Has my boyfriend got a porn problem??

[AshleiJay]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, about 5 months ago i confronted him about his lads mags and asked if he materbated over them , and he said yes. This really hurt me as i am a very insacure person. He promised me he wouldnt ever buy the mags again.

 

2 months on i was looking at his mobile phone to find he had been trying to get pictures of topless women on his fone, i told him that i had issues and couldnt be with him due to the fact of how much it hurt me, he begged me to stay with him and said it was a mistake and didnt even want to materbate over it and just enjoyed 'looking at boobs'.

 

I stayed with him and for weeks after i kept going on about what he did and how much it upset me, and he told me he would never hurt me like that again. I made a big deal of how much it hurt me, and he insisted he wasnt even bothered about it anymore.

 

3 weeks ago, he had the internet installed and i just new then that he would go on porn or acsess pictures of topless women. He insisted that he'd never hurt me like that and he also even swore down on his little brothers life.

That day i went on his computer to find all his cookies had been deleated, he started getting really defensive. I went on google to find he had searched for 'free sex clips', 'jordan sex' , 'blonde sex' and 'hardcore fu*k'. I packed my bags and left, he begged for me back and said he had never taken me this seriously, i broke up with him for a week and he said he was ignorant and just kept telling himself it was natural , and that he took 4 granted how i felt about the matter.

I can never trust him again , he seems so convincing this time but i just dont know. If he were to do it again , would he tell me?

 

I dont understand , is porn just a sexual stimulant or do men actually think about having sex with the women in the porn? He claims is just to get him turned on.

 

Am i not enough for him?

 

it gets better, he claims he looks for porn with girls in that hav the same features as me to make him picture me, is it just me or does that sound dodgy? If he wanted to picture me surely he just would and not look at some girl having sex?

 

Iv even tried sending him dirty pictures of me but he stiill consited of going on porn, im so confused and hurt, please help.....

[someguy69]

This porn issue certainly is coming up a lot.

 

Notice that there's no men complaining about their girlfriends being into porn?

 

It's really no big deal. Most men like to look at porn now and then. So what? Why take it personally?

 

If it really disgusts you so, then I suggest you make a point of bringing the subject up right away when you meet a new guy. Ask him, "do you like to watch porn?", or maybe better yet, "Who's your favorite porn star?" If he says, "I don't watch porno" right away, then you've found the prude for you.

[AshleiJay]

i think when you are in a relationship you should devote yourself 100% to your partner including sexually, why should my boyfriend watch porn if he has me?

[SimoneTiger]

If you truly feel that way (although I think that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself if you wish to be solely responsible for your partner's happiness), then look for someone who shares this value with you.

 

Your current boyfriend has shown on plenty of occasions that he likes looking at porn and is careless enough to let you find out about it... If you cannot live with that, try to understand you cannot and will not change him and find somebody else.

 

PS. And no, I don't think your boyfriend has got a porn problem. I think that it is your problem, given the circumstances.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

i think when you are in a relationship you should devote yourself 100% to your partner including sexually, why should my boyfriend watch porn if he has me?

Congradulations. You're dating a guy.

 

I agree with you, but take this into consideration: if he's your age ar close to it and he's just getting exposed to porn, then he's curious and obviously fascinated with this brand new world of smut. I remember when I first got a computer, I went looking for porn sites to see what all the fuss was about. I must admit, I was pretty astonished and intrigued by the whole thing. Sex on top of sex on top of sex at your fingertips with the simply click of a mouse. It was new to me, but eventually the phase was gone. But during that phase I was like a rabbi in a carrot field. Now mind you I didn't have a girlfriend during this time, but I don't think that would've stopped my massive surfing, and trust me when I say that I would've been 100% devoted to her.

 

I feel he is devoted to you, he's just a young curious boy who had oodles of sex at his disposal and he's enjoying every minute of it. I feel it will eventually pass.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

But during that phase I was like a rabbi in a carrot field.

Oooops, I meant rabbit in a carrot field. I doubt Rabbi's would get excited about carrots.

[RayKay]

But during that phase I was like a rabbi in a carrot field.

Oooops, I meant rabbit in a carrot field. I doubt Rabbi's would get excited about carrots.

 

You never know , I was reading your original post before I read this one and was going to call you on it!

 

For the record my rabbit prefers Mini-Wheats cereal to carrots any day and will jump in the box for them...I think they get bored of carrots!

[RayKay]

Porn always seems to be a rather sensitive subject.

 

While there are some men who are addicted to porn to the point where they do not maintain a healthy sex life with their partner, for most men who DO indeed look at porn, it is just an "addition" to their already healthy sex lives.

 

When men look at porn they are not doing it with a "cheating mentality"...men are visual, and are doing it for the images. Sometimes we are just not available when they want to be stimulated, or sometimes they really just want to masturbate without the sex involved...this does not mean they are "replacing you"...unless they never wanted sex with you! My bf does look at it sometimes, usually when I am away, or something, though he also has pictures of me he looks at (he prefers "real" over "fake porn stars" I think). Porn in itself does not bother me, I don't feel threatened by it, sometimes have looked at it myself with partners or alone even (though prefer tasteful stuff, and would rather read/tell erotic stories then look at pics myself). Women fantasize as we have more "active" imaginations, but men often need to look at pictures to be able to fantasize. It does not even mean they are thinking about the girl in the actual picture, it just is a starting point for fantasizing about the act (with you or whatever). Not saying they don't think of the girl in the picture, but not in a threatening way against you I think you feel it does.

 

I cannot tell you to not let it bother you, as it clearly does, but if that is the case, I don't think you can really forbid him from it, so you may want to reconsider being with him and finding someone not into porn (might be tougher to do!). I noticed too you mentioned you went on about it for a long time abut it bothering you - not sure this is a healthy way to "solve" the issue. You need to analyze whether he is really "addicted" to it or not, and whether it is a major issue for you - if it is, then you might not be able to get past it and may want to reconsider things. But don't in any way think that it is about "you" or that he does not find you attractive or anything like that. While in extreme cases that can happen, in this case he just sounds like a normal young guy

[AshleiJay]

So you think he'll never change? and what hes saying isnt true, how hell never do it again? he had his pc years b4 he met me and just didnt have the net for a while, i dont understand, i mean im young attractive and ill giv him ne thing he wants sexually....

[someguy69]

You need to realize the difference...

 

If a man masturbates while reading a porno magazine... he has no emotional connection to the girl in the picture. He only sees boobs and vagina, etc, etc.

 

I know it's different for women.

 

BTW, when you masturbate are you only thinking of your boyfriend? Do you ever think of movie stars, or guys on the football team, etc? What are girls thinking about?

[Mix Maxster]

or they look at porn as a substitute to their "lack of" sex lives. I know that when I was getting sex from my ex a lot and when I was, I wasn't feeling the need to look at porn as much. I'd do it only when I felt the need to masterbate, I never just flip through a porn mag or go online just to see naked bodies and go "hmm that's nice".

 

typically guys do it because at a young age we are just so "horny" that we need the sexual release or else we either a) get pissy for no reason or b) get an erection like every second until we do.

 

Never be insecure about it though, I know it's alright to be insecure afterall you're reserved to those feelings. try to understand though that guys do it regardless. i bet even if a guy had a girl others thought of as "hot" and "perfect" that he'd still masterbate to porn. just how it is, but i'm willing to bet that diminishes when you get much much older as the drive goes down.

 

I've usually been able to just sit and bed and think and invision other girls, but it's much much easier to just go on the net or pull out a mag... that way you don't gotta focus on two things. i'm sure you can guess what those are.

[AshleiJay]

wen i masterbate i only think about my boyfriend, thats what bugs me...........he claims he never fantasizes about other women and he never thinks about havin sex with the women in the porn or pictures.......

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Say, has he ever asked you to do something and you refused? I'm asking because sometimes if a guy wants his girl to do something and she doesn't want to (anal, blowjob, puppets) he'll go elsewhere, mostly online and get his fix there.

[Mix Maxster]

lol man that guy is pretty spot on... most of the time we don't wanna pressure the girl to do something she don't wanna do u know? i'm not gonna sit there and ask her to do anal if she don't wanna.

 

so that's another reason. plus when a guy looks at sex, it's sex... i know there's more to it, but when a guy wants to get off that's his focus. of course we enjoy the passion that is shared between the two of u when u in love because u can't get that with anyone else other than each other. another thing to keep in mind is that if you look at it from an evoluationary stand point, the male is the one out to spread his seed all over the world. the more of him, the better because the less chance of him having his line of genes die off.

 

where as for the woman, it's all about birthing the more PERFECT offspring, the one that will survive in the long run. numbers isn't as important as quality, so that's why they typically only look to one man. this is suggestive, but research has been done to touch on this subject. it's pretty facinating stuff and for those of you out there that think humans are SO different from the fundamental standpoint of every other living being, it's time to get off the high horse.

[Unmotivated]

Porn is just visual (and sometimes audial) stimulation. Some people may fantisize about having a relationship with some girl pictured in porn, but that's really not the point. People look at/masturbate to porn for different reasons. Obviously it releases sexual tension and social anxiety. It is a great stress reliever. It can used to celebrate of one's privacy. It can relieve boredom (I've been there one too many times It can be exciting for no other reason other than because it's "naughty".

 

My point is that, although porn is by definition a sexual thing, there are other reasons to look at it and masturbate to it. People need balance to their lives.

 

I think that you should ease up on your boyfriend and try to think of things from his perspective. He's a teenage boy and thereforeeee probably pretty horny a lot of the time. You seem to have the mentality that you should be able to satisfy him %100 of the time, but that's not really very realistic and maybe he doesn't want it that way. Maybe he doesn't want to simply think of as more of a "sex object" than as a girlfriend.

 

I don't know...

 

Try to compromise. Talk to him about it and see if you can figure out his motives instead of just saying not to do it.

[MetallicAguy]

Well, if it's just topless or something like that nothing disgusting, then it's normal. Though watching something like hardcore or something is really nasty. So yeah, if he watches A LOT of hardcore or something; yes it is a problem. Topless women; no. Guys need to get the urge out lol. It's not that he doesn't like you or anything. Just if it becomes a problem and YOU are not comfortable with and do not like it then leave him.

[RayKay]

Mix Master and Energisimus both had very good posts just above.

 

Were you aware that men *think* of sex many, many, many times a day. I mean not always "hardcore" thoughts, but sexual images, or things cross their mind. Obviously for women too, but far more for men. And I can tell you most of them think about it far more than they do it! It would be almost impossible for you to be able to be there constantly to satisfy every urge that crosses his mind through the day, day in, day out. You would fall over dead from exhaustion if you were to satisfy his every urge!

 

From your posts I can tell for you it is more about how you feel that the porn is replacing you, or that somehow he prefers it to you, or is comparing those porn women to you. Rest assured, I seriously doubt this is the case. Most healthy men I talk to aren't as much into the girls in the porn as they are just starting the fantasy and the idea - they know the girls are often "fake", they know that it is NOT reality. I have not men many who would turn down their woman in preference for porn (though it DOES happen in some relationships, it is not an everday thing), for them it is often more just an alternative, something to do, or to fantasize.....there are times men will look at other women, it's instinctual, and rarely goes deeper than "hmm, she has a nice bum" or something. But that does not mean he is comparing you two, or thinking about them when he is with you, and so on.

 

It does come down to how you feel though, so even if posters here tell you it's not a big deal, to you it is. I just hope maybe we have given some more perspective into it.

[leafschick]

AshleiJay has read some of my posts to anther related topic.

 

I too am currently going through the process of trying to forgive a boyfriend that looked at porn through our entire 14 month relationship, it's been almost a month since i confronted him.

 

Everyone has has alot of good things to say, but unless you've been there you have no idea.

 

I know that girls like to feel confident in their bodies and their sexual skills, and when the person you love turns to another girl, a FAKE girl at that, we feel like a failure. We feel worthless, we feel unpretty, not sexy, not good enough...the list goes on and on and on.

 

I know it's something guys "do on their own" that "it's your business" and that "what you do on your own time, shouldn't be any of our business" but in a way it is. When your boyfriend turns to porn, we assume there's a problem, and we want to fix that problem.

 

My case was a little different from Ashlei's, My boyfriend confronted an addiction this time. We had a talk about porn after dating for about 6 months, and he said he would stop. I brought it up a couple times since then and he lied to my face about it. Anyways, i found it on MY PERSONAL computer and that was the last straw. I lost it, there was yelling, screaming, crying, the works.

 

We came to the conclusion that i would stay if he changed his ways. I feel that if a guy is committed to you he will try and do anything to make you happy. He first needs to see how much he hurt you. And who all his habit affects. In my case my boyfriend realized that his parents would have killed him for hurting me the way he did. THis habit affects more people than he realizes.

 

Needless to say, we addressed other issues in the relationship, and things have been pretty sweet. We have a long term plan that is working really well. He has a program that tracks the sites he went to, and sends the results to my e-mail, and he lets me check his computer.

 

I was going to post my situation on here, but decided against having people tell me how to feel. But replying to other's has helped me to see that i'm not alone in my situation, and helping others confront their problems and feelings as helped me in the forgiving process. THere's more good days than bad days, but when there's a bad day, it's a horrible day. YOu relive the hurt, the pain, the moment your heart broke, and thats what i'm trying to overcome. Those bad days.

[AshleiJay]

I love how somebody sees this from my point of view, your right, people message you telling you that its not a big deal, like yoy said, they dont know what it feels like. I asked my boyfriend, would it be right if there was a naked girl standing in front of him touching herself whilst her masterbated over her, because that is what it is like. I really want to forgive and forgett, everything will be great then it just pops into my head again , what he has done and then i feel angry with him and start to cry. I cant handle what he has done , pasrt to the fact he has lied to me and mostly that i want to be the only girl in his life.

[Vanilla]

When you're young and you stumble upon porn it is normal to be curious.

 

This does not mean making it a habbit is ok. Listen, dear.. if your man does something that hurts you and is disrespectful to you (in this case you have every right to feel this way) you have every damn right in the book to ask him to stop. If he is man enough (which I am not sure of due to his age, but there are mature young men out there) he will stop it.

 

Unfortunately it seems he is really getting into it more and more. Unfortunately society seems to be more accepting of this. Like ive said many times before, society also tells us to be and think a lot of things that are flat out wrong.

 

You need to know yourself as a woman, and porn isnt bothering you just because you're insecure, but because you respect the body and you respect sex and sexual intimacy between two people and that is ok. It is ok to have your set of values and to stand by them.

 

Don't change what you believe in or what you feel in your heart that is right because other people are doing it or because other people think its ok. Whats ok to someone may destroy you.

 

I do not accept that in my relationship an dmy boyfriend has been very RESPECTFUL, and UNDERSTANDING. You know why? Because he loves me. If a man can't leave porn for his woman whom he "cares loves and respects"...then there is a problem. When you can't stop doing something that is as INSIGNIFICANT as that, or at least should be you should think that maybe you have an addiction.

 

Don't you think it's strange that he has a living breathing woman next to him but he still has to go and try to download pictures on his phone, comp etc after you've asked him to stop? He's just a horny and desperate little 16 yr old and i think you're too much of a woman for him.

 

Drop him.

[leafschick]

I like the last response alot.

 

Thanks for your input, it helped me out alot too. I feel like i did the right thing by sticking to what i believe, and value.

 

You also gave me another point of view, about valueing the intimacy between two people. I never thought of it in those words and it's very very true in my case as well, that i value it highly.

 

I'm glad to see that people are posting sensitive, understanding replies in Ashlei's confusing time.

 

You can get through it. Just stick to what you believe, and you'll find what and who is right for you