I don't know how to move on from this guy...help??

[blackrose45]

I’m sure others have been it this situation countless times but I am so stuck I’m not sure where to turn with it. I was seeing a guy for a year until the summer when he left me for a middle aged woman. We are both in our early thirties and she is coming up to her mid to late forties. To say I was shocked was an understatement. He couldn’t even tell me himself. I was messaged on Instagram by a person on his art course. They are both art students, I am not but I am very creative myself.

 

After finally admitting what was going on, he never actually apologised or admitted what he did was in the slightest bit wrong. Anyway, I was devastated. I have tried my hardest to move on with my life. I started counselling, became more social (I was living in a new area and so when I was with him, I didn’t know that many people) and I have tried to work hard on building my confidence, however I am still so cut up over this person. I have been dating and I was very briefly seeing someone else, which I thought could be a fresh start but it didn’t work out. All these months, I’ve never fallen out of love with this guy. We met for a drink to try and draw a line under everything but we just ended up chatting rather than sorting anything out.

 

Recently he admitted me to me that he hadn’t loved anyone since his ex girlfriend (the one before me) and he hadn’t been able to let anyone else in…which at least in a comforting way means he doesn’t love this woman. What really hurts is I know he’s doing all the things with her that he never did with me. Taking her to places and sharing things. I’ve never had that with any guy, they’ve always done the day trips and friend meet ups with other women than me. I feel very much like I’m only good for one thing.

 

I really thought I was making some headway but last week he admitted to wanting to sleep with me again and he was only ‘kind of’ seeing this woman. At that point he said he thought I was seeing someone too. We agreed to meet up (not to sleep together) to get some closure as I said I just needed to move on. He said nothing I could say would change anything and I assured him I didn’t want him back. I’m not sure that was the truth. He said If I didn’t want to talk about that, then there was nothing to say.

 

The weird thing is, I’ve dated guys like this before and he totally didn’t seem like a player. He was sweet and shy and nervous and so kind when we first met. Totally not the kind of guy who would do this (or so I thought). Last week I asked him where that sweet beautiful boy had gone and his reply was ‘he’s still here’ but ‘could we please give it a while?’.

 

I am so confused. I have tried so hard or so I thought, to move on but clearly not hard enough. I'm in my thirties...jeez, I thought I'd left all this behind.

[figureitout23]

Unfortunately I don't think you are trying at all to move on. On the contrary, if you're a member here you know the best way to move on is to block him and go no contact.

 

Do you want to believe him? I wouldn't, but if you do tell him to give you a call after he's gotten 'enough time'. And go no contact. Don't let him sweet talk you or sucker you into sleeping with him, if he breaks up with the other woman, Commits to you, treats you the way you're supposed to be treated then ok, but if he doesn't, if he stops bothering once you let him know your boundaries, well you have your answer.

 

I wouldn't though, he has another girlfriend he has no issues treating right so the idea he needs time to treat you right is bull but if you want to believe him, tell him your boundaries. You have none now, which is why he's trying to weasel his way back into your pants NSA

[SoulTaker]

After finally admitting what was going on, he never actually apologised or admitted what he did was in the slightest bit wrong. Anyway, I was devastated. I have tried my hardest to move on with my life. I started counselling, became more social (I was living in a new area and so when I was with him, I didn’t know that many people) and I have tried to work hard on building my confidence, however I am still so cut up over this person. I have been dating and I was very briefly seeing someone else, which I thought could be a fresh start but it didn’t work out. All these months, I’ve never fallen out of love with this guy. We met for a drink to try and draw a line under everything but we just ended up chatting rather than sorting anything out.

 

We agreed to meet up (not to sleep together) to get some closure as I said I just needed to move on. He said nothing I could say would change anything and I assured him I didn’t want him back.

 

I am so confused. I have tried so hard or so I thought, to move on but clearly not hard enough. I'm in my thirties...jeez, I thought I'd left all this behind.

 

Op, there is nothing confusing about this. It's pretty much black and white. He cheated on you and you found out through someone else. He then disrespects you further by wanting to sleep with you, which means that he feels that you're emotionally weak, since you're still interacting with him.

 

This closure thing is a joke, as though you're still trying to find a way to be around him. Just go NC, and move on. Your time is too important to further waste on this person.

[Hollyj]

He has cheated on and lied to you. He only wants you for sex. Certainly you want better for yourself? This guy is a real creep!

 

I cannot understand why you have not deleted and blocked if you want to move on! He has zero respect for you.

[Hollyj]

"Should i give up with this guy

This is quite long..sorry about that but I'm just after some advice, which I guess is why we are all here.

 

So, way back in April I went on a date with this guy I met at a gig. I didn't think there was anything between us and so when I finished the date, he texted me to ask if I got home ok, I said yes. At the end of our date he had said text me sometime but I really wasn't that keen so didn't bother.

 

Anyway, fast forward a few months to this summer, I had moved to a new city for work and I guess I was pretty lonely, as I'm currently living with a friend from my university days but don't know that many people here.

 

Weirdly, I got asked to interview date guy as part of my work (I'm a music journalist) and so we started hanging out and weirdly (well I think Tequila had something to do with it), we ended up spending the night together, if someone asked me why I did that, I'll never know. The next day I fully expected nothing more from it but he was very loving and affectionate. I didn't think I wanted anything from this and so I was a bit like, 'Ok well, I'll contact when your article is live' and that was it.

 

Thinking on it though, we started texting and he said he'd just got out of something and so wasn't looking for anything serious as he still liked his ex-girlfriend but we could hang out and he liked being with me. So we did and we sort of started seeing each other. He actually seemed, kind and funny and nice (if that's not too much of a boring word) but all this time although I enjoyed hanging out with him and the sex was really fun, I didn't think I had any actual feelings for him. I should add that he's the first person I'd slept with a super long time...(so much so I was quite surprised I'd remembered what to do!! -- haha!)

 

 

So, then we didn't see each other for two weeks as I went on holiday, the day before I went on holiday he told me that he had feelings for me. Then when I got back I found out he had spent time with his ex-girlfriend (as friends, he claims) and it hit me just how much I did like him, how strong my feelings were, I was devastated that he had done that.

 

I told him how he'd made me feel cheap and worthless and why couldn't he just have been honest with me that he had done that? We met again, and basically agreed to be friends because he said he hadn't met up with me just to have sex with me, or for the promo (and I was like, well that was a work thing anyway) and he actually really liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. Then we started messing around we were like we both want this but we can't do it - he agreed that he couldn't do a friends with benefits thing with me (I don't want that) because he actually liked me.

 

He said how sorry he was but that night when we were trying to sort things out he admitted he still loved his ex-girlfriend and I think that stung more than anything because I had known there were some feelings there but not LOVE

 

Anyway, we have said we will try to be friends and I heard from him last week saying about hanging out soon but nothing more than that. I do miss him, as a friend as much as anything else. I just wonder if I will actually ever see him again or the friends thing was a line? I don't know what to do if I'm honest."

Is this the same guy?

[MissCanuck]

I am so confused. I have tried so hard or so I thought, to move on but clearly not hard enough. I'm in my thirties...jeez, I thought I'd left all this behind.

 

Bingo. You are not trying hard enough at all.

 

Trying hard would not involve still communicating with him, especially about his love life. It would not involve meeting up for any reason. You can't be surprised that you haven't moved on under these circumstances.

 

Also, you need to understand that there is no one "type" of guy who behaves like this. Sure, it might be more obvious for some who have women orbiting them, for example, but that does not mean that the seemingly-innocent types aren't capable of it as well. My experience has taught me that cheaters come in all shapes, sizes, colours, dress styles, and so on. It comes as a shock when someone you thought was a good guy turns out not to be, but you can't hang on to him because of who you thought he was. That isn't who he is.

 

So, it's time to really try hard to let go. If you keep meeting up with him and chatting with him, it won't happen.

[blackrose45]

"Should i give up with this guy

This is quite long..sorry about that but I'm just after some advice, which I guess is why we are all here.

 

So, way back in April I went on a date with this guy I met at a gig. I didn't think there was anything between us and so when I finished the date, he texted me to ask if I got home ok, I said yes. At the end of our date he had said text me sometime but I really wasn't that keen so didn't bother.

 

Anyway, fast forward a few months to this summer, I had moved to a new city for work and I guess I was pretty lonely, as I'm currently living with a friend from my university days but don't know that many people here.

 

Weirdly, I got asked to interview date guy as part of my work (I'm a music journalist) and so we started hanging out and weirdly (well I think Tequila had something to do with it), we ended up spending the night together, if someone asked me why I did that, I'll never know. The next day I fully expected nothing more from it but he was very loving and affectionate. I didn't think I wanted anything from this and so I was a bit like, 'Ok well, I'll contact when your article is live' and that was it.

 

Thinking on it though, we started texting and he said he'd just got out of something and so wasn't looking for anything serious as he still liked his ex-girlfriend but we could hang out and he liked being with me. So we did and we sort of started seeing each other. He actually seemed, kind and funny and nice (if that's not too much of a boring word) but all this time although I enjoyed hanging out with him and the sex was really fun, I didn't think I had any actual feelings for him. I should add that he's the first person I'd slept with a super long time...(so much so I was quite surprised I'd remembered what to do!! -- haha!)

 

 

So, then we didn't see each other for two weeks as I went on holiday, the day before I went on holiday he told me that he had feelings for me. Then when I got back I found out he had spent time with his ex-girlfriend (as friends, he claims) and it hit me just how much I did like him, how strong my feelings were, I was devastated that he had done that.

 

I told him how he'd made me feel cheap and worthless and why couldn't he just have been honest with me that he had done that? We met again, and basically agreed to be friends because he said he hadn't met up with me just to have sex with me, or for the promo (and I was like, well that was a work thing anyway) and he actually really liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. Then we started messing around we were like we both want this but we can't do it - he agreed that he couldn't do a friends with benefits thing with me (I don't want that) because he actually liked me.

 

He said how sorry he was but that night when we were trying to sort things out he admitted he still loved his ex-girlfriend and I think that stung more than anything because I had known there were some feelings there but not LOVE

 

Anyway, we have said we will try to be friends and I heard from him last week saying about hanging out soon but nothing more than that. I do miss him, as a friend as much as anything else. I just wonder if I will actually ever see him again or the friends thing was a line? I don't know what to do if I'm honest."

Is this the same guy?

 

Hi, No it isn't.

[blackrose45]

Bingo. You are not trying hard enough at all.

 

Trying hard would not involve still communicating with him, especially about his love life. It would not involve meeting up for any reason. You can't be surprised that you haven't moved on under these circumstances.

 

Also, you need to understand that there is no one "type" of guy who behaves like this. Sure, it might be more obvious for some who have women orbiting them, for example, but that does not mean that the seemingly-innocent types aren't capable of it as well. My experience has taught me that cheaters come in all shapes, sizes, colours, dress styles, and so on. It comes as a shock when someone you thought was a good guy turns out not to be, but you can't hang on to him because of who you thought he was. That isn't who he is.

 

So, it's time to really try hard to let go. If you keep meeting up with him and chatting with him, it won't happen.

 

Thanks for your help. I know I need to try harder. It's though I feel I have a heap of unanswered questions in my head. I guess I can't understand why he would want to persue a woman nearing fifty years old. Why he somehow feels she is better to hang out with than me. I do have some self esteem and think I'm fun. I have a very active social life. I don't know..he's just always in the back of my head, even though I know he shouldn't be. I have blocked him on all social media just now, so that's a step forward I guess.

[blackrose45]

Unfortunately I don't think you are trying at all to move on. On the contrary, if you're a member here you know the best way to move on is to block him and go no contact.

 

Do you want to believe him? I wouldn't, but if you do tell him to give you a call after he's gotten 'enough time'.

I wouldn't though, he has another girlfriend he has no issues treating right so the idea he needs time to treat you right is bull but if you want to believe him

 

Thank you. I do wonder why he treats me that way but treats the other woman (I think she's too old to be called a girlfriend) well. It seems so odd to me, I must give off some vibe that that's all i'm good for?

It's interesting that you think that he needs time...I'm not giving him any. Do you think that's what he is alluding to? I'm just at a total loss to be honest. It's like, I KNOW he treated me badly (he insists he didn't) but I can't let him go. I go on dates with people...I started seeing someone else but there's always this guy in the background.

[Hollyj]

Delete his number and info.

[figureitout23]

It's interesting that you think that he needs time...

 

That's not what what I said at all... in fact I said I wouldn't believe him. please see my intact response.

 

Do you want to believe him? I wouldn't, but if you do tell him to give you a call after he's gotten 'enough time'. And go no contact. Don't let him sweet talk you or sucker you into sleeping with him, if he breaks up with the other woman, Commits to you, treats you the way you're supposed to be treated then ok, but if he doesn't, if he stops bothering once you let him know your boundaries, well you have your answer.

 

I wouldn't though, he has another girlfriend he has no issues treating right so the idea he needs time to treat you right is bull but if you want to believe him, tell him your boundaries. You have none now, which is why he's trying to weasel his way back into your pants NSA

 

As you can see I believe you want to believe he does, I believe he's trying to get sex. Are you willing to set boundaries while he 'figures himself out' if you did I strongly believe he would stop bothering. He's stringing you along because you're allowing him to. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy.

 

Do you think that's what he is alluding to? I'm just at a total loss to be honest. It's like, I KNOW he treated me badly (he insists he didn't) but I can't let him go. I go on dates with people...I started seeing someone else but there's always this guy in the background.

 

Like I said, I believe you want to believe him. Are you sure this is a different guy? If so, it's hard to believe you can't let him go concidering the other guy was a month ago. Do you get obsessive tunnel vision when you fancy a man? Serious question.

[blackrose45]

That's not what what I said at all... in fact I said I wouldn't believe him. please see my intact response.

 

 

 

As you can see I believe you want to believe he does, I believe he's trying to get sex. Are you willing to set boundaries while he 'figures himself out' if you did I strongly believe he would stop bothering. He's stringing you along because you're allowing him to. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy.

 

 

 

Like I said, I believe you want to believe him. Are you sure this is a different guy? If so, it's hard to believe you can't let him go concidering the other guy was a month ago. Do you get obsessive tunnel vision when you fancy a man? Serious question.

 

Hello. I appear to have offended you, or at least it reads that way, sorry if that's the case I'm sorry if I took your words out of context. I honestly thought that is what you were suggesting.

My other thread was from some time last year I believe and so, yes this really is a different person. That's my point as to why I find it so confusing, because if a person has decided to move on with someone else, why would they need sex from me? surely they are doing that with the 'new' person.

 

It's not always the case, as I have dated guys and then not been bothered at all when it's ended but with the ones who I really fall for I do tend to get emotionally attached to too quickly. I'm not actually very good at relationships and I am aware of that. It seems reading through this forum that lots of people have the same issue though in a round about way. We all give too much of our time to people who often don't deserve it. I think I was more thinking along the lines of how to break the cycle because I don't understand why i'm still so attached to this person either. I think they are probably a good 'friend' as they seem to have a few really close ones but relationship wise they are very selfish.

[figureitout23]

Hello. I appear to have offended you, or at least it reads that way, sorry if that's the case I'm sorry if I took your words out of context. I honestly thought that is what you were suggesting.

My other thread was from some time last year I believe and so, yes this really is a different person. That's my point as to why I find it so confusing, because if a person has decided to move on with someone else, why would they need sex from me? surely they are doing that with the 'new' person.

 

It's not always the case, as I have dated guys and then not been bothered at all when it's ended but with the ones who I really fall for I do tend to get emotionally attached to too quickly. I'm not actually very good at relationships and I am aware of that. It seems reading through this forum that lots of people have the same issue though in a round about way. We all give too much of our time to people who often don't deserve it. I think I was more thinking along the lines of how to break the cycle because I don't understand why i'm still so attached to this person either. I think they are probably a good 'friend' as they seem to have a few really close ones but relationship wise they are very selfish.

 

Oops sorry you're right it was last year. I'm not offended at all, just wanted to clarify what I said.

 

I don't think he needs sex from you, rather he wants it and if he knows you're still pinning over him, why not have some fun? Some people really get off on having people want them.

 

I don't get why men do this, I don't get why women play the games they play, I'm sure there's is some psychological reason, but I'm in no position to give it.

 

I really don't think he is doing this because he has unresolved feelings for you, I don't think you two are star crossed lovers. As you said, he has a girlfriend, older, whatever, he's choosing to be in a relationship with her while continuing to talk to you.

 

I think once you kinda accept his rejection, it'll be easier to begin to move on.

 

I know it sucks, but one day at a time you'll move forward.