Battling Insecurities

[MariaC120]

I hope to reach out to someone who has overcome or guide me to the right way of handling this. Im a 29 year old female. I've been in long term relationships since I was 16. I've had a few long term relationships but my last two have had the most impact on me. I dated a guy once that every time we broke up he would run to a dating site or his ex girlfriend. Any little argument, he would end things. We lasted almost 3 years with this same crap. At one point he proposed to try and prove himself but that never ended. I ended that relationship rollercoaster. Shortly after, I dated another guy which we weren't suppose to end up serious but we did. We met within a month of ending the rollercoaster relationship. I did want to move to fast but somehow it did. We moved in together within 3 months. The first week I moved in, a girl had reach out to me on social media claiming my ex was asking for pictures of her behind. She should be screenshot and I confronted him about it. He admit it was all true. I believe this is really when my insecurities and trust issues developed. I didn't end the relationship. Instead, I gave it another shot. A year went back of fight all the time because I didn't trust him and just wasn't happy with myself. I started noticing when he would glance at other woman. I don't know if I ever dealt with this before but I notice it now. I hated it. Anyways, a year went by and I caught him again talking and deleting messages behind my back with another girl. He never wanted to show me the messages because he claims he didn't want to hurt me. Well this amplified my doubts, insecurities, everything. I was so confused and this time I couldn't get passed this. I ended the relationship. I moved back home and for the next 3 months I focus on myself. I wanted to lose weight and be happy again. I lose 25 lbs and was ok where I was.

 

 

 

This is when my current boyfriend reach out to me on Facebook and asked me out on a date. I agreed and didn't think much of it. We hit it off immediately. We know each other from middle school. He was my first boyfriend in middle school and dated again in high school. We had an immediately connection. We talked for a few weeks before we made it official. He does make me very happy. I falling head over heels. But I've notice that the harder I am falling the more scared I am. I seem to have a fear of getting hurt. There isn't anything bad I can say about this guy. We've been together for 4 months and it has been the best 4 months of my life.

 

 

 

However, I am battling insecurities daily. I scared if I gain weight I might lose him. The other day I caught myself looking at him to see if he checks out other girl. He does glance when a beautiful woman walk by or a girl with a nice body but he every affectionate and doesn't give me a reason to be upset. But why does it bother me so much that he even glance at another attractive girl. These are insecurities I had in my last relationship because he my ex's mistake. I feel that I have what I finally want and I still have fears from my previous relationship. I read articles online and they say it normal for guys to look at other woman but that it our insecurities that make us compare it to us. I can't seem to get past this. Is it normal? How can I get over my insecurities? Any Advice?

[j.man]

Between 16 and 29, what's the longest period of time you were single and not dating or looking?

[reinventmyself]

You get past them by learning to trust yourself and limiting your time with these guys who show you early on that they aren't to be trusted.

Limited your exposure to nonsense is the best way cure insecurities. Being brave, taking care of your heart and saying no builds confidence.

Believing you deserve better than someone who is texting others behind your back is a great place to start.

Staying and adjusting and readjusting to relationships where there is not the foundation of trust wears you down. Making the choice to stay is a choice to hurt yourself even further.

 

You just described a couple relationships that you seem to believe they were not supposed to be serious but as if something you have no control over puts you in one.

You need to own the fact that you do have control over your choices and with poor choices come consequences.

 

Having said that, there is a part of a new relationship that is scary. You are taking the risk to be vulnerable and with that there is the possibility of loss.

But with learning to trust yourself more, you can trust that you won't ignore the glaring red flags you justified before. You know you will be alright if you need

to pull out and leave a bad situation.

 

Personally. . I have learned to trust myself outside of being in a relationship. Learning to be content and having a full life is great place to start. Adding a romantic

relationship to that is just the icing on the cake. Not the cake.

[Snny]

Reading a pattern here... you quickly jump into relationships without fully healing from the previous one. This is called rebounding. You move in with some guy you only dated for 3 months (and refused to let go of him when he cheated)? Accepting someone asking to date you... not in-person but over social media? Wow.

 

But I've notice that the harder I am falling the more scared I am. I seem to have a fear of getting hurt. There isn't anything bad I can say about this guy. We've been together for 4 months and it has been the best 4 months of my life.

Clear sign you are not ready for a serious relationship if you are "scared." You need time to heal AND be happy with yourself; a relationship will not give you that.

[MariaC120]

Reading a pattern here... you quickly jump into relationships without fully healing from the previous one. This is called rebounding. You move in with some guy you only dated for 3 months (and refused to let go of him when he cheated)? Accepting someone asking to date you... not in-person but over social media? Wow.

 

 

Clear sign you are not ready for a serious relationship if you are "scared." You need time to heal AND be happy with yourself; a relationship will not give you that.

 

I never said he asked me to date me through social media. I simply stated that how we went out on our first date....

 

I've been with him for 4 months and I am not living with him. I just stated my mistakes in my previous relationship.

[itsallgrand]

Between 16 and 29, what's the longest period of time you were single and not dating or looking?

 

Wondering this too.

 

I sometimes feel that my not rushing into being in a relationship early in life and good stretches of it being me on my own helped my confidence and being able to know my boundaries more easily with men.

 

Perhaps all you need is time by yourself to firm up who you are and what's important to you in life and relationships? It does gives different perspective to be ok, even happy, just you .