with his new life, new friends, quit his career, and attends AA 3x a day. This is so hard to go through a breakup and watch him be okay with it and even be HAPPY! I am grieving so hard because this really is all my fault to begin with, which makes it worse. He has grieved slowly over the course of 3 years which makes it much easier on him, although he hates how upset I am. I met up with him yesterday to give him a gift of a scrapbook I made of our dog we have together and noticed a big hickey on his neck. My God I wish I didn't see that. I almost slapped him. What was getting me through this breakup was HOPE. Hope that maybe he just needed space and a break to really find himself again. But it seems that he definitely wasn't okay with our sex life and found it somewhere else, a month after this breakup. I am back at square one, and probably even worse off than I originally was to begin with. I screamed at him, I made him feel like , I told him I hated him. He blocked me from every social media and phone number to protect his sobriety and now I am alone. I'm so stuck. I can't get the images of him being with someone else out of my head. I wish I could move on too, but I feel that I am not ready and that would be unfair to someone else. It just makes me so angry and hurt that he was able to do that.

[TwoLoveHard]

Hey Ashley,

 

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. While you are hurting, I want you to know that I am going through the same things you are going through; however, I am just a little bit ahead of you. My ex-gf broke up with me about 2 months ago and I too was codependent and devastated. Sat in bed for 14 hours. Found out she moved on easily and was talking to multiple guys. Messaged her said nasty things. In turn, she said she was doing it to get over the breakup and it felt empty and still missed/ loved me. THIS HELD ME BACK. I held onto that HOPE that you mentioned.

 

I will try to address most the issues I notice with what you told me so far and how to move forward a bit day by day.

1) First and foremost, while it may seem logical to blame yourself for the outcome for the relationship there are many reasons from both parties. I think everyone has begged and pleaded to a point of driving the other person away further. Please try to forgive yourself. I know its cliche but go NO CONTACT. It took me 1 month of on and off NO CONTACT before realizing that I needed to stick to it. Each time I broke it was due to me impulsively reaching out (due to overthinking) and it did more harm then good. Believe me, whatever you want to say will not get to their head and you end up feeling worse for trying once again. Spend some time to yourself. If you have a difficult time making friends then spend time with those friends who you already have. Ask friends to invite you out when they go. I had a hard time being social but I was extremely surprised about how much friends can really help you out if you need it. I ended up meeting a handful of people who understood what I was going through and they in turn invited me out to other events and I began meeting numerous people. Take it slow, and when you meet new people you will feel a lot better. There are many beautiful people out there.

2) In terms of trying to get the images out of your head... I will admit I still have them in my head. BUT realize your self worth. I understand that it makes you so angry and hurt that he was able to do it so quickly, but sitting around thinking about WHY or WHAT they are thinking is counterproductive. I know you want to be happy. I know you want to stop feeling this way. But do both of us a favor and get rid of that HOPE. If he truly loved you like you want to believe it probably would not have been so easy to move on. Another girl would not have crossed his mind.

3) Last advice is get rid of the word MAYBE from your thoughts. I remember asking myself "Maybe if I did...." or "Maybe if I didn't...." so many times and that really slowed my process.

 

It really gets better over time. I am hoping and praying that you get better. I am new to the forums also.

[semaj281]

Hi,

 

That makes three of us. I am going through this as well (though mine was only 3 years long) and TwoLoveHard is 100% right. I want to add that when a person decides to leave their partner, they've got a head start on the healing process and will start to think like they are single well before leaving you. This puts the "dumpee" at a disadvantage because many times they react with denial and attempts to save the relationship when the other person is already out the door.

 

But without a doubt there is healing needed from both parties and a month or two usually isn't enough time learn from a broken long term relationship. Him jumping into a new one whether it's casual or serious is a sign that he is rebounding and trying to avoid the consequences of a break-up instead of absorbing the lessons to be taken away from the relationship with you. So if it helps at all, try not to take his actions too personally. It isn't your fault that he is seeking temporary happiness and instant gratification from other people.

[ashley928]

Hi guys,

 

I'm so sorry we are all going through this. Can we just fast forward time? I really hate the unknown and wish I could find happiness. I am so excited to work on myself and my flaws for a future relationship!!! and I really have a hard time not hoping it will be with him down the road, even if its a year from now. He is 25, had a lifetime career set for himself and has been in this relationship since he was 18. I can see that he needs to explore his life more. 25 is still young. He abandoned his career and is rediscovering himself after 3 years of a codependant relationship where I think we both lost our true selves. Knowing him, I was sure there would be other girls at some point during this... just wasn't ready for it.

[Coconut317]

Four of us. I just experience a break up too! although my relationship is shorter. I also hope that he will change his behavior and come back and be nicer to me. but I cannot contact him first because he ghosted me for a couple days and thats why i broke up with him. I feel like we will definitely meet someone better down the road although at this moment we might think he is the only one we want. He also thinks i am too high maintenace and while he is very independent:(

[shessofly]

What are you going to get a handle on your conflict avoidant and codependency issues? I think you should take the focus off of him and onto yourself so you can get well. He has chosen his own path and you cannot control that, but you can do something about yours.

[semaj281]

Hi guys,

 

I'm so sorry we are all going through this. Can we just fast forward time? I really hate the unknown and wish I could find happiness. I am so excited to work on myself and my flaws for a future relationship!!! and I really have a hard time not hoping it will be with him down the road, even if its a year from now. He is 25, had a lifetime career set for himself and has been in this relationship since he was 18. I can see that he needs to explore his life more. 25 is still young. He abandoned his career and is rediscovering himself after 3 years of a codependant relationship where I think we both lost our true selves. Knowing him, I was sure there would be other girls at some point during this... just wasn't ready for it.

 

I know what you mean about having trouble seeing a future without him and wanting to fast forward time. The best way to learn from this IMO is to live this moment and let your feelings come through instead of trying to rush the healing process. When you say he is young, are you older than him?

[boltnrun]

I think his decision to focus on his sobriety and avoid triggers is admirable.

 

Can you be unselfish enough to leave him alone so he can focus on remaining sober?

[DanZee]

Well, look, this guy is an idiot and I have a feeling he's always been an idiot, and you overlooked a lot of stuff and made excuses for him, but he still was an idiot all along. You shouldn't blame yourself. I hate hearing about people who feel that they need to work on themselves to make themselves worthy of another relationship. You just dated an idiot. You need to find someone more compatible with you. You can't look at it as an investment of 7 years or anything like that. The relationship is over. Pick yourself up and brush yourself off. One way might be to move back to your hometown if you have no ties where you are. Get back with some of your old friends and have nothing more to do with your ex. Ghost him like crazy!

[ashley928]

I know what you mean about having trouble seeing a future without him and wanting to fast forward time. The best way to learn from this IMO is to live this moment and let your feelings come through instead of trying to rush the healing process. When you say he is young, are you older than him?

 

He is 25, I am 27.