Cautious the second time around

[Colver]

Gut feelings of a nice guy, I have been divorced for almost two years and have been in a relationship for 1 of those years. The last four months I have had some gut feelings. She has said numerous times she does not deserve me, and gives me pause.

 

Some background on me:

My ex treated me very poorly and I suspected she no longer loved me or respected me so after many years of that I asked for divorce. I isolated myself after that and took high road and did things to add security to my life so I could concentrate on making myself happy. I went to counseling before I made the decision and over the years tried to get my wife to do couples counseling. She would always agree, then go and immediately spend the time singing my praise on the ride home she would continue praise and recommend not doing this anymore and chalk it up to a bump in marriage. She would go back to unloving disrespectful in weeks. I could not take it anymore and needed out she filed for divorce moved out tried to make me into a bad guy but I took high road and did all I could to get out.

 

6 months later I met someone and stated dating, this person was very touchy feely and that was something I did without for 25 years. Needless to say things moved fast and she moved in.

 

She has had a few bad relationships with what I would consider narcissistic men that emotionally and verbally abused her. Her first husband is doing his best to isolate her from her kids. I work in behavioral health and think she is borderline manic. I am a very tentative person that always tries to uncover the best in people. She says I am a unicorn among men, and she does not deserve me.

 

The more I think about that the more it makes me uncomfortable. I try to engage her on why she believes this and she deflects. This makes me more wary. She is very dependant on me financially and would probably be homeless without me. This makes me feel like I trapped her but she says no. She has lots of satalite guys that I think she chats with but she says she is madly in love with just me. It was very hard for me to leave a 25 year marriage and I just may be overly cautious.

 

What do you think.

[DanZee]

Well, off hand, it sounds like she's trapped you. She's got you to support her. That's why she feels she doesn't deserve you. It's a special guy who would do that. She may be going overboard singing your praises but she doesn't want to lose you or her living arrangements.

 

I think you're in the exact opposite kind of relationship than with your ex-wife who sounds like she was trying to emotionally abuse you. If you get along with your girlfriend, I would say go with the flow. She sounds like she's very grateful to have found you.

[Colver]

It is the exact opposite of my ex wich scares me a little but I can see how I got to that point in hindsight with the ex. I kind of feel like I trapped her and worry about that causing her to self sabotage the relationship. I feel my Ex was probably emotionally or even physically cheating on me and used me as a paycheck so she could play. Because I am again the finacial holder of all the cards I worry that this will evolve to the same type relationship. Because of her past narcissistic relations I try not to control her with money and do my best to help herself to get ahead. She is still reluctant to talk to me about things that gets her down but i speak freely about my failures and fears. I think we are a great match but I am afraid that she feels unworthy of my attention and does not realize that she brings more to my table than income that means more to me. I worry that she will do something to prove herself right.

[Colver]

I am still have a gut feeling she communicates with these satellite guys more than she lets on. She has told me that the relationships are platonic but I don't believe those relationships exist. Sunday she went back into town after we just got back to pick something up she forgot. She was gone for 2.5 hours and was acting weird when she returned, I asked if everything was ok she said "she did not want to get into it as she would just end up crying". This did not help my gut feelings as she was very detached for the day and the next. She chatted me on Tuesday and asked if I was mad, I responded "should I be?". No chats for two days after that and she still seemed distant when she was home. This kind of puts me on pins and needles.

 

I feel we should talk about boundaries and respect, I think Im pretty black and white about these but I don't think she knows I have specific boundaries (my bad). My last relationship was 26 years and it was killed by her lack of respect for me. I dont know if I should just say "Hey chatting with single guy A&B or even married guy is not ok with me" "I would gladly meet with them with them in public or group setting when we are together but I would consider meeting them one on one without me as crossing a line" When that line is crossed I will need to reevaluate our relationship status.

[reinventmyself]

You need to speak up. You talk in length about how her past relationships have shaped her. But you are ignoring your own track record and not laying down a healthy foundation of boundaries and limits for yourself.

 

The notion that she came back from a simple errand emotionally shaken up and you don't so much as try to get to the bottom of it is tantamount to putting your head in the sand. You admit that this pattern was partly the reason for the demise of your 26 yr marriage. Did you learn anything from that?

 

If I was with someone who didn't challenge me in this way and looked the other way as I chatted up a posse of men for attention, I might lose respect for him as well.

[Colver]

The more i contemplate it, it always comes back to boundries. I have none, and really have no idea how to set them or even initiate a conversation about them. I realy think because i always just clean up after the mess people just give me bigger messes and have a good time at my expense. For someone who is often told that i am smart and insightful, how could i not know how to set and keep boundries?

[Jibralta]

One way that you can set up boundaries is to tell her to lose the satellite guys. With that comes the risk of her choosing them over you.

[PICCOLLO]

Beta orbitors arent generally a threat but it sounds like this woman lacks confidence and might be supplementing the attention she gets from you with these other guys. Worse still if shes unemployed/idle and has time on her hands.

 

Youve mentioned that your values include: not thinking plutonic male/female relationships (or at least the ones she has) exist. If she disagrees then thats a fundamental issue. A boundary needs to be set here. After a failed relationship (potentially involving some form of infidelity) with parallels to this one, I set a boundary around male/female friendships and girlfriends. My new girlfriend respects it and shares the same values.

[Colver]

Beta orbitors arent generally a threat but it sounds like this woman lacks confidence and might be supplementing the attention she gets from you with these other guys. Worse still if shes unemployed/idle and has time on her hands.

 

Youve mentioned that your values include: not thinking plutonic male/female relationships (or at least the ones she has) exist. If she disagrees then thats a fundamental issue. A boundary needs to be set here. After a failed relationship (potentially involving some form of infidelity) with parallels to this one, I set a boundary around male/female friendships and girlfriends. My new girlfriend respects it and shares the same values.

 

We did have this boundary talk and she knows this is a hard line for me and understands it is a deal breaker for me. She recognises that she did not have boundaries with some of these people and can see how it can have a negative impact on me and herself.

 

we will see how things go as we both improve our self awareness