I Can't Tell if This is Abuse Or Not...

[DieTeufelKatze]

So my boyfriend and I went on a road trip this weekend, and we got in a huge fight.

 

Lately I've been reactive to annoyances more than usual, I have been super stressed with work and burnt out from working extremely hard, for very long hours. I was super happy about the prospect of sleeping in Saturday morning. My boyfriend has this incredibly annoying habit of setting an alarm on his phone, usually for 4:30 or 5:30AM and not specifying it to certain days (like Mon through Friday), or turning it off on weekends. It ALWAYS wakes me up and I have to tell him to turn it off, because it won't even wake him up, and then I'm awake sometimes for a very long time after. In other words, it really interrupts my sleeping in. I have asked him countless times to PLEASE not set alarms that go off weekend mornings. He just doesn't seem to care, because it keeps happening.

 

Well, here we were sleeping in our van (we have a very large van that has a queen sized bed in the back of it). We have a lot of down and warm blankets, so even though it was about 20 degrees in there, the bed was very warm. Well, at 5:30AM, his stupid alarm went off, and the phone was clear up on the dash. I asked him to go shut it off, but he refused. I asked him again, and again he refused. Finally I jumped out of bed, angry that I once again had to be the one to turn it off. I even showed him how to program it so it didn't go off on weekends, and finally got back in to bed. I admit, I wasn't being very nice about it, but I was rather furious that I had to be the one to get up in the uncomfortable cold because of something he did and refused to fix. I was so angry that I had a hard time getting back to sleep, but eventually I did.

 

I woke up later in a much better mood, but apparently he was still upset about my earlier reaction to the alarm, but he never said anything. He also apologized about the alarm (which I will admit he's done a few times before, because as I said, this has been a reoccurring issue, but he never seems to care enough to stop setting alarms that go off at ungodly hours on weekends).

 

We went on with our road trip and went to our next destination for the night. It was a beautiful, remote natural hot springs, and we had a great time soaking and drinking beer, and tossing back a few shots of tequila. Well, it got late and I was ready to go to bed (I maybe drank more than I should have, but I was decompressing from my hectic work week). He had been drinking very heavily too, and as I was getting ready and getting in to bed, he started rambling on about how much fun he has with me, and giving me a lot of compliments.

 

I told him I was exhausted and was going to sleep. He just kept talking, with me making half hearted but still engaged replies, and I laid down.

 

Then he said it - he said several nice things (i.e., "You're beautiful and intelligent and I have so much fun with you"), then he said "But sometimes, you really f***ing suck."

 

I laid there in disbelief, then replied incredulously "What??"

 

He stammered. I said "Do you have any idea what you just said to me?? You just told me I "really f***ing suck! I can't believe you!!"

 

And he stammered some more and tried to defend what he'd said and I basically rolled over, furious, and told him to just leave me the eff alone. He finally stopped talking and I drifted off to sleep.

 

The next day I woke up basically crying and asked him to take me home. He apologized profusely and said he didn't mean what he said.

 

But later, throughout the day while we were discussing it, it turns out he did kind of mean it. He criticized a lot of things about me, leading me to be more hurt, defensive, and angry.

 

Then he had the audacity to come on to me. When I rebuffed him, he started some whine and pout about how I'm not "thinking about his needs." This just sent me over the edge. He's already pulled this on me about a month ago, when I just was not in the mood. I hardly ever deny him when he tries to initiate, and the couple times I have, he has started an argument about how he thinks I don't "think about his needs" enough and that it's not "all about me" and basically made me feel pressured and like he was manipulating me and attempting to make me feel guilty. This has the effect of completely turning me off, and I've told him so. Again, this has only happened once before, and he promised never to do it again, but here we are a little over a month later, and it's happening again. This time, it went on for hours and was just absolutely horrible for me - I feel coerced and like he thinks he's entitled to sex from me. I keep trying to tell him how it makes me feel but it just doesn't seem to compute with him that this is absolutely not the right way to go about getting sex from me.

 

Well, needless to say, I have been stewing over this for a few days now and would really like some perspective. I told him I needed space. Last night we had a phone conversation that did not go well - he came at me with a lot of "You always..." and "You never..." statements, which left me feeling attacked and defensive. He even said "You always do this! You always defend yourself!" Like... WTH else am I supposed to do, dude?? He even had the audacity to blatantly state that he BLAMES ME for how terrible he's been feeling over the past couple days. He's been very critical of me and has just been insufferable in general.

 

Is this abuse? How do I handle this? I really don't know what the best course to take is here.

[limichelle]

I think you're in a toxic relationship that's for sure. Abuse no not really, abuse is worse he would be constantly calling you deragotory names. I think you need to ditch him though because he sounds like a narcissist. With the alarm only thinking of himself and manipulating you into sex, is very unhealthy. I would walk at this point if I was in your position. When things get too negative of an atmosphere created inside your relationship it's not working.

[rosephase]

I wouldn't call it abuse. But I would call it sh*tty partnering. I would break up with the guy.

[DieTeufelKatze]

Yeah, I guess that's what I meant. It feels toxic to me. It's not like this is an all the time type of thing - it's only happened a few times, but then again, we've only been back together for about 5 months. We dated for about 9 months two years ago. There have always been these little hiccups like this, and I'm starting to think round #2 might be coming to an end. It was worth another shot with him, because I love him so much, but it seems like I can't communicate well at all with him. I just end up hurt and defensive any time we've had fights like this. Admittedly, it's not frequent, but they're bad enough for me to have started questioning whether I want to be in this relationship or not.

[Pleasedonot5]

No, not abuse, but he's being very inconsiderate. I can't believe he said the "...really fn suck" comment. Wow.

 

Sounds like he has an ego problem. Ive been there where I've felt rebuffed and rejected by previous partners, but in those cases I let them know that, okay, yes, I'm telling you why I'm upset right now, but I know I'm not entitled and I'm not expecting it tonight now, can I do anything to make it better for you, etc.... But it sounds like the difference here is that he said you suck and really offended you and then came onto you, acting all entitled and aggressive. Yep, definitely sounds like an ego problem there.

 

In terms of what to do... I don't think you can fix an ego -- think that requires lots of conscious effort on his part to improve himself.

[DieTeufelKatze]

No, not abuse, but he's being very inconsiderate. I can't believe he said the "...really fn suck" comment. Wow.

 

Sounds like he has an ego problem. Ive been there where I've felt rebuffed and rejected by previous partners, but in those cases I let them know that, okay, yes, I'm telling you why I'm upset right now, but I know I'm not entitled and I'm not expecting it tonight now, can I do anything to make it better for you, etc.... But it sounds like the difference here is that he said you suck and really offended you and then came into you, acting all entitled and aggressive. Yep, definitely sounds like an ego problem there.

 

In terms of what to do... I don't think you can fix an ego -- think that requires lots of conscious effort on his part to improve himself.

 

I still can't believe that comment either. It blew me away.

 

I don't think he was being aggressive, per se, but I get this underlying feeling that there's a sense of entitlement there, and it totally rubs me the wrong way. It is absolutely the worst way to handle being turned down - it's an instant turn off, for most women, I think it's safe to say. As I said before, I rarely turn him down, so it's very irritating to feel pressured, particularly after being told I "really f***ing suck" the night before.

 

He mentioned he thought he was trying to initiate "make up" sex, but honestly, I was in NO mood for that. I was still reeling from the evening before. You can't have make up sex if the hurt partner is still reeling and pissed off enough to be almost repulsed by the idea. I'm not an effing robot or light switch.

[j.man]

That's not what coercion is. But I will say the whole blue-balls argument is selfish and sleazy.

 

I'm sometimes willing to give someone the benefit if they come here with some pretty extreme details, but nothing you've written sounds like straight-up abuse on its own. But that's not to say there isn't plenty there I wouldn't put up with in your shoes. If the alarm thing were that much of a habit, that's simply not someone I can share a bed with. After the the third or fourth time, though, it would be shame on me for continuing to go to bed with them in full knowledge. Also not a fan of my partner getting ****-faced and keeping me up with drunken ramblings. Honestly, I wouldn't have taken the drunken offensive comment that seriously, if for no other reason than reacting would only encourage them to keep talking. But it'd be a pretty serious consideration of mine the next day. I like sleeping and I like having a few drinks... if someone were to ruin either of those for me, I'd opt out real quick.

 

I haven't observed you two and I have no idea how mutual your annoyances are. It doesn't need to be certifiably abusive for you to be upset with him enough to realize you could do better for yourself, though.

[DieTeufelKatze]

That's not what coercion is. But I will say the whole blue-balls argument is selfish and sleazy.

 

I'm sometimes willing to give someone the benefit if they come here with some pretty extreme details, but nothing you've written sounds like straight-up abuse on its own. But that's not to say there isn't plenty there I wouldn't put up with in your shoes. If the alarm thing were that much of a habit, that's simply not someone I can share a bed with. After the the third or fourth time, though, it would be shame on me for continuing to go to bed with them in full knowledge. Also not a fan of my partner getting ****-faced and keeping me up with drunken ramblings. Honestly, I wouldn't have taken the drunken offensive comment that seriously, if for no other reason than reacting would only encourage them to keep talking. But it'd be a pretty serious consideration of mine the next day. I like sleeping and I like having a few drinks... if someone were to ruin either of those for me, I'd opt out real quick.

 

I haven't observed you two and I have no idea how mutual your annoyances are. It doesn't need to be certifiably abusive for you to be upset with him enough to realize you could do better for yourself, though.

 

What is your definition of coercion then?

 

Because from everything I have read and personally experienced (and yes, I have experienced far worse than just coercion), coercion is pressuring someone to engage in sex with them. Period.

[j.man]

Coercion is force or threatening. Being coerced into sex is rape. Any number of other things can make someone feel "pressured."

[DieTeufelKatze]

Coercion is force or threatening. Being coerced into sex is rape. Any number of things can make someone feel "pressured."

 

Forcing someone to have sex is rape. Threatening is, indeed coercion. Tactics such as using guilt, anger, pressuring someone to drink alcohol, or being told it's your "duty" to have sex with a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship partner, those also fall under coercion tactics.

 

Let's not get murky here.

 

I know what coercion is.

 

Notice that what I said in my OP is that I feel coerced by his behavior, not that I believe it definitely is. I think it skirts a little too close to the definition of it for my comfort, however.

[Giblesp]

Lack of communication between the both of you, but the sexuality between the two of you isnt healthy. He shouldn't have said what he said, I've had a woman say something similar. Its basically saying your a plastic sex toy, not a human being. Sexuality usually reflects what happening in a relationship.

 

I think the roadtrip has shown that its time to call it a day. Its not been abusive thus far, but its heading down a destructive path if it continues.