Is religion about to destroy my relationship

[golfer91]

I have been with a wonderful lady now for 5 years. We have had some minor ups and downs but never anything major that would end a relationship. Last weekend I proposed to her with a ring and I had her daughter from her previous marriage help me. She has 3 kids with her previous husband. Her and the kids have lived with me now for 4 1/2 years as the place they lived in was awful and gross. The proposal happened and she said yes but with some slight hesitation. We talked later that night and she told me that she was having a harder time due to my religious belief and the fact that I have doubts but also because I am a catholic from childbirth. She strongly believes that if we do not see everything eye to eye on this topic that we will not be able to spend eternal life together. I am trying the Baptist church out and trying to change or alter my beliefs to be as close to hers as possible. I do not want to lie and say that I believe what she does and not really believe. She is reaching out to our pastor and he wants to meet with her and I do not feel strong that it will end well. I just don't know what to do and really don't have anyone else to talk to about it because this is a private matter and my family all have big mouths. If anyone can help please reply and let me know your thoughts or even if you just send a prayer up that would help. I am a strong man but I have been crying now nonstop for 3 days and it just hurts so bad I don't know what im supposed to do.

 

Thank You,

 

Loving father of 3 kids who aren't mine and loving boyfriend to someone I may not get to keep.

[Seraphim]

My in-laws have been married for close to 60 years . My mother-in-law is a practising Catholic and my father-in-law is a nonbeliever . They just do not question each other about belief. She doesn't bug him he doesn't bug her .

 

This only works if people respect each other's beliefs. If she's not willing to respect yours then this might not work .

 

With that said these are her children and she should raise them and whatever believe she believes in . But she shouldn't ask you to alter your beliefs.

 

It isn't religion destroying a relationship it is intolerance.

[golfer91]

I know many couples that have lived with different religious views before and have always had great relationships. I know that we could be that couple as well and it does not bother me for her children to learn what she wants them to. One of her concerns were that if we have our own children and she knows I do want to that I will push them one way and she will push them one way. Iv told her that I have nothing against the Baptist views and religion and I am not apposed to having our child raised in that type of house hold. I know she is the right one for me and I thought I knew that I was the right one for her but now it seems that we are waiting on the response from the pastor and that this could be the thing that makes the difference. I just don't know how to go about this and I don't know how to make sure I stay strong. It hurts to even talk with the kids now and to talk to her I cant keep it together at work even due to this. I appreciate your help and response seraphim.

[Seraphim]

What is it that she is looking for from your priest?

 

Since you are not intolerant to her religion would you be OK with your hypothetical mutual child being raised as a Baptist?

[arjumand]

I think you all are missing an important part of his message -- she is worried about their eternal life -- she wants them to be together in heaven and she doesn't see that happening if they don't agree (or more probably, if he does not accept her religious views). That is a big deal for those who truly believe in an afterlife and has little to do with whether they can get along on earth. I don't see how this can happen if the OP does not accept the Baptist view of the world completely -- and, of course, it would have to be sincerely. OTOH, if she is a very religious Baptist, I cannot begin to understand how she is coping with the future afterlife when she is living with a man to whom she is not married. Something doesn't add up.

[golfer91]

I wouldn't have an issue with the child being raised as a Baptist. I know she is looking to the priest for answers about my struggles and the fact that I do have some doubts of the higher power. I told her its not that I don't believe its just that I do have some minor doubts like most people end up with at some point or another. She mentioned that he would bring up the unequally yoked and I told her that wouldn't apply to us as far as I am concerned because its not that I am a non believer I just am struggling at the moment. This is partly due to the fact that we haven't attend a church since we have been together. The reason this has come up is we have started attending again and one day the kids said they don't want to go they don't get anything out of it. It made her feel like she has failed as a mother and as a Christian. The fact that we are dating and live together she feel like she has failed. I told her she did the right thing to be better for her kids and to give them a stronger and better life. I just hope the priest isn't the type to say no we shouldn't be together and that she wont find happiness with me. I know she has been happy and I hope she will continue once we get through this trial.

[abitbroken]

That is really unusual to me, since you are both Christian. its not like you are a Jew and a Muslim looking at marriage.

 

I honestly think that she doesn't want to marry you because she would not have kept you around and gone this far if she had a problem with you being Catholic. It would have been something up front or she would have expressed her hesitation before. Honestly, priests marry Catholics with non-Catholic Christians all the time in the Catholic church. Its like being with someone 10 years and say "oh, sorry, you're (race inserted here)" or "you are too old for me. " But you were okay the day before the proposal.

 

You were good enough to shelter her children that are not yours but not good enough to marry. I think she is taking advantage of you -- and if she talks to her pastor -- he is not worth his salt if he says "well gee, you are already living with this guy and he is acting as stepfather to your children - its in the best interest of all involve to solidify this" or that if she is going to keep this up, she should move out and be single. If the pastor meets with her and not with the two of you -- she could back telling you some story slanted her way - that you need to comply in some way.

 

I find it interesting that you will "try her beliefs" when the basic beliefs of the denominations are the same unless she is a part of an offshoot sect. I do think that's a ruse, quite honestly.

 

Honestly, i don't think you should change your beliefs for one second --- you can agree on whatever denomination a future child should be raised in and that's something up for debate, but if i am not good enough for someone with my long held beliefs, I should not just drop them for someone, and to be supportive in the path she has already chosen for her kids.

[abitbroken]

I wouldn't have an issue with the child being raised as a Baptist. I know she is looking to the priest for answers about my struggles

 

But that's something for YOU to explore on your own - not for her to talk to her pastor (is he her pastor if she has not been to church in a year?) about what you should do with your struggles. So if you are inclined - go back to attending your church even if she decides not to go with you. And as for her kids -- that's on her - not you - if they haven't been to their church in a year.

[Seraphim]

I wouldn't have an issue with the child being raised as a Baptist. I know she is looking to the priest for answers about my struggles and the fact that I do have some doubts of the higher power. I told her its not that I don't believe its just that I do have some minor doubts like most people end up with at some point or another. She mentioned that he would bring up the unequally yoked and I told her that wouldn't apply to us as far as I am concerned because its not that I am a non believer I just am struggling at the moment. This is partly due to the fact that we haven't attend a church since we have been together. The reason this has come up is we have started attending again and one day the kids said they don't want to go they don't get anything out of it. It made her feel like she has failed as a mother and as a Christian. The fact that we are dating and live together she feel like she has failed. I told her she did the right thing to be better for her kids and to give them a stronger and better life. I just hope the priest isn't the type to say no we shouldn't be together and that she wont find happiness with me. I know she has been happy and I hope she will continue once we get through this trial.

 

Well, you know what the answer is from either the priest or the minister.

 

I think this more about her feelings of failure though.

 

My husband and I started out living together in the beginning. He was raised a practicing Catholic but had stopped in his later teens. I was baptized a Catholic but not raised one. We originally married non denominational and after 11 years we re married in our faith. ( we have been practicing Catholics now for over 15 years)

 

Understand though neither your priest or her minister is going to be completely happy with this situation. It is not all one sided.

[abitbroken]

Where is the father of these children, btw? Why were the kids living in squalor?

[Seraphim]

Btw, any priest worth his salt realizes sometimes people have doubts and questions sometimes. This is normal.

[golfer91]

Thank you all for the feedback. I know this is no problem of any of you but I cant say how much I appretiate the feedback and being able to help get this off of my chest. Her church was in upstate NY and we live in south GA now so she has not been to any of the churches down here. The pastor of this Baptist church has been very accepting and very warming in us attending his church. He has made it feel like a safe and comfortable place to worship. The children's father is still living in a town near us and has rights everyother weekend. He has not gotten the kids in over 2 months and has done this many times before where he is coming everyother week like he should and then just stops and avoids calls and text from the kids and us. The kids all call me Mr.(my name) they do not call me dad or anything like that. We kept it that away on purpose and once we are married we always said it would be up to the kids if they want to refer to me as dad.. I really do hope that this pastor sees how much we love each other and that we can make this work and will be able to spend eternal life in the arms of god together. I know I can be the man she requires and I am willing to make that change for her to ensure our survival as a couple and as children of god. With that said I also know it to be considered sin to change religions and to alter beliefs unless believing in the word of god for the first real time.

 

Again I want to thank you all for your support and responses it does mean the world to me.

[abitbroken]

Do you share a bedroom with their girlfriend? Do the kids "know what's up" as far as the two of you sharing a room?

 

Did you softball the idea about proposing to your girlfirend before you did it?

[golfer91]

Yes the kids are all old enough to know what’s up they are 8,9,11 and yes we even talked about it together and before a week or two ago it was great and she was excited. What ended the excitement was the kids saying they didn’t want to go to church and now she feels as if she has failed as a mother and Christian and now the believes being different have caused a question as to weather or not she should marry me for the kids sake. I️ can understand thinking of the kids and respect it but it hurts to think after 5 years of my life and being in the same living quarters for 4 1/2 Of those years that it may all come crashing to an end now just hurts.

[DancingFool]

She is so devout that she hasn't been to church in a year just because you moved? Also, she had no problem living with you unmarried for so long, but now that you want to make an honest woman of her, she suddenly has a religious problem? Sorry, not buying this. On top of that, you are both Christian. Sure there are a few slight differences in tradition/interpretation, but all core fundamental principles are really the same. So what is she talking about? She is acting like you are from another universe and that makes zero sense.

 

I'm sorry but it sounds to me that religion is a red herring here. More likely reality is that you've been playing a white knight, saving her and her kids, she's been happy with the status quo until you rocked the boat and asked for real commitment. Not to say that she wouldn't have left you eventually anyway should a bigger better deal materialize on her horizon. Either that or she just feels trapped in that she is living with you not out of love but necessity and she is not willing to get trapped for life. Religion is such an easy, plausible out for her.

[abitbroken]

She is so devout that she hasn't been to church in a year just because you moved? Also, she had no problem living with you unmarried for so long, but now that you want to make an honest woman of her, she suddenly has a religious problem? Sorry, not buying this. On top of that, you are both Christian. Sure there are a few slight differences in tradition/interpretation, but all core fundamental principles are really the same. So what is she talking about? She is acting like you are from another universe and that makes zero sense.

 

I'm sorry but it sounds to me that religion is a red herring here. More likely reality is that you've been playing a white knight, saving her and her kids, she's been happy with the status quo until you rocked the boat and asked for real commitment. Not to say that she wouldn't have left you eventually anyway should a bigger better deal materialize on her horizon. Either that or she just feels trapped in that she is living with you not out of love but necessity and she is not willing to get trapped for life. Religion is such an easy, plausible out for her.

 

I think this is it right here. And even if she thought you were from another universe, that would have been brought up in the beginning - the living situation with you would not have happened or it would have been temporary until she got on her feet. Does she lose child support if she marries?

[itsallgrand]

I agree it's a red herring.

 

The other option is she is so feeble minded that children not wanting to go to church ( um, normal, if only because it is boring for most children) sends her whole world in a tailspin. Really? You can't even question either? That's about control regardless of the ideology/ religion.

 

So she's either full of , or not smart - neither is a good look for a prospective marriage partner.

 

Btw, does she fully support herself and her kids? I'm gonna guess no. That she's one of those highly dependent types, always looking for someone or something to take care of her .

[abitbroken]

How long was she divorced before she moved in?

[golfer91]

I understand the thought their but the religion thing has been going now for 2 weeks or so i know she has real heart behind the religion thing due to the kids shying away from it. She has shared that she wants us to be right with each other and with god so we can live in eternity together. So she has been expressing this it’s just why it became so priority now scares me but iv got many thoughts going now on what is right and what the outcome will be.

[DancingFool]

I understand the thought their but the religion thing has been going now for 2 weeks or so i know she has real heart behind the religion thing due to the kids shying away from it. She has shared that she wants us to be right with each other and with god so we can live in eternity together. So she has been expressing this it’s just why it became so priority now scares me but iv got many thoughts going now on what is right and what the outcome will be.

 

Except that the kids have nothing to do with you. You ARE both Christian for crying out loud. Not like you believe something different. Look, she has no leg to stand on when it comes to religion. The fact that it just came up....come on.... please don't kid yourself. Ask her what her real problem is and demand that she be honest with you....if she is even capable of that........ The woman is blowing smoke into your face.....

[abitbroken]

I understand the thought their but the religion thing has been going now for 2 weeks or so i know she has real heart behind the religion thing due to the kids shying away from it. She has shared that she wants us to be right with each other and with god so we can live in eternity together. So she has been expressing this it’s just why it became so priority now scares me but iv got many thoughts going now on what is right and what the outcome will be.

 

This has just been since the proposal, right? Pretty much?

You know - when you are ages 8 to 11, you need a parent who is strong and willing to put up with your garbage. There were plenty of times we didn't want to go to school/home/church/soccer practice/a friend's house/going overnight somewhere/to the store and its the parents job to say "tough, you are going" and continue to lead by example, or explore if there is really an issue other than defiance. if the kids had a free for all on Sundays - played, did whatever they wanted and now they are suddenly going to church for the past few weeks - having to get up and moving - i doubt that this is thrilling to them. Or she could explore whether the pastor's southern drawl was not understandable to them or maybe the younger ones belonged in sunday school instead. Lotsa kids hate change

 

Guess what? my parents making us go to the practices of that sport or music that we WANTED to do initially and making us follow through was the best thing they could have done. Otherwise kids start to be the bosses.

 

BTW

 

I could understand if one kid was a teenager starting to question why this is important to mom all the sudden after not going for a year, etc, and saying they don't get it, but these kids are too young for that.

 

 

 

I really do think that this has nothing to do with religious differences and everything to do with smoke

[abitbroken]

BTW, I am not making a religious debate -- i just point this out as i have studied scripture a bit and comparative religion, but the only faith i can think of that "seals you to your spouse for eternity" is the Mormon church (and you can also make your ancestors mormon if they were not). However, Baptist churches are by and large independent - and that means that individual churches vary widely on what they teach or how they lean. Could it be that this didn't come up before because in this new church, the pastor is preaching something different than the norm? Marriage is "til death do us part" as far most are concerned. Maybe you could figure out if she is getting something different in her head that is different than the norm if not something the pastor said - something the laiety said that she is getting to know. Maybe it would satisfy you if you got to the bottom of that if you don't want to believe she simply doesn't want to marry you - but still, even if she learned this new thing at this church - you think she would just start to explore it instead of simply flip on you.

 

If she decides to give back the ring or put marriage off for years, are you willing to ask her to move out?

[DancingFool]

Unless you are an outspoken atheist, then she doesn't get to blame you for her kinds not feeling like going to church. Sorry.

[golfer91]

Yea I’m not an atheist by any means. Idk i just hope that everything will work out in the end and us be able to get past this. I want to seriously thank everyone for your help and comments. I didn’t have anyone to really reach out to and it does mean the world to me to have such great feedback considering i just joined this site. Will update everyone tomorrow after her talk with the pastor. You are all amazing.

[Seraphim]

Her issue could be too she has faulty theology like abit suggested . We can't discuss it on the forum but your gf has a false theological belief as understood by most of Christianity.