Confused...Mixed signals or Wishful thinking?

[Cryssy]

My ex (7 yr relationship, 2 kids together )and i have been apart for a little under 4 months. The first 2 mos there was barely any contact other than a periodic drop by to cut our son's hair. When he would come by, there wasn't much conversation between us other than hello and goodbye. Around the week of Halloween he began calling me with random things, including a lie that a friend of his had passed away. It turned out that the friend didn't die. He says he got the info wrong and that it was the cousin of the friend instead (someone I don't know). To me it just semed like he wanted to see if i would care for him or wanted a reason to call. He texted week before last to tell me that he listens to my favorite artist (who only sings about love) every morning. Last week, my children were on break from school for the Thanksgiving holiday and stayed home with my oldest (from a previous relationship, ) while I worked, my ex came by everyday and hung out with the kids for a bit. He was supposed to cut the boy's hair while he was here but instead, came back when I got home from work to cut their hair and on the way out yells out "I love y'all" which he has on every other occasion said it directly to the kids. My children said he would come into the room that we once shared while I was at work and just stand and look around. He also left some money for me which he should have been doing but had not done since he broke off our relationship and moved out. My dilemma is that I am still sad over our break up. I love him but i will not chase him. I want to talk to him but i fear rejection from him as our break up was ugly and he said some very ugly things to me that are not really his character so I can't gauge what is happening here or what he's doing. Maybe he's just testing the climate. Idk. Maybe I want it to be something it isn't.

[Andrina]

You don't say the reason for the breakup. A person who loved you would pull out all the stops before deciding on breaking up, such as communicating needs and giving their partner time to improve and working on things together, and/or attending couples counseling. If he didn't do those things, it tells you he didn't care enough.

 

What would I do now? Tell him that the communication needs to be about the children only because you need closure and that can't happen when he's texting stuff about other things only a current partner or friend would communicate about.

 

Holding out hope for him will prevent closure. He hasn't said he regrets the breakup, so don't assume his toying around with your affections means he does. It's actually cruel behavior and he doesn't care how you might be interpreting things. Men like this might be treating an ex like this to reel her in for booty calls without the effort it takes to be in an exclusive relationship.

 

You need to concentrate on making the transition go well for your children and pamper yourself the best you can during this difficult time. When you get some distance from this relationship, you will probably find the breakup happened for the best. Take care.

[DanZee]

Well, after 7 years and 2 kids you would think he still has a lot of feelings for you. I don't know what the fight was about, but I would guess he's missing you and the kids. If you're missing him and he wasn't abusing you, you should probably reconcile.

[Cryssy]

The break was due to insecurity that he had because I had begun to speak up on certain things that he was doing that I didn't agree with like him hanging out with friends multiple times a week til the wee hrs of the morning. I had also asked for him to get a more stable job as the one he had was not a reliable source of income (barber). He thought that my speaking up was due to having another man when really I just wanted him to step up. I was carrying the household, for the most part, financially.

[Cryssy]

there was no abuse. I said some ugly things to him when we broke up but it was because I felt pushed there. He wast taking things seriously after losing a job and I wanted us to stay on track financially so i would tell him. He would turn down temp jobs and I was thinking "How can you when the bills won't stop.?" I was stressed and he wanted to hang out. It would end up in argument and finally the break up.

[Cryssy]

Btw, I have NEVER cheated on him or given reason for him to think I was cheating. (I know that will be the next question😁 .

[firelily]

It sounds like you still care about each other, but also that you had reasons to part ways. Do you think he improved himself in areas that were problematic? Does he show serious attitude and responsibility towards finances? Does he put now the value of family and responsibilities connected to it over the value of social life with friends? Does he seem like he actually wants to work on himself and be a better partner this time? Because it would be bad if you got together just because you love each other, but acted the same way, had the same problems, the same approach to them and break up again. Make sure he really wants to try harder this time before giving him another chance - love is not enough, it has to come with putting effort in the relationship.

 

Also I don't understand what's going on here ->

 

Around the week of Halloween he began calling me with random things, including a lie that a friend of his had passed away. It turned out that the friend didn't die. He says he got the info wrong and that it was the cousin of the friend instead (someone I don't know). To me it just semed like he wanted to see if i would care for him or wanted a reason to call.

 

Wrong info about who died? Do you think he made that up? Or use it to reach you? Maybe you could specify, because from what you wrote it sounds like you guys have some immature approach to communication, pulling the strings of another person to make something happen.

[Cryssy]

There is definitely some immaturity there. I do believe he made up the story about his friend dying. He is very close to this friend and his family so there is no way in hell that he'd get the wrong information. I was sad for him and in mourning for at least 3 hrs and then he tells me "Awww man, I got it wrong it wasn't him. It was his cousin. " Also, poor communication was a huge part of our past problems, at times. I would want to have discussions when there were issues and he would want to get in the car and leave. I don't see a difference in him because we aren't around one another much at all. Love definitely is NOT enough to keep a relationship running smoothly.

[SweetGirl28]

Honestly, I think you can repair this.

 

It will take a great deal of effort and communication on both of your parts.

You both have to be willing.

 

Love won't be enough, but change and effort can be the glue to bind you together again.