Divorce (Married 6 years)

[Sign7]

I am so happy to have found this website -

 

I married my STBXW in 2011 (She was 21 / I was 26). During the first six months of our marriage we fell into a routine and was having financial difficulties (she did not work).

 

She then was offered a government job (in mexico where we lived due to her immigration status) and was told her training was 10hrs away from home. She was gone for 2 weeks.

 

When she returned I noticed she was different. No Sex. I woke up early the next day and noticed her phone had 10 missed calls. I checked her text messages and boom - she cheated!

 

All this happened during the first 6 months of our marriage.

 

2 years later - the same thing happened again - Cheating.

 

2 years later - Same thing happened again - Cheating! Only this time she told me she could no longer do this to me and decided to leave. She abandoned me completely. Moved out.

 

 

6 years of my life wasted on a cheater

 

 

For 6 years she only held 2 jobs that only lasted about 2 weeks - she quit. I was the provider.

 

I'm sorry if this is all over the place - venting

[thealchemist]

I am so happy to have found this website -

 

I married my STBXW in 2011 (She was 21 / I was 26). During the first six months of our marriage we fell into a routine and was having financial difficulties (she did not work).

 

She then was offered a government job (in mexico where we lived due to her immigration status) and was told her training was 10hrs away from home. She was gone for 2 weeks.

 

When she returned I noticed she was different. No Sex. I woke up early the next day and noticed her phone had 10 missed calls. I checked her text messages and boom - she cheated!

 

All this happened during the first 6 months of our marriage.

 

2 years later - the same thing happened again - Cheating.

 

2 years later - Same thing happened again - Cheating! Only this time she told me she could no longer do this to me and decided to leave. She abandoned me completely. Moved out.

 

 

6 years of my life wasted on a cheater

 

 

For 6 years she only held 2 jobs that only lasted about 2 weeks - she quit. I was the provider.

 

I'm sorry if this is all over the place - venting

Why did you stay after she cheated on you 6 months into your marriage?

 

How long did you date before marriage?

[Sign7]

Why did you stay after she cheated on you 6 months into your marriage?

 

How long did you date before marriage?

 

We are from the Christian Faith....Well, at least I am. Anywho.

 

I was determined to file for divorce after the 6 months but I was told to talk to our pastor before a decision was made. I was convinced that mistakes happen so I stayed. I did not believe in divorce - I still dont.....I dont know

 

We only dated for 8 months.

 

 

Background: She was abused as a child, had an active sex life during high school, and did not have a very good reputation. I met her at church. I figured "She can change." Big mistake that was - people dont change if they dont want to.

 

 

I really tried to make this work - I really did. I was honest, loyal, and caring. She was not.

 

She filed for divorce already.....I have no choice in the matter.

[Rustysuit]

I am so happy to have found this website -

 

I married my STBXW in 2011 (She was 21 / I was 26). During the first six months of our marriage we fell into a routine and was having financial difficulties (she did not work).

 

She then was offered a government job (in mexico where we lived due to her immigration status) and was told her training was 10hrs away from home. She was gone for 2 weeks.

 

When she returned I noticed she was different. No Sex. I woke up early the next day and noticed her phone had 10 missed calls. I checked her text messages and boom - she cheated!

 

All this happened during the first 6 months of our marriage.

 

2 years later - the same thing happened again - Cheating.

 

2 years later - Same thing happened again - Cheating! Only this time she told me she could no longer do this to me and decided to leave. She abandoned me completely. Moved out.

 

 

6 years of my life wasted on a cheater

 

 

For 6 years she only held 2 jobs that only lasted about 2 weeks - she quit. I was the provider.

 

I'm sorry if this is all over the place - venting

 

What were you expecting?

[Starlight925]

Ahhh, I'm so sorry this happened.

 

It sounds like you gave her chance after chance after chance.....

 

You now know that you did all you could. You adhered to your religious beliefs. You took your marriage vows seriously. You held up your end of the bargain for better or for worse. You provided for your wife.

 

She turned out to be a loser.

 

I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

You have no children, I take it? Boom....done.

 

You will find your peace, I know it.

[thealchemist]

Well divorce isn't like a leprechaun. It exists whether you believe in it or not.

 

Also, your pastor doesn't have your best interest in mind. He is trying to do what he thinks is right by his religion. So that doesn't always overlap with what is best for you.

 

Eight months is not enough time to get to know your spouse. I also think waiting until after marriage to have sex is one of the most asinine things you can do. You didn't say this but it is a common issue that religion brings into it.

 

You might want to look into white knight syndrome. You sound like the "savior" type a bit and need to rein that in if you want a shot at happiness.

 

I would imagine she never changed from how she was, she just tried for awhile. She probably isn't even the person you think she is, especially if she "changed" then you met her at church. You can only keep the facade up for so long.

 

Really sorry this happened but you can ensure it wasn't a waste of time if you learn from it.

[lostandhurt]

As I see it you wasted 14 months of your life on her, The 8 months of dating and 6 months of marriage. The rest is all on you. You chose to stay with her knowing her history, the fact that she cheated on you 6 month into the marriage and only 14 months since meeting her.

 

She did you a huge favor by divorcing you. You are only 32 and can learn and grow from this experience. What you need to do is learn your value and never let anyone treat you like she treated you. Being weak and insecure is what got you into this and kept you in it this long. I wonder how long this would have continued if she hadn't filed for divorce?

 

Time to see this as a good thing because it is.

 

Lost

[Sign7]

Thank you my friends - I see things from a different perspective. Yes it is painful but in the end it is for the better.

 

I saw the red flags early on but I always thought people can change - and they can if they choose to. Unfortunately, she chose not to change.

[Lester]

I'm sorry your marriage failed.

 

Eight months tells me you were thinking of proposing on the first date.

 

Next time, give yourself the gift of time.

Have fun with the girl and don't think she's the end-all.

 

Relax, and learn who she is.

[Sign7]

Lester - I was the one that wanted to take things slow - but well...yeah....

 

thank you everyone - I feel better knowing that I tried - I honored our vows - but I know better next time..

[lostandhurt]

Learning from our mistakes is what life is about.

 

If someone is in a rush to lock you down then you need to be very wary. You will be just fine once you accept that it is truly over and your life will be so much better without all of the lies and deceit. Trust me you will feel so much better very soon.

 

Lost

[EtrnalOptimist]

I saw the red flags early on but I always thought people can change - and they can if they choose to.

 

No, they cannot.

 

Listen to Alain de Botton; once your reach adulthood, your personality is fixed. You may learn to alter your response to people / events, but your personality is fixed.

 

You said she did not have a good reputation at college. She sounds like she used church to try to convince herself she can change. Look how successful that was.

 

Lesson for the future. Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Yes, I know there are examples of when that is not the case but they're a vanishingly small percentage of cases. And we all want to believe ours is one of them

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You sound like a decent man

[mustlovedogs]

No, they cannot.

 

Listen to Alain de Botton; once your reach adulthood, your personality is fixed. You may learn to alter your response to people / events, but your personality is fixed.

 

You said she did not have a good reputation at college. She sounds like she used church to try to convince herself she can change. Look how successful that was.

 

Lesson for the future. Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Yes, I know there are examples of when that is not the case but they're a vanishingly small percentage of cases. And we all want to believe ours is one of them

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You sound like a decent man

 

I disagree with this so much. People can change if they want to and I know I have. I've seen my friends change. Our personality is tied to experiences and I hardly think we are done with new experiences when we reach 21 or 22.

 

BUT, OP, you should take people as they are, not as they could be.

[lostandhurt]

I changed and continue to grow and change everyday. I desire to be better so I am open to new ideas and new ways of looking at things.

 

People change all the time but they have to WANT to change.

 

Lost

[Lester]

I too disagree with you Eternal.

 

When faced with the loss of my wife/family, I, like many, tried the blame/force her to 'come-around' to my way of thinking.

It didn't stop her, so I began to study and change.

 

Years later, after changing into the man/husband I was meant to be, I looked back and realized my insecurities of husband/family made put on my Father's 'mask' of fatherhood.

 

Once I realized that, I changed!

I kept all the good from my Dad (yes, good man, but ott on discipline/and my-way), and discarded the rest of his/and his generations wife/family blueprint.

 

 

Eternal, faced with increasing evidence to the contrary...

Either you misunderstood Dr. Botton's advice/teachings, or he's in it for the book money.

[EtrnalOptimist]

I think I've been misread. I said one's personality is fixed (won't change), not that people are incapable of changing their behaviour. And do please read AdB before judging him as someone who needs to sell books..

 

I've been on this earth long enough to have seen how personality is fixed, particularly core values. People revert to form. Have we not changed since 21? Of course. Have we not grown? Has divorce not changed us? Infidelity? To become better people?

 

None of that is incompatible with what I said. But transgressive people (as the OPs partner clearly is), is who they are NOW. And as mustlovedogs has said, we must take people as they are, not who they might become.

[Sign7]

My friends - I never thought in my life that I would say this but IT DOES GET BETTER

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel

[lostandhurt]

Of course it does once you remove yourself from people that are using you, disrespecting you, lying to you and generally treating you like crap.

 

There is a freeing feeling when all the stress and crap are removed and your mind can rest.

 

Healing takes work as does growth so make it your mission to do both BEFORE you even think of meeting someone new.

 

Lost