1 year exclusive relationship but can't say he loves me

[fabact]

I've been with this same guy a year now wow. That went fast. He got in a serious car accident a few months into our relationship and I took him into my house and took care of him for a few months because he was so injured. He's now back at his house and fine and we've still been dating but he has always been emotionally distant and has said he's not sure he wants to live with someone unless it's to raise a kid. We're in our 40s. Hes divorced no kids.

 

Well coming up to the year mark I finally felt it was appropriate to ask him where he saw us. He said we don't say I love you to each other and I said I love him but feel he will run away if I say it. He admitted he hasnt felt it to say it.

 

So of course I start talking about ending things and he says he doesn't want to break it off. That we should revisit this conversation and decide together.

 

I'm heartbroken. Am I wrong to feel this will go nowhere if he can't say he loves me and can't say he sees a future with me? I feel like can't even invite him to Xmas parties now bc I'm afraid we won't be together in a month... Most importantly I'm afraid of being even more heartbroken down the line.

Any advice?

[shessofly]

Emotionally distant, doesn't want to live with someone unless it's to raise a child, divorced, both in your 40s.

 

Where would you like to see this relationship go? If he told you he loved (genuinely) you would you be content with continuing as-is? Him living at his place, you at yours? Would you be content with an emotionally distant partner? Are you hoping to have children? Do you want to get married some day?

 

Have you had a discussion about your future together?

[DimCrayola]

I think all of the questions asked by Shesofly are great - but also what is YOUR gut telling you? I know for me sometimes I already know the answers but I just don't want to believe them so I struggle and hold on tighter and force conversations because even though I know in my heart what is going on I want the other person to magically say all the right things and then give me all the things in life that I want. That never works so I encourage you to ask yourself what your gut is telling you...

 

You used words like distant....appropriate to ask him...

 

Those words sound like you might suspect that he is not all in with you - or is not sure. In either case you know that it isn't what you want. You want someone who is sure. Who, after a year, is able to reciprocate your feelings. You took care of him and showed him he can be vulnerable with you while he recovered that usually strengthens a bond. This truly sounds like he has some issues with commitment and that he isn't offering you what you want...he may want to hold on to you but do you want to hold on to him if this is as good as it gets with him?

[abitbroken]

I think that moving him in when injured makes you feel you two are farther along than you are -- it created false intimacy or false commitment. Didn't he have any relatives? My guy didn't say "i love you" for a whole year. He didn't NOT feel it -- he just overthought when was the right time to say it and he felt that saying it meant that he made a decision about me/was committed to me vs just feeling something. I do think that you should take him at face value - he doesn't want to live with someone unless he has a family with them. Maybe he felt a taste of living with you with no commitment and didn't like it - and being so dependent on you might have cast it in a bad light for him. I think you need to decide on whether you are okay with having him to date or you want to move on to find someone who is crazy about you.

[katrina1980]

OP, it's one thing to not be able to "say" it, but you wrote in your post, he does not "feel" it which is why he can't say it.

 

After a year's time, if he's not "feeling it," doubtful he ever will. Sorry.

 

I know personally I would not be able to stay with a man who didn't love me, but it's your call.