NC after one year?

[Nap-Man]

Ok, I need some advice. My ex dumped me after 2.5 years of dating. We were friends before we dated for almost 7 years. We broke up amicably. It was mostly outside influences that broke us up, i.e. grad school for me, work/school for her and generally stupid things. Since we were friends before and both stood to lose a lot by losing a friendship we agreed to stay friends and see where it went. Well since then she has called me every day since we broke up a year ago. For about the last 8 months she has been telling me that she wants to go on a date to see what it is like. Lately she has been asking if I am meeting anyone and suggested that I try online dating. I went out with her the other night and she was talking to a guy that I knew liked her. Well the combination of watching her out looking for guys and asking if I had met anyone yet really made me realize that I can't handle this. I love this woman far too much to be friends with her and see her with another man. So I need to do NC.

 

I plan on telling her I love her with all my heart but I just can't be her friend right now. It hurts too much to see the woman I love with another man. It hurts so much more that she was my friend for so long. I know she is confused and I have been a huge support to get her through this tough part in her life but I just can't take this anymore. The letter is 4 pages long so I don't want to upload it but the gist of it is that I love her, I can't stand to see her with another man and if we keep going like we are I am going to become bitter and possibly ruin the friendship once she dates another man. So I need my space to heal and get used to a life without her.

 

Does this sound like a reasonable way to break contact with an ex? I don't expect to ever get back together but like anything else in life I don't want to ruin any future possibilities. I want to end this as pleasantly as possible but still make it clear that it needs to end for my sanity. Any suggestions here or am I pretty much on the right track?

 

Thanks,

 

Nap

[DN]

Not a bad idea, but I think you should precis the four pages to no more than two, preferably one. What you want to do is encapsulated in what you posted here - what else do you need to tell her? Without seeing the letter, it's hard to tell but my first reaction is that 4 pages seems excessive and just a bit desperate.

[heloladies21]

Do it man, and then you can heal for real.

[detox5]

dude im also going through a tough part right now, my ex is with someone else, but i think she still likes me, and not sure if she wants to stay with him or be with me, i just get that vibe on how she treats me and i just feel as if she is unsure.

But it is really stressful, i just did 8 weeks NC and i feel alot stronger and i can live without her, the last time we talked or was in contact was last week, I texted her last, no reply, but i said something like your everybodsy angel, not much you can reply to that eh?

 

What im trying to say to you, is that ive just come to the desicion, she has to want to be with me, its like im leaving it in her hands, cause im not gonna chase anymore and "try" and do anything, cause this is all way too much stressful to me.

 

So if i was you, just reply to her stuff when she does contact you and live your life, i really wouldnt do the letters of "i love you".

 

Maybe im not doing the right thing by leaving it in her hands, but what more can i do, i want her to come to me, i dont want her to feel sorry for me or anything.

 

SO i would just say chill out, and leave things be, dont chase, and just be cool, have you ever wondered she could be testing you?

 

please dont send her the letter though dude, i dont think they help, the I love you's but just my opinion, they should chase you cause you say you love them, they should chase you cause they do in fact like you!

[Nap-Man]

Yeah, I kind of thought that 4 pages was a bit much as well. I think I was venting as well as presenting my reasons for leaving. I just feel that I owe my friend of almost 10 years complete insignt into why I am doing this. I really don't think that the way I worded the letter comes accross as desperate. I just tried to explicitly communicate the way I feel so she will know without a doubt why I had to do this. I'll sleep on it a while, re-read it and make some changes when this weekend isn't so fresh in my mind. Maybe then I can shrink it down. Thanks for the encouragement. I wasn't sure if anyone would think that waiting a year to do NC was strange.

[DN]

It's not strange if it's what you need to do for your own emotional well-being.

[Nap-Man]

I know what you are saying detox. I am not writing the letter for her to get back with me. I just want this to end well because I value the friendship I had with her before we dated. For me, I need her to know I love her because that is the only way I can comfortably go into NC. I don't want to play games to get her back (already did that), I just want to end it and move on. I know it goes agianst most posters rules here but for my piece of mind I want her to know I love her but need to do this for me so I can get over her. In my head I need to have the feeling that I did all I could, its time to move on because there is no future for her and I. That way I can heal and hopefully at some point in the far future have a friendship with her

[detox5]

but dude im doing all that without a letter, im letting things be and be, ive opened my arms and let it go, it just doens make it feel anybetter to tell them stuff i dont think. cause i did it in the past, and it didnt help.

 

What im doing now is really helping, ive just opened my arms and let her go, thats it, i dindt say anything, the way i look at it, she may be happy with this dude, i dont wanna get in the way of her happyness, its like i was the last person to text, and she didnt reply, maybe she wants this, so i just let things be.

im really not sure a letter will help, words dont mean anything dude, fook that, you showed her you love her, she knows, i dunno what else to say, i dont think it should be done just to vend and make yourself feel better !

[codaaurora]

Nap,

 

I think that the letter is a good idea, women appreciate them on a level that some people might not understand. I don't know about it being 4 pages, you really might want to consider revising it, but I understand that you are trying to be thorough.

 

Either way, NC is the best thing to do no matter how much time has gone by, there is no time limit on feelings and emotions and everyone heals differently.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Come here often and vent when you need to, that's what we are all here for, to help one another through these times.

[annie24]

Hi - Like DN and Codaaurora said, I think that you should limit it to one page. 4 is too much. I think you got your point accross nicely in your first post. Good luck!

[Nap-Man]

Hmmm, I think I will clean it up and try to at least cut it in half if not more. I have a habit from grad school of making a point and backing it up with many examples I know what detox is saying but since I don't expect anything to come of this other than closure for myself I need to send a letter. My only goal here is to regain my sanity and not hurt her anymore than I need to. Any advice on the tone of the letter? I think I need to revise it and take out all the times I say that she did this or that. I think I need to just tell her this is how I feel, this is why I need to do it. I personally could not leave a friendship/relationship like I have had with this woman without a heartfelt letter.

[DN]

Keep the tone obviously sad but non-confrontational or assigning blame. Don't tell her anything she already knows - no point. Don't re-hash old arguments - no point.

 

Just explain why you feel it necessary to go NC

[Nap-Man]

Good advice DN. I wasn't rehashing old arguments, just bringing up new issues. You are right, what's the point??

 

Side question but related……

 

I am very close with my ex's sister and husband. Her sister is about to have a baby in July and has stated that she wants me to be a part of her son's life. This is all after my ex and I broke up. She has stated that she thinks I should be the Godfather and continuously refers to me as Uncle. I know it is not completely serious but I absolutely love kids and and I really don't have any extended family so this kid and her sister mean a lot to me. I am fully capable of maintaining a relationship with her sister and new son without my ex. Does anyone else think that this is going to cause lots of problems in the future? If people think it is a bad idea to maintain friendships with my ex's sister and husband what do I tell them? This is a tough one on me because her sister has been like a big sister to me and I was so excited to be a part of their son's life. They have been so good to me since the break-up and she and her husband even had their own little plots to get my ex and I back together. I know that is cheesy but it really meant a lot to me. I really hate to cut such amazing people out of my life. What should I do if I go into NC with her sister (the ex)??

[DN]

This will make the NC more difficult and you might like to address the issue in the letter. But it would be a great shame to cut them out of your life. If you can arrange matters with the ex that the only time you would see her is at times when you see her sister and her family then you may be ok. Make sure her sister is also aware of what you are trying to accomplish. Just be aware that at some point you may see your ex with a new boyfriend/husband - so long as you can cope with that you should be ok.

[Nap-Man]

I did address it in the letter but was considering taking it out. Good save there! I hope to be able to see my ex with a new man in time. That is a big motivation to do NC now. I planned on calling my ex's sister and telling her what I am doing. I will also tell her that I still plan to be a friend to her and her husband and a part of her child's life. I hope we can work everything out! I will just have to arrange times to hang out with them when my ex isn't around.

[DN]

Good luck - I hope things work out well for you and that you find someone who returns your love.

[Nap-Man]

Thanks a lot everyone! I really appreciate the help!