I told him not to contact me again!

[Johnson]

We broke up nearly five months ago in July. Things got pretty ugly, with lots of accusations (mostly on my part, to be honest!) He's a passive-aggressive type, and I'm more upfront and "in your face". For the past two months there had been no contact at all. In fact, last I heard from him he had told me he was blocking me from calling him or texting him, so I made no attempts to make contact, and things were getting somewhat better for me; although I did continue to think (obsess) over him on a daily basis. However, I did feel as though I was beginning to move on emotionally.

 

Strangely, two weeks ago, out of the clear blue, he texted me, and it said, "I am willing to communicate with you, but you have to apologize to me for all the things you said! If you don't want to talk, no problem. Happy Thanksgiving!"

 

I did text him back, but there was no way I was going to take on all the blame and crawl to him the way I felt he was setting this whole thing up, because he definitely did and said plenty to me that required apology on his part as well. So, for the past two weeks we went back and forth texting one another about the various wrongs we both did, and he did admit his wrongs, but only after I had to remind him of the multiple times he had done things that were not right, that had led to our breaking up.

 

Finally, after 10 days of texting (no talking), I did meet him in person at a restaurant. We had some dinner and talked for three hours. The conversation got somewhat heated at some points, but what really steamed me was he repeatedly kept insisting I apologize even after I had already apologized! He even whipped out his cell phone and scrolled through all the text messages he has actually saved over many, many months, so he could make a case against me! I have no need to save those text messages. I had deleted all that long ago. However, he has them all saved up, and ready evidence. It was so strange to sit there while he scrolled through the "record" against me, as though I was on trial! I almost got up and walked out of the restaurant, but I think he could see I was getting red hot, and he toned it down a bit, and we managed to come down off that cliff. We both ended up going home to our own places that night, and next couple days I kept tossing around the conversations we had at dinner that night.

 

He had never answered me when I inquired why he had the need to contact me again after nearly five months of breaking up! He did not come out and ask to get back together! I still do not know what he wants from me! All I know is he has repeatedly asked me for apology after apology, although I did apologize, and he goes on and on about how I had done him wrong. So, I found myself getting dragged down again emotionally, and this morning I finally texted him and told him I felt that it is better for him to not contact me any longer because I feel he is just trying to play games with my heart and my mind, and this is doing nothing but causing me harm! He texted me back and said, "If it will make it easier for you to move on with your life to have no communication, I understand, and I will not contact you anymore!"

 

I am back now to doing the hard work of not contacting him, and it does hurt all over again! But, I just think this man cannot possibly care about me, because if he did, he would have explained why he wanted to contact me! He would do something about salvaging our relationship, but he does nothing!

 

I might also mention, he is a widower. His wife died young of cancer. I do not believe he will ever give his heart to another woman again! I've had many signs of this! I would like some of your thoughts on this because this man has messed my head up in a big way! And now today starts a whole new beginning of No Contact for me!

[SweetGirl28]

Your first mistake was continuing to argue with him.

You should have just shut him down the minute he pulled that on you.

He's holding onto a great deal of anger and resentment, which is not your problem.

He needs to work on himself.

Since you asked for him to not contact you, ignore his further attempts.

Until he can be non temperamental and talk, and clearly define what he wants, you do not owe him anything.

[Carus]

Well I've just gone through a similar thing in that my wife of 5 years broke up with me but then kept filling my cup with false hopes.

 

This went on for 3 months until 2 weeks ago when I got the final goodbye email and off she went.

 

Being cut off like that has been brutal and traumatic and as much as I miss her, I believe NC is the only path away from the fire.

 

I think your ex wasn't contacting you for you but more for him and whatever cr*p he's harbouring inside himself.

 

Let's stick to it and move forward together*

 

Carus*

[glitterfingers]

I have no idea what's going on with your ex, but the part about his wife dying really struck a chord with me. But I will start by saying, I don't think he's given you any false hope. I think he was very clear in that his intention was to calm the waters and in order to restore some semblance of peace, you would need to apologise for your own wrongs as he has done for his (once you helped him understand what he had done to hurt you)

 

But back to his wife dying. Since my mother died when I was 16, I have had a different outlook on relationships/friendships. When my mother passed, I was still in that angsty teenage state. She and I had various conflicts (as mothers and teenage daughters so often do) and I had been too young to 1) know how to resolve those conflicts and 2) understand what it meant to have a finite amount of time with my mother. I still to this day have many regrets over my relationship with her in the years leading up to her death, and even after she passed when I was too choked up to speak at her funeral. It is hard to grieve the loss of someone you love, but even more so when you might have had 'unfinished business' with them

 

In my adult life, I have had a strong need to make peace in all of my relationships/friendships if/when they end. Sometimes that happens as soon as they end, or sometimes I just let someone go without fighting because I don't want to leave a sour taste in their mouths. Many times I will contact months or years later to apologise for my part (maybe unnecessarily)

 

So I fully empathise with that need to make peace. And I feel that this is what he's trying to do. I think losing someone before you're ready to, especially if the relationship wasn't always easy, forces you to look at things differently. If one of you were to die tomorrow, he'd have done his best to make peace, and he can move on like that.

Making peace does somewhat leave the door open and leave hopes lingering, which can be really painful, but for some people it's important for the reasons I've described above

 

I know a lot of people don't see the point in making peace, but I feel it really deeply

I've even done it twice today LOL - two former best friends, one contacted me, and the other I reached out to

 

FWIW, if you can bring yourself to, in a week or so you should try and send him a short text or email saying "I'm sorry for what happened, though I still think it's best that we don't have contact for now"

It probably will make it easier for you to move on too

[Johnson]

I appreciate everyone's responses, and I'd like to say I agree with some advice, and not so much with some other parts of it. This man's wife died nine years ago. Prior to me, he had another woman who had actually moved in with him for less than a year, and he ended up breaking her heart by changing his mind about their relationship and asked her to move out! I learned about this prior woman soon after I began to see this man when I saw her name light up on his phone, and also when I saw her name pop up on his television in a Netflix Account, and I began asking questions. He did not voluntarily tell me about her. I had to probe! His explanation was that "They had outgrown one another!" And he also told me he had never really Loved her! Yet, he had moved her in his home to live with him! These issues truly alarmed me, and I am not the kind of woman who plans to be "USED" like this, and this is one big area that set our relationship off to a bad start in the first place.

 

As I see it, this man has some kind of commitment issue, and likely is still dealing with issues relating to his late wife because I do not see him being able to give his heart to another woman, rather I see him as someone who may "want" another woman around to keep him from being lonely on occasion, but as any meaningful commitment, he's not going to do it! I do not want that for myself!

 

He is also Hispanic and I am Caucasian, and lots of folks warned me about the Hispanic male ego, and some of that is starting to prove itself true. I have been divorced and very independent for a long time. I haven't needed a man in my life. I've done pretty well on my own. I would "like" a nice man. I don't "need" one.

 

I agree with what one responder wrote; he hasn't made clear what his intention was to re-contact me! I asked him multiple times why he did contact me. He never clearly defined that! He is too proud to say why! He wants me to grovel, and I'm not going to be his whipping girl! I've already paid too much emotionally for him! It's been a very hard road emotionally with this man. Until and unless he can become the soft and easy gentleman he was when he was first pursuing me, I cannot bend myself into an emotional pretzel for his ego any longer!

[SweetGirl28]

I appreciate everyone's responses, and I'd like to say I agree with some advice, and not so much with some other parts of it. This man's wife died nine years ago. Prior to me, he had another woman who had actually moved in with him for less than a year, and he ended up breaking her heart by changing his mind about their relationship and asked her to move out! I learned about this prior woman soon after I began to see this man when I saw her name light up on his phone, and also when I saw her name pop up on his television in a Netflix Account, and I began asking questions. He did not voluntarily tell me about her. I had to probe! His explanation was that "They had outgrown one another!" And he also told me he had never really Loved her! Yet, he had moved her in his home to live with him! These issues truly alarmed me, and I am not the kind of woman who plans to be "USED" like this, and this is one big area that set our relationship off to a bad start in the first place.

 

As I see it, this man has some kind of commitment issue, and likely is still dealing with issues relating to his late wife because I do not see him being able to give his heart to another woman, rather I see him as someone who may "want" another woman around to keep him from being lonely on occasion, but as any meaningful commitment, he's not going to do it! I do not want that for myself!

 

He is also Hispanic and I am Caucasian, and lots of folks warned me about the Hispanic male ego, and some of that is starting to prove itself true. I have been divorced and very independent for a long time. I haven't needed a man in my life. I've done pretty well on my own. I would "like" a nice man. I don't "need" one.

 

I agree with what one responder wrote; he hasn't made clear what his intention was to re-contact me! I asked him multiple times why he did contact me. He never clearly defined that! He is too proud to say why! He wants me to grovel, and I'm not going to be his whipping girl! I've already paid too much emotionally for him! It's been a very hard road emotionally with this man. Until and unless he can become the soft and easy gentleman he was when he was first pursuing me, I cannot bend myself into an emotional pretzel for his ego any longer!

 

There ya go!! Read what you wrote yourself, daily!

You are your own reminder to stay clear of him!

 

As far as being the gentleman he was when he first pursued you, aren't most of them that way?

Then their true colors reveal themselves as they get comfortable.

You're hurt, and understandably so. But you know moving on is a good decision.

[Everlong13]

As far as being the gentleman he was when he first pursued you, aren't most of them that way?

Then their true colors reveal themselves as they get comfortable.

 

Yes! So frustrating. I genuinely don't think I act differently at the start, although if anything I'm more wary and then get more comfortable. My ex was perfect at the start then became selfish, complacent and less open with his feelings as time went on.

[Liraele]

Yeah, you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

 

I'd take this as an example that you guys obviously haven't healed enough to be in communication - and his insistence on an apology (and documentation supporting that you haven't apologized) indicates a hefty ability to hold a grudge on his part.

 

Let it go, and why don't YOU do the blocking this time. Save yourself the trouble.

[figureitout23]

I agree with what one responder wrote; he hasn't made clear what his intention was to re-contact me! I asked him multiple times why he did contact me. He never clearly defined that! He is too proud to say why! He wants me to grovel, and I'm not going to be his whipping girl! I've already paid too much emotionally for him! It's been a very hard road emotionally with this man. Until and unless he can become the soft and easy gentleman he was when he was first pursuing me, I cannot bend myself into an emotional pretzel for his ego any longer!

 

So what you're saying is you both had agendas.

 

He wanted you to apologize, you wanted him to say he wanted you back.

 

If your communication is this bad you two probably aren't going to work out. Best to let this one go and work on expressing yourself more in the next relationship. Digging your heels in and throwing a fit, and yes, you are throwing a fit, will run any relationship down to the ground. You have to be willing to communicate and meet your partner halfway, it doesn't hurt to put your ego aside every now and then.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not going to comment on any of your opening post except to say good for you for telling him not to contact you again. You shut the door on a man that you were unable to maintain a copacetic relationship with and you took back your personal power from him. Now its time to do the mental work you need to do to get to the stage of indifference to him so you can be clear of him in mind and heart and thus be open enough to let a guy that is better suited to you in.

 

Good luck in your next adventure in dating.