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Straight in real life but not in online/fantasy life- what is my sexual orientation?

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Hello (insert a big hand wave to you all)

Just found this forum whilst browsing online. I hope it is okay to post this here. If anyone reads this and replies....you are a STAR :D


Is anyone able to help me out as this issue has contributed to confusion regarding my sexual orientation:


Real life feelings:

Basically I am a woman in her mid 20's (a virgin by choice). My sexuality has felt consistent all of my life. In real life I am attracted to guys but have a low desire for intimacy and feel no attraction to women at all so I can tell I have a preference and based on this have always considered myself straight (If I walk into a room I can notice an attractive guy in a date-able way but with women I can think she is pretty but feel no romantic or physical attraction no matter how beautiful or cute and funny she is). Seems pretty simply right?


Well here is where it gets confusing.



For over a decade I have watched mainly lesbian sexual content online (turned on by watching porn, erotic movies, sometimes sexy nude pictures of women) and have mainly lesbian fantasies where I am involved in making out with a woman. The fantasies rarely involve real life women but you can add in a fantasies/thoughts I've had about one or two female celebrities and a female athlete and a brief sexual thought about a colleague (in real life when I saw the colleague after the brief sexual thought I analysed if I felt any attraction to her in a physical or romantic way and the answer was a resounding "girl no" lol and I see her in a sisterly type of way actually as we do get on and have laughs as colleague who are friendly. I have also reached my first orgasm watching lesbian content and being inspired to fantasize abut women and for whatever reason I can get turned on by thinking of men but have a hard time orgasm to thoughts of men (I put it down to still being a virgin and not knowing due to different body parts what it would feel like to be with a man, i feel i can relate to thoughts of women due to similar body parts).


Child/teen years online/fantasy stuff


When I was 10 years old, I noticed a naked picture of a woman on a magazine and stared at it and definitely made an intention to check the picture out. I didnt fantasize bout the naked woman at this age and dont recall feeling any butterflies.


When I was a mid teens (I am in my mid 20s now) I engaged in cyber sex with a girl (text only, no videos, pictures) and got turned on but didnt go back to chatting with her after that one time. During the same age time period, I also pretended to be a boy online several times and private messaged a few girls and flirted with them-can't remember if the chats got sexual but I may have enjoyed it. Again, I spoke to each girl just once and didnt establish an emotional connection with them at all. During this time (16-18 years old) my internet behaviors didn't translate to real life feelings i.e. when I was at school, I never had any crushes on girls or anyone from the same sex. I also didnt analyse why I did what I did and never thought much about it.


Conclusion and question

I've obviously been watching lesbian content, engaged in some teen same sex sexual text based chats that did not last and same sex fantasies for a long time. The most consistent thing I know is that none of this has made me desire to experiment with women in real life. There just isnt anything there in the very least. So what do I base my sexual orientation on real life feelings or the lesbian fantasies/lesbian content and short lived teen same sex cyber sex?

Also a disclaimer: I've spent most of this year analyzing my real life feelings (analysed my reactions to women, realized that it isn't hard for me to identifying when I am attracted to guy even on a superficial level but it was impossible to identify an form of attraction to real life women other than seeing them in a sisterly/friend type of way). so I am not confused about this, just confused on what to base my sexual orientation on. I am also not holding anything back in my desires for women, if I truly felt a desire (even if it was the smallest, smallest form) for women in real life I would have no problem owning that as there is no shame or problemo with lgbt at all.[/b]

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I remember listening to a CBC radio program about sex differences between men and women. The research seemed to show that straight women tended to not be attracted to lesbians themselves but many were turned on by the experience of watching people having sex including lesbians. That could definitely be a partial explanation.

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Hmmmm....well this is a difficult situation as I'm not really sure what to say about it...I feel like I should have some idea as I identify as pansexual myself (attracted to all people regardless of gender) but I suppose the only thing I can say is that I know that sexuality can be fluid.


I've been in the GLBTIQ sphere for a long time and have a lot of friends who are and some of them don't exactly fall neatly under a label like "gay", "straight", "bisexual" etc. For example, my female best friend is mostly into guys and wants to date guys but she's sexually and physically attracted to women but she mostly enjoys kissing them. She doesn't think she could date a woman but she has kissed many women and slept with a few. My boyfriend considers himself "heteroflexible" where he's romantically into women but he doesn't mind doing sexual things with guys.


I think sexuality can mean different things to different people and it can be on a spectrum. It's not necessarily "100% straight", "100% gay", "bisexual 50% men, 50% women". It can be any variation of those, and to any degree I think.


It's possible that you may be bisexual/heteroflexible/bi-curious but you're romantically into men and only sexually into women. However it may also be any number of other reasons. One may be what you said - that being a virgin you feel you know what it would be like to be with a woman because you know your own body. Or it may just be a fetish. One guy I was seeing liked to cross dress as a woman and wanted me to dress up as a guy and use a strap-on on him because that was a huge fetish he had. However he was straight and only interested in women, it's not that he was actually into guys.


I don't think anyone can really tell you what kind of sexuality you have and it's something only you can explore. Either way I wouldn't worry about enjoying lesbian porn as that's normal and healthy for you to masturbate and explore your sexuality. Do you mind if I ask, do you have any interest in trying sexual things with either males or females? Or you prefer not to for now?

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I wouldn't complicate it. You like what you like. We all have fantasies that we have very little interest carrying out in real-life, and while I can understand how the flipped sexual orientation can complicate that aspect a bit, I'd try not to dig too deep. If you're honest with yourself and you know you fancy dudes IRL and aren't comfortable with pursuing women, it really doesn't matter what you're inclined to roleplay online. But who knows? Maybe a year or two from now, the online attitude will manifest itself offline. But I'd simply let that happen, should it happen. Don't force it.

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Thank you for your reply :)





It's possible that you may be bisexual/heteroflexible/bi-curious but you're romantically into men and only sexually into women.



Does that mean the who I fantasize about (in my case women) defines my sexual orientation? In my 25 years of living my feelings for real life women have been consistent in that I have never desired or been attracted to one at all. I know its super strange that a long term fantasy and lesbian content connection is evident in my life and no real life feelings have developed but I've spent a lot of time analyzing my real life feelings (8 whole months lol) and unless I have a personality disorder or another mental health issue that explains the long term fantasy and lesbian content there is no attraction i feel towards real life women at all nor have I ever had such an attraction. I mean if I define the woman in my fantasy as someone I have a sexual attraction to and then use her and the women in porn who acts turn me on as a way to define my sexual orientation it would very interesting as whilst I am very open to life experiences I really dont think experimenting with women or being in a romantic relationship will be something that will happen in my life time. Why do i say this? Because I have been fantasizing about women and using porn, erotic films and occasional naked pictures as stimulus for a long time and yet in real life I have never been even curious to see what a lesbian fantasy would be like, I also never felt pressured to act on my fantasies just because I have them. Its a weird disconnect when I fantasize in that I dont feel like its truly me engaging in those fantasies and yet it is me but a different me if that makes sense. In contrast, however small those desires are (lack of desire for intimacy/relationship) I have felt a consistent feeling of attraction and preference for men throughout my life and its not because of hetronormative conditioning because as a truly self introspective person I would know deep down if I truly wasn't all that attracted to men and to answer your question I dont know about the word interest but if the right guy came along and it was the right timing (now now at all) then yes maybe Id be up for doing sexual things but I am not too sure. Could I live without intimacy in my life and be a virgin forever? Yes. But could I be cool with being with a guy and being in a full relationship including the physical things, yeah possibly? With women, nah I wouldnt be interested at all because there isnt a basic level of attraction there at all. I am not disgusted at the thought of being with real life woman, it just does nothing for me. I just think if a desire to experiment or doing things with real life women hasn't manifested after all these years, I don't see it happening (it may and I'll always remain open to that).

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Thanks alot lukeb and j.amn for you repsonses too :)


So j.man would you suggest that I base my sexual orientation on who I am attracted to in real life? I guess Im just confused if sexual orientation is based on who you like in real life or your fantasies and if what if they both conflict? The thing is my problem is I have been reading so much on this topic and there's so many different opinions. I read somewhere that sexual orientation is determined by who you mostly fantasize and that is a strong indicator. If i go with that understanding then I would be a lesbian (aint nothing wrong with that at all, much love and peace) but then in real life I am not attracted to women so lool it would be really bizarre. I've also been told to look into biromantic but again I am pretty sure that means I should feel a romantic attraction to women in real life that I have never felt.


Dont want to take up any of your time folks so sorry for the extra long posts and grateful for your time. Also I've written a lengthy reply tinydance further clarifying my real life feelings incase anyone feels a little confused by my story.

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I mean, not to be callously dismissive, but does it matter? It could well be that there simply isn't a coined label for your orientation and preferences, for my own, or for really anyone's, if we're to take every nuance into account. Your sexual preference is "rainydayzzz's sexual preference," and it really requires no further descriptor. Are you hoping that you could be considered bisexual or some other fringe identifier? Are you ashamed of not having real-life sexual desires for women? These would be bigger questions to ask rather than digging around for labels.


But I'll go ahead and stop while I'm ahead and before I get into trouble ranting about how much damage is being done to the very concept of identity with all this insistence on labels.

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Your sexual preference is "rainydayzzz's sexual preference," and it really requires no further descriptor. .


hahaha, if you don't mind I may just use that label in going forward :) But yea I completely get what you are saying and I totally understand why other people may find labelling problematic. For me it just helps me out and I think that is okay too and no really there is no hidden motivation, I genuinely have no clue what defines my sexual orientation (real life feelings v long term lesbian fantasy/erotic content life) and so its a sincere question which not knowing is leading to so much doubts and confusion. I dont expect others to relate and thats okay but outside of genuinely being confused there is no other reason I am asking and I totally get that some people can live life and be okay with the confusion but for me I am prone to much deep self reflection and self analysis and self discovery and so that what helps me feel confident about myself and who I am.

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Non sexual fantasies Ive had for a long time (may relate to my long term lesbian erotic content/fantasy situation)



I also dont know if this is relevant and if maybe I may have a mental health issue but for most of my teen and early 20s I used to fantasize about pretending to be famous or someone else and Id have a separate life in my head- there was nothing sexual about these fantasies. Sometimes I'd have a boyfriend, friends,a job etc. Im sure a doctor was out there during this time period willing to diagnose me with some sort of mental health issue. The point is I have a history of long term fantasies that I dont feel really reflect my real life. When I tried to stop engaging in those fantasies it was quite hard (years long of habitual fantasizing does that to you). But the life in my head that I built in my fantasy head was and still is different from my real life desires (I actually like quiet life) so the fantasy irrespective for how long it went on for may have reflected a desire for different circumstances but not necessarily to be a celebrity or any of the other characters I fantasized (non sexual) about. But when I started forming my own identity, I loved who I was becoming, the ideal job I was working towards and the way I looked and felt about myself and yes there are times like this year due to overananalysing this sexuality thing and the difficulties it has presented that I have slipped back into that escapist world but I am pretty sure I dont want to be that celebrity person or any of those characters that I fanatsize about. Maybe deep down it represents not living my fullest life if that makes sense but if someone told me right now to be that celebrity or other fiction characters, I would day "no thanks" because they don't necessarily represent who I truly am and who I am working towards being. I have quit the whole lesbian erotic content and fantasizing as it was starting to confuse me as I went on this sexuality analyzing journey. It definitely feels much easier quitting that than the non sexual fantasies.


Sorry for the ramble but maybe im seeing a connection here?

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So just a final update. Thanks to you all and other people on different forums I have been able to work this whole thing out :)


I am going by real life feelings because after a year long mental analysis of my feelings for real life women (analysing everything from my childhood-trying to find out if there was any emotional or physical attraction I ever felt for real life women) I know there is nothing there and back to where I started before all this analyszing which is that I am straight and just have a low desire for intimacy in real life (close to asexuality with a preference for men). I knew this all along but needed to find an explanation for my long terms fantasies and yea anyway just wanted to let anyone who reads this know that I am no longer confused and because I need to break away from this subject as I have been analzying it for too long I wont be revisiting this thread. I think my brain needs a big break from this subject now that I have understood myself and I need to now end any more analysis.


Thank you all again for the kindness of your time, wishing you all well in life.

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