Broken trust after long distance open relationship

[adviceplease10]

This past year I've been in a long distance-open relationship (as he got a job in another country). I'll never do that again. We agreed to one night stands and if anyone started dating someone they had to tell the other person. This was after 6 years of a more or less long distance (monogamous) relationship, two weeks together two weeks apart type of thing.

 

A little over a month before we were okaying to see each other again he started dating two girls at the same time. One he saw about five times and didn't sleep with but was into. The other he saw frequently, apparently didn't have feelings for her, and slept with her three times. I found out about the first because when I went to visit him had replied to some messages from her. Which upset me. He told me the truth about there and we had a massive argument because he was still in contact with her and technically was dating her while he was telling me that he was completely in love with me, missed me, and wanted to live with me when he finishes up his contract, but we worked through that. I asked if there is anything less that I needed to know and he said that was it. I returned home and received a friend request from a girl that he knows. I asked him who she was and he got nervous and said nobody, just a casual friend I didn't need to add her. The next day I said I knew he wasn't telling me everything so he just informed me a bit more of who she was, but said nothing happened. I chose to believe him. He unfriended her a couple days later...I knew something was off. He finally came back and we started getting back to our old-selves, maybe even better. But I knew something was off. He finally told me that they made out on a number occasions and saw each other quite often. Then the following day he said that there was one more lie that he had to tell me, he slept with her. He told me that he slept with her on our anniversary. After he had sent me a really nice message. The next morning I tried to call him and we talked briefly but he was with her (I didn't know) and said he would be back home soon about an hour or two. He never showed for our call. He spent the day with her. He said he felt guilty, but three days later he slept with her again. And they were still friends on facebook up til the day she added me. He also seemed to be planning to keep the other girl on facebook, until I told him he had to tell her about me and tell her the truth, which took like 3 days before he did it and me breaking down in tears.

 

 

When we were talking about it he broke down crying and begging me for a second chance. I know the situation was complicated, but the fact that he lied to me on so many occasions (recently, not before) has broken my trust in him. The thing is, up until August he had never acted like that and I had total trust in him. I'm just trying to figure out if I will ever be able to trust him again and how to go about the healing process. I technically broke up with him, but I am still in love with him.

[Honeycomb8]

Sleeping with her on your anniversary must have stung. Ouch.

Please leave him behind, you deserve so much better than this crap.

[firelily]

I think this guy needs to get his act together before he deserves some sort of a second chance. He makes mistakes after mistakes and isn't showing commitment. It was unnecessarily cruelty on his side to tell you that it happened on your anniversary. And keeping this girl on Facebook... you shouldn't have to be the guardian of his fidelity, he should value your relationship on his own enough not to put himself in dangerous situations. You're not his priority anymore, he prioritized time with that girl over your set date. It doesn't look like he knows what he wants, but he needs to be 100% in for this to ever work again (that is if you will be able to trust him again).

 

Maybe this kind of cold shower will make him decide what's really important for him. Because the flexible arrangement wasn't working for you and made it only more difficult for you both to stay committed.

 

But LDR is never easy. You tried an open relationship in hope it will make it easier and it didn't worked out. Maybe it wouldn't work out even if this wasn't an agreed thing. If you already pulled away from each other, it will be close to impossible to get your relationship to a great place while still in long distance. Maybe you should break up for the time being. If he decides that you're the love of his life and gets a job where you live - or you will agree to relocate somewhere for him - you might get another shot at this, as long as he learned from his mistakes and as long as you're able to feel the trust again.

 

Or maybe this is just over. Unfortunately long distance sometimes kills things that otherwise stood some chance.

[glitterfingers]

Correct me if I am wrong, but the purpose of open relationships is so that partners can be 100% transparent and honest with each other about their polygamous digressions and there will be no judgement for these trysts since the policy is openness and honesty. He has not upheld his end of the arrangement, which says to me that this open arrangement is not working and that this relationship is not meant to be. Whose idea was it, originally, to go open?

 

If it was his, I'd be seriously questioning his integrity. He doesn't actually intend or want to be honest about what he's doing. This suggests to me an internal conflict on his part, whereby he's lying to protect himself from consequences since he must know that he's doing something that is against the rules. Why else would he lie, if he thought that you would be okay to hear the truth? Have you ever given him a reason to believe that he is not safe to be honest with you about his affairs with other women?

 

I really don't think this situation was complicated. I think it was very straightforward - he cheated you in an open relationship. HOW do you manage to cheat in an open relationship? If "cheating" means breaking the rules, he's cheated! And it's not like he didn't have the freedom to have affairs and tell the truth about it. People forgive cheaters who lie because they're scared that a meaningless sexual encounter will end their relationship. Do you think you can forgive him for lying for no good reason other than to have his cake and eat it too?

 

I personally wouldn't be able to trust again after this because I'd know that he was continuing to have affairs with other women, and that he can't control when he becomes attached. Maybe you could end the open arrangement in your relationship, but it doesn't sound like he'll stay monogamous after you've agreed to be open. I don't see what the point is in continuing if you have already done your best to implement an agreement where you relax boundaries in order to enhance trust/connection, and he's betrayed that privilege. He's an idiot

 

Also, if you haven't blocked that girl who added you, I'd probably ask her if there's something she wants to tell you. Consider that he still might not have told you everything

[Angeloola]

Yes, I would question why a girl you have never met who is sleeping with your partner would want to add you as a friend on Facebook.

[Longview01]

Why did you agree to an open relationship and are not kicking off about everything he does?

 

This relationship is ruined and you are both to blame, walk away

[MissCanuck]

I would be done with him. He is a liar, and you are going to find it incredibly difficult to overlook the dishonesty.

 

Also, as another poster pointed out, I would find out if this other girl has something to talk about. It's very strange that she would add the girlfriend of her fling on social media; my guess is there was a lot more to their story than you know, and she might want to fill in the blanks for you.

 

He is still hiding plenty, I am sure of it.