Curious About A Women's Opinion.... A Time In Which You May Have Pushed Away Someone Good???

[Brymicp]

Long story short but I'm going on about 3 months since I broke up with the woman of my dreams. In every way imaginable she was amazing and in turn she would often tell me that she didn't think men of my quality existed; btw, please don't take that statement the wrong way. I'm by no means "tooting my own horn," only expressing how highly she thought of me at one point. She's in her late 20's and had been in two previous relationships, in both relationships she expressed some disappointment and particularly in her first relationship, she recounted what it was like being severely hurt and depressed in the aftermath of things. Additionally I think she has some trauma deep down from being given up by adoption by her biological mother, despite her mother keeping her other siblings; I mention that to provide some context.....Well, I know she's told me that has a tendency to push people away when they get close.....Earlier this year (a little over a year and a half into things) I noticed she began to withdraw, she wasn't the same person, became distant and less loving/affectionate. I know some of this did indeed stem from myself, as I had struggles in my own right expressing myself in a loving way BUT I think as I ultimately found out when we were breaking things up, she withdrew because she felt she was "getting too close."

 

From some of what she explained to me and some of what I deciphered, I think she chose to push me away even though she thought rather fondly of me. I have hope deep down in my heart that things will still work although I did some damage in the immediate month after the breakup. I'm wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar or had certain issues where they had someone really good, maybe weren't used to it or really frightened by the prospect of settling down and chose to simply push the person away? Did anyone later ever regret this, try to reconcile or even realize that they kinda sabotaged their own relationship? Hopefully what I'm getting at/asking makes some sense. Thanks!

[Careerchoice]

I always find it curious when a post begins "Looking for a female opinion..." Why wouldn't the opinion of a male who has gone through something similar be at least as relevant?

 

Long story short but I'm going on about 3 months since I broke up with the woman of my dreams. In every way imaginable she was amazing

 

You're glorifying you ex. She is not that perfect.

 

I know some of this did indeed stem from myself, as I had struggles in my own right expressing myself in a loving way BUT I think as I ultimately found out when we were breaking things up, she withdrew because she felt she was "getting too close."

 

You seem to be quite certain in your diagnosis, but I suspect it has nothing to do with "getting too close." Women desire forming an emotional connection with a man. This is evolutionary. I would argue that this and breeding children are the most important events in a woman's life.

 

Something about your personality/characteristics is what caused her to lose interest in you.

 

From some of what she explained to me and some of what I deciphered, I think she chose to push me away even though she thought rather fondly of me.

 

I agree, but that's not a good thing. Like and love are distinct and unrelated emotions.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar or had certain issues where they had someone really good, maybe weren't used to it or really frightened by the prospect of settling down and chose to simply push the person away? Did anyone later ever regret this, try to reconcile or even realize that they kinda sabotaged their own relationship?

 

It sounds like your asking for someone to give you false hope. Instead of trying to shoehorn the facts of your situation into someone else's results, you should evaluate what's happening to you without consideration of someone else's break up.

[scheme]

I went through your exact situation. Every single thing is the same. Except i ended it. Look up "dismissive avoidant." That's your ex and my ex.

[A689512]

I have two personal experiences of this. One guy I pushed away, who was truly a good guy, was because I just didn't feel that spark I hate initially. And it was because I was in a vulnerable state when we met and I shouldn't have been dating. So when I found a good guy, it felt so good to be treated nice that fell head first into what I thought was love.

 

The other situation was solely from anxiety. After an abusive relationship I was, and still am, damaged. Because of this relationship I not only developed anxiety, but depression as well. I pushed someone away because I loved them so much that I wanted them to be happy with someone who wasn't so broken. I had become paranoid and hated myself. I thought that he deserved better than what I could give him.

[MissCanuck]

The only time i have pushed someone away for good in this manner is when I was no longer in love with him and wanted to move on.

[pippy longstocking]

Actually I am the only child of 5 who was shipped out for adoption .

 

I only push people away when I don't want to be with them , be it friendship or relationship . I would never push someone away who I was in love with .

[Cope]

I once thought I had someone good. I pushed him away when he was no longer good. Ofc that was my case. Yours could definitely be because she has issues.

 

That said, this could help us understand her side better:

 

I know some of this did indeed stem from myself, as I had struggles in my own right expressing myself in a loving way BUT I think as I ultimately found out when we were breaking things up, she withdrew because she felt she was "getting too close."

 

What do you blame yourself for? Be honest (to you mostly).

[Rustysuit]

I would never do it, but it happens a lot. Somehow people got in to their heads that love is something magical and life-saving and that everything will be all right and you'll be awesome forever. Well, love takes hard word sometimes. Like real, hard work.

 

When things get hard or too real, it can happen that people with emotional problems, low emotional intelligence, depressed, etc. will find themselves in a uncomfortable position that they never experienced before. And instead of taking it for what it is, they tend to go back to their comfort zone, hence the pushing away of a good relationship.

 

It's their choice and their right and there isn't a right or wrong, but Hollywood is responsible for this "happily ever after" feeling when finding someone when in fact it isn't. You face the same problems and struggles, but you can have someone by your side.

Anyway, I would never push anyone away if I love her, but I can understand how and why some people do it. Not everyone is ready for a relationship, for the seriousness of it, even though they often try and the feelings were/are real. It's just a matter of recognize them and realize "this is it. This is the real deal." and not "well, I'm uncomfortable, I don't know what to do, I've never felt like this before, maybe this is not supposed to happen, maybe this isn't real." Unfortunately, it's something each of us needs to learn on their own through experience.

 

It's not about settling, it's about being realistic about what love is. Love is also a conscious choice, not just a feeling or an irrational emotion. At least that's how I see it.

[dave4443]

It does happen a lot, some people cling some push away, I've never done the pushing someone I love away it makes no sense to me but I know people who have and have tried to explain it but, it's just one of them you can't understand if you aren't like that

[abitbroken]

She is not ready to be in a relationship. she might be someday -- but it won't be with you. It will be in her own time.

Its more of a matter of valuing yourself and choosing to seek out someone who is ready to have a relationship when the right guy for them comes along rather than dwelling on someone who broke it off.