To continue or not to?

[Camellia]

So i been together with my boyfriend for quite some times almost one year and i realised that my feelings for him is not like before. Theres no sparks in this relationship like before but my friend told me that it was completely normal for a long term relationship to lose its sparks. We been arguing more and more recently over every bit of things and i am seriously exhausted. We have mentioned breaking up several times but it never happened and after a while we just decide to forget what just happen. Another thing is that, i am still young and studying currently and i feel that it isn't the best time for a relationship. The reason i gotten into a relationship could be said as curiosity. Its the first time where you liked someone and he likes you back. I didn't think that much and when he confessed i just agreed after a while. If i was to rewind time i would never want to start a relationship and remain as friends but saying this now is too late. My feelings for him was really huge and there was a lot of sparks the first few months which i met him.

 

We know each other for more than 1year and get together for almost 11month already. He is in the army now which he are required to serve for 2years and we hardly get to meet up maybe just once or twice a week. What i am unsure about is has my feelings faded or is it just normal that theres no sparks anymore since we been together for quite some time? But i feel really guilty because he is a nice guy most of the times just some times insecure and easily angry. However, i been thinking for this for quite some times and still undecided of what i should do. I feel that i am not ready for a relationship as of now as there are still a lot of things to be done for my future. But i do not know how to approach him and telling him all this without hurting him. I really don't want to hurt him. Or should i just continue in this relationship? All these thoughts are killing me yet i still don't know what to do. I hope that we can still be friends but i am pretty sure he will never want that. I am also afraid that he might get angry if i was to mention this to him as we once promised that we will be together forever but what i didn't expect was that my feelings my feelings had changed. And by the way i don't have anyone whom i fancy or like now because i feel that i am not ready for a relationship. If i were to know earlier that relationship would be this hard especially at this stage i would not have entered into it. I am suffocating. But right now theres no point saying this and please please what should i do?

[rosephase]

You should break up with him.

 

Yes it's normal for longer relationships to lose the sparks. The obsessive love drug phase of a relationship passes. And then you start to be able to see your partner, yourself and your relationship more clearly. As you've been seeing it all more clearly you are realizing that this isn't what you want. That is normal. This is whats dating is for. I understand not wanting to hurt him but no good comes of staying in a relationship to keep from hurting someone. And from the words you use you want OUT. Staying at this point would just lead to resentment and kick the break up further down the road. Yes it will hurt him. But the nicest thing you can do for him is to be honest and clear.

[thealchemist]

It is not normal for a long term relationship to lose its spark. Your friend is probably a moron who hasn't had a good relationship in her life.

 

I have been with my wife for 13 years and we have more of a spark now that we did when we first started dating.

 

If you don't feel that way for him then you need to end it. That isn't a normal healthy transition in dating. When the spark goes then so should the relationship.

[MissCanuck]

11 months isn't really "quite some time." You're not in long-term relationship territory here.

 

I say that not to denigrate your relationship, but rather to point out that in the grand scheme of things, you're still in a fairly young relationship and already have been arguing a lot and you're feeling less enthusiastic. That's not a good sign.

 

Your friend might have a point that the spark fades after years together, but not months. You don't want to be there anymore, which is perfectly okay, but you shouldn't force yourself to stay. He's not the right guy for you.

[Camellia]

Thanks so much for your advice but i really do not know how to approach him and mention the word break up. In fact i am afraid to mention it to him because he said he could not live without me. I have mention a few times when we are arguing but we didn't manage to break up in the end. He kept on crying and asking me to give him one last chance which been like the hundreds last chances and my heart just soften everytime. We don't text that much recently because he is in the army and he's been kind of busy inside. I really think that if i were to leave him at this period where he still serving the army it would do a huge impact on him. He was a changed moody person once he entered the army because serving was really tough for him. If i was to add this on to him i would really be worried for him. Yes although i feel that the feelings is no longer there i still care for him as a friend. I wish breaking up was as easy as said but its not.

[MissCanuck]

Breaking up is never easy. But it's actually kinder to end it than to stay out of pity. The end is coming - it's only a matter of when you find the courage to do it.

 

It's also very unfair for him to tell you he can't live without you. You are not responsible for his happiness in life. I understand you care about him but this isn't a healthy relationship. He needs to learn to depend on himself to be happy and fulfilled and not pressure you to stay when you don't want to.

[Batya33]

It's not whether there is someone else but whether there is the dream of someone else (You've Got Mail movie- Meg Ryan says this to her soon to be ex). My husband has a sinus headache and cold, our son was up at 2 with a headache and fever, and Teen Titans is on TV and will be for a long time this morning. Sparks? No, not right this moment- have more sparks for the few sips of coffee I was able to have before getting more tissues, tea, whatever for my patient. But I have this peaceful easy feeling that if I wanted to revive sparks I could, fairly easily, once my husband is done with his root canal later today, and I get some work done, and housework, etc. I could right now if i conjured it up but I've got other priorities at the moment. That's my point - it's fine to have highs and lower times, lulls, etc - but you have to feel solid that you two love each other and that at the lulls or the distracting times you can conjure up the sparks again and feel them again even years later, whenever.

 

Oh and that you desire to do the work to revive them -so if the fading is because of external stuff like illness/stress at work/so that you're like two ships passing in the night, you're willing to make time for each other even just to hang out and banter and click again or click more.

 

Think about that in terms of your own relationship.

[Camellia]

I am totally willing to make out time for him because we only get to see each other once or twice per week because right now he is serving the army. I really enjoy my time with him when we get to see each other because i can tell him anything and he can share with me his. However, right after the weekend ends and he have to go back his camp and i have to go back to school, things started to get back to usual and i feel stressed and ty and i feel that i have no more space for relationship. We always argue because he can't seem to understand me and he said that i don't understand his feelings too. Part of me thinks that him serving the army is what cause us to be like this. Its what cause us to grow apart because of the little time we have for each other. I once used to miss him a lot when he was about to go back to camp. But now its different i don't miss him that much but thats probably because i am used to the life i am having right now. I asked for him to wait for me to finish studying and he finished serving his army which is about 1year plus time and he said that i only have a choice to break or not to break and theres never getting back together. But what i really wanted was time to clear my mind and yet i couldn't have any. He is such a nice guy..he care for me..he listen to me saying stuff etc etc just that his temper is real big and i asked him to change many times but its still bad and he said he needed more time to change. I understand. Part of me feel that i still love him but part of me feel that i may be happier once i ended this relationship. What should i do? I don't want to regret my choice. I am unsure of what i want and i am scared of making a choice which i will regret horribly.

[Batya33]

How is that he is a nice guy if he has a big temper and shows it to you?