I am not capable of maintaining a relationship?

[br3ak]

Hi! this is my first post on this forum , I am 23 years old. I have been in so many relationships by now and there always comes a point until I can't take it anymore and I walk away.

 

I will keep it as short as possible. It's always the same with me, like the same algorithm over and over again. I meet a girl, I like her, we get into a relationship, then one of these things happen.

 

1. I stay monogamous, then eventually whether it's 2 weeks in, or few months into the relationship ( however much time it takes me to get emotionally invested ), I start getting jealous and possessive out of anything. I had to leave relationships for reasons like: she had a guy friend or more, or she was dressing revealingly, or she went in clubs, and so many other things. Then at some point or another, I can't take it anymore, whatever she did that bothered me doesn't leave me alone ever, I can't study well, I can't workout well, I can't even sleep well because it causes me bad dreams. I start feeling so ty that I have to walk away, I learned that most of the things that bother me are accepted into our current society so I never even bothered to complain about it, one day, I just leave the relationship without any explanation cause I'm dying inside.

 

2. My friends told me to sleep around with other girls, or at least hang out, that that's what they do to not look "weak" by getting jealous about different things, and yes, it was some sort of miracle, it legitimately seemed to have fixed all my problems...at first. I was in a relationship with this girl, she was great, problem was that she had this group of friends, that involved other dudes that seemed really close to her. I was getting so butthurt whenever she hanged out with them, that one time I legitimately threw up. Then I got reminded what my friends told me, I started seeing another girl ( old friend ), and bam, whenever my gf went to see her group of friends, I suddenly started to not feel anything anymore, because I had this other girl that I cared about. Thing is, when I mean I started to not feel anything anymore, I really mean anything. In time, I lost any feelings for her and eventually broke up. And that's when I learned another thing about myself, if I see other girls other than my girlfriend, yes I don't feel jealousy anymore but I lose all interest in her whatsoever and the relationship of course ends.

 

And none of these things happened just once, I have tried to make so many relationships work, and each and one of them ended in one of the ways listed above ( mostly the first one ).

 

I saw, in secret, a couple of different psychologists about this, it didn't help. One of them seemed completely careless and we couldn't really connect, and the other 2 both got at some point to the same conclusion, that I am getting jealous and insecure because I am afraid to lose "her" ( whoever "her" was at that specific time ), the most clicheic thing in the book. I proved them both that it's not the fear of losing her that's the problem, by ending things with the girl in question.....and I was fine. None of them, and noone in this world seems to understand that it just bothers me, and that I'm not afraid of losing anyone, or that I'm scared I am not going to find another girl like her or at all for the rest of my life. I proved myself numerous times that that's not the case.

 

I don't even know what my goal is with posting this.

[Edmund Exley]

I would venture that some therapy with the right counselor would do you some good. A lot of the behaviors you are describing usually have roots. Insecurity. Growing up with bad role models when it comes to relationships. Abuse. Family dysfunction. You may be afraid to lose her, but there is generally a root to abandonment fears.

 

Oh, and stop listening to your friend.

[itsallgrand]

Have you considered giving yourself some time and permission to simply be single without committing to one particular person?

 

Maybe there's nothing wrong with you at all. Maybe you just leap into relationships too fast? Maybe you are trying to commit to someone who is not compatible with you? Or maybe you just aren't at a place in your life where you are ready to commit?

 

A lot of maybes, I know! I'd just be hesitant to say there automatically is something wrong that at your age none of your relationships have stuck.

[Wiseman2]

I agree that possessiveness and excess jealousy are precisely for this reason 3ak;6919244]the other 2 both got at some point to the same conclusion, that I am getting jealous and insecure because I am afraid to lose "her"

[DancingFool]

I saw, in secret, a couple of different psychologists about this, it didn't help. One of them seemed completely careless and we couldn't really connect, and the other 2 both got at some point to the same conclusion, that I am getting jealous and insecure because I am afraid to lose "her" ( whoever "her" was at that specific time ), the most clicheic thing in the book. I proved them both that it's not the fear of losing her that's the problem, by ending things with the girl in question.....and I was fine. None of them, and noone in this world seems to understand that it just bothers me, and that I'm not afraid of losing anyone, or that I'm scared I am not going to find another girl like her or at all for the rest of my life. I proved myself numerous times that that's not the case.

 

I don't even know what my goal is with posting this.

 

Well the psychiatrists are correct. Your jealousy is driven by fear of loss and deep rooted insecurities. As for they are wrong, because..... What you are doing is indeed cliche. Your ego can't take the idea of losing her to another guy, so you do the self preservation thing and dump her before she has a chance to dump you, so you "win" and preserve your ego. It doesn't hurt so much when you feel in control of the decision, except that you will never form healthy bonds and relationships until you actually face up and address this issue for real instead of getting defensive and just dismissing what professional people are telling you. Start making better decisions for yourself and go back to one of them and get this garbage out of your system.

[indea08]

I actually disagree that this is about insecurities. I also don't believe that you were afraid of losing whichever "her" you were with at the time. I say this because, as you said, you ultimately left them and you were fine.

 

I think this is about your warped sense of how relationships function, mixed with a bit of a control issue. First of all, you have no business telling some 20-something year old woman that she can't have guy friends, or dress a certain way, or go to clubs. You don't own her. And if you don't like her AS SHE IS without your input, then you shouldn't date her. Think of it like this: if you see a beautiful flower, I mean truly appreciate the beauty of it, then you shouldn't pick it, because then it will cease to be the thing you admired. It'll be dried up and dead. But if you leave it alone, it will continue to be the beautiful flower that you appreciate. If you can't learn not to be controlling, then you shouldn't be dating at all until you've figured that out.

 

Secondly, your friend is an idiot. Jealousy doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. Similarly, sleeping with someone else to avoid looking weak makes you an a**hole. That's highschool logic. You're an adult. If you feel something, you own it, you discuss it, you decide TOGETHER how to handle it. Being in a relationship is being part of a team. Your teammate is your girlfriend, THAT is who you should confide in. Your friend should not be involved in any of this, partially because it's inappropriate, and partially because he gives the advice of a 15-year old.

[br3ak]

First of all, you have no business telling some 20-something year old woman that she can't have guy friends, or dress a certain way, or go to clubs. You don't own her. And if you don't like her AS SHE IS without your input, then you shouldn't date her.

 

I have heard this a billion times before and I really hoped you got that I understand these are society's standards when I said "I learned that most of the things that bother me are accepted into our current society so I never even bothered to complain about it" in my main post. I don't ever complain about it, I think it's wrong and I disagree with some of it but I accepted it as a standard already. It's the same speech everyone will give you on autopilot when a jealousy issue comes up, I got it, doesn't help me.